Reading this it is sad.. you don't have a SS issue.. you have a DH issue.  You are partnered to a bully who has been fine with you living in a high state of anxiety.. not cool.. not at all.

However, if you don't want to end your relationship.. the only other option you have is to disengage.. and no.. that doesn't necessarily mean "ignoring" your SS.. because obv.. your DH expects you to be sunny sweet.. in spite of the way the kid treats you.. so your option is to outwardly  "fake it till you make it".. but inwardly.. DGAF... just don't care about the kid.. if he says or does something that you find disrespectful.. your mental response needs to be "oh well.. why do I care what someone who is a horrible person says or does?  They are a horrible person.. bad behavior is to be expected".  Of course... you can quietly figure out ways to be less present.. to take walks.. to need to go see your parents.. your friends.. your sister.. when the kid comes for visits.. You can do what you feel is necessary to protect yourself or possessions (if the kid is destructive .. for example.. you can put away things that have value to you personally).  You can keep things all surface.. don't delve into topics you know he will be inflammatory on.. like politics.. etc.. just superficial.. outwardly kind.. inwardly rolling eyes... 

yes.. pretend.. and when/if he is unkind to you?  again.. he is not your monkey.. don't let a monkey's words hurt you.. because he is a monkey... and he is your husband's circus.  encourage THEM to spend as much time with each other as you busy yourself vacuuming.. preparing dinner.. away from their toxic dynamic.

And when he is gone.. just revel in your peace.. don't borrow trouble by going through "what if he does/says" scenarios in your head.. he may "ruin" some amount of time by being in your presence.. get yourself to a space where as your sister said.. he is not living rent free in your head..  stop caring about someone who wouldn't cross the street to help you.

And... again.. your husband is your biggest problem.. he allowed this dynamic and treatment to go on.. and bullies you.. if you can't or won't leave him.. which is probably what you need to do.. then you have to figure out how to live with the dysfunction.. not allowing it to color your whole existence.

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

Hi all, I've had relative peace these past few months except when SS visits from college on occasion. The distance and peace has allowed me to reflect. I'm realizing how stressed and anxious I've been for the last 5 years or so of my life. And because I spent much of those years blaming myself and penting up my frustration, I'm full of resentment. I was talking to my sister recently and revealed to her some of the craziness and unfairness that I've had to live with with SS, BM, and DH. Her reaction was to tell me that SS is taking way too much head space. She thinks it verges on the obsessive. The last thing I want is to be thinking about SS and giving him my energy, but even while he's away, I'm still anxious about him, about what will happen on his visits, about how DH will manage (or more like mismanage) situations that will lead me to be more stressed, etc. 

Primarily, I'm having flashbacks about all of the times DH let SS treat me horribly while at the same time, DH would eviscerate me for the most minor infractions. Once dh was livid and treated me with hostility in front of SS when he thought I didn't say 'hi' nice enough to SS. I didn't expect SS to be over, so when I walked into the house, I was taken aback and did say 'hi' very lamely. Yet, DH would let SS bully me aggressively, and furthermore would tell me that if I was nicer, maybe SS would be nicer to me. He did address SS's behaviors with SS out of my sight, but DH is a disney dad in many ways. These things are still so bothersome to me, and it made my sister concerned because here I am an old lady ruminating over a punk 19 yo.

I genuinely want to be free of the toxicity, but like someone said in another post, it's kind of like going on a diet. You can't just stop eating. You can't just cut off relations with your dh's child. So you keep getting entangled. In contrast, there is this lady at church who just doesn't like me. The other day, within the hour after service during coffee time, she came to interrupt a conversation I had with someone. She's done that before - she finds a reason to have to cut into the conversation with some urgent matter that has nothing to do with me. But in the end, it's not urgent at all. Anyway, she also managed to bang a closet door onto my back two or three times and didn't even say sorry. Now, I figure that someone like that just has issues, so I don't take it personally. I feel sorry for her and wonder what could be her baggage that would lead her to target me. At the same time, I have no reason to dislike her, and even while keeping my distance, I do not harbor any animosity or resentment. Thankfully, I have friends in the community that I really like, so I can just avoid her and focus on the people I do get along with. My point is that I don't think it's part of my character to feel hostile or vengeful against people who show me disrespect. I try to understand, and if nothing else, avoid them. The situation with SS is different. I can't avoid him, but also, DH makes me getting along with him a condition for him and me getting along, and that has been like a choke hold for me. I want to figure out a way to convince DH that he and I can have a solid relationship without me getting along with SS. But how is dh going to feel if I never want to see SS? If I leave the house every time he's over? If I show zero interest in him? Wouldn't that just be me acting like SS for most of his teen years? Mind you, DH is willfully blind to SS's passive aggressive behavior towards me. SS has been covert about his animosity, so I have no "proof" that would be convincing to DH.

Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. I'm really thinking about my sister's perspective. I think from her point of view, I'm approaching this in an unhealthy way. But in the past, I did try to find a bridge and to frame SS's behaviors in a way that would be more sympathetic and forgiving. But it's really hard to forgive someone as they're bashing you in the head (metaphorically speaking of course).

You are tolerant of all of these toxic people.  Why would you choose to tolerate their disrespectful abusive treatment of you?

Only you can live your best life.  IMHO, that has absolutely zero chance of happening with any of these toxic people in your life.  If you purge DH from your life, you kill two birds with one stone because his toxic character void failed family spawn goes with him.  Who, btw, appears to be much like his daddy.

As for the door banging church lady, IMHO if is long past time to take down that bully and do it hard.  Not physically of course.  But by assertively baring her arse in front of the entire congregation when she pulls her crap. "You will not ever again interrupt me when I am in conversation with someone and if you ever hit me with a door again, I will press charges."  Calm, stern, and with a voice that carries well enough for anyone and everyone to hear it.  While mentioning her by name of course.  Then turn your back to her and immediate re-engage in the conversation she interrupted.  Lather, rinse, repeat.


Professionally, I did not tolerate it for nearly as long as I did as a kid.  When someone would pull dominating behaviors I would assertively engage with them on the topic at hand.   Next time, and for some reason with these types there is nearly always a next time, I would take them aside and give them clarity that they ended it now.  These types rarely are capable of taking that type of message to heart on the first side bar conversation.  From that point it was document, document, document, and play the facts, when necessary, with Sr. leadership and/or HR present.  

That did cost me my job once.  I had engaged Sr. leadership and HR to address a dominatingrude Sr. leader with a Napoleon complex of monumental proportions.  I started confronting him in meetings when he would start his rants at his team.  I was matrixed to him so though I "worked" for him, he was not my direct boss.  My standing up to him shifted the dynamic on that team.  That was interesting.  Other team members started standing up to him.  Ultimately, he was removed from the role and reassigned to lead another team. One of the people on that team was a former boss of mine.  She called me when Napoleon showed up to announce his dominance over that team.  I shared my experiences and observations about Napoleon in response to her questions. 

Not long before he was transferred HR called me to participate in an investigation on Napoleon.  He had been grooming young women and promoting them into roles that they were very inexperienced to be in.  These young women were not infrequently seen leaving his hotel room in the AM doing the walk of shame while the team was on business trips.  Through all of that HR and my direct boss assured me I was not at risk and expressed appreciation for me being so professional and dedicated to the company and people. 

A couple of months later I was hit in a RIF.  I was probably not specifically targeted but I have always suspected that I was RIFd for knowing too much.  No regrets, I moved on to a series of professional adventures and opportunities.  He and his primary #2 were both terminated with prejudice 6mos after the major RIF that I was caught in.   My phone blew up when that happened.  Napoleon was escorted off site by the federal marshals. In addition to his manipulation of young professional women, while his wife was pregnant with twins, he had also formed a consulting firm in his wife's name and signed contracts between the company and that entity then used company employees to generate work product for his consulting company.  

My point it that only you can end all of your suffering at the hands of these people. They do not matter. You do.  IMHO this is not like a diet, this is like having a deadly allergy.  The only way to end the risk is to filter out the allergens and never expose yourself to the allergen again. 

All IMHO and experience of course.

Take care of you
 

Last edited by Aniki-Moderator (11/18/2025 3:44 pm)

ESMOD wrote:

Reading this it is sad.. you don't have a SS issue.. you have a DH issue.  You are partnered to a bully who has been fine with you living in a high state of anxiety.. not cool.. not at all.

However, if you don't want to end your relationship.. the only other option you have is to disengage.. and no.. that doesn't necessarily mean "ignoring" your SS.. because obv.. your DH expects you to be sunny sweet.. in spite of the way the kid treats you.. so your option is to outwardly  "fake it till you make it".. but inwardly.. DGAF... just don't care about the kid.. if he says or does something that you find disrespectful.. your mental response needs to be "oh well.. why do I care what someone who is a horrible person says or does?  They are a horrible person.. bad behavior is to be expected".  Of course... you can quietly figure out ways to be less present.. to take walks.. to need to go see your parents.. your friends.. your sister.. when the kid comes for visits.. You can do what you feel is necessary to protect yourself or possessions (if the kid is destructive .. for example.. you can put away things that have value to you personally).  You can keep things all surface.. don't delve into topics you know he will be inflammatory on.. like politics.. etc.. just superficial.. outwardly kind.. inwardly rolling eyes... 

yes.. pretend.. and when/if he is unkind to you?  again.. he is not your monkey.. don't let a monkey's words hurt you.. because he is a monkey... and he is your husband's circus.  encourage THEM to spend as much time with each other as you busy yourself vacuuming.. preparing dinner.. away from their toxic dynamic.

And when he is gone.. just revel in your peace.. don't borrow trouble by going through "what if he does/says" scenarios in your head.. he may "ruin" some amount of time by being in your presence.. get yourself to a space where as your sister said.. he is not living rent free in your head..  stop caring about someone who wouldn't cross the street to help you.

And... again.. your husband is your biggest problem.. he allowed this dynamic and treatment to go on.. and bullies you.. if you can't or won't leave him.. which is probably what you need to do.. then you have to figure out how to live with the dysfunction.. not allowing it to color your whole existence.

ESMOD, IMHO this is very good advice.  It is heartbreaking to know that Tjt is struggling with all of these people who are not worthy of her care and concern.
 

It's funny that you bring this up because I was just thinking about the topic of repetitive thinking about SK's. Why does it happen? How do we stop it? Should we try to stop it or just feel the feelings, leave it and see how it shifts inside of us?

I just saw an IG post by Mel Robbins. Her post says:

"According to a study from Ohio State University, when you vent and replay the drama over and over, you’re not releasing the anger - you’re reinforcing it.

Venting feels good in the moment…but it is actually wiring your brain to stay angry.

That’s why it feels like nothing ever changes.

You’re just reliving the same emotional loop.

So here’s your challenge:

The next time someone’s behavior starts to trigger you, don’t vent - pause.

Use The Let Them Theory as your tool:

Let Them act how they’re going to act.
Let Me remember why I’m here.

You’re not there to fix them. You’re there because you value connection, family, or peace - whatever your “why” is.

When you ground yourself in that, you take your power back instantly.

Chances are, you won’t - because you’ve given your nervous system time to settle down."

I think the last sentence severely underestimates my nervous system's ability to hang on to bad experiences. I may forgive but I NEVER forget. It could be 5 years later and my nervous system still remembers like it was 5 minutes ago, especially when I see no change, only morphing forms of the same toxic BS, manipulative behavior and actions.

I can't let something go that is STILL happening. I could let it go if DH and I split but not while we continue to be faced with the diablas toxic/negative behavior.

In regard to SDiablas, my SIL once told me "It doesn't matter. It's not important." I could feel that she was being kind and supportive. It is a relief to think of SD's antics as childish and unimportant ... in the grand scheme of things, that is true.

I do keep an active, full life. Having my own happy, busy life does reduce rumination about Sk's but it pops up again whenever they do something rude, manipulative, nasty and/or stupid. 

Even if I don't "vent" about it, I still think about it and feel angry. When I do vent about it it helps me to process it and understand it so that I don't get sucked into the drama. It gives me perspective and distance. I am curious how other's feel about venting, either internally or externally such as here on SC or with friends and family?

I feel for you because your DH has unrealistic expectations. I think a lot of men absorb messaging that 1. Kids must like your romantic partner and 2. A wife takes second place to the children. 3. A wife must just "take it" no matter how horrible the children act. Unfortunately this order doesn't actually work. It doesn't even work in 1st marriages, much less in 2nd marriages. Many a marriage falls apart because the family revolved primarily around the kids. The kids leave home, the parents divorce, the love in the marriage died long ago. 

As for me, for my own health and mental health I have had to disengage from SD's as much as possible. I developed an autoimmune disorder. Chronic stress is a associated with developing autoimmune disorders. My flair ups increase when SD's are close by pulling their stunts. You have to love yourself enough to take care of your own health.
 

Last edited by Meera (11/19/2025 2:00 am)

@Meera, thanks for your thoughts which was wise and understanding. Sorry it took so long to reply. It's been brutally busy at work.

I've read research about the venting and how it only increases anger rather than "releasing" it, and try not to get carried away with that. In fact, early on in our relationship, dh and I decided that we wouldn't vent just for the sake of venting. Yet here I am. I do think that morningmia is right that it's ptsd, which is different from plain ole anger, Once I read a psychologist say that "normal" anger seeks to modify change in the other, whereas ptsd anger doesn't have a goal. Something like that. But in any case, it doesn't feel very healthy. I think you hit it on the nail, at least in my experience, that it's not easy to feel settled while the stress is ongoing, and I still do feel that when SS comes around, he is not well-intended, and since DH has demonstrated that he's not necessarily going to protect me, I feel hypervigilant when he's around or even if I think he's coming around. I do like your suggestion about leaning into the reasons why I am in the situation. I think I can do try that, and I think that will help.

Like your SIL, my sister wants me to try to put things into perspective more. I think they aren't wrong, but sometimes it feels difficult to see how to get there. I think that the "venting" here is trying to process and understand. I didn't have a whole lot of tools to understand how to deal with someone who your are ostensibly the caretaker of, but who is hostile, a changeling that bites you. All the choices seem impossible.

Rags, thanks for your thoughts. I think you are very clear about your expectations and goals, and I wish I had that clarity when things get murky. To deter undesirable behavior, behaviorists say to exact a cost every time someone does said noxious behavior. But as you point out, that can take too much of one's time and effort. Yet if you don't do it, does the consequence become even more unbearable? I think Meera's SIL's reminder that it's "unimportant" in the long run is also important. I feel like my life in the past 5 years were spent devoting huge amount of time and energy addressing a series of unimportant nothings. The positive: I've learned a lot about myself.

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

@Meera, thanks for your thoughts which was wise and understanding. Sorry it took so long to reply. It's been brutally busy at work.

I've read research about the venting and how it only increases anger rather than "releasing" it, and try not to get carried away with that. In fact, early on in our relationship, dh and I decided that we wouldn't vent just for the sake of venting. Yet here I am. I do think that morningmia is right that it's ptsd, which is different from plain ole anger, Once I read a psychologist say that "normal" anger seeks to modify change in the other, whereas ptsd anger doesn't have a goal. Something like that. But in any case, it doesn't feel very healthy. I think you hit it on the nail, at least in my experience, that it's not easy to feel settled while the stress is ongoing, and I still do feel that when SS comes around, he is not well-intended, and since DH has demonstrated that he's not necessarily going to protect me, I feel hypervigilant when he's around or even if I think he's coming around. I do like your suggestion about leaning into the reasons why I am in the situation. I think I can do try that, and I think that will help.

Like your SIL, my sister wants me to try to put things into perspective more. I think they aren't wrong, but sometimes it feels difficult to see how to get there. I think that the "venting" here is trying to process and understand. I didn't have a whole lot of tools to understand how to deal with someone who your are ostensibly the caretaker of, but who is hostile, a changeling that bites you. All the choices seem impossible.

Rags, thanks for your thoughts. I think you are very clear about your expectations and goals, and I wish I had that clarity when things get murky. To deter undesirable behavior, behaviorists say to exact a cost every time someone does said noxious behavior. But as you point out, that can take too much of one's time and effort. Yet if you don't do it, does the consequence become even more unbearable? I think Meera's SIL's reminder that it's "unimportant" in the long run is also important. I feel like my life in the past 5 years were spent devoting huge amount of time and energy addressing a series of unimportant nothings. The positive: I've learned a lot about myself.

Thanks, I'm glad my advice was useful. I've spent far more time than I'd like to admit trying to make sense of this step-situation. I feel like I have a well-rounded view as both a BM (my ExH is crazy) and a SM (DH's ex is cray cray too) so I've had a lot of time and reasons to think about how to approach step-life from all angles. Early on I read "Stepmonster" and all the other Step resources I could get my hands on, as well as this group helped me to feel that I know how to handle the step situation and I don't have to feel bad or guilty about it. In fact, I'm doing everyone a favor to mind my own business and take care of myself.
 

Last edited by Meera (11/30/2025 11:23 pm)

It's interesting to hear your perspective on venting. I can relate to everything you wrote including not getting sucked into your DH's side family problems. Early on I was interested in understanding the dynamics in DH's family but over time I realized they are frozen in time, rehashing the same problems over and over, nursing the same hurts without any improvement. If anything, as a family they seem to be moving further and further apart. Maybe that's actually for the best but either way it's all problems that I didn't create and it's not my job to fix. I am a fixer with things that relate directly to me and my kids but I tend to stay out of other people's issues. I am a good listener. I think people sense that because they will dump the entire story on me wither I want to hear it or not.