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1 of 1- Tryingjusttrying
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Hear of CAPVA (Child and Adolescent to Parent abuse?)
Hi all, I wanted to share this report about CAPVA (Child and Adolescent tor Parent Violence and Abuse) that I discovered after reading an article about it. It was written with the support of the government in the UK! It recognizes that sometimes domestic abuse can come from our children. In fact, what makes this form of abuse so insidious is that often society will not acknowledge it as abuse or "blame the victim" due to the caretaking role assigned to parents, which further enables abusive behaviors.
The report doesn't specifically address SPs, but I thought it was really helpful to make explicit and describe the ways in which kids and teens exploit their BioPs' vulnerabilities if they have abusive inclinations. There are physical, emotional, and financial forms of abuse and coercion. We've seen this in our lives. The biggest take away for me is what they say are the causes for this kind of abuse. Often such kids are victims of trauma and abuse themselves, which we've talked about in Steptalk and here. But they also say that one cause of children choosing to abuse parents is based on reward and deterrence. They are much more likely to continue abuse if their mistreatment gets them what they want. That's what I think a lot of us struggle with. Our partners often don't see how they're feeding the beast by indulging their kids' coercive demands. A solution that they talk about is how important it is to talk to the abusers about how their actions affect their victims, and to really explore their victims' perspective. That's also something that BioPs often fail to do. They don't even want to acknowledge our perspective much less remind the SKs to consider them. I do think that this is a detriment to these kids who are missing out on cultivating empathy. The report acknowledges that often BioPs refrain from addressing abusive behaviors due to their own guilt. Anyway, I was happy to see that there are policy makers who are thinking about such things.
- MorningMia
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Re: Hear of CAPVA (Child and Adolescent to Parent abuse?)
Makes a lot of sense. Also explains why some (many/most?) of our skids have great difficulty gaining and maintaining friendships and romantic relationships. Their primary relationships in life are their parents (correction: the most toxic parent). It's why (in part) I call this situation a cult.
I can say my skids never "cultivated empathy." They cultivated ways to manipulate others to get what they wanted/needed. Interestingly enough, SD married a man who appears to be extremely cold-hearted, fake personable (knows how to "act," like SD), and who takes advantage of her. She met her match.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Hear of CAPVA (Child and Adolescent to Parent abuse?)
MorningMia wrote:
Makes a lot of sense. Also explains why some (many/most?) of our skids have great difficulty gaining and maintaining friendships and romantic relationships. Their primary relationships in life are their parents (correction: the most toxic parent). It's why (in part) I call this situation a cult.
I can say my skids never "cultivated empathy." They cultivated ways to manipulate others to get what they wanted/needed. Interestingly enough, SD married a man who appears to be extremely cold-hearted, fake personable (knows how to "act," like SD), and who takes advantage of her. She met her match.
I agree. I was thinking about a time when I was a teen, and was at a basketball camp. The girls were all in our teens, and acting stupid and belligerent. We were sassy to the coaches, talking back and being really rude. Although I'm usually shy, I became part of the herd and mouthed off to the adults too. One coach got super mad and yelled at me for being obnoxious and chewed me out. I felt ashamed and didn't ever do it again, during camp and thereafter. I'm very grateful to have been "taught" my manners. Imagine if he had tried to coddle me or if my parents shut him down for yelling at a poor little kid. I think that would have encouraged all of the wrong things.
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Thread Starter- Kes
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Re: Hear of CAPVA (Child and Adolescent to Parent abuse?)
I was interested to read this article. I agree with MorningMia that my SD's primary relationship is with their toxic BM, and they are unable to keep other relationships going. I have had quite a lot of evidence recently that DH is getting tired of the behaviour of SD30 - the "sitting there waiting to be offended" - her paranoia regarding her job situation etc. The latter is what caused me to cut off from her 3 yrs ago. She resents the fact that "despite" her 2 degrees she cannot get a good job - she currently works part time as front of house at a cinema. The fact is - and which I pointed out to her 3 yrs ago - this is her choice because she is trying to become an actress and needs time off to pursue this. This comment of mine was perceived by her as a dreadful insult.
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: Hear of CAPVA (Child and Adolescent to Parent abuse?)
Though SS seems to prefer DH over BM. SS stays with BM most of the time, and gave up on overnights here the last month he was here before leaving for college. SS and BM used to butt heads all of the time - screaming matches, threats, and the most cutting, deep insults hurled at each other. But now they seem to get along really well. I never talk to BM and say very little to SS. But DH tells me that BM flipped and went from micromanaging and punishing everything, to letting him do whatever he wants. So that's how they're "good". But I do wonder how the situation is going to evolve. Like her, I feel that SS is narcissistic, and so they will find camaraderie in that?
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