Hi all! I'm so glad this exists because I had such a positive outcome from my one post on the Steptalk; everyone was so understanding and nonjudgemental. I hope the same for this. 

Opening up about my SS (10, about to be 11) has been hard for me because I know he's just a kid. I feel guilty about my feelings towards him and it hasn't gotten any easier. I'll do my best to condense everything from the last two years, but this might be all over the place.

So, BM had been untreated for an undiagnosed mental illness and had custody up until Dec 2024. We suspect (as do our therapists) that she either had Bipolar Schizoaffective disorder, or BPD. For years she made allegations against my DH, so SS had all this conflicting and damaging information coming from BM and her family. I think it's also important to note, aside from going to school, SS didn't really interact with kids much and didn't have friends. He spent much of his time staying indoors, watching Youtube, playing video games, and hanging out with just BM and his maternal grandparents. BM doesn't have friends either, so they never went anywhere or did normal things like socialize. Once he moved in full time with us (2023 - after mom's mental health got really bad), I started to notice he's clearly been isolated and lacked socialization and struggled with emotional regulation. He cried over everything. And like, boo-hoo type of crying. More on this shortly...
My son (14 and on the spectrum) also struggled with emotional regulation, but his was expressed through defiance, stubbornness, and anger. He also struggles with social cues/reading emotions, and this can come off as being mean or inconsiderate. He's also sensory seeking, so he likes to interact physically with someone or just to move his body around. That could look like holding someone's hand, rough housing, running around, jumping, etc. 
I constantly had (still do, but not as much as he's made a ton of progress in therapy) discussions with him about the importance of being aware of our words & actions, how we treat people, how to self reflect and take accountability, etc. and he'd been in therapy. 
My SS got my son in-trouble a lot because he can't tell apart playful vs. intentional teasing, playful rough housing vs. physical abuse, if something happened while we weren't around/looking - he would immediately blame my son and since they both were struggling with emotional regulation - my DH would pick the "lesser evil" - the tears.
I try to remain objective when it comes to issues between my son and SS because I understand our situation is unique. I don't like to take sides, I like to mediate and make sure they both feel heard and work towards a solution. BUT I also recognize and am well aware that my son can be intentionally hurtful sometimes, but often times I know that's not the case. You know your kids, right? You know when they genuinely didn't mean to make someone cry or didn't mean for things to get out of hand. 
My DH was seeing things as black and white: "my kid is crying, my SS is raging because of this, it's clearly the SS's fault." (A+B=C) He's gotten a lot better through MANY discussions, but I unfortunately still remember the times my son wasn't given the grace that SS often got/gets, so part of this is a little bit of lingering resentment on my part. My DH and in-laws have had a habit of coddling for fear of hurting his feelings and upsetting him.
So, what I've noticed is my SS can't stand up for himself, resorts to crying whenever he needs an out, makes up stories that aren't true to avoid getting in-trouble, gives up easily, feels victimized and blames others instead of self reflecting, people pleases and then gets upset later because he actually didn't want to, acts helpless to avoid accountability or because he'd rather someone else do something for him, etc. Some of this is also behavior he observed his mom doing so he's just doing what's learned and observed. His therapist has noticed these things as well. She says because he's been severely neglected, he's basically an empty vessel and is only just now learning things he should've been learning his whole life. 
On top of this, he severely lacks common sense. He'll ask questions like, "Where do I put my plate?" after washing it, "The big spoon I need for the rice is in with the beans, what should I do?", or "I replaced the toilet paper but don't know what to do with the roll. What should I do with it?", but he's very academically intelligent. 
He admitted to me the other day that he knows he has skills he learned from his therapist and his teachers at school, but he chooses not to. 
He joined our pretty intense karate class only because he didn't want to be left out (previously quit because it was too tough and he doesn't like physical contact sports), and recently got punched in the stomach a little harder than normal and BOOHOO'D the WHOLE night. I sincerely tried to help in different ways and he ended up telling me he didn't like what I had to say, and at first I was like "Wow. Ok then." but then I heard him say that about everyone who tried to help him including his dad, and I didn't feel as bummed about it.

All this to say, I'm annoyed by his presence. I've tried to "fake it til you make it" but it seems like a terrible mindset because this is a CHILD but I don't have it in me you guys. I can't fake it and I can't deal with this perceived helplessness. When he cries over something, I don't feel bad. For example: When my kid is clearly joking around with him like he does with me, his friends, his cousins, he says "Can you tell him to stop? He's hurting my feelings and being mean." when he hasn't done a single thing to try to work through this himself. This drives me crazy because I see SS's friends interact with him the same way my son does and he just goes along with it, just as happy as ever, and doesn't say anything about it later. Or sometimes he does, and I just ask, "Well, did you try to [x, y, z]?" and he'll say no. Ya'll, I don't feel bad for someone like that. And again, I know he's young but if you're constantly crying and complaining about things and doing nothing about it and just blaming others instead of actively working towards conflict resolution and advocating for yourself, OR if you're not seeking out guidance from others on how to work through things (because he'll ask for help in any other non-people related situations), I just can't fake the sympathy or empathy but I try REALLY hard. 
I find myself avoiding being around him whenever I can and limit my interactions with him, and just let DH handle most things as he's gotten better at not coddling him so much and seeing through the manipulative behavior (strong word, but couldn't think of another word). I say this because prior times, I would try to step in or we'd just get into arguments because I thought he was baby-ing him too much instead of being realistic about situations which I felt would better his mind grow to be more open to perspectives so he wouldn't get stuck in a pity party.
It's honestly a back and forth thing for me. Sometimes, I jump at the opportunity to offer him guidance because I feel he can benefit from a smig of tough love and I just hope one day he recognizes that I'm not "being mean", I'm just parenting him like I do my own son. I'm realistic, state the facts, offer validation, and provide different perspectives to help create a mind that is open to seeing the grey of the world. He doesn't like it because it's not what he wants to hear, and I will never sugarcoat sh!t to him. He knows that and has admitted he'd rather me sugarcoat and lie to him. 
This world is going to eat him up alive if he continues down this "Poor me" path and I don't want that for him!!! 

What would you guys recommend? Any books? Podcasts? Any general advice is greatly appreciated.