That's tough. My SS is 20yo, and no longer stays here overnight though he sees his dad a lot. SS's BM doesn't live too far, so he's able to keep in close touch with his dad, also by phone. But I want to continue to establish good boundaries because I'm worried about a future in which my tensions with SS could not only continue but multiply if and when he gets married and has a family. I already know what it's like to have him and his friends come here and gang up on me (even if the behavior is not overtly aggressive, it is very bad vibes). I could totally see how anxiety-provoking your situation is.

I totally disagree that it's your fault that the situation played out as it did. You have your contribution, I'm sure, just as your SDs and DH does, but it would be a huge mistake to trace all causes back to your actions in the moment. I can say that because I did exactly that until recently. What I didn't see before that I see now is that SS and DH made choices that contributed to the situation, but the only one suffering the consequences was me. Of course they don't feel anxious the way I do - they made choices that made their lives easier, and as long as I was afraid to cause trouble, they could be contented, and I would continue to assume all of the angst.

You depicted your husband as being someone who stands up for you and your kids, but is he doing that fully or just enough to alleviate his guilt? I'm asking because I was willing to accept the bones that dh threw my way, but I came to realize they were not nearly enough. In your story, I was struck by the fact that your dh planned a last minute family gathering together which included your ESD despite your history with her. Did he consider your feelings at all in his choices? During the fall, my SS made a last minute, unscheduled visit home from college. That weekend, my dh cleared out plans for the weekend to accommodate SS, including cooking his favorite meal with my help on that Saturday night, and then I didn't see dh at all the next day as he took SS out and then drove him back to college, again all unscheduled. I won't get into all that happened that weekend, but things came to a head, and since then DH has stopped forcing me to spend time with SS, and he has completely stopped making last minute plans with SS. Btw, therapy sessions were involved, and there is a lot of context I'm leaving out.

For a long time, I couldn't ask for what I needed or wanted due to evil SM tropes in my head and guilt. Like when SS came for that last minute visit in the fall, I went along because who am I to stand in the way of DH reuniting with his child after a month and a half of not seeing him?! I felt that I couldn't protect myself without being a bad guy. But I've put in the work to question these premises. Why do plans have to involve me helping? Why must spend time here versus another venue? etc. When I took a step back, I realized that SS was probably intentional about his plans in order to control the narrative. I think he enjoys watching DH force me to cook his favorite meal and to cast everything aside to accommodate him. That's just speculation which I've done too much of in blended family life, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have to do that as much now that I'm more assertive about what I want and need. I feel less anxious now that I have more of a say and DH genuinely considers me. He had to because I let him know very clearly that I would not stay in a situation where I was not genuinely being considered.

Often I feel my anxiety about the blended family life most at church where people sit still and reverently. I was relieved and happy to find that the last few Sundays, I had virtually no anxiety. Maybe still a little sore and mad about somethings, but the kind that hijacks your emotions, etc. was gone. I did nothing special, the minister didn't say anything unique to my situation. I was so astonished that I wondered, 'could it really be just the situation?' I have never been diagnosed with anxiety. I do have trauma in my childhood which is what DH focused on. He thought that my reactions stemmed solely from my baggage, and I also bought into that. I do think my baggage amplifies my reactions, but I don't think it was the cause of my anxiety. I've learned that sometimes it is the situation and others that affect you. 

ESMOD wrote:

I'm a bit confused.. why didn't your husband want to sit with his kids and grandkids that he hadn't seen in a while?  

I do think you are overthinking a lot of this.. and it's like when you panic order when the waiter gets to you.. ordering something you actually don't like.. you were so in your head.. you know your "choice" was probably not great.

Just a couple of thoughts on this.

1.  since there is a big difference in the ages of his kids and your younger ones.. I would not expect loads of interraction.. for their visits.. I might expect you have your kids there at the beginning.. where they say hello to their father's older kids.. then they can go off to do their thing.  
2.  Your instinct to go do YOUR thing after a while during the visit was good.. let him catch up in more depth with his kids.. you show some politeness and initial interest.. then after that.. excuse yourself to "take care of some thing.. ".. while they continue their INFREQUENT visits.
3.  for the meal situation.. your role?  say hello.. small talk.. say hello to the littles.. place your husband closer to them.. eat your meal... making an issue to not be able to sit near them.. you know that was a mistake.. your instincts were correct there.. I know it can be awkward.. but sometimes we just grin and bear it for the sake of our partners... if your own kids were there too.. you could have made a point to be "busy with them" too.. "oh just going to check on the kids".. be back.. when you needed a break.  

I do think you may want to seek some help to figure out how you can move forward with her being occasionally in your life.  It sounds like she is making effforts to be friendly to you.. and to bury the hatchet.. and at some point.. you may need to figure out how to get over some of the hurts that were in place that stemmed from a time when she was an immature child.. likely with a lot of pressure from her own mother etc.. and that since your husband does want to be in their lives.. that making the best of it.. is probably the only way it can work.. so you need to work on getting to that space in your head.. if you need a therapist to help.. that's fine.
and.. just because they are in your lives as friendly adult stepkids.. that doesn't mean they will have a sibling relationship with your youngers.. they may not be overly doting aunts.. they should say hello to your kids.. but they don't necessarily need to be attending sporting evetns and awards ceremonies.. there is a valid inbetween state.

Thanks for your reply...I'm sure my husband did want to sit with them but I didn't. I desperately wanted to sit with my 'safe people' in that situation and I didn't know how his older daughters or their partners were going to be with me. I just couldn't cope. 

I definitely do overthink it all. I've spent years of my life feeling hurt, angry, resentful over this situation, so much that it's consumed me time and time again so much so that leaving my marriage felt like the only way to get it all to stop. I've tried counciling but the professionals I spoke to just don't understand the complexities of blended families and the emotional trauma of it all. Tbh, at the moment, I wouldn't be able to afford to see anyone privately anyway. 

1. I know you said that you wouldn't expect much interaction due to the age gaps but they literally haven't spoken a word to them. I would have thought they'd had tried to make some kind of small talk with them but nothing at all, yet am I expected to coo over their babies or is it okay for me to completely ignore them as well. Selfishly, I wouldn't even want them to have close relationship with our children but I HAD to try so hard with them when they were young no matter how I was treated but they won't even attempt small talk with our children. I also feel like if I ignore her children like that or make zero effort to speak to them, I would be the bad guy. It's double standards. 

2. I do feel like they overstayed their welcome on that first visit. The children and I felt awkward in our own home and then she gives framed photos for us to display here. She can't go from being so rude for so many years and then act like we're a fully blended family. For me, baby steps and gradual acceptance of each other would have been preferable. 

3. You're absolutely right. I was wrong and I've undone all of the progress we've made because I couldn't hide my anxieties and just 'be nice'. I'm sure I'll regret my behaviour for many years to come as now ESD and her partner will go back to completely ignoring me or worse, she'll continue the sneaky, bully-like behaviour of the past. 

Unfortunately, the bad behaviour isn't just from when she was a child. The pushing episode was only 18 months ago and blanking me, even when I've been polite and said 'hello'...She was in her twenties when she was behaving like that too. I carry a lot of trauma from how she's treated me in the past. I'm just upset that I've made everything worse for myself and for everyone again. 

Tryingjusttrying, Thanks for your reply.... I remember the days when they used to have friends at our home. I'd walk in and call 'Hi!' and no one would even look up or respond. It was awful. 

Yes, I do wonder if they're filled with anxiety at the thought of seeing me; I doubt it. 

My husband did ask me if it was okay to invite them, my response was 'it's up to you'. I don't think I had enough time to prepare myself mentally and I wan't expecting to panic the way I did. 

Same as you, I won't be preparing food or babysitting their kids or anything like that. We're too far down the line for that; just a cordial relationship would suffice, I'm just so mad at myself that we'd worked hard to get to that cordial place and I ruined it. 

@daisymaes - "My husband did ask me if it was okay to invite them, my response was 'it's up to you'. I don't think I had enough time to prepare myself mentally and I wan't expecting to panic the way I did."

I just think that if you're panicking, is that all your fault which implies that you're the sole cause and the only one who can stop it? In my own journey with this, I'm learning that my anxiety, though it manifests internally, can have external causes that when addressed, make things better. I was treating my anxiety as some subjective, non-essential side issue, whereas SS's needs and demands were essential, non-negotiable facts. But I think that black and white mind-set of his needs versus mine is wrong, and it was SS who put that out there. If forced to choose, SS won every time since he was the child after all. But I've started to question that dichotomy. I want space for my experience and needs, not at the exclusion of everyone else's, but in addition to everyone else's. In the past, I was given no space at all due to DH's guilt and my own baggage that keeps me small and unobtrusive.

Like you, up until the recent past, I relented and went along if DH and/or SS wanted SS to come over. I just put aside my anxiety as a non-essential side issue to be ashamed of. I still had that reaction when my fully 20 yo SS gave us a surprise visit in October. But now that he's older, it's harder to accept the idea that whatever SS wants is divinely ordained, and I should be ashamed if I have any hard feelings about it.

I reacted very badly to the way in which DH expected me to go along and even be as excited as him to be reunited with SS. After having had some distance from it, my reaction was 'seriously? You're not even going to acknowledge that I might be a little hesitant to see SS' given that SS gave me such a hard time over the years. When I told DH later that he could have made plans that didn't involve me seeing and cooking for SS, DH was very, very angry, and I was upset and feeling guilty as usual. But I've stood my ground and he and I are more accepting of the notion that I am allowed to have my truth, and the truth is that I have resentment and anger over being treated unfairly over the years. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and a way beyond that, but at the moment, dh is giving me the breathing room to feel and process my grief over many years of being disrespected and neglected. 

A few years back, on a doctor's visit, I was diagnosed with hypertension and high blood pressure. It was bad enough that the doctor told me that if it didn't come down on its own, he would have to prescribe medication. That was quite a surprise. I am very healthy - I eat very healthy and exercise 3-4 times a week. My whole family is like this, and yes, we're very annoying (even my dh gets annoyed and tries to ram junk food down my throat). I immediately thought that stress could be a factor and asked the doctor about it. He said that it could very well be. Coincidentally, I got a very clean bill of health on my last visit which occurred after months of SS being at college. That's enough evidence for me to make reducing my anxiety as a high priority. It's not just a side issue, it's a matter of my very physical health. DH gets this. When I pointed this out, he understood that yes, whether the cause is my internal reactions or the situation, I have a right to take care of my health, and that might mean limiting contact with SS.