I am new to your story. 
Were you and DH together in 2009?

It sounds to me like your DH has dumped a boatload of HIS baggage on you, which you accepted likely out of the kindness of your heart & being in love with him. And now the entire ongoing situation has become a focus of your life/lives.  

I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning despising another person because of her intrusion into my married life. It's a very bad feeling. All encompassing. Engulfing. Like all of your defense mechanisms are on high alert all the time (because you do feel like you are being attacked). Although here it lasted at that really bad level about 2 years, some of it lingered, and it kept me away from who I was. I imagine your hatred of BM is eating up who you know you really are.  

Somehow, some way, I think you need to hand this back to your DH. Make decisions that take care of you. "Here. This is yours. I'm tired of it being mine. I can support you in making wise, healthy decisions, but otherwise, no . . . ."

Once I began setting MY boundaries ("kids are not welcome here any longer") and removing myself from the chaos--DISENGAGING--I was free to go back to who I am and things turned around. It may sound crazy, but I don't think it was a coincidence that within months of originally disengaging, I landed the best job of my career, and shortly thereafter achieved some more personal creative successes. I became physically healthier and more at peace, which is invaluable. I know I had to let go of all (or most) of what was intruding on my life in order to get to this place. When I made the decision to change how I felt on a daily basis, I knew that the change might come at the dissolution of my marriage. But DH woke up and began setting boundaries himself. 

This is about you making decisions. Put the focus back on you and your children. You will continue to suffer if you keep focusing on what a lying sack of s*** BM is. She is who she is. People like that LOVE living in other people's heads. Evict her. 

 

ESMOD wrote:

Both things can be true.  SS IS innocent of this situation.. he wasn't aware of the origin of his birth.  BM?  well.. could it have been a lot of wishful thinking on her part?  that she believed herself?  maybe.. or maybe she just knew your DH would be the stand up responsible person.  If she is still friends with the supposed potential father.. it doesnt' make sense that she would have really knowingly deprived him of the opportunity to be a father.. but then again.. maybe she is just a horrid person who thought your DH had deeper pockets.. you will likely never know the true motivation..or even if she was smart enough to realize that there could be another paternal option..

But... your (not really) SS well.. he is a kid that had a bomb dropped on everything he thought he knew about himself really.. and even though he and your DH were somewhat estranged at the moment.. he may not have seen that as permanent.. and he wouldn't be the first kid to tell a parent "i'm never talking to you again.. I hate you".. when they don't really mean it underneath.. but pride prevents them from fixing it at their immature age.. but now.. he is kind of adrift because your husband is quite likely NOT his father.. so where does he go from there?

and... I might still wonder if the sample provided was actually your SS's... do you think it could have been someone elses they sent to screw it all up?

I sent in the sample, using an item of my SS's. It couldn't have possibly been used by anyone else and they guarantee their results 100%. SS16 is not biologically my husband's. He is currently still his legally.

ESMOD wrote:

I agree with MIA here.

IMHO.. the healthiest thing for you and your kids is to allow your husband to take on this issue and to not burden you and your other children with it. You, can of course be made aware of important decisions that would impact your household.. but you don't need to continue to do heavy lifting here.. 

As far as your kids are concerned.. I actually would probably keep them quite in the dark at this point in time.... it's ok to let them know that SS is going through some issues and won't be around at least for the immediate future.. but you don't need to burden them with something like this.. because kids can start having their own faith in things shaken by it.  Once things are pretty  much fully legally settled.. that would be the point where a more full explanation of the situation would be warranted.  They don't need to be aware of or privvy to the emotional baggage and rollercoaster of the legalities here.  

It's ok to say.. Well.. SS is having some issues.. and doesn't want to be here with us right now.... I don't know if or when it will change.. but nothing changes about how much your dad and I love you.  Yes.. kicking the can down the road.. but who knows.. at the end of all this.. your DH and his "not son".. may decide to have some relationship anyway.. so who knows.. SS could end up being part of your family's life.. no need to wrap your kids emotions into it too much yet.

This isn't just my DH's issue. I raised him just as much, if not more. DH didn't take him to the dr/eye/dental appointments unless BM was also going. I did that. DH didn't call in sick for SS16 to school, just like he doesn't for our other kids. I do that. He was my kid, and I raised him as much as I could with the time we had. I just didn't do a very good job I guess.

The kids ask about him less and less. When we talk about him it's more of like a memory that we share, not discussing the future. This was not our intention it just turned out that way. all the kids know right now is that SS16 has decided to live with his Mom. We haven't discussed anything more. And we won't in case the miracle everyone keeps saying is gonna happen does. Nothing like holding onto false hope.