I’d be furious if DH asked me this in front of his kids. This a a question one asks privately, and not this way. It’s a discussion of why they need help, what they are doing to change their financial circumstances, and can and should we help. We should not put ourselves in debt to help. Not what are we doing to help.
 

How old are these SK's? And why is is it your responsibility to help them financially? You should have told them that we can help by instilling a good work ethic and financial responsibility in them. 
I would be furious. Not that it helps to get angry but that would be my genuine reaction. Step back and let him deal with the circus he's in. 

THANK YOU EVERYONE for the support- this was wonderufl to read and I needed it. Sometimes as a stepparent you feel like you are in a sea all by yourself while the dysfunction swirls around you. It's crazy making.

@notarelative you are exactly right this SHOULD have been a private conversation and I should NOT have been caught off guard. I am working my butt off right now and I become less and less interested in the SKID problems - not my monkey, not my circus....

@kes I agree- glad there was not anything heavy in reach....

@Meera they are 25 & 26 WAY TOO OLD to be asking ME or daddio to figure their stuff out. The next day the SKID sneered at me and told me that they were not trying to ask me to fund this new debt. THEN WHY BRING IT TO ME ON XMAS EVE??? My genuine reaction was anger and frustration - no yelling but I had to leave the table and couldn't finish my food. To work all day while they are out on the town drinking beers, hanging out and then to finally relax have them lay this problem on me. It's uneven and I am fully aware and I don't intend to let that continue.

@Wanderlustre1066 yep- livid was the feeling but I remained somewhat contained. Funny you should say that-
Round 2 came today at lunch after SKID completely ignored me but managed to swallow down the food I made. This is when DH and SKID took time to tell me I "overreacted" and that this was not something they were asking me to solve. SKID had so much animosity in his words and told me "There is so much I could say to you right now." 
Telling me this in MY house. Since adult SKID has been there he's consciously ignored me, couldn't even hug me when I greeted him, couldn't look me in the eye and would not even sit near me ALL before laying the problem on me xmas eve. he literally can't stand me and is just a dark cloud hanging over the house. 

He also told me he has very little care for me. I think I am actually done this time. I don't need to spend my precious off work time, feeding, being kind, and spending my money and then have problems thrown at me. I did my time with these SKIDs with all their problems growing up and there were many. I am going to be doing the holidays next year without them and if it's alone I am totally fine with that. 

We have a scattering of xmas presents under the tree and I haven't even had the energy to open one even on christmas day. Change is coming.


 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (12/25/2025 9:40 pm)

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm with everyone else on this one. I'd be beyond livid. I hate this for you. Stay strong. Change is a good thing! 

This is awful, and should have never happened.

I might have been irked enough to say, WELLLL darling based on my calculations, you have given 300K (or what ever that amount may be) in child support to their mom. 
Certainly she opened bank accounts for them...didn't she? Didn't she say the money was going to the children?

LOL





 

MorningMia wrote:

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm with everyone else on this one. I'd be beyond livid. I hate this for you. Stay strong. Change is a good thing! 

I was livid but contained on how I showed it in the moment. I had to endure a barrage of bad behavior prior to the incident and after the incident more garbage including a moment where SKID showed so much animosity that I had tears streaming down my face (crying for me is rare). I just realized this is hopeless and there's no way they are going to see how unfair this was to me. They simply do not care. 
 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (12/28/2025 10:53 pm)

Thumper wrote:

This is awful, and should have never happened.

I might have been irked enough to say, WELLLL darling based on my calculations, you have given 300K (or what ever that amount may be) in child support to their mom. 
Certainly she opened bank accounts for them...didn't she? Didn't she say the money was going to the children?

LOL

HAHAHA so very witty Thumper- yeah. Isn't it wild? So much glory to the other parents and a bag of flaming dog poo for the stepparents who have all the responsibility, none of the authority. The only happy ending in all this is I am dealing with adult SKIDs now and I have no need to take care of their financial problems. It's ALL on them and I have to remind myself "NOT MY MONKEYS, NOT MY CIRCUS."





 

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

Merry wrote:

How awful.

We all have a breaking point. USE your anger to help propel changes. Take some time to figure out real boundaries and real consequences.

What do YOU need to be happy? How can you rid yourself of this toxic mess in your life?

We find ourselves in situations that don’t feel real, wonder if we’re the crazy one, think maybe we’ve misunderstood. Then try to move on for the sake of “peace.” (Who’s peace? Not yours.)

Nope. It’s misery. Time for change.

This is 100% right. The change is coming. I have to go CajunMom style and I don't think I can have the SKIDs at the house any longer - it's just too disruptive, disrespectful and problematic. There is nothing great that comes my way and DH takes the breadcrumbs. He's gotta go visit them elsewhere. 
 

"Breadcrumbs." I used to use that word a lot. 

Thirteen years ago after a horrific Thanksgiving visit to our home where we (note: I) went all out, the skids hadn't even made it to the driveway as they were leaving when I calmly looked at DH and said, "They aren't stepping back into this house until I receive a sincere apology and see a sincere behavior change. I won't be treated like this in my own house." I'll never forget the look on his face--it was one of embarrassment and shame, even though he had spent the prior 5 or so years denying their god-awful behavior.  

SS called me about a week later, apologized, and we talked for a while. But, as the years passed, his behavior worsened. In hindsight, I see that he was trying to blame his "along-for-the-ride" behavior on his younger sister, which is pathetic. I didn't see, hear from, or barely think about SD for seven wonderful years. 

I let down my guard and got sucked back in--very briefly--a few times since that time. And I shut the door swift and hard after they were here acting like animals when DH was sick a few years ago. You hope that they mature, that they grow up, but somehow, here, the behavior worsened. . . more clever, more passive aggressive as they've aged. 

If DH wants to see them, he goes to them. They will never step foot inside this house again. Do it! 

This advice is GOLD- I agree @MorningMia I am on the same path. I am done with it all. DH can go off to see them- they contribute absolutely nothing to my life and after all that went down I realized I don't even enjoy them. One SKID I don't see or talk to at all and I have never once felt like I am "missing out." So here's the second one- I hope I don't relapse. I appreciated you telling me that you have had those situations come back into your life and that it recycled just as negative and toxic as before but in an older more passive aggressive way. I am truly done. Kid told me "I don't care about you." To my face and in front of family members - believe the words and realize this ain't getting better. 
 

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

MorningMia wrote:

ImperfectlyPerfect wrote:

This is 100% right. The change is coming. I have to go CajunMom style and I don't think I can have the SKIDs at the house any longer - it's just too disruptive, disrespectful and problematic. There is nothing great that comes my way and DH takes the breadcrumbs. He's gotta go visit them elsewhere. 
 

"Breadcrumbs." I used to use that word a lot. 

Thirteen years ago after a horrific Thanksgiving visit to our home where we (note: I) went all out, the skids hadn't even made it to the driveway as they were leaving when I calmly looked at DH and said, "They aren't stepping back into this house until I receive a sincere apology and see a sincere behavior change. I won't be treated like this in my own house." I'll never forget the look on his face--it was one of embarrassment and shame, even though he had spent the prior 5 or so years denying their god-awful behavior.  

SS called me about a week later, apologized, and we talked for a while. But, as the years passed, his behavior worsened. In hindsight, I see that he was trying to blame his "along-for-the-ride" behavior on his younger sister, which is pathetic. I didn't see, hear from, or barely think about SD for seven wonderful years. 

I let down my guard and got sucked back in--very briefly--a few times since that time. And I shut the door swift and hard after they were here acting like animals when DH was sick a few years ago. You hope that they mature, that they grow up, but somehow, here, the behavior worsened. . . more clever, more passive aggressive as they've aged. 

If DH wants to see them, he goes to them. They will never step foot inside this house again. Do it! 

This advice is GOLD- I agree @MorningMia I am on the same path. I am done with it all. DH can go off to see them- they contribute absolutely nothing to my life and after all that went down I realized I don't even enjoy them. One SKID I don't see or talk to at all and I have never once felt like I am "missing out." So here's the second one- I hope I don't relapse. I appreciated you telling me that you have had those situations come back into your life and that it recycled just as negative and toxic as before but in an older more passive aggressive way. I am truly done. Kid told me "I don't care about you." To my face and in front of family members - believe the words and realize this ain't getting better. 
 

By the way, this (in bold above) is beyond maddening. And I do want to mention that CajunMom is an expert at disengaging and taking care of herself.