I am probably the outlier here with my approach but when my own daughters (now aged 41 and 43) were 13/14 I allowed them quite a lot of freedom to run their own lives, whilst keeping an eye on proceedings. Maybe letting SD13 feel like a bit more of a grown up might help.  My 15 yr old grandson has been complaining for years that my daughter micro-manages him and treats him like a toddler.  Maybe that is how SD13 feels. 

SD13 already gets plenty of freedom. 
 .... since DW and I try not to dwell so much on her.
DW....only steps in when the behavior crosses a line.

Why do I feel like SD is silently screaming for attention? It sounds like you're both letting her run free thinking that's what you should do when 13 year olds need guidance and structure.

@Aniki, I get where you’re coming from, thanks for the perspective Aniki. When DW does try to give SD13 structure, it goes in one ear and out the other. DW sits her down almost every week for a quick talk, but SD just shuts down. She’s very quiet and reserved if you leave her alone, but the moment you try to say or do anything, she’s instantly on fire. DW even dragged her to counselling once through Student Services, and that went horribly. She’s offered therapy, other professionals, different options, all SD says is, “No, they can’t fix me.” At this point DW is exhausted from the constant battles whenever she approaches her, but if she doesn’t approach her, SD is basically off a leash. DW’s friends and even her OBGYN suggested trying to include SD13 more often, but that just makes her angrier. So it’s not really about giving her more or less freedom, it’s that nothing seems to land no matter which approach we try.

Last edited by BlendedMess (12/01/2025 11:57 pm)

I'm not sure how long you've known SD, nor whether you got along with her prior to her teen phase, but I just wanted to chime in to say that it's a lot more difficult to weather the bad times if you didn't already have a bond and history with the child. It sounds like you want advice for your wife, but make sure you have compassion for yourself too.

So, why do you and DW tolerate it?  That is the question IMHO.

It certainly appers that it is long past time to stop talking and start enforcing as far as SD is concerned.

13yos don't get to want. They get told and they comply or they suffer. When she leaves, call the police on her. Get her in the system.  When she gets lippy, strip her room down to the bare walls and floor, take the door, toss her a cheap sleeping bag, take all of her preferred clothing, shoes, belongings, and hand her gray sweats and basic skivvies.  Bring public humiliation and the ridicule of her peers into the mix when there is no fashion, no makeup, no phone, no technology, etc.... Introduce her to her new life until she extricates her head from her butt and learns that poor behavioral choices return a life of escalating abject misery.

The hell that would have rained down on my head had I pulled this stuff with my parents makes me shudder nearly 50 years after I was your SD's age. The same with my bride had she pulled this stuff with her parents, and the same with my SS had he pulled this stuff on me and his mom.

SS is an only in our marriage.  He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock by three different baby mamas in BioDad's side SS's gene pool.  He is the only one of the 4 who is a thriving, successful, performing adult.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.   The SpermIdiot is a gangbanger wannabe.  Standards and boundaries are the difference between my son (He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.) and his three younger SpermIdiot spawned  half sibs.   My SS was 15mos old when his mom and I met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.

Your SD was 8yo when you entered the mix.  That is a huge amount of history to overcome if there is not clear alignment between you and your DW with firmly enforced behavioral and performance standards for all kids in the mix regardless of kid parental biology.

SD makes poor choices. That is clear.  I would not give a flying rat's fecal matter about why she does it, or that she is struggling, or, or, or, or, or...  I would make it clear that she pulls this stuff and she suffers. Instantly and escalatingly until she learns to behave reasonably or she is a sniveling pile of teen ectoplasm twitching in a corner who twitches each and every time she so much as thinks about pulling this kind of stuff.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If her BioDaddy has an issue with it, she can go live with him.  Though I would keep her so confronted by LEOs and the courts to optimize the likelihood of her being adjudicated into an appropriate residential program would be as much of a foregone conclusion as I could arrange.

Taking a phone for a short time, lectures, etc.... are a waste. Eliminate any semblance of pleasant existence in her life and bring the misery.

Don't make it hard on yourself, your marriage, and anyone else in the home. Make it hard on the kid who is choosing to make it hard on themselves.  Keep it direct, and stupid simple.  They comply with boundaries, standards of reasonable behavior, and standards of performance, or they suffer. Their choice.  There is a reason why kids have parents and are under the control of authority figures until they reach the age of majority.  At that point they can choose to behave reasonably or remain under the control of authority figures without having a choice and while building a criminal/arrest record that may follow them for life.  

Fix this kid now, or she very well may be destined for a life of incarceration.  There are only 5 more years to make it happen.  Besides, tolerating her forces your LOs to constantly be exposed to SD-13's crap and the ineffective parenting that is going on with SD-13.

IMHO of course.
 

Last edited by Rags (12/08/2025 4:46 pm)

Rags wrote:

So, why do you and DW tolerate it?  That is the question IMHO.

It certainly appers that it is long past time to stop talking and start enforcing as far as SD is concerned.

13yos don't get to want. They get told and they comply or they suffer. When she leaves, call the police on her. Get her in the system.  When she gets lippy, strip her room down to the bare walls and floor, take the door, toss her a cheap sleeping bag, take all of her preferred clothing, shoes, belongings, and hand her gray sweats and basic skivvies.  Bring public humiliation and the ridicule of her peers into the mix when there is no fashion, no makeup, no phone, no technology, etc.... Introduce her to her new life until she extricates her head from her butt and learns that poor behavioral choices return a life of escalating abject misery.

The hell that would have rained down on my head had I pulled this stuff with my parents makes me shudder nearly 50 years after I was your SD's age. The same with my bride had she pulled this stuff with her parents, and the same with my SS had he pulled this stuff on me and his mom.

SS is an only in our marriage.  He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock by three different baby mamas in BioDad's side SS's gene pool.  He is the only one of the 4 who is a thriving, successful, performing adult.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.   The SpermIdiot is a gangbanger wannabe.  Standards and boundaries are the difference between my son (He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.) and his three younger SpermIdiot spawned  half sibs.   My SS was 15mos old when his mom and I met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.

Your SD was 8yo when you entered the mix.  That is a huge amount of history to overcome if there is not clear alignment between you and your DW with firmly enforced behavioral and performance standards for all kids in the mix regardless of kid parental biology.

SD makes poor choices. That is clear.  I would not give a flying rat's fecal matter about why she does it, or that she is struggling, or, or, or, or, or...  I would make it clear that she pulls this stuff and she suffers. Instantly and escalatingly until she learns to behave reasonably or she is a sniveling pile of teen ectoplasm twitching in a corner who twitches each and every time she so much as thinks about pulling this kind of stuff.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If her BioDaddy has an issue with it, she can go live with him.  Though I would keep her so confronted by LEOs and the courts to optimize the likelihood of her being adjudicated into an appropriate residential program would be as much of a foregone conclusion as I could arrange.

Taking a phone for a short time, lectures, etc.... are a waste. Eliminate any semblance of pleasant existence in her life and bring the misery.

Don't make it hard on yourself, your marriage, and anyone else in the home. Make it hard on the kid who is choosing to make it hard on themselves.  Keep it direct, and stupid simple.  They comply with boundaries, standards of reasonable behavior, and standards of performance, or they suffer. Their choice.  There is a reason why kids have parents and are under the control of authority figures until they reach the age of majority.  At that point they can choose to behave reasonably or remain under the control of authority figures without having a choice and while building a criminal/arrest record that may follow them for life.  

Fix this kid now, or she very well may be destined for a life of incarceration.  There are only 5 more years to make it happen.  Besides, tolerating her forces your LOs to constantly be exposed to SD-13's crap and the ineffective parenting that is going on with SD-13.

IMHO of course.
 

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I agree with you that SD13 needs structure and boundaries and that kids do need to face consequences for poor choices. She will not naturally respect rules without limits and failing to enforce discipline consistently can lead to worse outcomes later in life. I also understand your point that kids sometimes need to learn the hard way and that consequences must be clear and unavoidable. I do not disagree with that in principle.That said, some of the approaches are not safe or realistic in our situation. DW has a past CPS history that still affects how any situation is interpreted. Even though the files were cleared long before I came into the picture, anything that could be seen as harsh or neglectful could trigger a report. With two toddlers and a baby on the way, DW cannot risk something being misread. That is why escalating punishment to the extreme such as stripping her room to bare walls, involving police repeatedly, or publicly humiliating her is not something we can safely do. The first time SD13 ran away, she was gone until two in the morning. Police were called, and instead of focusing on SD13, they directed most of their frustration at DW. That experience alone shows how quickly things can escalate in a way that is out of our control.DW already confiscates everything for prolonged periods of time, she only gets her device back when she returns to her BD's house. SD13 is already making herself suffer. She refuses her room and refuses her bed that has been newly moved to the basement as her old room has been stripped for the nursery already. She personally chooses to sleep on a blanket on the basement floorboards. DW chooses her battles, and if SD does it out of stubborness or drama, DW and I do not give an ef. DW thinks adding more consequences on top of her own self-imposed suffering does not make her behave better. DW's goal is to enforce structure and discipline but also to keep her safe and prevent her emotional state from tipping into something irreversible, as she carries that worry atop everything else. I try to support her.DW has dragged SD to CBT before - did not go well. Every teen is different and SD13 is not the same as others, DW implies. That is why the methods have to consider DW’s past, the risk to the younger children, and the fact that piling suffering on top of suffering can be dangerous. We are trying to navigate the balance between firm consequences and keeping her safe. The LO's are kept away from her as much as possible throughout it all, of course.

SD is at BD’s this week, and honestly the break is needed. We are just trying to keep the peace while keeping everyone safe and functioning.