That’s great. You’re starting to practice nachoing, as in “nacho kids”. It’s good for your mental and physical health.

BanksiaRose wrote:

That’s great. You’re starting to practice nachoing, as in “nacho kids”. It’s good for your mental and physical health.

I just can't do it anymore when we have DD here that we can make a difference for. DD is thriving, she even started going to dance class this month now that she is 18 months. 

NotYourAverageStepMama wrote:

Where we just need to enjoy the time when SD is here, but ultimately let go trying to make a difference in her life. SD’s life at BM’s is ultimately too different and it has not influenced SD in a positive way. Dh and I will not be moving to BM’s state which is different from the state we all lived in because BM does not live in that state anymore either.

BM has allowed SD to have these “safe social media for kids” accounts which are not safe. I as an adult was able to make an account for both of those apps in under 10 minutes, posing as a kid for one and the other I didn’t even have to make an account to see all the videos. SD and her sister who is 11 are both posting private information. Yes, you can’t direct message on either apps, but you can watch, comment & ultimately a predator could track either one of them down. DH has not said anything to BM because 1. That’s when SD stops telling us things if it is brought up to BM, 2. There is nothing in the court order preventing BM from allowing those accounts if she chooses to on her time, 3. It is not going to go anywhere.

Between what SD has shared and what is seen online, our household will never be like BM’s. At one point we hoped SD might want to live with us when she can have a say, but we can’t compete. Not that we ever would want to, but we are not going to have a no bed time, unlimited phone access, access to content that is not age appropriate that goes for shows, movies, music, etc. I feel like listing all this we are super strict parents, but then I remind myself SD is only 9 years old and this stuff isn’t new. We don’t buy clothes for SD that are crop tops, make up outside of lipgloss right now is also not allowed, but she’s constantly wearing inappropriate clothes and wearing a full face of make up at BM’s.

I am sorry but DH and I signed up to be parents and not SD’s best friend where BM has a total different prerogative. You can argue well DH needs more time with SD to attempt to turn things around, but only way that would happen is if we moved to BM’s state which we will not do. It also seems like BM has plans to move out of that and relocate to where husband #3 lives which is a different state than BM, so would be pointless anyway.

I am saying all this because SD’s school has not improved, in fact it has gotten worse. SD has more F’s than anything this year. Her teacher and special ed teacher say she isn’t getting support at home for homework and SD isn’t interested in doing anything than rushing through it whether it is right or wrong.

I am exhausted trying to make a difference when we just see more traits of BM the more time goes by. Yes, she does spend more time with BM, but there are plenty of children not like their parents and SD is more interested in the superficial things. Maybe, it will change when she gets older, but I really don’t think so especially with the influences at play that she enjoys. Watching what she and her sister post on these apps, it is horrendous the lack of parent that BM is. Especially with the horrible grades. Where SD lives if she doesn’t put effort in to her schooling, it is really hard to see her life going anywhere meaningful.

I say all this, but my love for SD has not changed. We will continue to always include and see SD and participate where we can in her life. What I am saying is I cannot put the stress on myself and us to try to turn things around when there doesn’t seem to be a route to do so that is actually feasible. I am disappointed because she could be doing so much better especially in school. She has the ability, but she just doesn’t want to try. We saw it this break that anything that does not come easy, she just gives up. Sd shows no motivation or ambition to work at things that are tough.

Anyway, rant over. Thanks anyone that made it to the end.

EDIT: I forgot to include therapy in my blog above. SD has had a new therapist since August 2025 when her therapist before received a promotion. SD has not been consistent about going. BM has canceled some appointments and not rescheduled and gone longer stretches than before without making appointments. After the latest appointment in January 2026 the therapist expressed SD "doesn't like to talk about emotions, behaviors, or issues that she is having." ... So basically therapy at this point is a wash. I don't know if BM keeps sending SD because the school had suggested SD go to therapy or what the point is if SD is not going regularly enough to get comfortable to even talk to this new therapist. 

Even though I was never close to my SD as you have been with yours, I feel this. And I think you are so smart to come to this conclusion. Influence is a strong, strong thing. My SD, now an adult, is a stranger to both me and her father. It's hard to believe how brainwashed she is. But she's an adult who should be making her own decisions, holding her own attitudes and beliefs. For the most part, she doesn't. So, we've thrown our hands in the air. While DH visits her about twice a year (and always returns with a bunch of concerns, which he recognizes he can't dwell on or do anything about), I have nothing to do with her now and never will. Her life with BM was a life polar opposite to ours. 

Unfortunately, it's the outcome for the majority of us in the toxic step world. We simply have to "drop the rope" for our own sanity. Ask me how I know. LOL

I wanted so much more for DHs kids than their mom ever wanted or expected from them. So did DH. And we were willing to put out any monies needed to get the last two educated. Of course, with the PAS from the BM and oldest SD and SS, we were NEVER going to make any kind of positive impact on DHs kids. Youngest SS lived here in his Junior year of HS....got him back on track for our state tuition program, A's & B's the entire school year and no missed days. Only to go back to BM, fail multiple classes, miss 53 days of school and flunked his senior year. Of course, us back to the rescue to help him get the GED (got it in ONE week) and get him into a car. That began the next wave of madness and I was "stick a fork in me, I'm done." I walked away. And yes...the youngest SS struggles in life to make ends meet because he has zero skill for the job market. 

Today, all DHs kids are adults. I know very little of them and their lives. Even youngest SS, who I am now in contact with....I still keep it very civil and superficial. Nothing deep.

I know it's hard to make these changes....we are all good people on this board, wanting the best for all involved....but at the end of the day, if we don't take care of ourselves, we are no good for anyone. Best to you.

One thing that I believe was a heavy influence on DH's kids was fear. BM threatened them with her demise--not an outward threat of suicide, but instead, she would put herself in dangerous situations and she would also talk a lot about cancer running in her family. . . she used to insinuate to DH that the skids were at high risk of this certain kind of cancer, too. She also carefully crafted a false narrative which made her (and them) the all-suffering victim(s). She yelled at DH that she "didn't even date because of the kids," which was a joke, as she moved them in with her affair guy. I think she didn't date after that because she is such a horrible person and a fanatic. . . and her "loneliness" made her more of a martyr.  
So, the skids grew up with a victim who was going to die. But I have known other people who grew up with similar manipulative mothers, and they did detach from the crazy and became their own functioning pretty well-adjusted people. 

 

StandingStrong wrote:

Unfortunately, it's the outcome for the majority of us in the toxic step world. We simply have to "drop the rope" for our own sanity. Ask me how I know. LOL

I wanted so much more for DHs kids than their mom ever wanted or expected from them. So did DH. And we were willing to put out any monies needed to get the last two educated. Of course, with the PAS from the BM and oldest SD and SS, we were NEVER going to make any kind of positive impact on DHs kids. Youngest SS lived here in his Junior year of HS....got him back on track for our state tuition program, A's & B's the entire school year and no missed days. Only to go back to BM, fail multiple classes, miss 53 days of school and flunked his senior year. Of course, us back to the rescue to help him get the GED (got it in ONE week) and get him into a car. That began the next wave of madness and I was "stick a fork in me, I'm done." I walked away. And yes...the youngest SS struggles in life to make ends meet because he has zero skill for the job market. 

Today, all DHs kids are adults. I know very little of them and their lives. Even youngest SS, who I am now in contact with....I still keep it very civil and superficial. Nothing deep.

I know it's hard to make these changes....we are all good people on this board, wanting the best for all involved....but at the end of the day, if we don't take care of ourselves, we are no good for anyone. Best to you.

It really is very unfortunate, but right now when SD will be 10, it is very hard to see a different outcome.