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1 of 1- Rags
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"Emotional janitor in the failed family trauma house"
I was reviewing notes, etc... yesterday as I was cleaning up work stuff, dealing with getting set up with new medical insurance stuff, and prepping for my weekly 1:1 call with my boss to align on strategic direction work stuff.
This quote was in my phone notes from who knows how long ago.
When I first saw it, it stood out to me as a summation sentence for what many of us as Sparent Spouses to failed family refugees can become.
How do we avoid becoming the "emotional janitor of failed family trauma" while advancing our marriage, supporting our mate, supporting or mitigating the threats of the SKid journey, while living our best lives?
Last edited by Rags (Yesterday 2:27 pm)
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
- MorningMia
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Re: "Emotional janitor in the failed family trauma house"
I say much of this in 20/20 hindsight:
1) See the picture/situation for what it is. Don't wear SM rose-colored glasses or borrow your spouse's rose-colored glasses. Just because you fall in love with your future spouse doesn't mean you will fall in love (or should fall in love) with their children. Proceed with caution. Note red flags.
2) Set clear boundaries--you are not the fixer
3) At the first inkling of weird behavior, bring it up. Deal with it. Don't shrug it off or put it to the side. It will linger and fester and grow into a monster if ignored
4) Speak up. Speak directly. Out of politeness and wanting to keep the peace, I avoided confronting the skids about their s*** behavior toward me in my own home as my feelings continued to be hurt. Being "the bigger person" is not always the way.
5) Counseling--earlier rather than later
6) Keep being yourself. Stay engaged with your friends and your passions and your family. Keep engaging in good experiences with your spouse--just the two of you.
7) Erase them from your life when you see no hope, when all they bring you is stress and upset. Boot them out. If my husband loves his kids, that's on him. Good luck. I don't hold him back from relationships with them; I just will not be around them.
Where I am now is a good place. I look back and will honestly say I was too nice. I gave too many chances (even to my husband). I wish I had been more direct in the early days. They took my kindness for weakness and preyed heavily on that.
They (particularly BM and SD--I saw this in writing) took my boundaries and reframed them as jealousy and mental illness. *snort* *lol* Lots of projection right there. *shrug*
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Rags
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Re: "Emotional janitor in the failed family trauma house"
MorningMia wrote:
I say much of this in 20/20 hindsight:
1) See the picture/situation for what it is. Don't wear SM rose-colored glasses or borrow your spouse's rose-colored glasses. Just because you fall in love with your future spouse doesn't mean you will fall in love (or should fall in love) with their children. Proceed with caution. Note red flags.
2) Set clear boundaries--you are not the fixer
3) At the first inkling of weird behavior, bring it up. Deal with it. Don't shrug it off or put it to the side. It will linger and fester and grow into a monster if ignored
4) Speak up. Speak directly. Out of politeness and wanting to keep the peace, I avoided confronting the skids about their s*** behavior toward me in my own home as my feelings continued to be hurt. Being "the bigger person" is not always the way.
5) Counseling--earlier rather than later
6) Keep being yourself. Stay engaged with your friends and your passions and your family. Keep engaging in good experiences with your spouse--just the two of you.
7) Erase them from your life when you see no hope, when all they bring you is stress and upset. Boot them out. If my husband loves his kids, that's on him. Good luck. I don't hold him back from relationships with them; I just will not be around them.
Where I am now is a good place. I look back and will honestly say I was too nice. I gave too many chances (even to my husband). I wish I had been more direct in the early days. They took my kindness for weakness and preyed heavily on that.
They (particularly BM and SD--I saw this in writing) took my boundaries and reframed them as jealousy and mental illness. *snort* *lol* Lots of projection right there. *shrug*
MorningMia - 
Great lessons in the journey. Thank you for sharing. It is a 20/20 hindsight process. We don't know what we don't know until we experience it.
Your list is very similar to what we evolved to over time. With the blended family opposition and with my ILs. We were fortunate to not have an overbearing level of SKid drama. Beyond the fairly usual teen boy brain farts and some growing up challenges, my SKid was not the issue.
The shallow and polluted end of his gene pool was our related burden to deal with.
IMHO the key element is boundaries and establishing them as near to day one as possible. Earlier is better.
Last edited by Rags (Yesterday 2:54 pm)
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
- •
Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: "Emotional janitor in the failed family trauma house"
I say much of this in 20/20 hindsight:
1) See the picture/situation for what it is. Don't wear SM rose-colored glasses or borrow your spouse's rose-colored glasses. Just because you fall in love with your future spouse doesn't mean you will fall in love (or should fall in love) with their children. Proceed with caution. Note red flags.
2) Set clear boundaries--you are not the fixer
3) At the first inkling of weird behavior, bring it up. Deal with it. Don't shrug it off or put it to the side. It will linger and fester and grow into a monster if ignored
4) Speak up. Speak directly. Out of politeness and wanting to keep the peace, I avoided confronting the skids about their s*** behavior toward me in my own home as my feelings continued to be hurt. Being "the bigger person" is not always the way.
5) Counseling--earlier rather than later
6) Keep being yourself. Stay engaged with your friends and your passions and your family. Keep engaging in good experiences with your spouse--just the two of you.
7) Erase them from your life when you see no hope, when all they bring you is stress and upset. Boot them out. If my husband loves his kids, that's on him. Good luck. I don't hold him back from relationships with them; I just will not be around them.
Where I am now is a good place. I look back and will honestly say I was too nice. I gave too many chances (even to my husband). I wish I had been more direct in the early days. They took my kindness for weakness and preyed heavily on that.
They (particularly BM and SD--I saw this in writing) took my boundaries and reframed them as jealousy and mental illness. *snort* *lol* Lots of projection right there. *shrug*MorningMia -
Great lessons in the journey. Thank you for sharing. It is a 20/20 hindsight process. We don't know what we don't know until we experience it.
Your list is very similar to what we evolved to over time. With the blended family opposition and with my ILs. We were fortunate to not have an overbearing level of SKid drama. Beyond the fairly usual teen boy brain farts and some growing up challenges, my SKid was not the issue.
The shallow and polluted end of his gene pool was our related burden to deal with.
IMHO the key element is boundaries and establishing them as near to day one as possible. Earlier is better.
And, regarding the boundaries, be prepared for the fallout. Tantrums. Accusations. Hate.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Rags
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Re: "Emotional janitor in the failed family trauma house"
atMorningMia - "And, regarding the boundaries, be prepared for the fallout. Tantrums. Accusations. Hate."
Oh yes, boundaries make us "meeeaaaaaannnnnn" 
"They are just kids!" 
"But the kids do not need to know thaaaaaatttttt!"
"But that is my kids mother/father!"
"But our/your rules are not the same as their rules. How can the kid not be confused?"
Boundaries don' care about feelings. Facts don't care about feelings. Sadly, feelings don't care about facts and choosing feelings over brain activity results in the slinging of labels, hate, tolerance for what should not be tolerated, and facilitates a path of fee fee based failure though life that the Xs and the SKids will likely never escape.
In our community, we have any number of examples of beyond middle aged Xs and Sr. citizen SKids who are proof of this.
My own XW, XILs, and a number of my current ILs are examples of this. They feel their way through life rather than thinking their way through life. They get what they choose. That is not an us problem, that is a them problem. Though it is certainly upsetting.
IMHO, "Our" problem is insulating ourselves, our marriages, and our partners from the fallout. Except with decisions associated with fight or flight, life and death decisions, feelings are not rational. They are terrible at solving problems.
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
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