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1 of 1- Kes
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Do you feel responsible for your adult bios?
Do you feel a responsibility to make sure your adult children are OK? I mean emotionally and financially? I know at some point it kind of switches over and adult children become responsible for their ageing parents - I saw it with my elder daughter and her late Dad who died in 2020. The reason I ask is that I was ill over Christmas and had to cancel visits from both my daughters and their children. I wasn't too worried about my younger daughter (41) as she has a husband and child, but felt terribly guilty over my elder daughter(43) who is a single parent living a 3 hour drive from us. This daughter works as a teacher and just about manages to make financial ends meet - but we have helped her several times over the last few years, with money.
Anyways - my DH said - "D43 will punish you for cancelling her Xmas" - I wasn't too worried because she doesn't do this that much any more. But by George he was right. She rang me this morning to ask how I was - but in the most passive aggressive way - and when I asked (twice) if all was OK - she said she was fine - but in a voice which suggested otherwise and that she was angry with me.
She used to do this a lot but I adopted the new policy of ignoring and not phoning her until she re-contacted me with a better attitude. But it still hurts me when I have done nothing wrong and always try to support her.
Last edited by Kes (12/30/2025 7:26 am)
- Merry
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Re: Do you feel responsible for your adult bios?
I don’t feel responsible, but I do try to help out when they’re struggling. But I have a great relationship with them, and spouses. And pets. I’m extremely lucky. No passive-aggressive games.
I remember when my Mom started turning over responsibility to us “kids,” as she called us. Prepping big meals, balancing her checkbook, that kind of thing. We were all glad to help but it was also evidence of her developing frailty. Totally normal. Totally unwelcome.
But now it’s happening in small ways with me too. I recently traveled with my daughter, required renting a car. I warned her ahead of time that driving at night in unfamiliar places was a problem for me and asked that she drive at night. It was hard for me to ask.
Time passes and roles change.
- Thinkthrice
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Re: Do you feel responsible for your adult bios?
My adult bios are fiercely independent so very rarely do they ask me for favors. Sometimes a little too independent.
- Rags
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Re: Do you feel responsible for your adult bios?
Not responsible, but certainly invested.
For us, our kid (My SS) is self supporting with full benefits through the Military. Our goal is to keep him serving for another 5yrs, 3mos, and 5 days until he can fully retire with 20yrs of service. He has struggled with emotional and mental illness for a few years. So far, the military has had his back and worked with him regarding therapy and supporting his continued solid job performance.
Knock on wood they continue to do the right thing until he makes full retirement. If they medically retire him, that would be the second-best option though full retirement with a high VA disability component would be optimal.
He very well may need lifelong therapy support. My wife is of the mind that "They broke him. They better damned well fix him!" Not that we have much chance of success if we need to step in with legal support for him to fight it out.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- Yesterdays
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Re: Do you feel responsible for your adult bios?
Of course we want our adult kids to be successful but in the end we raise them the best we can and eventually have to let go of that rope and trust that they will be ok and hopefully use some of the tools we gave them.
Naturally, these things shift over time. You mention your kids in their 40s... My husband and I are in our mid 40s. We seem to be in this middle stage where we are taking care of young adult kids and also taking care of his mother who is over 80.... on top of work life, my having cancer, etc. Taking care of ourselves, our kids, AND parents.
For us it did shift, and quickly. We are now taking care of his mother. At first it naturally shifted to us and my sister in law doing the big family dinners. When I first met my husband his mom and dad would drop off groceries and cleaning supplies to my husbands house when we were away on vacation!
My husband and I now get groceries for his mom and help her out every week. His sister seems lost in her own world, seemingly refusing to recognize or accept that her aging mother needs help, though admittedly they do have some personal issues between them.
Then there is my aunt, in her late 60s, helping out her adult kids who are my age, helping out her grand kids, being a support to literally everyone around her rather than taking care of her own self. They are all so dependant on her!
It seems to me, just at first glance that your adult daughter is overly reliant and dependant.. If she's that upset that a gathering is cancelled due to your health. I don't know what it is with people who seem to maybe not realize, or even be in denial about such things.
In a way, I feel that maybe they experience fear of loss, fear of aging, of not having someone to depend on... I don't know.. Just throwing out thoughts. It doesn't feel right to me..
And then maybe, they are just lost in their own world, not having to have ever thought of how much work and care another person has provided to them, just taking them and their help for granted through the years. And maybe selfish?
In some ways I think watching my parents take care of my grandparents when I was young might have shaped how I view these things, of taking care of other people versus "depending" on someone. My mom isn't alive any longer, however I had long since moved on from being reliant on her..
By mid twenties I had moved to a city and had twin babies and was also working and married. I wish the same for my kids that they are able to make their way through life eventually have a life of their own, and be self sufficient. I will always be that "lighthouse" parent to them...
Encouraging them to figure out things on their own but always them for them as a parent if they need help or advice.
Maybe I got off topic which was, do we feel responsible to make sure our adult kids are ok? Short answer, yes, I do, however I feel like it should shift to the point of them eventually taking care of us too. ❤️
- Kes
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Re: Do you feel responsible for your adult bios?
Yesterdays - I agree my daughter is overly reliant on me - she is immature in some ways - but then again - in the 3/4 years leading up to his death in 2020, she looked out for her Dad who had to go into a care home due to dementia and was extremely assiduous in this. If you put her up against SD30, who in my view has Peter Pan syndrome - she seems extremely mature and very capable. It could be, I suppose, that having lost her father at a fairly young age (38), D43 is fearful of losing her other parent as well, and overreacts.
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