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1 of 1- donewiththat
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Here we go again
Hi everyone, I used to post on the old site and this is my first post here. As for background, my husband and I have been married 30 years. He had a 4 year old daughter when we married. We raised our two sons together and they are both in college and doing very well.
When SD - now 34 - was growing up and got to be a teenager, she became violent and into lots of trouble. She threated to kill us, called the police on my husband for hitting her (which he did not). When she was at our house, I would lock me and the boys (very young) in our bedroom at night for safety.
Once she was officially an adult, we didn't hear from her much, but I was very much traumatized by it all. The in-laws didn't help because it was all about SD; they didn't seem to care about our sons. SD now has 3 children. The first one was adopted by her mother. The second one lives with the father. The 3rd was just born a couple months ago and she doesn't know who the father is, or won't tell.
SD34 has been diagnosed bipolar and is on disability. She has never worked and likely won't.
I disengaged long ago - maybe 15 years ago. But still when I hear about her and what she's doing, I get very upset and depressed for a while. I think I feel like I should've or could've done more to help. But at this point, I don't want anything to do with that situation. I spent years protecting my sons from the constant chaos, and they have done well.
Just wondered if anyone else still gets depressed or upset after being disengaged?
- Kes
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Re: Here we go again
Yes, I can relate - I do get down now and then about my history with my two SDs (30 and 29). In 2022 I said I didn't want anything more to do with SD30 but I fear that if her circumstances changed or she has a child, I might be forced into contact with her.
Your SD34 sounds like very hard work, I don't know what more you could have done for her. I don't torment myself with that - I know that anything I did would be twisted by BM and the SDs into something dark. I once tried to arrange for SD30 to see a therapist, but BM scuppered it.
Just be proud of your sons and thankful that you're not involved with SD34 any longer.
- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: Here we go again
I understand it- I had a dream of "what it could have been"- sometimes you fall into softening your stance and as a good person thinking of the very nominal mistakes you made as a parent but then I remember just how horrible they treated me and how their perspective was to find hurt, harm, etc. I found turning that sadness into something actionable for yourself- do something you love and every time that washes over you divert your attention. We've done the heavy hard thankless lift, why continue ?
- Meera
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Re: Here we go again
SD's 29&27 life outcome doesn't make me sad but I think that's because I met them when they were preteens. They were already so snotty, so much like BM and she had them convinced that she was the victim of the family. (In BM's mind SHE is a victim, SD's are just collateral damage) It is sad but it has never been my monkeys' or my circus. If I had met them when they were younger I probably would feel differently or if they had put one iota of effort into being kind or open to a relationship then maybe I would feel differently. We can only do so much in these situations.
Last edited by Meera (2/03/2026 9:38 pm)
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