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1 of 1- Kes
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The Lost Child
The hero, the scapegoat, the lost child and the mascot. These are roles that children take up in dysfunctional families. Mine was the lost child. For me the principle characteristic is a fear about taking up space in the world, and asserting one's right to have needs. Here is an article on it:
- Aniki-Moderator
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Re: The Lost Child
I dated a scapegoat. That family was a toxic nightmare and all were incapable or unwilling to change anything. He moved in with his mother 17 years ago and still lives with her.
- Rags
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Re: The Lost Child
Both of the above articles are important reads. Thank you for sharing them.
One of the articles mentioned that adults can take on these roles as well.
It appears to me that many failed family breeders who are dragging massive baggage, and sadly their new mates, take on the role of the enabler. They partner to enable the crap from the toxic X, they partner to enable the crap from the COD failed family baggage children.
While the emotion of all of that is not difficult to see, I still do not understand why either the failed family baggage wielding breeder or their new mate would take on the enabler role or tolerate the crap that the X or their children perpetrate.
It seems clear to me that though there is a specific identity for the Enabler in the 4 titled roles, all of them enable the disfunction with only slightly different caveats to how and why they enable.
Being very fortunate to have won the parent lottery, the childhood family experience lottery, the marriage lottery (the second time I bought a ticket), and having pretty much the Unicorn blended core family, why adults tolerate any of this is beyond me. Tolerating it and enabling it returns nothing but misery all around.
Confronting it is terrifyuing. I get that, however, taking a stand never turns out to be as bad as it tends to be built up in the mind to be. So, take the stand. Contrary to my usual bluster, I am conflict averse. Always have been. Even though I will no longer tolerate things that I once avoided confronting, it still is not my comfort zone. However, the ongoing misery of tolerance and enabling is something that I have learned to have zero tolerance for. So, I confront and address the perpetrators of the behaviors rather than facilitating their crap and being their eternal victim.
Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.
Last edited by Rags (10/13/2025 7:25 pm)
If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel. WLR
- MorningMia
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Re: The Lost Child
Kes wrote:
The hero, the scapegoat, the lost child and the mascot. These are roles that children take up in dysfunctional families. Mine was the lost child. For me the principle characteristic is a fear about taking up space in the world, and asserting one's right to have needs. Here is an article on it:
I bet these roles can change depending on the time/circumstances. I was definitely the scapegoat but I came out of it stronger. There were moments I was also the hero. Go figure. But the more I was scapegoated, the harder I "fought" back.
SD was definitely the hero, even when she was f'ing up. She has always been stuck to her mother's side like some kind of deranged defender. She is a deeply damaged person who is weak-willed and people-pleasing while pretending to be a strong warrior. For all the confidence she exudes, it's "surprising" that she has a using, useless, much-too-traditional husband who dumps everything--childcare for 4 children, breadwinning, homemaking, etc.--on her. You go, warrior girl!
SS, on the other hand, was a scapegoat until he came back into the HCBM fold. Then, once he realigned with mommy and sister, he grew into the mascot. A real barrel of monkeys he is.
Both skids have serious identity issues just like their mother.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.