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I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
Well it's official, I am being induced early next week to welcome our newest DD. The date/time have been set.
With that being said, I should have known that BM would rear her ugly head just prior to my delivery. BM emailed DH tonight, stating that she has realized that DH has only been taking one "virtual parenting time" per week instead of the two he is entitled to, since summer. To be clear, these are the twice weekly phone calls with SS, not virtual parenting times, but it is clear she is trying to demonstrate that DH doesn't want contact with SS. With that, BM feels that now might be a good time to update the CO to accurately reflect what "is" occurring versus what might be occurring. She feels that there is language in the CO that is "outdated." BM is also requesting a CS review stating it is mandated by the state. She requested that she and DH meet for two mediation sessions - one to address visitation and the other to address CS.
First and foremost, the ONLY items the CO addresses is visitation and DH's entitlement to two weekly phone calls. DH knows that BM is trying to reduce his parenting time and get it reduced officially via the CO, hence the request. DH also knows that BM couldn't care less about these phone calls, but is trying to use that as grounds to show that DH is becoming less and less interested in maintaining a relationship with SS, which is false.
Second, in our state, CS reviews are only mandated every 3 years IF one parent is receiving state assistance. If not, either party CAN request a CS review but it is not required. We are not against BM requesting a review, but DH will not be meeting with her to negotiate the terms. He will simply mail in his financial documents to the courts for their calculation like he usually does. Based on our last CS order, it appears BM will be eligible to request a review in December.
DH responded to BM's email very clearly outlining 3 points:
(1) Yes, DH has opted to call SS once per week because SS now has a cell phone so they can and do text throughout the week, reducing the need for frequent formal phone calls and that with one call per week, SS is much more talkative and engaging because the contact is further apart and there is more to discuss, strengthening their father/son relationship.
(2) DH does not agree that parenting time needs to be revisited at this time, nor does he agree to attend mediation on this topic. The CO has been working, with both BM and DH reaching mutual agreements on visitation changes and defaulting to the CO if an agreement cannot be reached.
(3) DH will not be meeting with BM to review or negotiate his child support obligation. BM is more than welcome to file a motion to review CS with the courts and if completed, DH will follow the review process, providing any/all financial documentation required by the courts.
DH will not be responding to any additional emails from BM on this topic.
These types of emails used to send me into a full blown tailspin, but I think I handled this one well, especially everything going on with us right now. I'm sure BM is trying to plan ahead and realizes that living bound to a CO is inconvenient, especially when there are additional children and competing priorities to sort out. We think BM and GF want the CO to reduce DH's visitation so they can just live their lives with SS and their upcoming baby, not having to coordinate all this. Well, news flash, we have been living under a CO for 13 years now, 4 of which have also impacted DD, and we have made it work. BM doesn't get to demand changes and accomodations to everything because now her and GF will have a new baby and this no longer works the way they want it to. And with the CS review, I think BM is fishing for more money since they are adding another child with no BD to support it. My Dad thinks BM is sniffing for car money, college money, etc. we all think they are starting to panic about finances being tight and it being all on them.
I am just irritated that every time DH and I have something good going on in our lives, BM feels the need to rain on our parade with issues. I told DH that I will not let this distract from welcoming DD peacefully and happily, even if it kills me. DH agrees. Still just irritating that we have to deal with it to begin with.
I am hoping BM doesn't lawyer up and file for motions to revisit to force DH into conversation. But with IVF and new baby expenses, I am hoping she won't financially fork out the money, effort, and time to force the issue.
Last edited by CastleJJ (11/11/2025 12:01 am)
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
DH may want to consider filing for the CS review himself. Just to spin BM up a bit and take the initiative away from her.
This will likely have zero impact on the outcome of the CS review, but it will show engagement which pulls some credibility away from BM's blather about DH not being interested in a relationship with SS.
Also, it might push the CS review to fruition prior to the invitro-baby showing up to muddy the waters on the BM/GF side regarding support. You will have two live young humans on your side of the calculation and BM/GF won't have one yet.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense for DH to start driving the narrative, CS review, and controlling the whole pace and structure as much as he can. You and he are doing a great job of continuing to pull BM/GF's teeth on it all by playing the no card and continually marginalizing BM/GF as much as possible.
You mentioned earlier that with the BM/GF invitro-spawn forthcoming that a change in the view for SS is likely. I paraphrase of course. I think that is an absolute if the IVF baby is not a manipulation by BM/GF to play some sick game.
Keep boxing the toxic opposition in, supporting the SKid with stability and the facts, and protecting your family.
Congratulations on having the calendar date for young DD#2.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- CastleJJ
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
UPDATE: BM replied to DH's email first thing this morning. Her response was mostly drama, no fact. BM tried to state that she feels the CO is now outdated because while things are better now, they haven't always been and since the creation of the new CO 5 years ago, there have been "several" occasions where BM and DH have been unable to reach an agreement and have had to default to the CO. So in other words, BM didn't get what she wanted every time she demanded it in the last 5 years, so now the CO doesn't work. And also, love that we are focusing on drudging up the past and not recognizing the fact that steplife has been relatively drama free with BM for the last 2 years and DH has mostly accommodated or negotiated every visit adjustment BM has requested since 2023. But yes, it's not working anymore because BM can no longer force DH to do what she wants every time, cannot weaponize SS anymore, and wants the CO to support her in that. Not going to happen.
She backpedaled on the CS conversation, trying to act like CS review is not at her request but is just "process." She warned DH that "due to standard process" one will be coming soon. So in reality, BM wants an increase and is seeking that. Go for it, BM, it's within your right to do so. DH looked at our previous CS order last night and BM can't request a new CS review until December, so newest DD will already be here and will be considered a factor in DH's favor. Plus, BM was making way more than DH 3 years ago at the last review and I still see that being the case, so even if CS does go up some, I don't see it going up much.
I hope BM got her satisfaction in trying to disrupt our lives, knowing DD is arriving soon. I think DH handled it so well that she really didn't get the reaction or drama she was hoping to get. DH didn't respond to her reply, nor is he going to, and he's not engaging with BM again on this or any other frivolous matter in the near future. DH wants to focus on newest DD's arrival and not on BM's attempts to ruin it.
Last edited by CastleJJ (11/11/2025 10:30 am)
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Thread Starter- Yesterdays
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
"since the creation of the new CO 5 years ago, there have been "several" occasions where BM and DH have been unable to reach an agreement and have had to default to the CO. "
Good. That's what it's there for! 
- Yesterdays
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
I think you handled it very well. This woman sure does know how to try to stir up drama. Things start going too good and they want to throw a monkey wrench for no reason.. What exactly is she trying to prove by saying that his dad has been only doing one of the 2 calls?? Is she trying to say that due to this "change" the whole agreement needs to be revisited? This doesn't make sense. He's already replied with the reasoning (which is probably more than I would have done). However now that he's said it, there's nothing else to be done in that regard.
As far as the child support, I agree with the idea of addressing that to take charge of the situation, showing that she is not the only one who can do things, or who knows best...
Beyond that.... I would decline the mediation and any other attempt to update any agreement wording, that is until legally it is required which doesn't seem like now and certainly nothing is as urgent as BM tries to make it out to be. I really think she'd be sh!t out of luck with trying to force anything out of urgency or necessity
You could probably even just ignore her requests unless/until you had any court ordered response, which I don't think would happen... She is just trying to make herself relevant and "important" yet again...
- CastleJJ
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
@Yesterdays DH and I think that BM is trying to demonstrate that since DH reduced his weekly calls from twice per week to once per week, he is not interested in utilizing his full phone calls/access to SS and I think she wants to use that as grounds to reduce visitation with SS as a whole, hence why she wants the order rewritten. I can almost guarantee she wants DH to have less than 4 weeks in the summer, no long weekends, and less time on school breaks. If she had it her way, SS wouldn't visit at all. Ultimately, DH and I have a hunch that since BM and GF are expecting a baby, they now realize how much DH's visitation will interfere with their new child - SS being gone for a week or more at a time, having to do half transportation while taking a baby into consideration, BM and GF having to do things separately to meet BM's CO'd requirements, added financial stress from the new baby, etc. I think BM was hoping she could force DH into accepting less visitation under the guise that SS is older and "DH isn't really using it." DH won't voluntarily agree to that unless he is forced by the courts, which I doubt BM would actually pursue due to the expense, effort, and time that would require. DH will continue to ignore these requests for change until BM serves him with an actual court motion to modify parenting time.
BM is a narcissist so we often find that she doesn't do well in times of inconvenience or when things get hard. DH does well when facing adversity because he's had no choice. BM expects everyone else to either sacrifice or help BM to make it less difficult on her (and many people in BM's orbit do that). We aren't doing that.
Last edited by CastleJJ (11/11/2025 1:21 pm)
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Thread Starter- Yesterdays
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
Ugggh. That reasoning is so flawed, we all know it and so would any judge or lawyer. It's ridiculous. It seems like it's always been jealousy with her that you have a good relationship with SS and that irks her. She doesn't like that she's not the only one in charge of him. That's what I see anyhow. He seems to be more happy and well rounded when he visits your house. I think it's often about jealousy in these situations.
BMs sometimes pump up the drama during transitional times.. Which might be part of it... Worry, fear of losing him? Money? And manipulation... Any chance she can get or use to get her way with the court order. Of course, none of this is best for SS. As it is he doesn't see you guys all that often.
My husbands ex used to try to do stuff like this all the time. Try to use something happening in a manipulative way to twist so she gets what she wants. In your case, how lame that she's trying that.
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
CastleJJ wrote:
@Yesterdays DH and I think that BM is trying to demonstrate that since DH reduced his weekly calls from twice per week to once per week, he is not interested in utilizing his full phone calls/access to SS and I think she wants to use that as grounds to reduce visitation with SS as a whole, hence why she wants the order rewritten. I can almost guarantee she wants DH to have less than 4 weeks in the summer, no long weekends, and less time on school breaks. If she had it her way, SS wouldn't visit at all. Ultimately, DH and I have a hunch that since BM and GF are expecting a baby, they now realize how much DH's visitation will interfere with their new child - SS being gone for a week or more at a time, having to do half transportation while taking a baby into consideration, BM and GF having to do things separately to meet BM's CO'd requirements, added financial stress from the new baby, etc..........
Hmmmm? Good catch. Not to mention..... not having a built-in free teen babysitter during the times that SS is with his father.
I forecast that things are about to get very interesting and tense for BM & GF as they dive into parenting an infant with a teen, two careers, and a C to attend to. The balance of power and influence is shifting, and it looks as if BM & Gf are just now starting to see that tidal wave forming for them.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- Rags
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
Ugggh. That reasoning is so flawed, we all know it and so would any judge or lawyer. It's ridiculous. It seems like it's always been jealousy with her that you have a good relationship with SS and that irks her. She doesn't like that she's not the only one in charge of him. That's what I see anyhow. He seems to be more happy and well rounded when he visits your house. I think it's often about jealousy in these situations.
BMs sometimes pump up the drama during transitional times.. Which might be part of it... Worry, fear of losing him? Money? And manipulation... Any chance she can get or use to get her way with the court order. Of course, none of this is best for SS. As it is he doesn't see you guys all that often.
My husbands ex used to try to do stuff like this all the time. Try to use something happening in a manipulative way to twist so she gets what she wants. In your case, how lame that she's trying that.
We were fortunate. This tactic was only attempted once by the SpermClan though it did make for a very tough year for my then GF/Fiance. They attempted to take custody of SS. Their strategy was to bury her in legal fees that as a single teen mom college student she could not deal with. Wrong. They very much underestimated her. Rather than wilt and cave to their legal and financial pressures she took out supplemental school loans and gave them the big middle finger. Figuratively and legally anyway.
We married 5days before the custody hearing occurred. They had played scheduling games with the courtsfor nearly a year to get her to spend a ton of money on travel back and forth from SpermLand to where she was in school (1200+ miles) then would reschedule the hearings at the last minute after she had spent money on airfare which also added more hours to her legal bills. They attempted it again when we arrived for the court hearing that actually happened. Our attorney was able to stop the postponement of that hearing though it did p!ss off the Judge who was wanting to accept a murder trial and had to turn it down for our hearing.
We won so resoundingly through total baring of SpermClan arse socially, financially, and in the court that they never again attempted the legal and financial manipulation again for the next 16 years. Though they did invest heavily in emotionally manipulating our kid. Though we ultimately won that war as well. Though not without lasting consequences for our kid. But we were able to mostly minimize the impact of their manipulation, PAS, and emotional terrorism towards him.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- advice.only2
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
BM is getting ready to have a new baby soon right? So it tracks she want's a CS review. Best of luck on the birth of DD2!
- CastleJJ
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
@advice.only2 BM's wife is due with a baby in late spring next year.
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Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
I felt my blood pressure rising as I was reading this.
One of the most fun (?) things we did back in the day (when we got better at handling the situation) was totally ignore BM when we knew she was doing this--trying to interrupt our time together, an important time, a holiday. At most, "I can't communicate right now. Will get back to you next week."
You all pay attention to your health and your new baby.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
I felt my blood pressure rising as I was reading this.
One of the most fun (?) things we did back in the day (when we got better at handling the situation) was totally ignore BM when we knew she was doing this--trying to interrupt our time together, an important time, a holiday. At most, "I can't communicate right now. Will get back to you next week."
You all pay attention to your health and your new baby.
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- Tryingjusttrying
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Re: I Knew It Had Been Too Quiet
@castlejj - That really sucks that you have to be worried about that while your baby is due imminently. You and your DH are being reasonable. The BM is not. Unfortunately, that still doesn't take away from the fact that she is SS's BM and has an impact on your lives. I've been trying to work on not having my mood and energy be so impacted by what SS and BM does. I hope you're more successful than I am.
@yesterdays said "BMs sometimes pump up the drama during transitional times.. Which might be part of it... Worry, fear of losing him? Money? And manipulation... Any chance she can get or use to get her way with the court order. Of course, none of this is best for SS. As it is he doesn't see you guys all that often."
I was struck by this. I've noticed that SS and BM often "get" DH during times of transition. Do you have any thoughts on why this is? My feeling is that just like animals who have just shed, like snakes that have just molted or butterflies that have just hatched from their cocoons, they're more vulnerable then, so predators know to attack? But I think you're saying that during transitions, the situation becomes more in flux and perhaps easier to insert and enforce changes. I remember during our wedding, between the ceremony at church and the reception at a restaurant, DH got SS an uber because he and I took the car. SS then used access to the app to get a car for all of his friends and him to go for a joy ride after the reception. It was about a $100. It's just one example in which SS uses a time when DH is distracted or we're out of our routine, etc. to exploit him. DH saw the bill and was kind of confused, like I guess I ordered some cars for some people? Anyway, I've thought about this in the past and it struck me that you observed that too.