Thanks for sharing this, Meera! The diablas are awful.

I also like:2. View kindness as an expression of who you are.You are kind because it’s who you are, not because you want someone else’s approval.

Thanks - interesting article.  Reciprocity was mentioned - DH was convinced by his therapist that this is not always necessary in a relationship - well, I'm afraid I disagree.  The other person has to pull, if not equal weight to me - then as near as dammit - or I am not interested in maintaining an active relationship with them any more. 

Thanks for sharing the article.  

As self-delusional as this may appear, I consider myself a kind person.  That said, withdrawing kindness does not mean invoking mean.  Being reasonable and consistent is a neutral space IMHO.

The transactional reference in the article also stood out to me.  IMHO action and consequence is not transitional, it is basic math.  Doing A results in X.  Direct, clear, and related.  It is an extended mathmatical word problem.  Here are the givens.  AKA the boundaries, standards of behavior, and standards of performance.  Do the calculations, and take action. If the actions you take are compliant to the givens, the results are appropriate.  If the calculations, choices, and actions are not compliant with the givens of boundaries, behavioral standards, and performance standards, then the results are unpleasant. Repeated similar choices  

If a person behaves unreasonably, the application of a resulting consequence is not cruel.  I consider it an ultimate kindness.  Tying the consequence to the chosen behavior provides a lesson and makes the boundaries clear which is kind.  Being consistent in this is far more kind than being inconsistent.  Applying the message firmly without rancor, etc... gets far more attention than screaming, yelling, ranting, and badgering.

We had an interesting juxtaposition in our blended home while raising our son (my SS).  He much preferred my direct consistent approach to his mom's "kind" though inconsistent approach.  My parenting and disciplinary style is cause and effect related.   I parent and when appropriate I apply consequences.   As SS progressed into his teens, I phased to shifting back a bit on parenting and discipline to avoid jeopardizing the relationship that SS and I had and becoming the "evil stepdad".  BTW, I heavily considered the experiences expressed in this community in that process. 

This evolved through another evolutionary family dynamic where I took the "If you do not like how I parent and discipline, then you can step up and get it done before I have to." philosophy.

When I started shifting to a support role to my DW rather than being all in insta-parent-disciplinarian our kid took significant notice.  It was not long before he approached me with (I paraphrase)  'Dad, can you please get back to being the one who parents and disciplines me?  You do not get mad at me. You talk to me, punish me, then let me figure it out going forward, until the next time.  Mom tortures me with endless lectures, about how upset she is and hurt she is, cries, yells, and then recycles all of that endlessly long after I screwed up.'

That is the basis for my position that firm, boundary and standards-based consistency in dealing with the choices, behaviors, and consequences is kind and volatility, inconsistency, and back and forth guilt ridden crap, like Disney parenting for example, is a foundational cruelty.

Set the rules, enforce the rules, bring the pain of consequence.  Good choices deliver pleasant results. Poor choices deliver escalating abject misery.  Keep it stupid simple. That is kind.

IMHO of course.
 

Meera wrote:

... I am still kind to the diablas in that I don't change who I am when they around and I don't seek revenge. I simply have removed my attention and disengaged from their drama. Then there are whispers that I "don't like them" as if that's a fault? Of course I don't like them, they're awful. 

Yep, this.  Absolutely this.  You are kind.  That perspective in the face of consistently noxious nastiness is the ultimate kindness.  Don't tolerate their stuff, be consistent in the setting and defending boundaries, standards, and requirements of reasonable behavior.  Kids tend to thrive in this model.  The diablas are likely the result of the absence of this kindness.

^^^