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1 of 1- Kes
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"Dishonest Harmony"
I have only just come across this term and it appears to be being laid at the door of us Baby Boomers. It is apparently a "toxic parenting style that prioritises superficial peace over genuine resolution, prominent in the boomer generation". Well I take real umbrage to this.
My parents were born in 1914 and 1917, my mother bore me when she was 40. If you want toxic parenting styles, look no further than them - I don't know why they had three children tbh, they should have stuck to stuffed toys.
I did my utmost to be a different kind of mother to my two girls, born in 1982 and 1984, and feel that even allowing my understandable blind spots, (for which I have apologised to my daughters) I did a not too bad job. I am sick to the back teeth with being criticised by millenials and younger, for all our many sins. Humff!
Having had a good rant, I can see that many families do practice dishonest harmony - but it is not confined to one generation.
- WanderLustre1066
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Re: "Dishonest Harmony"
That's an interesting way to describe the practiced avoidance of "unpleasant" topics that my parents also practiced. They taught me to not trust what I saw, what I heard or what I felt. At 59 years old, I am still working to undo their programming, but I am happy to say I've never been a "let's ignore the dead elephant in the living room" type of person, so I was WILDLY unpopular with my family and conveniently the black sheep.
Formerly: BrightFuture, futurobrilliante, and la_dulce_vida
- Rags
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Re: "Dishonest Harmony"
I suppose I am fortunate that the pseudo-science justification of its own existence industry has little to zero sway over my life. A great and effective therapist is worth their weight in gold. However, they are rare, and few and far between. I have had a fantastic therapist in my life, and she is integral to the man I am today and the type of marriage I have today. I consider therapists as I do doctors, and lawyers. They work for me. I pay them to deliver to my expectations. When they do not, i fire them and find one that does. That said, together we are a team focused on a situation and finding a solution. A solution is not always a single action point. Often it is a life long commitment to a new perspective, behavior, life style, etc...
I'm of the mind that parental presence, participation, and firmly enforced boundaries work without therapy.
Focusing on behavior eliminates the drama associated with feelings and emotion. Emotion and feelings are not some holy grail thing. They are purely an electro-hormonal physiological process. They are not effective decisioning tools, have zero analytical value, and can inject massive conflict and drama when there is often little actual reason for those things.
That said, feelings and emotion are the spice in life. Understanding them for what they are, embracing them for what they provide, and not allowing them to drag us down a rathole of irrelevant drama or tolerating them to distract us from what is going on IRL is critical.
When done respectfully, addressing unacceptable choices and behaviors confronts the issue, corrects the situation, and restores harmony. It is direct, it is clear, it is timely, and it works. Tip toeing around, worrying about feelings, tolerating the intolerable is a failure formula that can suck in generations of people who could otherwise live enjoyable, productive, quality lives with close quality relationships. A facade is what it is.
IMHO of course.
The last pitch in the article to work the therapy is extremely telling IMHO. 
Last edited by Rags (12/15/2025 1:53 pm)
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- Merry
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Re: "Dishonest Harmony"
This kind of thing makes me nuts. The part about “prevalent with Boomer parenting” is just wrong. If there is data, cite it. Otherwise, there is no place for criticism.
My parents (born 1916 and 1917) were totally of the “if we don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist” mindset. I wasn’t a perfect parent either, but that was not my style. AT ALL.
- MorningMia
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Re: "Dishonest Harmony"
Oh, my husband is a pro at dishonest harmony with his kids--but I think it has been driven by fear and hopelessness more than anything else. He only has addressed issues when they got to the point that they couldn't be ignored. Otherwise, he just goes along like he's floating on a raft and, while he knows things are not ok and there are a lot of underlying issues (anger, disrespect, etc.), he acts like all is ok. But, since we live so far from the skids and they are no longer allowed in our home (he hasn't told them why), the dishonest harmony really doesn't affect me.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- MorningMia
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Re: "Dishonest Harmony"
WanderLustre1066 wrote:
That's an interesting way to describe the practiced avoidance of "unpleasant" topics that my parents also practiced. They taught me to not trust what I saw, what I heard or what I felt. At 59 years old, I am still working to undo their programming, but I am happy to say I've never been a "let's ignore the dead elephant in the living room" type of person, so I was WILDLY unpopular with my family and conveniently the black sheep.
I despise gaslighting. I have also always been the truth teller in my family--not a mean truth teller, but a truth teller--since I was a teenager. Therefore, oh yes, I was the black sheep and the scapegoat. But it kept me sane. I knew if I didn't state the truth as I saw it, I would lose something in my soul. I would lose myself. Interestingly enough, two sisters who did not do that--who went along with the gaslighting and dishonesty--are both severely dysfunctional and bat-crap crazy (in different ways).
Even today, if my 50-something brother stands up to one of our dysfunctional family members, they accuse him of his thoughts being influenced by me, as if I have implanted any of his opinions they don't like. I jokingly say (over these and other accusations), "I'M MAGIC!" and "I am all-powerful!" ha!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.