Step Chat - a safe place where stepparents can vent » Personal Growth

WanderLustre1066 · 12/09/2025 4:21 pm

Life is such a journey. I feel like I've been working so hard my entire adult life to overcome the dysfunction of my childhood. I can't even calculate how many years I've spent in therapy trying to move from anxious attachment to secure. I thought I was making progress. I thought I was pretty damn close to secure until the weekend.

I've been having a BLAST with Cutie Pie - my first friends with benefits relationship. It was founded on a solid friendship of nearly 2 years, great communication, a lot of chemistry and attraction and trust. And it's been a success. Loads of fun and highly gratifying for both of us.

My birthday weekend met and exceeded expectations, but heading into the holidays, CP seemed to pull back a bit. We talked about it a week ago and he reassured me he still wanted to continue. We had plans to meet up Friday, 12/5 for an event and a sleepover at my house. Our plans fell through because he was exhausted from his first colonoscopy the day prior - anesthesia wiped him out. Cool, but the communication was lacking and it seemed like he was looking for excuses to cancel. We had a deal - be straight with me. Don't hem and haw or waffle - that sh@t is so triggering after my relationship with the avoidant widower.

The distance and low communication triggered me badly - my anxiety was ridiculous!! So I spiraled and rode the wave all weekend, attending therapy yesterday.

The issue? CP was not being proactive about setting up a time to meet, and after our plans fell through, he wasn't seeking a rain check.

Yesterday, I realized that my job was NOT to try to figure out what CP wanted or how he was feeling. My job was ME. It's MY job to regulate my nervous system and if the other person is not forthcoming with communication, then I need to look at what their actions are telling me. A maybe is a no. Not trying to get on my calendar = disinterest or low priority....or complacency.

That's fine. He's not a bad guy. He's got his own stuff to deal with, but my only complaint is him not being more communicative.

Back to my anxiety - the source was not knowing, by his actions, if he was going to try to connect with me this month. My calendar is already booked and, with his 50/50 custody schedule, opportunities for getting together are limited and require planning. Maybe he was resting on his laurels hoping I'd spearhead our next get together. Nope.

So, I did the thing I needed to do and I sent him a lovely message letting him know that I was ending our FWB arrangement. I thanked him, warmly. Told him I was so happy for the experience (I am). Said I'd like some space to transition back into "just friends" mode and would like to suspend regular communications. I suggested we meet for lunch in the new year - letting him know I was passing it off to him to setup our lunch (because he's usually the one to initiate that). I let him know that after my experiences with the avoidant widower, "wondering" was draining my energy and I needed all my energy to make the best of the holiday season.

*Note: before anyone says I don't understand how FWB works, we did not agree to a casual booty call arrangement. We are friends and outlined parameters for our experience; leaving things open ended was not part of the deal.

He was kind and supportive, and said he completely understood. He was a bit bewildered and said he would examine his behavior to try to figure out how he'd left me "wondering." He also said he looked forward to reconnecting after the holidays over lunch.

My anxiety levels plummeted INSTANTLY. Sure, maybe I need to learn how to sit with uncertainty, but I had a personal victory in that, instead of continuing to pursue the situation, I made regulating my nervous system the priority. I found the source of the anxiety and removed it. There might be hope for me yet. At least I didn't run after this situation and spend 4.5 years of my life on it.

Never stop growing. Never stop trying to be the best person you can possibly be. And never betray yourself to have access to another person.

Last edited by WanderLustre1066 (12/09/2025 4:22 pm)

MorningMia · 12/09/2025 7:57 pm

This is a huge personal victory! Congratulations! I love your phrase, "regulating my nervous system." That's exactly what it is!

Kes · 12/10/2025 12:52 am

Well done - as you say, your main job is YOU and not figuring out how another person is feeling. Like you, I had a very dysfunctional childhood and have spent the rest of my life trying, not always successfully, to deal with the echoes of that. Things make us anxious - in my case - and it appears in yours - not knowing what's going on for our significant other or them seeming to pull away from us. I have a meme that I like that says " I will never stay in a room, a relationship, or a conversation that requires me to abandon myself."

advice.only2 · 12/10/2025 8:01 am

Way to go Wander, I am married to a DA and it's hell and it makes you question everything about yourself.

WanderLustre1066 · 12/10/2025 4:26 pm

MorningMia wrote:
This is a huge personal victory! Congratulations! I love your phrase, "regulating my nervous system." That's exactly what it is!

Thank you! I guess my "therapy speak" is telling. LOL

I feel so much better. And I don't mind that Cutie Pie will have a month to ponder about my sudden exit.

WanderLustre1066 · 12/10/2025 4:30 pm

Kes wrote:
Well done - as you say, your main job is YOU and not figuring out how another person is feeling. Like you, I had a very dysfunctional childhood and have spent the rest of my life trying, not always successfully, to deal with the echoes of that. Things make us anxious - in my case - and it appears in yours - not knowing what's going on for our significant other or them seeming to pull away from us. I have a meme that I like that says " I will never stay in a room, a relationship, or a conversation that requires me to abandon myself."

I love that quote!! In the same vein, I don't stay where I feel I'm not wanted.

I've also noticed that when CP seemed wishy washy about spending the night at my house on the 5th I suggested it could be low key since it was so close after his colonoscopy. I tried to make staying at my house more "appealing."

I thought to myself, "Don't do that. Don't lean in when someone seems wishy washy." I caught myself and decided that when someone pulls back and creates distance, it's not my job to fill that space. If they are not stepping in to meet me in the middle, I will just let the distance exist. I will not over function.

Last edited by WanderLustre1066 (12/10/2025 4:31 pm)

WanderLustre1066 · 12/10/2025 4:33 pm

advice.only2 wrote:
Way to go Wander, I am married to a DA and it's hell and it makes you question everything about yourself.

Damn. That's brutal. Is it as chaotic as a fearful avoidant? The FAs aren't as mean or distant as an DA, but they sure are confusing. Hot/cold. Push/pull. Dreamy romantic, then pushing away, then panicking when you pull away to protect yourself. So much whiplash.

I hope the FAs new love interest enjoys the rollercoaster that is the holiday season and the big post-holiday boomerang.

Last edited by WanderLustre1066 (12/10/2025 4:33 pm)

Rags · 12/11/2025 12:48 am

Not that it is an excuse, but the colonoscopy drugs can wipe you out. Lucky me, I pre-screen on Friday for my next colonoscopy on the 16th. What my dad fondly refers as getting borescoped.

You are doing exactly the right thing for yourself IMHO. Keep taking care of you.

MorningMia · 12/11/2025 7:01 am

Kes wrote:
Well done - as you say, your main job is YOU and not figuring out how another person is feeling. Like you, I had a very dysfunctional childhood and have spent the rest of my life trying, not always successfully, to deal with the echoes of that. Things make us anxious - in my case - and it appears in yours - not knowing what's going on for our significant other or them seeming to pull away from us. I have a meme that I like that says " I will never stay in a room, a relationship, or a conversation that requires me to abandon myself."

I love this quote. There is so much wisdom here on ST.

Yesterdays · 12/11/2025 8:27 am

My ex husband was very DA and at "the end" he just ran and pulled away. He was always off doing something to avoid being around me and it felt awful.

Which is why, I think I felt so strange when I first started dating when men were so slow to respond. It's nice to have men who take the time and effort to communicate and respond.

Im no expert on Fwb but it seems like perhaps leaning more into a traditional relationship if there are expectations about responses and communicating, etc, because in my mind we equate these with our more emotional sides.. Feeling nurtured and cared for in an emotional way,

Which is probably what you expected people to respond. However it seemed to have been working for you, with the parameters that you had. Expectations sometimes indicate that we are feeling attached.

So perhaps you wanted to not get emotionally attached and by pre emptively coming up with these guidelines it might act as a shelter against being emotionally vulnerable or getting hurt? But then what happens if the person "breaks the rule". We end up getting hurt.

When I have all these expectations is really when I feel most vulnerable.. Like I feel I need to treated a certain way in order to feel valued and respected. I guess the tricky part is some people are super slow and lazy and lackadaisical and sometimes it is hard to know if that is simply their personality type or if they are simply uncaring.

I have a cousin, for example, that always tries to meet up and 90 percent of the time they just aren't able to.. Because their personality is that they commonly flake on people. Being in a relationship with someone who acts like that would drive me bonkers.

My husband is considerate in that way, has always been the type to communicate if he's going to be late (ex husband never did) and he always sends a good morning text, and those are the things that make me feel loved....

WanderLustre1066 · 12/11/2025 9:02 am

Yesterdays wrote:
Im no expert on Fwb but it seems like perhaps leaning more into a traditional relationship if there are expectations about responses and communicating, etc, because in my mind we equate these with our more emotional sides.. Feeling nurtured and cared for in an emotional way,

Which is probably what you expected people to respond. However it seemed to have been working for you, with the parameters that you had. Expectations sometimes indicate that we are feeling attached.

So perhaps you wanted to not get emotionally attached and by pre emptively coming up with these guidelines it might act as a shelter against being emotionally vulnerable or getting hurt? But then what happens if the person "breaks the rule". We end up getting hurt.

We are friends first and there is a level of care, communication and consideration we were accustomed to before we embarked on this experiment. The guidelines we had were based on some research, but my expectations were reasonable IMO for friends. We were already in touch on a regular basis. We would share memes and talk about tech stuff, so he wasn't shutting down or ghosting me. The friendship was still active, but he wasn't being proactive about setting up a time to meet for the "benefits."

There are a lot of REALLY good reasons for that. I had noticed a shift a week after my big birthday weekend where we had so much fun together, and we talked about it. He reassured me he wanted to continue our arrangement, but he wasn't being proactive about getting something planned.

If he had told me that he was overwhelmed with the holidays and asked to press pause, I would have welcomed the info and been on board. It was the UNUSUAL departure from our typical candor that had my alarm bells ringing, and knowing him, I am sure he HOPED we'd get together, but probably saw that it would be difficult, so he didn't take action.

For my own protection, I have to take that as disinterest, complacency or unavailability. For him to drag his feet on planning something took me right back to my relationship with the widower who would RARELY level with me. My nervous system was activated, so I had to regulate myself, and removing the question of "will we be making time to meet up for sex" almost instantly regulated my nervous system. I was free to not wonder, and put my attention on other things.

I don't have romantic expectations. I didn't catch romantic feelings for him. I was strictly interested in meeting for the benefits. I'm a person with a high libido, so twiddling my thumbs for 2+ weeks wondering when it might happen is not cool. We're either doing this or we're not. He might be okay waiting 2-4 weeks. I am not. I put him on my schedule for 12/5. It didn't work out, so it was up to him to make sure there was a rain date. I'm not comfortable "chasing him" for sex. So, I took my libido, told it to hush and put the "bear" back in hibernation. I can do that and it helps me to concentrate on other things.

In our case, this wasn't a booty call arrangement = quickies on call. It was a great friendship with a side of sex that required some planning due to our living arrangements and his custody schedule.

I'm not mad. I'm not hurt. Our friendship is still intact. I just need to refocus my energy the next few weeks and we can get back to our regular friendship in January.

Last edited by WanderLustre1066 (12/11/2025 9:10 am)

Kes · 12/11/2025 9:55 am

Sorry - could someone tell an ignorant English person what is a DA?

Yesterdays · 12/11/2025 10:13 am

DA is Dismissive Avoidment attachment style (discomfort with intimacy, and showing emotional distance etc

Kes · 12/11/2025 10:50 am

Thank you Yesterdays!

Last edited by Kes (12/11/2025 10:50 am)

advice.only2 · 12/11/2025 2:44 pm

WanderLustre1066 wrote:
advice.only2 wrote:
Way to go Wander, I am married to a DA and it's hell and it makes you question everything about yourself.

Damn. That's brutal. Is it as chaotic as a fearful avoidant? The FAs aren't as mean or distant as an DA, but they sure are confusing. Hot/cold. Push/pull. Dreamy romantic, then pushing away, then panicking when you pull away to protect yourself. So much whiplash.

I hope the FAs new love interest enjoys the rollercoaster that is the holiday season and the big post-holiday boomerang.

Hey Wanderer, I'm not sure which he is, just zero interest in me, only cares about work and his own hobbies. Never initiated sex or any type of intimacy and basically expects me to do everything. Conversations and arguments go no where as he needs "time to process" yet never has any insights or answers to my questions even if I give him the "time" he needs. I do all the emotional and physical work at home while his whole idea of marriage is he works. Yeah it sucks. I have spent this year redefining myself and decentering him. We are basically roommates at this point and while I can tell it bothers him on some level he has never spoken to me about any of it.

Aniki-Moderator · 12/11/2025 2:55 pm

Wander, I'm so happy to see you taking charge of your life and your happiness. You rock!!!

Rags · 12/11/2025 10:47 pm

Yesterdays wrote:
DA is Dismissive Avoidment attachment style (discomfort with intimacy, and showing emotional distance etc

Thank you for that clarification. I was thinking that District Attorney was not making much sense in my brain.

WanderLustre1066 · 12/12/2025 9:34 am

Aniki-Moderator wrote:
Wander, I'm so happy to see you taking charge of your life and your happiness. You rock!!!

Thank you, Aniki. <3

It feels pretty good to be able to use what I paid so dearly to learn. And I passed!! It's been very healing to trust that I have my own back and will not torture myself by wasting my time and energy on a lopsided situation. The friendship is very well balanced and mutual, so I'll stick with that.

WanderLustre1066 · 12/12/2025 9:40 am

Rags wrote:
Not that it is an excuse, but the colonoscopy drugs can wipe you out. Lucky me, I pre-screen on Friday for my next colonoscopy on the 16th. What my dad fondly refers as getting borescoped.

You are doing exactly the right thing for yourself IMHO. Keep taking care of you.

I've had 3 colonoscopies and I don't recall have a lingering effect from the anesthesia. I've had a lot of procedures that required varying levels of anesthesia, but the only fallout I've experienced is from DEEP anesthesia. The after effects included nausea, brain fog and some temporary hair loss.

I probably wouldn't sign up for a rigorous bike ride for a few days after a colonoscopy, but I don't recall feeling especially worn out or needing an excessive amount of sleep.

But, everyone is different.

Last edited by WanderLustre1066 (12/12/2025 9:41 am)

Aniki-Moderator · 12/12/2025 4:50 pm

WanderLustre1066 wrote:
Rags wrote:
Not that it is an excuse, but the colonoscopy drugs can wipe you out. Lucky me, I pre-screen on Friday for my next colonoscopy on the 16th. What my dad fondly refers as getting borescoped.

You are doing exactly the right thing for yourself IMHO. Keep taking care of you.

I've had 3 colonoscopies and I don't recall have a lingering effect from the anesthesia. I've had a lot of procedures that required varying levels of anesthesia, but the only fallout I've experienced is from DEEP anesthesia. The after effects included nausea, brain fog and some temporary hair loss.

I probably wouldn't sign up for a rigorous bike ride for a few days after a colonoscopy, but I don't recall feeling especially worn out or needing an excessive amount of sleep.

But, everyone is different.

I could have driven home after my colonoscopy, but Mr Aniki was horribly out of sorts for several hours after his. It was a little scary.

WanderLustre1066 · 12/12/2025 6:19 pm

Aniki-Moderator wrote:
WanderLustre1066 wrote:
Rags wrote:
Not that it is an excuse, but the colonoscopy drugs can wipe you out. Lucky me, I pre-screen on Friday for my next colonoscopy on the 16th. What my dad fondly refers as getting borescoped.

You are doing exactly the right thing for yourself IMHO. Keep taking care of you.

I've had 3 colonoscopies and I don't recall have a lingering effect from the anesthesia. I've had a lot of procedures that required varying levels of anesthesia, but the only fallout I've experienced is from DEEP anesthesia. The after effects included nausea, brain fog and some temporary hair loss.

I probably wouldn't sign up for a rigorous bike ride for a few days after a colonoscopy, but I don't recall feeling especially worn out or needing an excessive amount of sleep.

But, everyone is different.

I could have driven home after my colonoscopy, but Mr Aniki was horribly out of sorts for several hours after his. It was a little scary.

That's interesting. I've noticed that CP doesn't bounce back easily from different things. LOL I guess turning 50 has been rough for him.

I'm really happy with the decision I made. It's given me such peace.

Rags · 12/12/2025 11:00 pm

WanderLustre1066 wrote:
Rags wrote:
Not that it is an excuse, but the colonoscopy drugs can wipe you out. Lucky me, I pre-screen on Friday for my next colonoscopy on the 16th. What my dad fondly refers as getting borescoped.

You are doing exactly the right thing for yourself IMHO. Keep taking care of you.

I've had 3 colonoscopies and I don't recall have a lingering effect from the anesthesia. I've had a lot of procedures that required varying levels of anesthesia, but the only fallout I've experienced is from DEEP anesthesia. The after effects included nausea, brain fog and some temporary hair loss.

I probably wouldn't sign up for a rigorous bike ride for a few days after a colonoscopy, but I don't recall feeling especially worn out or needing an excessive amount of sleep.

But, everyone is different.

This will be my 5th colon rotor-router procedure. I have had 4 other surgeries those all under deep anesthesia. For some reason the twilight sleep of a colonoscopy impacts me the most. I think it is the amnesiant element of the cocktail commonly applied for colonoscopy patients. I think my response to the amnesiant in the cocktail is that it takes some time for my memory to latch as the meds wear off.

Absolutely everyone is different and can respond differently to anesthesia. It is no mistake that it is referred to as "the art of medicine". My mom is a hard wake up after a procedure.

For the 4 non colonoscopy procedures done under anesthesia (an Appendectomy, 3 ankle procedures - 1 setting a compound fracture, 2. Installing a titanium plate and crews. 3. Removing a long screw securing the plate, the tibia and fibular together for a torn tendon to heal) I had no issues with coming out of anesthesia. My dad is a quick wake up for general anesthesia and the colonoscopy cocktail.

My screening today included a consult with an PA Anesthetist. They were confused as to why I was flagged as high risk. I don't know, but I'm glad I had the consult. I shared that it takes some time for my memory to engage following the colon cocktail. My first one was about 26yrs ago. The most recent was 5yrs ago. The recovery has not been consistent. Probably due to different cocktail elements and decades of aging.

Last edited by Rags (12/12/2025 11:07 pm)