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1 of 1- donewiththat
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Here we go again
Hi everyone, I used to post on the old site and this is my first post here. As for background, my husband and I have been married 30 years. He had a 4 year old daughter when we married. We raised our two sons together and they are both in college and doing very well.
When SD - now 34 - was growing up and got to be a teenager, she became violent and into lots of trouble. She threated to kill us, called the police on my husband for hitting her (which he did not). When she was at our house, I would lock me and the boys (very young) in our bedroom at night for safety.
Once she was officially an adult, we didn't hear from her much, but I was very much traumatized by it all. The in-laws didn't help because it was all about SD; they didn't seem to care about our sons. SD now has 3 children. The first one was adopted by her mother. The second one lives with the father. The 3rd was just born a couple months ago and she doesn't know who the father is, or won't tell.
SD34 has been diagnosed bipolar and is on disability. She has never worked and likely won't.
I disengaged long ago - maybe 15 years ago. But still when I hear about her and what she's doing, I get very upset and depressed for a while. I think I feel like I should've or could've done more to help. But at this point, I don't want anything to do with that situation. I spent years protecting my sons from the constant chaos, and they have done well.
Just wondered if anyone else still gets depressed or upset after being disengaged?
- Kes
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Re: Here we go again
Yes, I can relate - I do get down now and then about my history with my two SDs (30 and 29). In 2022 I said I didn't want anything more to do with SD30 but I fear that if her circumstances changed or she has a child, I might be forced into contact with her.
Your SD34 sounds like very hard work, I don't know what more you could have done for her. I don't torment myself with that - I know that anything I did would be twisted by BM and the SDs into something dark. I once tried to arrange for SD30 to see a therapist, but BM scuppered it.
Just be proud of your sons and thankful that you're not involved with SD34 any longer.
- Rags
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Re: Here we go again
A different situation, though I understand the depression related to "them".
For me/us, we were the primary home and family for my SS. We lived under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO for 16 years starting a few days after we married. DW had an earlier CO for the year prior to our marriage. Nothing cumbersome. It established paternity, formalized full physical and legal custody for my then not yet met DW, and established a CS order.
The hearing a few days after we married was to settle a custody attempt by SperGrandHag. Their attempt failed and full physical and legal was upheld for my DW, CS was raised by $23/mo, and a long-distance visitation schedule was ordered for the NCP.
Meanwhile 16yrs later and back at the ranch our son, my SS, aged out from under the CO on his 18th B-day. I had some interesting reactions to that and even now, 15yrs after he aged out from under the CO, I get a bit depressed about his situation with the SpermClan. There has been zero contact between my son and his SpermClan for over 5yrs. None. They make no effort, he reciprocates their effort.
Occasionally I make sure to ask if he has had any interface with them. Nope. Occasionally, in response to my asking, he will tell us that he knows who his family is and who is not his family.
While I am proud of him, proud to be his dad, and proud that he knows where his safe harbor is and who his family is, it all still irks me and makes me sad.
If you can't listen, learn, & think, you will have to feel. - WLR
- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: Here we go again
I understand it- I had a dream of "what it could have been"- sometimes you fall into softening your stance and as a good person thinking of the very nominal mistakes you made as a parent but then I remember just how horrible they treated me and how their perspective was to find hurt, harm, etc. I found turning that sadness into something actionable for yourself- do something you love and every time that washes over you divert your attention. We've done the heavy hard thankless lift, why continue ?
- Meera
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Re: Here we go again
SD's 29&27 life outcome doesn't make me sad but I think that's because I met them when they were preteens. They were already so snotty, so much like BM and she had them convinced that she was the victim of the family. (In BM's mind SHE is a victim, SD's are just collateral damage) It is sad but it has never been my monkeys' or my circus. If I had met them when they were younger I probably would feel differently or if they had put one iota of effort into being kind or open to a relationship then maybe I would feel differently. We can only do so much in these situations.
Last edited by Meera (2/03/2026 9:38 pm)
I'm loving midlife - Me+era