I'm really sorry this happened. It really burns me to hear stories of how SMs like you invested in the skids to have them turn around and act like this. No, you are not super sensitive.  

I never invested much in my skids--their mother had primary custody and they lived 8 hours from us--but  initially my SS and I got along really well. He's 5 years older than SD, who I have never gotten along with. SS at one point told me that he thought SD's behavior and outlook (upset that her Dad remarried and took up her mother's toxic torch) was "really unhealthy." 

You'd think people would mature as they grow fully into adulthood, but SS was definitely more and more manipulated by and sucked into the BM-SD coven (no offense to witches) and he actually grew worse--much worse--through the years to the point that I cannot have him in my house and he's in his 30s now. My life would be great if I never saw him again. He's a weak cowardly jerk. 

A quote I like:  One mistake you should never make in this life is to allow yourself to be recruited by someone to hate another person who hasn't wronged you. Only a fool inherits other people's enemies as a sign of loyalty. 

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies!!  I hate that so many us are in situations that make us question things most people would not question since they aren’t in blended families. Sounds like based on your experiences I should step back and see how this plays out and closely watch any future behavior.  Sounds also like if there are any more invitations to their Dad, he should speak up at the time about both of us coming and see their reaction.  Makes me sad though as I was hoping to have a more inclusive relationship with them, but beginning to think they are too easily influenced by “blood” family manipulating them.   

Thank you for motivating words @ImperfectlyPerfect!  That really hits home and I need to remember what you said.   I will  admit, that sadness will probably linger forever in the back of my mind.

ImperfectlyPerfect - Your life will get sunnier and better I suspect. 

I do not suspect this to be the case.  As an eternal optimist and an overly confident person (per my dad) I know it will get sunnier and better.  The one prediction that has always been true and that will remain true for long after any of us are gone is that the sun will rise tomorrow AM.

I have had periods in my life where I was not happy, where I had lost contact with the person I enjoyed being.  But... as you indicate, one day I woke up and I was once again moving forward being the person I enjoy being and stepping step after step through an evolving life adventure.  

The beauty of time and an evolving new life adventure is that pain and toxic people fade into the past and grow more distantly behind us as we move forward.  Grieving and taking the do-over leads to a far better place.

IMHO and experience anyway.

For me as a SParent, the unicorn blend experience started very early.  DW was a single teen mom who graduated HS with honors with toddler (about 9mos old).  She was never married to the Spermidiot.  Just prior to the baby's 1st B-day her families attorney filed a paternity and CS case with the court.  Usually and by default, single moms have sole physical and legal in SpermLand.  The paternity/CS hearing/order upheld full physical and legal custody for my not then met DW.  She left SpermLand to attend university 3mos after that hearing.  That is where we met when SS was 15mos old.  We married 8mos later. 6days before our kid turned 2yo.  So I have been dad from pretty much the beginning of his life and significantly before he is first memories.

The day before my SS turned 2yo we were in court to defend a custody attempt initiated by the SpermGrandHag.  My bride triumphed, and the starting line for the next 16yrs under a CO was drawn.  That CO upheld full physical and legal custody for my DW and since she had already left the State of SpermLand to attend university out of State a long distance visitation schedule was ordered by the Judge that pretty much put anyone and everyone in their box for the duration until SS aged out from under the CO at 18yo.  Not that the noxious SpermClan did not try to stir up drama. They certainly did.  They just had nearly zero chance of getting what they were wanting when they did ply their attempts at toxic.

The three of us, DW, SS, and me, progressed through life as the 3 Musketeers.  We will have our 32nd anniversary as a family 6 days before our boy turns 34.  He is a viable adult man of character, courage, and standing in his life, profession, and community.  His mom and I are very proud of the man that he is.

He is our only and the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas for the Spermidiot.  #2 by baby mama #2  is on the dole.  #3 by baby mama #3 is serving a long prison sentence for felony armed burglary accrued during his dream of being daddy's gangbanger buddy since the Spermidiot has zero chance of being a Crip or a Blood and is relegated to a lifetime as a gangbanger wannabe.  #4 by baby mama #3 is not far behind the inmate.  

That is where the sad in the back of my brain lays.  I am sad for those kids and I am sad for their big brother because I know that all of that hurts him to no end.  I have no use for the Spermidiot, the SpermGrandHag or SpermGrandPa. They are all wastes of skin and not worth a thought. IMHO of course.

Certainly the journey was not all sunshine and daisies and running through sun-soaked meadows of calm.  But it was far more that than it was constant behavioral drama from the SKid, or never-ending EOW/EOWE visitation drama, or proximity related drama and interference from the opposition.  Long distance visitation allowed us to set up our lives as we chose, and to live our lives free of much of the drama that transpires in SpermLand.

Boundaries did much of the rest as far as protecting the best interests of SS was concerned.

@Rags - sorry to hear you had a tough road too - I’m happy to hear in the long run it turned out positive with you and your SS.
@ImperfectlyPerfect - wow, lots of similarities that you and I have experienced!  I did not have children of my own and was excited to have fun and build a positive supportive relationship with DH’s kids.  I really cared about them and it seemed like we were headed in a good direction initially.  I will remember your words of wisdom and encouragement and realize life is too short to waste on people that “tolerated” me.  I  started creating my own “village” not too long ago and appreciate you waking me up with your supportive words. :-)

Short answer, yes, the sons are probably somewhat being influenced by the wider family including their sister and have probably received some emotional pressure to not have a relationship with you.

Others will clearly disagree with my perspective, but to be blunt, I don't care what people do or say that don't care about me.  So, I would not make an issue of them seeing your husband separately,... or if he still wants to be in their lives. As long as that doesn't greatly interfere with YOUR life with your husband.. I would simply disengage and not expect or make invitations to them and consider myself "off the hook" for buying gifts etc...

I mean, by all means, your husband could insist you be included, but as an adult, I'm too dang old to waste my time around people who have no use for me, or vice versa.. much rather do my own thing at home than be obligated to do things with people that clearly would prefer I was not around. 

nobodymom wrote:

@ESMOD thank you, that makes sense regarding how you think they could be influenced. Since they did not do anything nasty and threatening to me like their sister, they are still welcome in our home (my husband even explained that to them) and I don’t interfere with their relationship with DH.   My DH did make it clear to them it hurts him when they behave like that about me and he sees them when it won’t interfere with us so I am good with that.  I can’t help how much it hurt me, but I have decided I won’t invite them to any more of my family events-now I’m “off the hook” :-).  No reason to continue to treat them as family if they are not interested in doing the same.  I don’t want my husband to insist I be included and told him that would not be genuine from them and explained why it hurts me to be excluded after all I did for them and always showed them how much I care.  I do expect him to call their bad behavior as their parent.
 

@nobodymom best thing you can do is set yourself free of the expectations. If you no longer expect to be included and let that go as hard as it is, you'll be happier. It's likely they will drift and may not include you but at least it's honest. Equally so, you don't owe them squat.  

Note: I used to get real upset when I'd be left off the family chain - "the gender reveal", the baby photos, the this and that...eventually I thought about it and realized why am I chasing this? I stopped chasing and stopped having the expectation that I am included. I am no longer included but now I don't have to think about how they used to take a big deep breath thinking "ugghhhh we HAVE to include her." Who wants that? 

Go find your tribe (as you are doing) and refocus your efforts. You'll still need the support as you transition but it is FREEING once you do. Reach out anytime- I truly believe you're going through the throws of same crappola I dealt with. However one nice piece to this is you already have boundaries with the daughter so...you know this rodeo. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (Yesterday 12:55 pm)

Rags wrote:

We  have family and friends who have adopted multiple children.  For some reason both families have experienced one adopted child who is engaging and pleasant, and one who is toxic and evil as can be.  BIL1 and his DW adopted identical twin girls. One, is long gone and surrendered to the State as being dangerous to the entire family.  One is a very appreciative and participating member of the family.  They recently had their 16th B-day.

One of our closest couple friends have adopted 3 children. The first two were both surrendered to the State and the adoption reversed due to the kids being dangers to the rest of the family as well as representing massive financial risks to the very affluent adoptive parents.   

As heartbreaking as these situations may be, maintaining relationships with some/the decent kids while cutting loose the toxic ones is and should always be an option.  If it can be done with adopted kids, why not toxic BKs and Skids?  

Granted, the cases of the adopted kids are extreme, but... the concept makes sense. Our formerly adopted niece repeatedly threatened to kill various members of BIL1s family.  The two eldest adopted kids of our couple friends were surrendered back to the State for two dangerous issues.  The eldest fell in love with one of the adoptive parents and repeatedly attempted very inappropriate behaviors with that parent. Nope, buhbye and never come back.  The second one was a pyromaniac, set the house on fire a couple of times,  and had a habit of molesting younger kids on the school bus and at school.  He was sent to a State behavioral modification ranch school in a very remote location and ended up attacking a counselor. That was it for our friends. They spent a ton of money on lawyers to dissolve the adoption.  That kid still calls; they have zero contact with him.  Which destroys them emotionally, but the State and their lawyers have been very firm regarding them having zero contact with either of the two whose adoptions were dissolved.  

For some reason, in the case of toxic CODs, it is rare for BPs and SParents to say enough is enough and cut them loose entirely.  Of course not the young ones. But if are into their mid teens or higher, buh-bye.  Follow the rules or be gone with you.  Forced emancipation for those within a couple of years of 18, and zero tolerance for any 18 or older.  Be nice or be gone. Behave or be gone.  Be lippy, be gone.  Be reasonable, you have a place in the home and family.  KISS.  They learn, or they suffer being on the outside watching the pleasantness on the inside.

I have one very close friend who did a legal forced emancipation of one of his DDs who was on the ragged edge of going to prison for fraud and refused to follow the rules of the home.  They have reconciled their relationship and she even thanks him for not putting up with her choices.  She is one who ended up emancipating at nearly 17, chose to graduate HS early to take advantage of a full ride tuition, fees, room, and board scholarship to State university so she would have a place to live and food, graduated with her BS with honors at 20yo, and went to work in a very high paying mathematics field (Actuarial Science).  Sadly, she is currently in a divorce from her 3rd DH but is doing extremely well professionally.

For some reason, so many tolerate intolerable older kids who would not be tolerated at all if they had some other role or relationship in the lives of the family. 

This was our situation with SS early on. When he was an adolescent and had that rebellious streak, he sensibly rebelled against his mother and sister's toxic behavior (toward us). He openly went against the toxic grain, continued to visit us, went on trips with DH, went to the effort of getting to know DH's family and develop relationships with all of them (yes, their mother had even pulled them back from those people). While he would have his moments of obviously feeling torn and wanting to please mommy and sis--like relapses--looking back, I see he stood his ground pretty well. 

Oddly enough, it was when he went head on into adulthood that he allowed himself to be manipulated by fear, I believe, instilled by his mother (long story I've alluded to at times in here...really sickening), he slowly melded back into the toxic fold. 

As I've said in here before, he is now someone who is unbearable to be around. So, for years, we had a fairly good relationship with SS--not so much with SD. But when SS began chronically exhibiting the same behaviors, he was cut off. 

*DH talks to his kids. He hasn't visited/seen SD in a year and hasn't seen SS since late 2023. I have zero to do with either of them. They are not welcome in our home.