DH and I are selling the house and separating.
Total misunderstandings have happened.  Communication could have solved this but our perspectives have ruined the beautiful relationship we once had.
The straw that broke the camel's back:  I've been sooooo busy with work and yesterday was my first day to get my bearings around Christmas decorating and gift giving discussions.  My DH had already gone on Amazon and ordered the (8) specific items for which my SD gave him links for the gks.  $40@  I admit that I over-reacted, but there is so much to it.
The gks are ages 12 and under and I have been their SG for all of their lives except for the oldest who was two and not even my SD's SD yet.  Every year we gave toys, books and/or clothing.
I have a bio GD that just turned two.  Our tradition is to celebrate Christmas Eve and not the next day.  My other kids gave their niece nice presents, gave each other nice presents and gave us nice, meaningful presents. I was told afterwards by SD "we all know that you get together on Christmas Eve so that your bio gets more".  Well, years 1 through 5 of our marriage my DH would go to his sister's where he would see his kids then he would come home to celebrate with us. Through no thoughts or actions of mine, they ended the tradition of going to their sister/aunt's house. We have hosted an alternate day with lovely food, drink, music and presents every single year.  I throw out dates then they chime in when everyone can make it.  It almost always happens to fall the weekend after Christmas.  It has never been said that they were limited to the weekend family get together it was always expressed to me that a few more marriages happened and that they were seeing the in laws.  Christmas Day is for their BM of course.  Another thing said to me was "we feel like we are receiving crumbs... your family's leftovers".  Also, "we are a divided family since you married our dad and now we don't see him on the holiday". Am I not supposed to take that as meaning the holiday day since it couldn't have included the Season because they were all here every year.
So.  For the first time ever, I baked a turkey and I invited them over for Thanksgiving.  We had one reply!  Out of (8) adults that you would think know that it's not just hot dogs to prepare.  I made it clear that it was for them and that my own kids would not be in town.  No one showed.  I am now told that I was trying to sabotage their BM's meal.  Why didn't I go for the next day or something?  Really?  So it's okay for me to get the crumbs on a leftover day?
Again, playing their game and using their passive aggressive behavior, I invited everyone to Christmas Eve Festivities. Two of the Four families were to attend.  I was preparing by telling my own kids (3+2ILs) to give the gifts for their niece at another time or another room as to not be unfair to the other (8).  To save $ and further misunderstanding of all the gifts coming from me rather than each other, we agreed to do a $50 Elfster amongst the (11) adults.  Great.  Everyone should be happy and I have completely changed our tradition to accommodate.
My DH and I discussed giving savings bonds to the gks from now on because they have too many toys. I was already thinking that it would be awkward for the adults to open a gift but not the kids.  I was thinking something small or a book to go along with the savings bond.
Imagine my surprise to hear that he and his daughter already took care of it.
Every family is special and unique.  Why should my SDI's Mother (yes, I was blamed for not being fair across the board and this would be the Aunt's Mother to my gks) or why should my DH's ex wife dictate what we put under the tree?  Santa's List is for Christmas Morning.  My kid's grew up that under GM & GP's tree was something meaningful.  It wasn't the cost that mattered.  Two years ago I bought (13) of them $60 [that I bought for 50% off] playsets.  There were ATVs, trucks, canoes, boats, motorcycles, they were so cool. Are these the crumbs? It was meaningful to me because it reflects the outdoor lifestyle that we have with our gks.  I felt like that was taken away from me by us just having something shipped in off of Amazon and I don't even know what they were. I felt slapped in the face because they did this because I am "Squeaky Cheap and Unfair and Selfish".
It's not about the arrangement or that I didn't control the purchasing.  It's about DH letting "Brat",(his endearing nickname for her) speak to me in this manner and of course do exactly what she tells him.  He has bought the whole misconception that things aren't fair because I have a bunch of toys over here that my bio GD plays with while I care for her.  Hello.  So do the other thirteen gks.  BTW my (13) SKids have numerous families because there are two blended families within our blended family.  Our whole fight is about being fair.  WTH?  My kids would never in a million years say anything rude towards the $$ that we've spent over the years.  Why would anyone compare?  Do the bio kids get near as many presents as our GS that has seven sets of GPs?  Ouch.
I feel misunderstood.  Just call me Eeyore. A 2YO, a 32YO and a 36YO and their greed have come between us. I tried hard to make everyone happy and now I lost my best friend.