Meera wrote:

This may not be a popular opinion but IMO there are no winners in the family court system. Neither party, not the "alienated"  nor the "alienating" win. The family court system is a for profit business. Many people lose their homes to pay for it. The only ones who benefit are lawyers and other court professionals. Children come dead last. 

Families that come away from the FC system untarnished either were very civil and amicable to begin with (such as those who succesfully complete mediation) or they were extra lucky to have a wise judge or they have no money to begin with so there is no money to be made. A good outcome is the exception, not typical

Popular or not, you speak the truth.  We did not lose, but neither did we ever leave court without a level of nausea and feeling like we needed to take a scalding hot high pressure shower to blast the skeeve off of our skin.  The opposition, their bottom feeder lawyer, the Judge, and even our first attorney who was a placating "Can't everyone just get along?" group hug type more interested in preserving their reputation in the community, relationships with other attorneys, and Judges than doing what we paid them to do.  It got a whole lot better when we replaced that attorney with a pitbull from out of state who was focused entirely on delivering the outcomes we paid for them to deliver and who had zero care, interest, or give a sh!t about anyone or anything in SpermLand other than the outcome of our case.

IMHO the entire system exists to employ lawyers, Judges, low-level bureaucrats, and to maximize federal program dollars going to the local jurisdictions and related mostly ineffective pseudo-professional and semi-official organizations.

So many wrapped up in the throes of the whole mess tolerate so much that IMHO they should not tolerate.  Once it was clear that idiocy permeates the entire process and system, my stance was always to go in with guns blazing, loaded with the full facts, history, and information, and lay waste in every direction that idiocy raised its head.  Even with the Judge. That resulted in some post hearing head banging between me and the Judge that also included a full page in the local paper that our placating attorney and the Judge pleaded for me to withdraw. When I placed the full page the Judge got a call from someone at the paper.  I did withdraw it. As it turned out, the Judge's ruling was a good one.  Though I certainly did not recognize it at the time. I was infuriated by the Judge's snarky and flippant crap. 

The next Judge was a gem.  Very engaging, no attitude, professional, sharp, and effective.  

Threats of court from the opposition side were calls for "Game on!" to our side.  Bring it! 

Sadly, the quality side not only has to battle the toxic opposition side, but they also have to battle the entire system. The system is designed to brutalize quality and reward lack of quality.  It is not in the best interest of any child to be placed under the control of a parent with a record, substance issues, who is incapable of supporting themselves, etc, etc, etc... When the other parent has none of those issues.
Even when you do win, you lose.  As infuriating as that is to experience. 

The stated premise of the system to be about the best interests of the children is a load of carp.  There are countless examples of kids who are forced into the presence if not custody of convicts, addicts, character void scum, etc, etc, etc...  Far too many hard-working quality people are put into potentially decades of financial servitude supporting wastes of skin who should have no business being in the lives of any kid, including their own.  The system often beats down the good side to the point that the good side is buried in guilt, debt, constant conflict, and loses all spine in reference to the opposition and sadly, even their own children.  In what rational situation is it in the best interests of a child to be forced to spend time with a manipulative, snarky, PASing, high conflict, Narc who is is clearly waste of skin parent?

Grrrrr.. .and other angry noises.
 

Last edited by Rags (11/30/2025 5:38 pm)

Meera wrote:

Rags, I couldn't agree with you more. Getting a lawyer from out of state is a fantastic strategy, if you can manage it, it's not always so easy. Good for you. 
I would love to see the entire system dismantled, gas poured over, lighted on fire (figuratively of course) and rebuilt from the ground up. 

Our strategy was not a planned one. We adjusted as events unfolded.  Because DW had left the State of SpermLand with a baby on her hip to attend University a few weeks after the initial Paternity/Custody/CS CO was issued, our entire journey was far removed geographically from the SpermLand courts.  Though they did retain jurisdiction.

Our first attorney was local in SpermLand.  The attorney was sharp, just not particularly assertive.  We spent a lot of time getting them to do what we paid them to do while they focused on being nice, cooperating, and hugging through the process from the perspective of "Can't we just all get along?".  Which allowed the SpermClan/opposition to play their games. 

Once we had completed a transition assignment in CA and landed in TX, we engaged a local TX attorney who had contacts in SpermLand.  There were no games after that.  It was structured, direct, and assertive.  Which the opposition did not care much for.  It also allowed us to go pro se in SpermLand courts under close guidance from our pitbull TX attorney with direct access to a SpermLand firm as needed.  It was not needed.

One key leverage point was at any time we could have had jurisdiction transferred to TX courts once SS had been resident in TX for 6mos.  We never leveraged that option though we did use it as a motivating stick to keep over the opposition's head.  Had we changed venue to our county court in TX, CS would have exploded to well over $1K/mo from $133/mo.  We advised the SpermClan to speak with their own attorney about that.  We did not mention that had we changed venue to TX that visitation would likely have doubled.  We followed a TMI approach as part of our strategy.

Adjusting as events unfold was a critical part of the success, we had during the 16yrs we lived under a CO while married. 
 

Last edited by Rags (12/01/2025 5:49 pm)