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1 of 1- Tryingjusttrying
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Gift giving by other family members?
This topic came up a lot during the holidays. I feel like my dh and I have a system I can live with. At one point, we decided that rather than give our kids separate gifts, we would gift them jointly. That was such a relief for me. It didn't feel very consonant to look for and give a gift to someone who spent most of the year showing me contempt and disrespect. And in any case, I never once saw SS use or wear anything I got him. I think he actually sold a lot of the stuff I got him, even the things he asked for! My dh was happy to go along with gifting the kids jointly because also, that means that I cover the cost for everyone on "my" side including all of my nephews, whom we both love and want to gift during holidays and birthdays. DH has a very small circle. I gladly take that on so long as dh covers SS for the both of us.
The problem is that my sister felt really uncomfortable during Xmas (she came over for Xmas dinner because of plans that fell through with her kids). She brought over small gifts for both SS and my BS, but we also let it slip that she and I had sent cash gifts to the kids in our family. We did not include SS in giving cash and usually do not. But my sister felt bad and she asked me if she should be giving SS cash for Xmas and birthdays too. Boy, would he LOVE that.
But frankly, because of how awful SS has been to me, I don't like the idea of him benefiting from the generosity of my side of the family at all. I told my sister not to worry about giving SS a cash gift for either Xmas or birthdays. I told her that dh and I have an arrangement that might get mucked up if she does. But the truth is I'm probably just being vindictive. It just doesn't sit well with me for her to be including him in our circle when he has tried so hard to push me out of "his and dad's" circle. But except for a few bad interactions, she doesn't necessarily have any problems with SS. She recognizes that he has some bad character traits but she doesn't have any personal animosity towards him. She talked with him at Xmas dinner, asked about his life, etc. She talked with him about 10 times the amount I did. She acknowledged that it must be weird for me, but I'm okay with them interacting. But am I wrong to deter my sister from being more generous with gifts for SS?
To elaborate a little bit more about their interactions, the first time my sister met SS, we had decided to walk a trail. She found a rock that looked like a heart and gave it to him. He looked at it for a second and threw it into the woods saying 'that doesn't look like a heart at all.' She was a little surprised. With time, we both came to realize that this was someone who was not interested in warming up to us, perhaps sadly as a result of a difficult mother. But whereas she could see this from a distance, I've endured a lot of torment from him close up.
I want to start planning well ahead of SS's birthday which will be coming up in a few months. I should mention that DH isn't bothered by any of this at all. He's not close to his sister and half sister, and it would be very strange to him to even think that they would want to give my BS gifts. SS does have a grandma who sends him gifts. SS has one aunt on his mother's side, but she doesn't get him gifts at all, so far as I know. He calls her a 'slut' behind her back and hates her guts so much that he won't even be in the same room with her, so that's probably not a shock to anyone that she doesn't shower him with gifts. I feel like it shouldn't be me and family who has to fill in the void.
- Rags
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Re: Gift giving by other family members?
I communicate reality and then let people do what they will do. Some people are far more tolerant of character issues and rude people than others. I trust until I am given reason not to trust. Though I also am capable of recognizing when someone turns a corner from a state of usual toxicity and starts to demonstrate otherwise. The one major current example is my wife's eldest nephew (SIL's eldest) who I could not stand when he was young. He was a coward and a bully. Neither are things that I have much use for. As he has grown up he turned a notable corner in HS and is now a very notable young man who is performing extremely well in college and appears to have figured out how to evolve past his prior challenges.
Luckily for me, my SS is a good person. He worships my family; they love him as their own.
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
- MorningMia
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Re: Gift giving by other family members?
My mother gave my skids money once--once. After being snubbed (and, of course, hearing about my trials with them), it stopped right then. Your SS cast away the stone your sister handed to him--a kind gesture--and threw it away like it was trash. If this was out of character for him, I'd shrug it off. But it sounds like it was just IN character for him. That says it all.
I don't think you're wrong at all to suggest to your sister that she not think of the . . . well, your SS. Maybe she can take the money she planned on giving him and donate it (or an actual gift) to a child in need who will appreciate it. OH! There you go: Tell SS that she donated a gift to a child in his name. LOL!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- ESMOD
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Re: Gift giving by other family members?
IMHO, we can't and shouldn't dictate to others what they should or should not gift. If someone's mom wants to only give gifts to her bio grandkids.. that's her choice.. (as an example).
This is different in that your sister is being sensitive to the step situation and is trying to avoid any perceived inequities.
I would assure her that no one expects her to gift all the kids the same. That while you wouldn't necessarily broadcast that she is not gifting money to the SS.. that you don't feel she should be overly obligated to do more than a token gift for a child with whom she likely does not have a great or close relationship with.
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Gift giving by other family members?
Thanks Rags and MorningMia. Mia, you get how I might be feeling about family members devoting resources to please someone who shows me utter contempt. Rags, I think you make a good point and is, at times, my aspiration and at other times is a way of beating myself up - take the higher road, be forgiving, etc. The story of your nephew is about the capacity for change. My sister actually thought that SS seemed more mature at Xmas than before. I would argue that he's slicker and makes an effort to be more successful, but SS will cheat and take short cuts if he can. In any case, I recognize that I may still be resentful even if SS turns out to be a saint. He still has never shown remorse for his horrible actions towards me, and still actively shows me contempt. My sister recognizes that she has a very different perspective and doesn't want to invalidate me while still wanting to be a good and kind person.
That's a funny suggestion, Mia. But I think this is more about her desire to brighten the day of a young person in our lives. SS very much wishes he had a bigger family especially around the holidays. I'm sure that the need is not purely materialistic, but that's his explicit focus. He definitely just want more gifts at Xmas and his birthday. So she will either give that to him or not, and giving a gift to someone else in his name is the same thing as the latter.
I just want to point out again that even SS's biological aunt, his mom's half sister, does not gift him. He truly hates her guts and lets her know it, so I don't blame her. I guess I feel ultimately that this is about not rewarding his contempt of me. But Rags, I'll reflect on what you said about giving my sister leeway. I was going to say, maybe she doesn't have to consider my preferences. But isn't her involvement with SS solely due to a connection with me?
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Thread Starter- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Gift giving by other family members?
Esmod - "This is different in that your sister is being sensitive to the step situation and is trying to avoid any perceived inequities.
I would assure her that no one expects her to gift all the kids the same. That while you wouldn't necessarily broadcast that she is not gifting money to the SS.. that you don't feel she should be overly obligated to do more than a token gift for a child with whom she likely does not have a great or close relationship with. "
I think this is the right assessment, and this is advice I feel accords with my feelings about it. You are correct - my sister hardly sees him except for perhaps just once or twice a year. Both her kids of around a similar age have expressed a dislike for SS. So she would definitely not be giving a gift based on a connection with him, but more based on what seems the right thing to do as a somewhat tangential figure in my blended family structure.
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