A quick recap of my story: living separately (thanks to this forum, phew, it got close!) but within minutes from my SO, who’s long widowed from a very sick and manipulative ex, who lied about the extent of her genetic disease and squeezed out a couple of behaviourally and developmentally disordered kids on her deathbed via IVF that my SO fully funded.  The kids  that she never provided even basic care for and just enjoyed playing with on occasion before promptly carking it and getting the SO to promise he’ll raise them alone.

After much futile effort to play an understanding stepmother and still being faced with constant aggression, volatility and property damage (mostly their own), I’ve implemented a hard disengage. Minimal interactions, surface level, pleasantries only, no longer martyring myself cooking various foods they won’t even touch in disgust, they’re no longer welcome in my house beyond stopping by when SO is picking me up. He’s also recently had some serious talks with them about their impact and they seem to be a bit hurt and keeping their distance (teens/tweens), but it’s not my job to protect anyone from the consequences of their behaviours. I’m also yet to see any attempts at improvement or reparation.

SO had an accident a few months ago that involved an ambulance trip to the hospital and following surgeries. The little pr*cks did not acknowledge any of this, showed no concern and there certainly has been no help, compassion or get well cards for dad.

If anything, they used his weakened state to trash the house more and defy all the normal rules of the house and be even more disrespectful. His illusion that they may secretly care was quickly shattered when he texted them on the way home from the last surgery saying he’s out and all good, and got no response from one and “can I bring x (some cr@p l) I found on the road home?” from the other.

Anyway, to date I somehow found myself wrangled into attending Christmas Eve with his former in-laws, who, while very pleasant to my face, are a big part of that dysfunctional family dynamic and give me (and everyone, since they have alienated everyone they ever knew) the creeps. They have always lived in government housing and used to be known for drunken parties when younger, attended by similar others from their ethnic background. Apparently, the late wife disclosed that her father and his friends used to touch her inappropriately at those events and her mother just laughed it off and told her not to make a big deal out of it.

This behaviour stopped when he had to stop drinking because he was prescribed meds for a significant psychiatric disorder.

For whatever reason incomprehensible to me, she still wanted to bring her sons to them, because she wanted them to have grandparents. Now, they also have another set of grandparents that are normal and healthy and possesses social skills. The former ones refuse to attend any events including the kids birthdays and expect us to go to them. SO says that the times they had to attend something, they’d awkwardly stand in the corner and be embarrassing.

Anyway, my SO decided that he had to maintain this tradition and kept brining the kids over them on Christmas Eve, which is always the same farcical event: the in-laws present a load of food that’s been cooking all week and the ingrates turn up their noses and refuse to even try, demanding Christmas presents they’d given the list for from the time we arrive. There’s also typically one or two physical fights and screaming involved.

All the while I sit and nod politely, watching the man constantly talk over and respond instead of his wife, while she’s running around like a slave.

Well, this year, I asked my SO to end this tradition, because Christmas Eve is also the most important part of the holiday season in my culture (SO doesn’t particularly care one way or another) and said that I wanted us to celebrate at home. The amount of pushback I’ve encountered was unbelievable, with him being more fearful to disappoint the people he dislikes than to honour his relationship with me that apparently he values a lot. He wouldn’t even give them a months notice, saying it’s too late in the year, and eventually I reluctantly (resentfully) agreed that we will still attend this one and he’ll inform them things will change from next year.

Then came the cherry on top (or maybe a blessing in disguise), when he tried to remind me that we will also swing by the cemetery where the ex-demon is buried, which we sometimes do depending on time available to us. The kids never bother with the grave, and treat the cemetery as a playground, which is shameful to witness.

I felt my anger and resistance rise to the point where my stomach was churning. I texted him that I will no longer participate in this sick family enmeshment with people I find despicable that that he can do it on his own this year, and that I’ll leave it up to him to deliver the message that it’ll change from the next year for the benefit of his current relationship with the woman that’s still very much alive.

Of course, he was very uncomfortable and tried convincing me into attending, but I stayed firm. I’m sending the food I’ve prepared along with the gift I got for them, and he can tell them my chronic illness has unfortunately flared up today. He sheepishly agreed.

At first I had a strong impulse to retract and to attend this one last time, but once I’ve resisted the urge, it all subsided and I realised that the discomfort I carried was his and that I no longer need to absorb it for him. I’m also a bit sad that I’m spending Christmas Eve on my own, but it’s worth it.

For now, he has to experience the full force of his own discomfort and see what action it springs him into. That’s no longer (and never has been) mine to carry. I’m enjoying a drink in my garden with my dog and the lovely weather we are having here.

I’m hoping that my post will also give strength to those that need it to remove themselves from manipulative relationships and enmeshment.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (12/23/2025 11:41 pm)