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1 of 1- Rags
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An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
It begged the question in my brain. How much of what SParents have to deal with is performative drama from mates who are ineffective parents, Xs (on either side) who are attention seeking and scratching to remain relevant, or kids who are way overstepping for whatever reason, all without being called to task for their choices?
Is it performative drama? Is it more about the performance than anything substantive? Is it more about getting attention or a reaction than actually communicating something legitimate?
I know which way I lean in my opinion on the phrase. I like it btw. I think it cuts to the chase with so many that SParents have to deal with in blended life.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- MorningMia
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Re: An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
I would say that it is performative but the performers would never ever describe it that way--they feel like they (I'm thinking of BM and skids here) have the right to act out as a means to get what they want (which is unreasonable. . . in our case it was to have extreme control of our lives, for us to divorce, or for me to be Wife #2 while BM remained in the role of Wife #1). If someone wants to communicate something legitimate, even without the "tools" to do so, I don't think they would keep up with the same crap behavior for years. . . that's not logical. Of course, our marriage counselor told us to stop trying to place logic on the illogical.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Rags
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Re: An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
MorningMia wrote:
I would say that it is performative but the performers would never ever describe it that way--they feel like they (I'm thinking of BM and skids here) have the right to act out as a means to get what they want (which is unreasonable. . . in our case it was to have extreme control of our lives, for us to divorce, or for me to be Wife #2 while BM remained in the role of Wife #1). If someone wants to communicate something legitimate, even without the "tools" to do so, I don't think they would keep up with the same crap behavior for years. . . that's not logical. Of course, our marriage counselor told us to stop trying to place logic on the illogical.
You marriage counselor is exactly right IMHO. The illogical are incapable of embracing logic.
The marriage therapist I found when XW and I were nearing the end of our marriage ended up being my personal therapist. After XW walked out of the final couple's session when Doc announced that after doing months of work on base lining our relationship by looking at my relationship with my family, XW's relationship with her family, and other relationshop stuff, it was time to discuss the intimacy issues within the marriage.
XW stood up, professed that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out. Of course she was the only one who knew at the time that she was knocked up by one of her several cheat buddies. It had been more than 8mos since we were last intimate.
Having Doc be my personal therapist while having the full meal deal history and understanding of the marriage was a boon to my mental health and in helping me engage in the grief process, and rediscover the me I enjoyed being.
Performative dramatists are incredibly challenging because they cannot be fixed no matter how hard we try. Which is why I stand on firmly enforced boundaries where their drama crashes against an immovable bastion that hurts them for even trying to breach. They can keep banging their heads against the wall but it only hurts them. At least it only hurts them if the defenders are clear that the issue is the dramatist's to live. That choice and commitment has to be indellible if we are to not experience the pain perpetrated by.... them.
Dr. Phil's "So how is that working out for you?" is one of the best advise questions around. Both for the performative dramatist and for the defender of the boundaries who gives in.
I abandoned investing in why the "performers would never ever describe it that way" after far too many heartbreaks. Figuring them out is in far too many cases a complete and total waste of care, time, and effort. They just hurt too much to care about. IMHO. Their issues are theirs. Particularly when we defend the boundaries without fail. It is only when we crack open the gates that their issues can seep into our lives.
Last edited by Rags (11/23/2025 11:07 pm)
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
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Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
I would say that it is performative but the performers would never ever describe it that way--they feel like they (I'm thinking of BM and skids here) have the right to act out as a means to get what they want (which is unreasonable. . . in our case it was to have extreme control of our lives, for us to divorce, or for me to be Wife #2 while BM remained in the role of Wife #1). If someone wants to communicate something legitimate, even without the "tools" to do so, I don't think they would keep up with the same crap behavior for years. . . that's not logical. Of course, our marriage counselor told us to stop trying to place logic on the illogical.
You marriage counselor is exactly right IMHO. The illogical are incapable of embracing logic.
The marriage therapist I found when XW and I were nearing the end of our marriage ended up being my personal therapist. After XW walked out of the final couple's session when Doc announced that after doing months of work on base lining our relationship by looking at my relationship with my family, XW's relationship with her family, and other relationshop stuff, it was time to discuss the intimacy issues within the marriage.
XW stood up, professed that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out. Of course she was the only one who knew at the time that she was knocked up by one of her several cheat buddies. It had been more than 8mos since we were last intimate.
Having Doc be my personal therapist while having the full meal deal history and understanding of the marriage was a boon to my mental health and in helping me engage in the grief process, and rediscover the me I enjoyed being.
Performative dramatists are incredibly challenging because they cannot be fixed no matter how hard we try. Which is why I stand on firmly enforced boundaries where their drama crashes against an immovable bastion that hurts them for even trying to breach. They can keep banging their heads against the wall but it only hurts them. At least it only hurts them if the defenders are clear that the issue is the dramatist's to live. That choice and commitment has to be indellible if we are to not experience the pain perpetrated by.... them.
Dr. Phil's "So how is that working out for you?" is one of the best advise questions around. Both for the performative dramatist and for the defender of the boundaries who gives in.
I abandoned investing in why the "performers would never ever describe it that way" after far too many heartbreaks. Figuring them out is in far too many cases a complete and total waste of care, time, and effort. They just hurt too much to care about. IMHO. Their issues are theirs. Particularly when we defend the boundaries without fail. It is only when we crack open the gates that their issues can seep into our lives.
"Figuring them out" (well, attempting to) is a curse, yet I completely understand the desire to do so. Believe me, I tried. The best thing to do--if possible, as I know not all situations lend themselves to this--is to shut the door, lock it, bolt it, put furniture up against it. You just can't use reason with the unreasonable.
I cannot imagine the performative theatrics that occurred in her home when we finally shut the door on BM. (I need to add that when we shut the door, we did so stating that we hoped "in the future" that we could all communicate and be civil, so we left that option on the table. She responded with vitriol, which was appropriately dealt with.) Whatever she did and said at that time, it impacted the skids--no, scarred them--as that was when I became the devil in their eyes. When DH did not "come around," as they all expected, then he was pushed down a few more rungs on the ladder, too. Us? We're good now. Them? Not so much, it seems. Who lost out? DH thought he did. In time, we realized THEY did.
Last edited by MorningMia (11/24/2025 7:45 am)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- ESMOD
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Re: An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
The most recent context I have seen on social media.. using the term "performative" was in reference to white people (women mostly)... making posts about how they appreciated certain styles of hair on black women. Using a song that became popular.. that if you read the lyrics is kind of calling out people that use their "allyship" as some sort of badge of honor and that the reality is that often these people that are claiming to be allies (of lbgtq.. ethnic groups etc..) are actually doing so in a self serving way.. not actually listening to the people that are being allied.
So, the accusation was these videos were performative and basically black women didn't find it complimentary to have white women tell them "en mass" what kinds of hair styles they liked.
In Steplife this would be the HCBM who makes all sorts of posts about their stellar parenting.. while the reality is that they do many things that aren't in the best interest of their children.
- Rags
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Re: An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
I would say that it is performative but the performers would never ever describe it that way--they feel like they (I'm thinking of BM and skids here) have the right to act out as a means to get what they want (which is unreasonable. . . in our case it was to have extreme control of our lives, for us to divorce, or for me to be Wife #2 while BM remained in the role of Wife #1). If someone wants to communicate something legitimate, even without the "tools" to do so, I don't think they would keep up with the same crap behavior for years. . . that's not logical. Of course, our marriage counselor told us to stop trying to place logic on the illogical.
You marriage counselor is exactly right IMHO. The illogical are incapable of embracing logic.
The marriage therapist I found when XW and I were nearing the end of our marriage ended up being my personal therapist. After XW walked out of the final couple's session when Doc announced that after doing months of work on base lining our relationship by looking at my relationship with my family, XW's relationship with her family, and other relationshop stuff, it was time to discuss the intimacy issues within the marriage.
XW stood up, professed that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out. Of course she was the only one who knew at the time that she was knocked up by one of her several cheat buddies. It had been more than 8mos since we were last intimate.
Having Doc be my personal therapist while having the full meal deal history and understanding of the marriage was a boon to my mental health and in helping me engage in the grief process, and rediscover the me I enjoyed being.
Performative dramatists are incredibly challenging because they cannot be fixed no matter how hard we try. Which is why I stand on firmly enforced boundaries where their drama crashes against an immovable bastion that hurts them for even trying to breach. They can keep banging their heads against the wall but it only hurts them. At least it only hurts them if the defenders are clear that the issue is the dramatist's to live. That choice and commitment has to be indellible if we are to not experience the pain perpetrated by.... them.
Dr. Phil's "So how is that working out for you?" is one of the best advise questions around. Both for the performative dramatist and for the defender of the boundaries who gives in.
I abandoned investing in why the "performers would never ever describe it that way" after far too many heartbreaks. Figuring them out is in far too many cases a complete and total waste of care, time, and effort. They just hurt too much to care about. IMHO. Their issues are theirs. Particularly when we defend the boundaries without fail. It is only when we crack open the gates that their issues can seep into our lives.
"Figuring them out" (well, attempting to) is a curse, yet I completely understand the desire to do so. Believe me, I tried. The best thing to do--if possible, as I know not all situations lend themselves to this--is to shut the door, lock it, bolt it, put furniture up against it. You just can't use reason with the unreasonable.
I cannot imagine the performative theatrics that occurred in her home when we finally shut the door on BM. (I need to add that when we shut the door, we did so stating that we hoped "in the future" that we could all communicate and be civil, so we left that option on the table. She responded with vitriol, which was appropriately dealt with.) Whatever she did and said at that time, it impacted the skids--no, scarred them--as that was when I became the devil in their eyes. When DH did not "come around," as they all expected, then he was pushed down a few more rungs on the ladder, too. Us? We're good now. Them? Not so much, it seems. Who lost out? DH thought he did. In time, we realized THEY did.
Sadly, these dramatists nearly always scar the kids. Though for my SS it did not demonize his mom and me, it has scared him indelibly. They rode the drama performance too long and to energetically to the point that he purged all of them from his life. I think his trust issues regarding relationships traces to their antics. Just my opinion. Though if I were a better, I would put it all on that number.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
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Thread Starter- Rags
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Re: An interesting term I recently read - Performative drama.
.....are actually doing so in a self serving way.. not actually listening to the people that are being allied..
ESMOD, brilliance as usual. The toxic side is nearly universally and constantly self-serving while marketing their scripted drama as care for and defense of the Skids or whatever host the performative dramatist is leeching on at any given moment.
Not infrequently they even seem to attempt to be a parasite on those they detest.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
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Thread Starter