She played the "Daddy, looook attttt meeeeeee being nice!" game.  She is sniffing daddy's butt. Nothing more, nothing less.

Never fall for the trolling that those proven to be who and what they are try to hook you with.   That DH wants to jerk a knot in her tail is a good thing. IMHO. Though that likely would put you in the bad guy position.

It's very disappointing that after a gap of 6 years, SD is still exhibiting the same old behaviours. I think you're right to pull back and not give her anything at Xmas.  

My story is a bit similar, Standing Strong.  I have a 40+ year old SD, I've been married over 30 years (she was 12 when we married) and she's been snotty and/or passive aggressive toward me for at least 30 of those years.  I've tried everything... being patient, staying quiet, understanding, loving, giving, including her on all holidays and some really lovely vacations (the only boundary I've kept is to not let her move back in, although she has tried several times).   But if I ever kindly say boo about her life, she jumps down my throat so quickly, it's horrible.  My husband has never corrected her and told her to not be rude to me, BTW.  So, this is his fault too.

She's had endless drama with men, lots of financial problems, etc.  She claims mental health problems but nothing justifies her behaviors toward me (she has cut her mom out of her life due to emotional abuse by her mom, who never had custody of her).  At this point, I am removing myself from her presence since her huge blowup at me last Spring. It was disgusting!!  We have not spoken since then.  In the past, I would let it go and always move on, including her in family get togethers.  But now she is 40+ years old; I can no longer take this. It's tragic because she had me, all the love I tried to give her...she just can't relate to me at all. I wanted to and tried to love her as much as my bio kids (my husband and I have 2 grown kids of our own who are thriving).
.
But similar to your SD, Standing Strong, my SD in recent months has given me a big bear hug in front of her father or in front of extended family members.  In a group chat with my bio kids and her dad, she expressed concern for me after a medical procedure.  But one on one, no text wishing me well, no birthday wish, no mother's day wish (I was a custodial stepmom with her), etc.  ANY JESTURE SHE MAKES IS ALL FOR SHOW.  She is hugely manipulative, like her horrible mother.  I tried sooooo hard for soooo long, I just do not want to try any longer. Thus, my name of "soverytired".

My problem is, I want to please God and my husband.  Am I being unkind to not keep trying??  I've worked on this for many months (actually years, because she has caused me tremendous angst for 30 years!) and I believe I must remove myself from her presence.  Her father seems to accept this, although he is sad about it.  The holdiays are coming up and she may be alone (she's not married). But who's fault is that?  She has difficulty with intimate relationships in general.  Ugh.  Anyway, I admire your ability to stand strong!! Actually, that's a great name.  I'm going to try my best to stand stong as well.  Thanks for posting.

Aniki-Moderator wrote:

soverytired wrote:

My problem is, I want to please God and my husband.  Am I being unkind to not keep trying??

First of all, soverytired... {{{hugs}}}

Secondly, in no way do I think you're being unkind to not keep trying. That act is both physically and mentally exhausting and akin to banging your head against a wall. You know it's all an act with her. Treat her like a crappy coworker: be polite, but distant. You can make small talk with someone without being personal.

If you need words of encouragement, we're here for you. 

I agree with this.

Here's how I would kind of deal with it.  I see no point in chasing a relationship with an adult who is not interested in one... but I also understand the perspective that they are a relative via our partner's..so they are not totally unavoidable.

So, it's a superficial situation for me at that point.. nice enough but not going out of my way to engage.. not causing drama either. In their presence.. treat them like that coworker you must deal with... and any kindness.. frame it as being kind as a favor to your spouse.

That kind of goes for things like buying holiday gifts.. I know women are often in that role for their husbands.. if that is the case.. and he expects you to do that for this kid.. you do it as if he were doing it.. as a favor to HIM.. not as a gift to her.

soverytired - So, this is his fault too.

I would say that it is entirely DH's fault. He created it, he facilitates, he chooses not to correct it.

Not only do you have to defend yourself from your noxious spawn of an SD, you also have to be constantly aware and warry that DH will do nothing about her.

Take care of you.  

ESMOD wrote:

Aniki-Moderator wrote:

soverytired wrote:

My problem is, I want to please God and my husband.  Am I being unkind to not keep trying??

First of all, soverytired... {{{hugs}}}

Secondly, in no way do I think you're being unkind to not keep trying. That act is both physically and mentally exhausting and akin to banging your head against a wall. You know it's all an act with her. Treat her like a crappy coworker: be polite, but distant. You can make small talk with someone without being personal.

If you need words of encouragement, we're here for you. 

I agree with this.

Here's how I would kind of deal with it.  I see no point in chasing a relationship with an adult who is not interested in one... but I also understand the perspective that they are a relative via our partner's..so they are not totally unavoidable.

So, it's a superficial situation for me at that point.. nice enough but not going out of my way to engage.. not causing drama either. In their presence.. treat them like that coworker you must deal with... and any kindness.. frame it as being kind as a favor to your spouse.

That kind of goes for things like buying holiday gifts.. I know women are often in that role for their husbands.. if that is the case.. and he expects you to do that for this kid.. you do it as if he were doing it.. as a favor to HIM.. not as a gift to her.

Esmod, thanks for responding but I've been kind, included Sd in all family gatherings, many vacations, bought the SD endless things, etc.  I've done all this for the sake of my husband but also for the sake of my SD, trying to show her love.  I will not buy her any gifts for Christmas.  None.  My husband can do her shopping.  She has not ever done anything for me or even for her father.  She is so self centered.  As I type all of this, I wonder why I'm still struggling to cut all ties with her.  I have too much sympathy for her, darn it!

soverytired wrote:

My story is a bit similar, Standing Strong.  I have a 40+ year old SD, I've been married over 30 years (she was 12 when we married) and she's been snotty and/or passive aggressive toward me for at least 30 of those years.  I've tried everything... being patient, staying quiet, understanding, loving, giving, including her on all holidays and some really lovely vacations (the only boundary I've kept is to not let her move back in, although she has tried several times).   But if I ever kindly say boo about her life, she jumps down my throat so quickly, it's horrible.  My husband has never corrected her and told her to not be rude to me, BTW.  So, this is his fault too.

She's had endless drama with men, lots of financial problems, etc.  She claims mental health problems but nothing justifies her behaviors toward me (she has cut her mom out of her life due to emotional abuse by her mom, who never had custody of her).  At this point, I am removing myself from her presence since her huge blowup at me last Spring. It was disgusting!!  We have not spoken since then.  In the past, I would let it go and always move on, including her in family get togethers.  But now she is 40+ years old; I can no longer take this. It's tragic because she had me, all the love I tried to give her...she just can't relate to me at all. I wanted to and tried to love her as much as my bio kids (my husband and I have 2 grown kids of our own who are thriving).
.
But similar to your SD, Standing Strong, my SD in recent months has given me a big bear hug in front of her father or in front of extended family members.  In a group chat with my bio kids and her dad, she expressed concern for me after a medical procedure.  But one on one, no text wishing me well, no birthday wish, no mother's day wish (I was a custodial stepmom with her), etc.  ANY JESTURE SHE MAKES IS ALL FOR SHOW.  She is hugely manipulative, like her horrible mother.  I tried sooooo hard for soooo long, I just do not want to try any longer. Thus, my name of "soverytired".

My problem is, I want to please God and my husband.  Am I being unkind to not keep trying??  I've worked on this for many months (actually years, because she has caused me tremendous angst for 30 years!) and I believe I must remove myself from her presence.  Her father seems to accept this, although he is sad about it.  The holdiays are coming up and she may be alone (she's not married). But who's fault is that?  She has difficulty with intimate relationships in general.  Ugh.  Anyway, I admire your ability to stand strong!! Actually, that's a great name.  I'm going to try my best to stand stong as well.  Thanks for posting.

Sorry! I’m late! But you got great advice!!

I have a strong faith. What I know is God does not expect us to take abuse. Proper boundaries are necessary when dealing with toxic people. If you like to read, Lysa TerKeurst has two books I recommend. Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.


Take care of YOU.