Tonight, when SS dropped this news on us, for the first time, I felt absolutely nothing. I told SS that I wished them all the best and hoped GF had a healthy pregnancy. For the first time, I don't care what life brings them and I am completely content with that life DH and I have built for ourselves and our family. Plus, with BM preoccupied, we haven't heard a peep from her in weeks and we certainly hope that continues. For the first time, I feel so much peace and I am so proud of myself for finally getting there after all these years. When I first joined back in 2019, I was a mess and light-years away from where I am now.

Congratulations! This is a huge step. While I had yet to get beyond my resentment of the skids--because the hits kept coming at the time--I knew something had majorly shifted in me when we learned BM had obtained a job that was (at the time) lucrative and my response was, "Good. She has time to save up for some good retirement." huh? 

Best wishes for an easy baby delivery--and big congrats on this!!! 

@Tryingjusttrying No, we do not all get along. DH and BM had SS13 at 19 years old. BM broke up with DH after an on again, off again relationship of 2 years, two weeks after finding out she was pregnant. BM has admitted recently that she was only looking for a sperm donor and wanted to be a teen Mom in hopes it would gain her attention and unconditional love. When DH fought to have a relationship with SS during infancy, the toxic, narcissistic behaviors came out in full force and DH spent 7 years fighting in court. BM maintained sole physical and legal custody since DH and BM were never married. DH gained the smallest amounts of visitation  (up to 8 hours every other Sunday - no overnights) for years due to BM continuously making false allegations. In 2017, BM dropped the news that she was moving SS out of state to be with her GF. DH didn't even know BM was dating. DH sought legal advice and they told DH to let BM go (since he would lose due to BM having full custody), but build an iron-clad long distance arrangement. We tried that and BM moved. We settled on a traditional long distance schedule - holiday breaks, extended summer, long weekends, etc. After BM moved, GF became "Mom #2" and took over the second parent role. BM erased DH's existence, removing him from all school access, medical access, etc. Everyone in their new state thought SS was BM and GF's child, conceived via sperm donor. SS' friends' parents were shocked to meet DH and realize SS actually had a Dad because their lie was so deep rooted. DH had to go back to court to enforce his rights to access records and to be "Dad." DH spent $30k and a year in court, fighting to maintain a relationship with SS. BM and GF did not take this lightly and again, the toxic, narcissistic tendencies came out. BM and GF felt that DH was challenging their family unit and ruining their fairytale of raising SS together as their own. GF became very hostile towards DH, repeatedly saying he was attempting to take "her son" away. It was all very delusional. BM and GF tried enrolling SS in every sport under the sun and every academic everything, in hopes that would sway the courts to limit or prevent visitation. It didn't, yet BM still tries to challenge every visitation and now has put SS in the middle, encouraging SS to blame DH when SS has to miss extracurriculars for visitation. The conflict has somewhat settled down over the last year or so, but it's still far from ideal. DH and I have DD3 together and we are expecting another DD, due in a few weeks. SS is VERY close to DD3 - very protective and worshipping of her. I didn't expect that given the distance, the age gap, and his lack of involvement in our lives, but he truly does love his sister and I am thankful for that. BM and GF have always seemed to be in competition with DH (despite DH refusing to compete) and are only satisfied when they can successfully maintain their narrative of being SS' Moms or paint DH as a "deadbeat Dad."

We have always had a good relationship with SS. DH and I have been actively involved, even from a distance. SS got a cell phone this year that BM and GF control, which gave them a direct line to SS and complicated things. This summer led me to disengage more, as SS started making up lies about me and DD3 to appease BM and GF. BM and GF were also encouraging the teasing and lies against me and DD3. They had no problem poking fun at a toddler. It was actually quite gross. DH found this out when he came across some of SS' texts to BM and GF, making fun of me and DD3 for things we do, how we live, etc. and accusing me  of eavesdropping on his calls to BM and GF when I wasn't even home at that time of those calls. After that, I refused to be alone with SS at all and left the house for almost the entirety of his summer visit. Since then, I think he has somewhat realized what his lies did and what it cost him from my disengagement and he has tried harder to repair it. I am still guard up for the most part. I have always struggled with BM and GF and their toxicity, but I have always had a decent/good relationship with SS until this year. After summer I tried to focus on finding my own peace and disengaging from all of it, so I feel like this non-existent reaction to BM and GF's baby news proves my efforts successful. SS has made some comments since summer that make us believe he is seeing the truth about BM and GF, challenging them more, getting frustrated at them more, wanting to be around DH more, etc. but only time will tell if he actually sees the light or falls for the PAS.

I am curious to see how SS navigates having two sisters at our house, a brother at their house, and how they parent this baby in comparison to SS since DH won't be involved with this baby at all. Will it make them more chill with this baby because they aren't at risk of having to share via custody schedule? Will they raise this baby to also be "the best" and held to the highest standard like SS? Will SS lean more towards their family or more towards ours based on these changes in households and the new dynamics at play? It's all going to be very interesting.

Last edited by CastleJJ (11/03/2025 9:46 pm)

Maybe they will be too busy parenting the new baby to bother you guys.

Good luck on the end of your pregnancy and holidays with the two littles! This is definitely interesting news though. This will cause a shift in who SS was becoming depending how they parent him now with the baby.

Very curious how this one will pan out. I’m not sure which way it’s going to go..

Thanks for retelling your history with SS, BM, and the GF. That's a toxic stew of narcissistic BM, PAS, triangulation, etc. It must have been so stressful to deal with all that. I don't like that you moved out for pretty much a whole summer because of SS. That's your home, and you should feel comfortable there. But I understand - when SS visits from college, I'm planning to be away as much as possible. But in marriage counseling, the therapist has convinced DH that it's okay for him to go out with his son without bringing him over necessarily. It seems that your SS has at least a little decency given that he's trying to make it up to you? Can I ask how he's doing that and what would it take for you to feel comfortable around him? 

My SS has not ever expressed remorse for any of his actions. If anything, he blames me for not being understanding enough. He sees what he did as normal teen stuff (it was not normal teen stuff, it was bullying). If he had a change of heart and tried to make it up to me, I'm not sure if there's anything he could do to make me want to have a relationship with him. We're very different people, and now that he's 19 going on 20, I really don't have much motivation to form a bond. There's also the fact that I'm pretty sure he's still hostile towards me even if he puts up a polite front. But I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't try harder.

Anyway, I hope the BM and GF having a baby will be a positive development for everyone.

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

It seems that your SS has at least a little decency given that he's trying to make it up to you? Can I ask how he's doing that and what would it take for you to feel comfortable around him? 

During the summer, after his teasing, lies, and allegations, I left the house unless DH was home. I work from home and often times, DH would go to work, leaving me home with SS during the day. After everything we went through last summer, I refused to be alone with SS, which resulted in me leaving the house during the workdays and DH working from home to "babysit" SS. SS is more than capable of being independent and alone for the workday, but I worried about SS snooping around our house for BM and GF with 8 hours unsupervised. DH couldn't call SS out on the text messages without exposing that he went through the phone that BM and GF provided (which they would have locked down further) so DH addressed general negative attitude and respect in various conversations. SS doesn't know that we know specifically about the texts but I think he knows we know something. He spent several days anxious/sick - nauseous, vomiting, etc. following his actions and I think he felt guilty, knowing what he did was wrong, even if we didn't "know" he did it.

When I started leaving the house during the day, taking DD on outings just the two of us, and stopped doing things for SS over the summer, I think he felt the shift. I did a lot for him normally during visits - cooking nice meals, doing his laundry and tidying up after him, picking up things for him like his favorite snacks, drinks, etc. After his behavior towards me and DD, I stopped all of that and dumped it back on DH. When I stopped, SS noticed. He tried to regain my attention, trying to talk to me about my day, take interest in my interests, try to engage me more. It didn't work over the summer, because I was so ticked that I was done. I think since he left after summer, he realized that he did damage with lies and toxicity and thanks to his actions and BM/GF's bad influence, he lost a "Mom figure" that has been in his life since he was a baby. I wasn't talking to him on FaceTime calls with DH anymore, I wasn't reaching out, I wasn't doing extras like I used to.

Over the last few months, SS has texted me more, checking in on me. I have kept it pleasant but vague. He has talked to me more in recent months during calls with DH. He seems genuine in his interest and seems to know he messed up, even if he doesn't think I fully know what he did. I am still not fully welcoming him back with open arms and I am still very guarded. DH will be taking the entirety of Christmas week off to be home with SS, so I don't have to be alone with him while on maternity leave. Do I think I will ever fully re-engage, no, but if SS can demonstrate remorse, positive growth, and accountability, we may eventually be able to forge a decent relationship again.

Last edited by CastleJJ (11/06/2025 2:51 pm)

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

My 19 yo SS has zero remorse about his past behavior. We had a confrontation about a year and a half/2 years ago in which he told me that all he ever did was normal teen stuff, and I was cruel for holding that against him. I don't think so. He aggressively elbowed me out of the family line during my DH's dad's funeral when DH asked him to make room. He's done a lot of stuff that was hostile and mean. DH and he act like it's all par for the course for a teen who is the product of divorce.

Just remember, just because these kids are "children of divorce" or failed relationships does not give them a free pass to be rude, hostile, or entitled. Divorced parents isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays, it's not uncommon and shouldn't get to be used as a "poor me" play to act and be however you want. That mentality is what leads to emotionally immature, manipulative, entitled adults. DH needs to be holding SS accountable for his behavior and if he can't you are fully within your right to disengage to the fullest extent.

I will say, I feel fortunate that DH holds SS accountable when these things happen. SS sees DH and I as a united front so if SS attacks me, he attacks DH too and it will be addressed that his behavior is unacceptable. DH says that if his parenting pushes SS away, then so be it, but DH isn't going to allow SS to act that way.

SS will have an interesting next half dozen or so years. My SS was very defensive of the SpermClan and focused on being frustrated with us over the manipulation the SpermClan perpetrated about how our success and the quality of life SS was living IRL Vs the fabricated starvation that was going on in SpermLand for the three younger also out of wedlock half sibs by two other BMs.  As his eyes and brain gained clarity, through his late teens and into his early to mid 20s his perspectives shifted firmly to reality and accountability.

I would expect that as BM and GF deify their joint child, SS-13 will start to shift even more rapidly than he has been demonstrating recently.

I advise that you and DH stick with the facts.  As SS starts to oscillate more frequently in your direction as his life with BM/GF/Baby starts to hammer reality into his experiences, keep him abreast of the facts.  Listen, answer his questions, engage in direct conversation with him as he works through it.

It is not a quick easy button process. It is a long game, it shifts between calm positive progress and implosive drama.   We did not get to a reasonable state of status quo until our hit his mod 20s and formulated his own boundaries with them and with his mom and I.  It was about finding his space, his adult mind set, and engaging according to his own views and experiences.  He maintains contact with us and with my family.  He has no contact with the SpermClan and matches that with my IL clan.  He engages happily with his cousins, GPs, Uncle/Aunt in my spoke of his three famiy spokes.

Your SS may very well work through his version of all of this particularly considering how manipulative BM/GF have been.

Congratulations on completing the nursery, nearing completion on the basement young-man cave for SS, and on being in the final month +/- of baking Baby Girl #2.

 - I think that this is a mom/baby emoji.