Congrats on your new surroundings! We lived 8 hours from HCBM; had we lived any closer, I'd still be single--or married to someone else. lol. 

I, too, moved away from my mother after living very close to her for 14 years and being "that person" who she could rely on. I was working with my siblings to make arrangements for them to step in, as her health began to decline. Like your situation, it was best for us to move--and especially for my career (it was literally an offer I couldn't refuse). Living near my mother (widowed--her 2nd husband) had hit me hard financially because of the location and the lack of opportunity there. There comes that time when you know that you have to do what is right for you. And I know it's difficult. And it comes with a lot of guilt.  

Like Kes said, it sounds like your father is with her, right? In my situation, I told my siblings it was time for them to step in within 3 months of my move, and my brother did, thank God. 

I eventually "lost contact" with my mother because of her severely declining health. She often would not answer the phone and she stopped using the computer. I'm wondering in your situation if you can visit with your mother virtually, on camera? 

Also, has she been diagnosed with dementia? I don't know much about it, but I do know that there are some effective medications available, especially during early stages. 

Best of luck with this situation. I know it's difficult. 

My mom's dad suffered from Alzheimer's.  Very early in the whole dementia conditions discovery.  I doubt he actually had Alzheimer's.  He was very young and had worked in the chemical manufacturing industry for quite some time.   The family suspects it was something related to that period as he had health problems related to allergies to the chemicals he was working with.

Dad's mom was Dx'd with Multiple Infarct Dementia.  Hers increasingly impacted her short term memory.  Her personality grew increasingly vivascious as her disease progressed. She was always very proper and stoic.  The last half dozen years she blossomed. Apparently when young she was very bubbly and engaging.  The first half dozen or so years she and granddad were married they were into dancing and socializing. As they matured they did a lot of entertaining but of the cocktail and horsdoeuvre variety rather than the raging party variety.

When granddad was progressing through his disease my parents lived overseas so mom was not constantly involved. Though she did return several times a year to help my grandmother and my aunt with major elements of granddad's progression, working with docs, etc...

With my grandmother....  We moved her near the rest of the family after dad's dad passed so everyone saw her regularly.

While it is natural to feel bad about a loved one declining, guilt is a choice.   If you are the only family member who is historically active in the lives of declining parents, there is nothing to feel guilty about.  

Take care of you.

Yesterdays wrote:

My mother in law has dementia. She has gotten quite cranky and irritable the last couple of years. She tends to repeat the same things over and over to us when we visit. It's gotten harder to help her. She's in a retirement home which provides 20 meals, bus trips, excursions and activities etc. What we help her with is groceries and visits and shopping. We like to buy her things that she can't lift on her day trips, like milk, water Powerade, yogurt etc. One thing I have considered also is that we could probably order her groceries online through Walmart or Instacart, etc. The difficult thing for us is she is very picky. She hyper fixates on things like milk expiry dates. She often gets emotional as well, crying and upset about things and getting overwhelmed.. Often saying that she has too much to handle, but it is just a small thing like her lamp lightbulb burnt out. Things are just getting harder for her.

My GM (dad's mom) had dementia.  When granddad passed we moved her to our neck of the woods.  Initially we had her in a small private residential home, it would accommodate about 7 residents.  It was beautiful. Sadly, the owners (A couple. He was a general contractor, she was an RN) got into some trouble over O/T wages and closed the facility on very short notice.  That is when we found the Unicorn of incredible places. At the time it was a brand new age in place/assisted living/memory care facility that would accommodate ~100 residents. It was a fully access controlled facility.  All access and egress was monitored and required codes. Except for alarmed emergency exits. 

Basically it was a cruise ship in a manicured lawn area.  The residents had 24/7 monitored care with full access to the entire facility.  Picture a large figure 8 format rectangular building oriented on a N/S axis.   With the exception of the common/social/dining area in the NE corner of the building it was all residential "apartments" on both sides of each hallway.  The central E/W hallway created two fully enclosed courtyards in the open area of each half of the figure 8 rectangle.  One open area was set up as an outdoor cafe type area, the other was set up with gardening boxes for residents who enjoyed gardening/digging in the dirt.  They could reserve a 4x8ft planting box in a yearly basis and grow to their hearts content.  Each courtyard included a sun room on one end of it with a reading room.  The door from the sunroom to the courtyard included a pet door. One courtyard/sun room was the home of the facility dog, the other courtyard/sun room was the home of the facility cat.    Some units were single occupancy, some were for couples.   All units had a "kitchenette" that included a refrigerator, sink, and microwave.  The microwaves were remotely activated so that residents with severe memory issues could not cause themselves risks of hot item injuries, microwave metal objects, etc...   The NW common area included a "restaurant", movie room/karaoke room, reading room, game room, social area, and a salon where a few days a week stylists would see resident customers.  Once a week local businesses would set up a store in the common area with clothes, etc... on a weekly rotating basis.  Residents who did not want to dress up to go to the "restaurant" were served their food in their apartment.

It was an incredible place.  My GM blossomed in that environment. She won several dance contexts, each year at the resident beauty pageant she won Miss Congeniality.  

Interestingly, one of her housemates from the original facility followed her to the garden cruise ship facility. That person was very difficult while my GM was incredibly engaging and pleasant.   Interestingly, the patients who were more irritable almost never left their apartment while those who were engaging would gather, go for strolls in the evenings to walk, talk, visit with neighbors, etc.. The figure 8 format of the bldg was fit for purpose for residents who were wanderers.  They could wander to their hearts content and always end up back where they started under the oversight of the staff.  It evolved that a number of the ladies would all dress up for the evening stroll and off they would go in cute dresses, stylish shoes, festive hats, carrying a purse, etc...  Salon days were always very active with gentlemen getting cuts and shaves, and ladies getting a wash and set, etc...

The local schools and churches would visit and read with residents, put on choir performances, and school drama clubs would put on plays.  

What a great place it was.   The grumps ended up pretty much in the one branch hallway that was not on the main figure 8 route in the facility.  The apartments were assigned after family and resident interviews and assessments with staff.  Occasionally there would be a family or grumpy resident who would take exception to something, but the rules were very clear.  No disruption to the community would be tolerated.

They did some bus trips, church shuttling, entertainment shopping trips, etc... They also would transport residents to Doc appointments.  Though the rules prevented grocery trips or families bringing groceries to the facility.  Small amounts of baked goods, etc... were okay Though due to the tendency of memory care patients to horde stuff, it was closely monitored.  One thing we did regularly was to clean out my GM's purse every time we visited. She had a napkin and cracker problem not wanting to throw away what she considered to be a serviceable napkin or a cracker left after opening a packet.  We would regularly visit my GM, take her on drives or to lunch, fairs, flea markets, etc...

The name of the place has changed in the 20+ years since my GM passed.  I can't find who now owns it or I would share a link.  If there is a similar facility near anyone with a family member needing assisted living memory care, I highly suggest the model as a great option for quality of life for those family members.