It's sad.  Don't you wish that you could send a letter to the judge who refused to validate her father as a parent.. so she could "stay with her sister".. 

Hi Judge,

Just wanted to congratulate you on your ruling. Instead of one child being subject to a mother who deviously presented a child as someone's else's..  you decided that it would be better to double up on the exposure to someone with questionable morals and someone who's parenting skills have been shown to be really poor.

So, despite our best efforts on the miniscule amount of time we have been given, this girl is failing miserably at school, involved heavily with poor choices in social media and is on a path to a failed life and we have no control over the brakes on that runaway car. 

Bravo... just thought you would enjoy seeing the report cards so you can sleep well knowing you have ruined a little girl's life.. a life that could have been different if placing her with her biological father would have been prioritized over an association with a half sister and mother that can't parent herself out of a paper bag. 

Could we go back and fight for her? The reality is no.  no one has the means.. the finances.. the time.. etc.. and with the way the courts want to favor any kind of mother over fathers.. the result would be no different we fear.. and we can't bankrupt and ruin everyone's lives over some sliver of chance that the outcome would be any different.
 

ESMOD wrote:

It's sad.  Don't you wish that you could send a letter to the judge who refused to validate her father as a parent.. so she could "stay with her sister".. 

Hi Judge,

Just wanted to congratulate you on your ruling. Instead of one child being subject to a mother who deviously presented a child as someone's else's..  you decided that it would be better to double up on the exposure to someone with questionable morals and someone who's parenting skills have been shown to be really poor.

So, despite our best efforts on the miniscule amount of time we have been given, this girl is failing miserably at school, involved heavily with poor choices in social media and is on a path to a failed life and we have no control over the brakes on that runaway car. 

Bravo... just thought you would enjoy seeing the report cards so you can sleep well knowing you have ruined a little girl's life.. a life that could have been different if placing her with her biological father would have been prioritized over an association with a half sister and mother that can't parent herself out of a paper bag. 

Could we go back and fight for her? The reality is no.  no one has the means.. the finances.. the time.. etc.. and with the way the courts want to favor any kind of mother over fathers.. the result would be no different we fear.. and we can't bankrupt and ruin everyone's lives over some sliver of chance that the outcome would be any different.
 

If only that letter would do any good or even actually make it to the judge's desk for him to read! It is really sad that the judge put more importance on the relationship with the half sister than the relationship with her biological father. Lately, it has weighed on me even more the whole half sister bit of it too. I have no idea who my dad's bio dad is. All I do know is that my paternal grandfather is not my Dad's biological father. Hell, I know it is a sensitive topic so I don't even know if he adopted my Dad or what. I do know that his biological father wanted nothing to do with him, until he was an adult with kids and at that point my father was not interested. His bio dad is now dead. My sister did a DNA test out of curiosity with her DNA make up. I just did one myself because we literally know nothing about his dad's background which I never said any of this to him, but he knows I did one. What I am getting at is I do know who my biological father is, but I don't know who my biological paternal grandfather is and now at 31 I am curious about it. I can't imagine not having a clue who my biological father especially when it is not due to adoption or something, especially as a child. 

Because of changes with the court ordered app they use, we exported all the conversations on the app. I read through some of the beginning of it and BM giving DH a hard time that he would not discuss the sister after she removed his legal rights to her. Not that I needed a reminder of why things will never be civil with BM, but man oh man did it just make me so angry. I was angry before, but after having DD and going through my own questions about ancestry, makes me dislike her even more than I already have. 
 

NotYourAverageStepMama wrote:

Where we just need to enjoy the time when SD is here, but ultimately let go trying to make a difference in her life. SD’s life at BM’s is ultimately too different and it has not influenced SD in a positive way. Dh and I will not be moving to BM’s state which is different from the state we all lived in because BM does not live in that state anymore either.

BM has allowed SD to have these “safe social media for kids” accounts which are not safe. I as an adult was able to make an account for both of those apps in under 10 minutes, posing as a kid for one and the other I didn’t even have to make an account to see all the videos. SD and her sister who is 11 are both posting private information. Yes, you can’t direct message on either apps, but you can watch, comment & ultimately a predator could track either one of them down. DH has not said anything to BM because 1. That’s when SD stops telling us things if it is brought up to BM, 2. There is nothing in the court order preventing BM from allowing those accounts if she chooses to on her time, 3. It is not going to go anywhere.

Between what SD has shared and what is seen online, our household will never be like BM’s. At one point we hoped SD might want to live with us when she can have a say, but we can’t compete. Not that we ever would want to, but we are not going to have a no bed time, unlimited phone access, access to content that is not age appropriate that goes for shows, movies, music, etc. I feel like listing all this we are super strict parents, but then I remind myself SD is only 9 years old and this stuff isn’t new. We don’t buy clothes for SD that are crop tops, make up outside of lipgloss right now is also not allowed, but she’s constantly wearing inappropriate clothes and wearing a full face of make up at BM’s.

I am sorry but DH and I signed up to be parents and not SD’s best friend where BM has a total different prerogative. You can argue well DH needs more time with SD to attempt to turn things around, but only way that would happen is if we moved to BM’s state which we will not do. It also seems like BM has plans to move out of that and relocate to where husband #3 lives which is a different state than BM, so would be pointless anyway.

I am saying all this because SD’s school has not improved, in fact it has gotten worse. SD has more F’s than anything this year. Her teacher and special ed teacher say she isn’t getting support at home for homework and SD isn’t interested in doing anything than rushing through it whether it is right or wrong.

I am exhausted trying to make a difference when we just see more traits of BM the more time goes by. Yes, she does spend more time with BM, but there are plenty of children not like their parents and SD is more interested in the superficial things. Maybe, it will change when she gets older, but I really don’t think so especially with the influences at play that she enjoys. Watching what she and her sister post on these apps, it is horrendous the lack of parent that BM is. Especially with the horrible grades. Where SD lives if she doesn’t put effort in to her schooling, it is really hard to see her life going anywhere meaningful.

I say all this, but my love for SD has not changed. We will continue to always include and see SD and participate where we can in her life. What I am saying is I cannot put the stress on myself and us to try to turn things around when there doesn’t seem to be a route to do so that is actually feasible. I am disappointed because she could be doing so much better especially in school. She has the ability, but she just doesn’t want to try. We saw it this break that anything that does not come easy, she just gives up. Sd shows no motivation or ambition to work at things that are tough.

Anyway, rant over. Thanks anyone that made it to the end.

EDIT: I forgot to include therapy in my blog above. SD has had a new therapist since August 2025 when her therapist before received a promotion. SD has not been consistent about going. BM has canceled some appointments and not rescheduled and gone longer stretches than before without making appointments. After the latest appointment in January 2026 the therapist expressed SD "doesn't like to talk about emotions, behaviors, or issues that she is having." ... So basically therapy at this point is a wash. I don't know if BM keeps sending SD because the school had suggested SD go to therapy or what the point is if SD is not going regularly enough to get comfortable to even talk to this new therapist. 

Even though I was never close to my SD as you have been with yours, I feel this. And I think you are so smart to come to this conclusion. Influence is a strong, strong thing. My SD, now an adult, is a stranger to both me and her father. It's hard to believe how brainwashed she is. But she's an adult who should be making her own decisions, holding her own attitudes and beliefs. For the most part, she doesn't. So, we've thrown our hands in the air. While DH visits her about twice a year (and always returns with a bunch of concerns, which he recognizes he can't dwell on or do anything about), I have nothing to do with her now and never will. Her life with BM was a life polar opposite to ours. 

In the past it seemed that you were trying to rescue your SD in the hopes that summer tutoring would get her closer to where she should be academically.

Will that be the case going forward? I would understand if it wasn’t. It sounds like she has fallen so far behind that getting her caught up would take more than a few weeks in the summer.

I read an article recently that said that children inherent intelligence from their mother. That would explain a lot in your SD’s case.

Last edited by dollbabies (1/31/2026 12:51 am)

@StandingStrong.. if we don't take care of ourselves, we are no good for anyone. 

Fact.

MorningMia,  My wife's family has an interesting dynamic though not the never-ending threat of anyone's demise as a tool of manipulation.  That... was my GM.  My mother's mother played that card frequently and hard.  It got worse as she got older.  The never-ending guilt of her imminent demise guilting my mother into visiting her instead of participating in long planed family events, trips, and activities.  Mom and my GM would talk regularly.  Mom being who she is would share with my GM that we were all going on some trip, or mom and dad were taking a trip, or, or, or, or, or.  My GM would immediately start the pouting guild fest that mom or all of us should visit her because it would be the last time we would see her.  

This went on for the better part of two decades.  I finally let my mom know that the rest of us were getting tired of her backing out of our joint plans to cater to her own mother's guilt trip.  I was stern when I told her she had to learn that she could not share any plans with her own mother and could only talk about those plans after the fact.

Mom got very quiet for some time after I planted that flag as a hill that I would die on regarding my GM.

An interesting thing, I am the eldest of that GM's 5 grandsons and the only one who regularly called her and occasionally would visit her. She even commented on that a number of times with my mom and with my aunt that I called her regularly and would make it a point to visit her periodically.   Interestingly, my GM would not invest as heavily in the guilt trip with me.  Though I rarely shared plans with her. I only told her what I was doing and had done. Rarely did I ever share 

My ILs have never directly guilted my DW.  Their model is very insidious and an underlying level of jealousy towards my wife.  Primarily my MIL.  It was so strong that my FIL would get irritated with my wife over my MILs irritation. Anything from MIL getting all pouty when we bought our first home together a year after we married.  My wife was 20.  This yanked my MIL's chain so much that she (MIL) made my FIL and their 3 younger kids miserable.   Much like is the case with your SKids drinking the BM Kool-Aid, 2 of my DW's three younger sibs have a thing much like my MIL demonstrated towards my wife when they were in their teens.  A very well developed and focused jealousy toward my wife.  It is at a fairly comprehensive level.  She takes care of herself, they don't.  So they toss digs at her about her body. Which is odd since all of her sibs and their mates are very overweight.  They toss digs at her about her clothes because "no one needs to spend that much money on clothes".  The same with cars, houses, trips, that she is a naive college girl who does not 

I will say that as she has aged my MIL has gotten far better about it all.  To the point that she is very engaging with my DW because my DW is the only of her children that do not regularly inject drama into her life.  Though drama, victimhood, and superiority demonstrate regularly as an integrated condition in my IL clan.  Ignoring their own lack of character, their own failure, standing on that as a point of pride, and demonizing people of performance and equality, even when their target may be one of their own.  

If one of them experiences a positive outcome at any level, that person becomes the target of the moment.  

Interestingly, my SIL and my BIL1 are the hot beds of much of this and are also historically very close to their eldest sister.  My DW.  BIL2 is just a guy with a heart of gold who is pretty much never let off of the hook by anyone un the family other than my wife and I.

I am sorry that you and your DH have invested so much in your SKids without a return of positivity in their own lives because they refuse to embrace what you and their dad have demonstrated.

dollbabies wrote:

In the past it seemed that you were trying to rescue your SD in the hopes that summer tutoring would get her closer to where she should be academically.

Will that be the case going forward? I would understand if it wasn’t. It sounds like she has fallen so far behind that getting her caught up would take more than a few weeks in the summer.

I read an article recently that said that children inherent intelligence from their mother. That would explain a lot in your SD’s case.

So the problem we have found with the summer tutoring is it will catch her up and then she will do well for the first couple months of summer, but then when they get deeper into new material then SD is right back at being behind. The school has asked BM about having SD take part in this FREE afterschool program that helps the students with their homework, studying, etc. and BM said she forgot about that and would have to look into it. Guess what? SD still doesn't partake in this program. Which goes to show that BM is not interested in really helping SD. The issue now seems that SD is not interested in trying based on what her teacher says. I am interested to see what is said in the IEP meeting that is coming up at the end of this meeting especially when we are finally on the third year of an IEP and everyone at this meeting is the same except her teacher obviously.
 

MorningMia - "Well, I didn't invest much time-wise (partially because I was not "allowed," and the cards were stacked against me from the beginning), but what I did invest was genuine and with good intentions. " 

There is no question that your investment was genuine and with good intentions.  For some reason the lack of genuine good intentions is blatant while truly genuine good intentions are spun into something else by those of deficient character.

To me, the saddest part is that those who genuinely care and have good intentions feel pain even when we clearly understand what those without character are perpetrating.  We have a spark of hope that those of deficient character will gain some clarity and redeem themselves to be better people.

For my DW it is particularly painful as those people in her life are the ones who are supposed to be those that lover her the most and that she is supposed to respect and love the most.   The betrayal of her parents, sibs, and her childhood person, her paternal 1st cousin who was her closes relationship with her BioDad's family is devastating to her.  Her BioDad was killed in a vehicle accident almost 9mos before she was born so that Unicorn Cousin had a magical position in DW's world.   She still does.  DW grieves her death intensely nearly 4yrs after she passed.  But she knows the reality that UC was not what DW thought she was. or at least what she was as a child and young adult.  Ultimately, she was a thief, a liar, and a manipulator wrapped in a very sweet package.  Which I think makes DW's grief that much more intense.

The dedication to self-delusion that her family invests in is mind boggling to both of us.  It would be so less difficult for all of them to just not do what they do instead of the constant machinations of justifying their never-ending poor choices and demonization of people who are actually people of quality and character.

It may be inappropriately transactional on my part, but I trust and care until people give me reason to not trust or care. At that point it is a clear balance sheet equation for me.  Behave, or suffer. Their choice.  My biggest struggle is that I have a one and done perspective where these people are concerned.  Betray my trust and care, and I have no use for you. At that point, there is no benefit of the doubt. There is only a binary condition.  Are they behaving or are they not behaving. 1/0. One or Zero.   

Their redemption is earned constantly, and they live in a point-by-point state with me.  I will never trust them after they default on my trust and care.  I will tolerate them or not tolerate them entirely on their 1/0 state at any given moment.  Their choice.

NotYourAverageStepMama wrote:

dollbabies wrote:

In the past it seemed that you were trying to rescue your SD in the hopes that summer tutoring would get her closer to where she should be academically.

Will that be the case going forward? I would understand if it wasn’t. It sounds like she has fallen so far behind that getting her caught up would take more than a few weeks in the summer.

I read an article recently that said that children inherent intelligence from their mother. That would explain a lot in your SD’s case.

So the problem we have found with the summer tutoring is it will catch her up and then she will do well for the first couple months of summer, but then when they get deeper into new material then SD is right back at being behind. The school has asked BM about having SD take part in this FREE afterschool program that helps the students with their homework, studying, etc. and BM said she forgot about that and would have to look into it. Guess what? SD still doesn't partake in this program. Which goes to show that BM is not interested in really helping SD. The issue now seems that SD is not interested in trying based on what her teacher says. I am interested to see what is said in the IEP meeting that is coming up at the end of this meeting especially when we are finally on the third year of an IEP and everyone at this meeting is the same except her teacher obviously.
 

I would bet you the SD has fallen so far behind that she really can’t do the work expected of her. The first couple grades are largely focused on learning the basics of reading and only then are they expected to apply their reading ability across subject areas. Now that she is expected to read and comprehend word problems or a science text her inability becomes apparent. What seems like not trying may well just be a lack of ability.

My granddaughter is dyslexic but still learned to read enough to satisfy the first few years. It was only when she was hit with words she’d never heard before that her inability to sound out words became apparent. Science vocabulary was tortuous. She was also ADHD and so staff saw that as her problem, not the dyslexia. But it was both. Plus she had never had any true phonics instruction.