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1 of 1- CastleJJ
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It's Been A While
I haven't posted since Christmasish. While things haven't been necessarily quiet in StepLand and BM is still over communicating to stay relevant, things have felt pretty damn irrelevant.
If you recall, one week before I delivered newest DD (now 3.5 months old), BM emailed DH, demanding mediation to discuss a child support increase and discuss decreasing DH's parenting time. DH simply told her "No" to mediation for anything and told her if she wants a CS review, feel free to file one, but that he wouldn't meet with her under any circumstances. Well, it's been 3.5 months and nothing. No CS review initiated, no court motion to modify parenting time, nothing. I'm sure the CS review is coming, but we believe BM is waiting for their baby to arrive in April before attempting to modify so she can gain credit for the extra dependent.
SS was here for Christmas and all went well. I didn't see SS much as I was sleeping a lot during the day, adjusting to the newborn sleep schedule. SS told us that GF told SS to ask us for an Xbox for Christmas, only so she could play it because she's been wanting one. Nope, GF is an almost 40-year-old woman who can buy her own Xbox. Needless to say, we did not buy SS an Xbox. When BM and GF picked SS up from Christmas break, GF wore a sweatshirt with a pregnancy holiday logo. It screamed desperation and "look at me." BM and GF went on and on during pick up about how excited they are for their baby (as if to rub it in) despite the fact we had only welcomed DD a month before and we already have DD4. SS made a comment to me that BM and GF are relishing in the secrecy of us not knowing much about GF's pregnancy (which we wouldn't want to know), so me being the petty person that I am in this dynamic, took SS to buy them a baby gift (just a few clothes, a little toy, and a blanket). During our shopping trip, SS filled me in on all the baby details - they tried to conceive for almost 2 years and it failed multiple times, the baby will only have GF's last name, not BM's and not hyphenated, GF feels this is HER baby only and SS is strictly BM's child (despite GF trying to insert herself as SS' Mom/other parent for years), the baby is being named after BM's favorite high school TV show character (which I find a bit immature), BM and GF fought about the name and BM bullied her way into winning that fight (typical BM), and BM and GF really wanted a girl, but are having a boy, and they are jealous and mad at DH and I for having only girls (sorry, nothing we can do about that, nor do we care). This whole thing has been really eye opening into just how dysfunctional, attention-seeking, and kind of pathetic/immature they truly are. This whole dynamic and the way they are separating everything out (only BM's kid versus only GF's kid) makes their family feel like roommates with a marriage license.
DH continues his once weekly phone calls with SS13. SS is talkative during them, but that's all DH hears from him, despite DH reaching out. DH appears to have made his peace with this.
SS reached out to DH last week, asking DH if he could accompany him to wrestling states in March for a weekend. States will be 4 hours north of BMLand but still a 4 hour drive for DH. SS didn't wrestle this season due to a wrist injury but BM bullied the coach into making him team manager/waterboy. Due to this, BM thinks it is critical he attends everything for wrestling including states (even if only 3 people are wrestling). SS asked DH if they could make it a boy's weekend. DH agreed despite finding all of this stupid, if for nothing other than to see SS for extra time. So DH spent close to $500 for a hotel for the weekend and will be going to BM's state in March to accompany SS to states. After DH replied to SS agreeing, BM sent DH this lengthy 4 paragraph email about why she isn't attending (her wife's upcoming due date) and that she would have obviously attended if things were different (again trying to protect her MOTY image). She also went on to say that SS was selected to attend states because his coach fully believes he would have qualified for states had he wrestled this season. YEAH OKAY BM. SS is the same kid who is the smallest kid on the team, lost every match last year, and cried about how much he hated wrestling because he would always get pinned within a second. But yes, believe he would be a state qualifier if it boosts your ego. SS now wants to wrestle in the spring, despite supposedly hating wrestling for the last 2 years, so DH is throwing in the towel on trying to figure out whatever it is that SS seems to want or not want.
DH did try to coordinate summer visitation since we received the football schedule from the football coach. BM emailed back that SS isn't doing football this year (despite him doing it since he was 5 and it being his supposed "passion"). DH was ticked because football has been the sole argument BM has made in court and against DH over the years, trying to prevent DH from gaining any additional visitation with SS, restricting summer visitation, denying vacations that interfered with football, trying to control our household by making SS train and eat in accordance with football expectations, etc. Now, POOF, football is just thrown away like it's nothing. Probably because it is nothing except a tool for BM to use to further PAS.
SS was here for a long weekend in February and I honestly didn't see him much. I was busy with DDs and had other things that needed to be done. My presence didn't seem to make a difference to SS one way or another. BM's parents came to pick SS up and they saw DDs for a brief minute. They made comments to DH about how hard we have worked and how great our lives have turned despite what has been thrown at us (in reference to their daughter's actions) and how blessed we are. Yes, we truly are blessed.
I don't know what the future holds in terms of SS wanting to continue visiting or not, what his relationship with us will be or not be, BM's shenanigans, etc. but it all feels so irrelevant and small compared to how all consuming and big it felt over the years. I am starting to accept more and more that it's not my problem how all of this turns out and I have finally reached the point of not giving a sh** about BM and GF. It is so refreshing and I hope this new and improved attitude/mentality continues.
Last edited by CastleJJ (3/03/2026 4:05 pm)
- MorningMia
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Re: It's Been A While
This is a good update. You are in a great frame of mind. I laughed thinking of what our BM here would have done if I had become pregnant. Their attention-seeking is off-the-charts weird! There's got to be a toxic BM factory somewhere that spits these types out.
Interesting that SS was revealing so much to you. Is he seeing the dysfunction as dysfunction or is he "playing teams?"
I laughed again when I read about BM's parents and what they said to you.
Enjoy your precious blessings! Congratulations again.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- CastleJJ
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Re: It's Been A While
@MorningMia I fully believe SS13 is playing teams. I have disengaged a lot from SS after last summer where I caught him texting BM and GF, mocking and making fun of me and DD4 and accusing me of stupid stuff. After everything I had done for him over the last 12 years, to see all 3 of them mock our home, my appearance, DD4, etc. via text, I saw red. I walked away and stopped doing anything for SS. He noticed how much my disengagement impacted the quality of his visits and he realized that I must have known something, but he didn't know what I knew. He has spent the last few visits trying to rebuild that connection, but I am guarded and will not return to that place of full trust. I am friendly, but I won't let my guard down again anytime soon.
I see that SS plays both sides. Based on how SS is now, I don't think it is coming from a place of survival, but rather a place of manipulation. He is trying to see what he can get and from who and because BM hates DH so much, she has made it a competition of the households and SS sees that. The difference is, and what SS fails to realize, is that DH won't compete. Like the Xbox at Christmas. BM thought that DH would buy it to keep SS happy and she would benefit from it via being able to use it. We didn't. We aren't in the mindset of one-upping, even if it means that SS is disappointed. And we can never tell who the real SS is - one minute he hates wrestling, the next he is signing up for additional wrestling because he likes it. This kid is a chameleon, changing to fit whoever he is around, just like BM.
Last edited by CastleJJ (3/04/2026 9:34 am)
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Thread Starter- Thinkthrice
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Re: It's Been A While
SS is definitely sticking his finger in the wind to see which way the wind is blowing. I predict a breakup with BM and GF as they become possessive over the stb baby.
- notarelative
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Re: It's Been A While
BM is waiting for their baby to arrive in April before attempting to modify so she can gain credit for the extra dependent.
If BM were the one paying support, I could see why she might think another dependent would lower her payment. But, thinking the father of her oldest child should pay you more because you are the new parent of another person’s child is wild.
Football. My guess is that GF has decided she is not doing the transportation to football ended that sport participation. BM might want him to play, but doing the work to make it happen is not in her wheelhouse.
- Rags
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Re: It's Been A While
Wow! How skeevy and petty those two harpies are. As for "their family". IMHO the reality is that they do not have a family. That is sad to me since SS is cursed with that nausiatingly disfunctional crap as his primary family and parenting model and will remained cursed with that crap as his near full time childhood memories for his entire life. It is also sad to me that GF's kid, BM's non kid, will be even more cursed than your SS has been with those two wastes of skin as parents.
But BM's parent's comments. What a triumph for you and DH. It has to be hard on DH's XILs to suffer the effluent that BM is as their child. That they recognize reality is a good thing as no doubt it would have been far harder on DH and on SS if they had worshipped their POS spawn.
Take comfort in how truly superior you and DH are to BM and the 
show she is and has created as her life.
As for SS making State in wrestling after losing every match last year... smh. Regarding football, it appears crystal clear to me that this is BM and GF pulling the plug on SS's passions in order to focus on their new baby. Wanna bet that SS will be relegated to the proverbial broom closet now that their * nugget is approaching delivery and .... beyond?
I hope that SS is mature enough and enough older that he can work through this whole drama train with some level of confidence and be able to make it to a viable adulthood where he can thrive with some independence from that mess. His observations on BM and GF's pettiness on the big secret of their pregnancy and how for some reason that you or DH give a flying rat's butt about it is so telling about how noxious they are and provides some hope that maybe SS is salvageable.
Take care of you. 
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
- CastleJJ
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Re: It's Been A While
notarelative wrote:
BM is waiting for their baby to arrive in April before attempting to modify so she can gain credit for the extra dependent.
If BM were the one paying support, I could see why she might think another dependent would lower her payment. But, thinking the father of her oldest child should pay you more because you are the new parent of another person’s child is wild.
I don't think BM thinks DH should pay for her baby. I think in our state, if parents have additional children from other relationships, they are given an "other dependent credit" that sets a portion of their income aside to support other children. So technically, if I'm right about the credit, for the purposes of calculation of the CS formula, BM's calculated CS obligation to SS13 would go down to support their new baby, which could result in DH's payments going up. But DH and I also have DD4 and DD3 months so technically, DH has 3 children to BM's 2 children, which would probably offset it. I believe DH was given a $100 credit during the last CS review due to DD4. Guess we will have to wait and see.
Last edited by CastleJJ (3/04/2026 6:47 pm)
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Thread Starter- Rags
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Re: It's Been A While
BM is waiting for their baby to arrive in April before attempting to modify so she can gain credit for the extra dependent.
If BM were the one paying support, I could see why she might think another dependent would lower her payment. But, thinking the father of her oldest child should pay you more because you are the new parent of another person’s child is wild.
I don't think BM thinks DH should pay for her baby. I think in our state, if parents have additional children from other relationships, they are given an "other dependent credit" that sets a portion of their income aside to support other children. So technically, if I'm right about the credit, for the purposes of calculation of the CS formula, BM's calculated CS obligation to SS13 would go down to support their new baby, which could result in DH's payments going up. But DH and I also have DD4 and DD3 months so technically, DH has 3 children to BM's 2 children, which would probably offset it. I believe DH was given a $100 credit during the last CS review due to DD4. Guess we will have to wait and see.
Most States use a version of the Income Shares model for CS calculation. Interestingly in our case, even as the CP's income went up by a factor of 5X above that of the NCP, the NCP's CS obligation increased. The amount of money available for support of the child increased and based on parenting % a far higher earning CP can receive ever increasing CS from a much lower earning NCP. Even when the CP has no additional children and the NCP breeds like a cockroach as was the case for my Skid's Spermatoid.
BM and GF need to get on the State CS calculator and play with the variables. Odds are that they will find that breeding will gain them nearly zero increase in CS. Once a status quo is reached, most family court Judges do not like to make major changes. You can play on the State online CS calculator as well. You may find that BM and GF breeding will have very little impact on DH's CS obligation. If I recall correctly, both BM and GF are earners so their joint income will be fully available for support of their joint spawn. For CS calculation for SS, both BM's and your DH's income is considered. With your two joint children offsetting BM and GF's singlet joint child, I would estimate pretty much a CS wash with not much change. Even if the GF quits work to be a SAHM, SParent income is generally not applicable for CS calculation so the status quo is likely to remain relatively unchanged.
Interestingly in our case, every time the Spermatoid BP would breed, and they would file for CS to be reduced, it would go up. They finally learned to duck and cover on their usual attempts to get out of CS. The still whined and cried about it all, but they knew better than to take legal action to try to get CS reduced. Which was pretty much a non-issue since CS was pretty much a pittance for the first 12yrs of SS's life.
Last edited by Rags (3/04/2026 7:10 pm)
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
- CastleJJ
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Re: It's Been A While
@Rags - DH and I have played on the CS calculator since BM informed DH she would be filing a CS request. We used DH's current income and BM's reported income from the CS review in 2022. Even then, with all the additional dependents factored for both sides, it estimated that DH would have an increase of $150 at most. But again, that is taking into account BM's 2022 income, not her 2025/2026 income, which I'm sure is higher with annual performance raises.
DH never once requested a CS review when either of our children were born. Hell, he has never requested a CS review ever. He has always held himself to the standard that he is financially and morally responsible to provide his share for SS. We found other ways to make/save extra money - using FB marketplace to sell extra stuff, couponing, eating out less, etc. to support our children without looking to reduce CS. BM on the other hand, has requested increases following both births of our children. It didn't work out well for her in 2022, as CS actually went down a bit due to BM's significant increase in income. I was initially surprised she would risk requesting another modification, but I guess she is sniffing around for what she feels is hers. Her argument is that, per the courts, she is entitled to a CS review every 3 years without cause, so she might as well pursue it as her legal right. Well, she can exercise that right all she wants but in the last 13 years, it has never been as lucrative as she hopes and she has appealed twice, only to lose. Luckily, based on SS' age, this should be the last CS review before he ages out. I'm counting down the days until this financial hostage situation ends. T-minus 1,548 days.
Last edited by CastleJJ (3/04/2026 8:22 pm)
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Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: It's Been A While
@MorningMia I fully believe SS13 is playing teams. I have disengaged a lot from SS after last summer where I caught him texting BM and GF, mocking and making fun of me and DD4 and accusing me of stupid stuff. After everything I had done for him over the last 12 years, to see all 3 of them mock our home, my appearance, DD4, etc. via text, I saw red. I walked away and stopped doing anything for SS. He noticed how much my disengagement impacted the quality of his visits and he realized that I must have known something, but he didn't know what I knew. He has spent the last few visits trying to rebuild that connection, but I am guarded and will not return to that place of full trust. I am friendly, but I won't let my guard down again anytime soon.
I see that SS plays both sides. Based on how SS is now, I don't think it is coming from a place of survival, but rather a place of manipulation. He is trying to see what he can get and from who and because BM hates DH so much, she has made it a competition of the households and SS sees that. The difference is, and what SS fails to realize, is that DH won't compete. Like the Xbox at Christmas. BM thought that DH would buy it to keep SS happy and she would benefit from it via being able to use it. We didn't. We aren't in the mindset of one-upping, even if it means that SS is disappointed. And we can never tell who the real SS is - one minute he hates wrestling, the next he is signing up for additional wrestling because he likes it. This kid is a chameleon, changing to fit whoever he is around, just like BM.
That is disgusting. Hard to find the right word(s).
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: It's Been A While
"seeing red"
I had this same occurrence with both SKIDs at very different times where they did horrible things that finally got me to the point of no return. One SKID after an absolutely ridiculous and disrespectful exchange at a resturant where even the waitress told me to walk out and leave the bill to sh**head and his bride. That was case #1 where I got so angry I sat in the car and I felt I had reached my breaking point. I realized no matter what I did they were going to be victims in life and never view the good in me. It was also the moment I realized just how disrespectful it had gotten- I had childless young adults correcting my parenting, social media, behavior, providing me a list of things I need to change to have them in my life. I realized then and there- DO I WANT THESE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE? The answer was a NO. They do not bring anything to my life except stress, problems, lies and worries. Truly. There isn't enough good to outweigh the bad and they are not small dependents they are married adults in their twenties. Cut the chord my heart and gut was telling me all along. So I did. It wasn't an immediate relief- I had to work through the pain and grief of 10+ years of sacrificing and not being true to myself. I also had to look at the dynamics around me and realize they had been unfair from the start and there was NO WAY this was getting better.
The second seeing red episode happened this holiday when I was told I didn't matter and not cared for on xmas day. That was hard but I realized I am set free. SKID #2 is also "not that great" just not as bad. This was a wonderful release and freedom.
Seeing red might just be the way to see the light and get yourself into warmer waters. I think it's your mind and body's last fight to tell you GET OUT OF THESE UNHEALTHY DYNAMICS.
Life is really nice now. I don't handle anything and I don't reach out.
- Rags
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Re: It's Been A While
@Rags - DH and I have played on the CS calculator since BM informed DH she would be filing a CS request. We used DH's current income and BM's reported income from the CS review in 2022. Even then, with all the additional dependents factored for both sides, it estimated that DH would have an increase of $150 at most. But again, that is taking into account BM's 2022 income, not her 2025/2026 income, which I'm sure is higher with annual performance raises.
...
Well, she can exercise that right all she wants but in the last 13 years, it has never been as lucrative as she hopes and she has appealed twice, only to lose. Luckily, based on SS' age, this should be the last CS review before he ages out. I'm counting down the days until this financial hostage situation ends. T-minus 1,548 days.
DW only asked for a single CS review in 16yrs though we did keep it as a stick to mention when they stepped out of line. Her model was to accept anything and everything they dished out so as to not motivate them take their frustrations out on SS. Which they did anyway. I finally had enough and made it clear to her that they were taking their toxicity out on SS anyway and to protect him she/we needed to go zero tolerance and to bring the pain when they stepped out of the bounds of reasonableness.
9yrs after their attempt to take custody of SS away from DW, which raised their CS from $110/mo to $133/mo I lost my job in the semiconductor market bubble implosion which I considered to be a prime point for DW to initiate a CS review. Since I went from a significant income to zero income at that point which took their usual attempt to get my income included in CS calculations off of the table. The Spermidiot expanded his problems by refusing refusing service of suppons to the CS review hearing including physically running from the Constable who was serving him after repeated refusal of registered mail summons notifications. That footage was fun. 
The DA's office which initiates and administrates CS reviews in SpermLand reached out to DW for income, employement, residential address, and asset information on the Spermidiot. She went CPA on that request and provided everything requested including wage distributions for licensed plumbers in the Spermidiot's SpermLand county. CS was increased from $133/mo to $784/mo and direct payroll withholding was invoked. The SpermClan nearly lost their minds over that. He got his first $zero paycheck and went screaming to schedule an appeal regarding the $785/mo CS/direct payroll withholding invocation.
He was not eligible for a CS review since the period between reviews in SpermLand is 2yrs but due to SpermGrandHag's court connections an Admin Law Judge hearing was scheduled. After a long day of drama with that telephone hearing, CS was lowered to $385/mo though the $785/mo was ordered to continue for a full 2yrs to cover the arrears associated with his dodging summons, running from the Constable, etc...
Oddly, he came screaming back to court 2mos after the Admin Law Judge ruling trying to get CS lowered again based on him obtaining Health Insurance coverage as he had been ordered to provide 9+ years prior and never did. That including a motion to stop direct payroll withholding so SpermGrandHag could go back to paying his CS for him. Nope, CS was upheld, he was ordered to continue to provide Health Insurance for SS, continue to pay the premium element of his CS obligation for my provision of Health Insurance for SS, and payroll withholding was ordered to continue. He got his hand slapped for yet again violating the 2yr CS review gap and the 2yrs was reset based on his manipulation. That was it. Though we did mention that we could go after a CS review when they got upity periodically over the next 6yrs.
The manipulation of these types in the toxic opposition is truly mindboggling.
Congrats on the last CS review. As strongly as it seems that it is not the case, the 1500+ days will fly. One day you will wake up and you will get a notable raise when CS ends, and BM/GF drama will end. They won't like it, they will keep trying to be manipulative and to claim some relevance in your lives, but they truly will not matter.
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR