Although it's frustrating and irksome, I would probably let it go about the money for the gift for BM. (unless he gave a ludicrous amount or something..)

When my kids were younger, and before they had jobs, I always took them to the store to get something small for their dad for a Christmas present. Despite my negative feelings toward my ex. It felt good to them to be able to buy something for their dad and they didn't yet have savings.

I feel like this period should be short lived. Maybe SS will get a job in high school and he will eventually use his own money for things like this. I found as my kids became older teenagers my contact and need to coordinate and do things like this decreased. For example now my kids have jobs and drivers license and they just drive and buy their dad a present. I don't ask whether they have, this just all gets sorted.

With your SS at age 13 there aren't too many years left of this (hopefully)!!

Last edited by Yesterdays (11/27/2025 6:42 am)

I'll preface this by saying that I speak as someone whose DH acted through that daddy guilt early on, and, even though he did learn to set rules and boundaries, his kids lost (or never gained) respect for him, and it has never been rebuilt. It's long gone. 

The thing that bothers me about your situation is that you say BM is a HCBM (like ours was). In my view, I don't think asking SS about a gift for her is so unusual at SS's age (I think age-wise, he's right at that edge); it's giving him (more) money for the gift that "normalizes" the HC part of the BM and teaches the kid that, hey, all of this (her behavior) is ok. It's like your kid watching you give someone a pass for their bad behavior. I'm not saying you or your DH should act out aggressively or rudely. I think you can take the high road without offering up $$$ for BM gifts. 

Yes, I do think that your SS's requests for money without saying please can be pretty normal for a teenager, but it doesn't mean it's ok. We can correct kids in the gentlest of ways (even bringing humor into it). Saying please and thank you are NORMS in our society and these kinds of things should be learned and expected. Again, without correcting the kid, he is learning that, well, you don't have to be polite to Dad (something my skids definitely learned). It is nothing to say to a kid, "Can you say please?" or "Can you say thank you?" It is disturbing to me when a parent is too scared to say something so simple to a child -- I guess it's because I've seen the result of that later on (DH and I were just talking the other day about what a rude unlikable arse his son grew into--it's awful and it's sad--SS moved to a new area and is having difficulty meeting people/finding new friends.). 

Speaking from our experience, I'd suspect that SS will respect DH if he works to let go of acting out of the daddy guilt and acts like a responsible loving dad with boundaries. And as for you joining the gift giving or $$ giving for BM? Why? If she is so HC, why would you want to jump in on that? AGAIN, I'm not talking about dealing with her aggressively; I'm talking about rewarding or enabling crap behavior. And kids are watching. 

Last edited by MorningMia (11/30/2025 9:57 am)

That's a good point. In my case, my ex husband had helped facilitate the kids getting myself some nice Christmas gifts. And then I did the same, so my kids could get their dad something