Yay!!! Everyone took the high road so the wedding was drama free. That IS a great gift! So nice to read this. 

SS23 recently proposed to his gf and BioHo is already creating drama. SD32 is hoping that SS23 will see the light and NOT invite their nightmare of a mother. 
 

AgedOut wrote:

First, hi!
Second, make sure you're sitting down before you read this. 



All set?
It was one of the best weddings I've ever been to including my own. 
And BM?
I decided early on to kind of be nice to her because I knew she had no one from her side coming so she'd be alone. I put myself in her shoes and said "fark it, I'm being nice". And my Mr? He did the same. Weird? yes but worth it big YES. At the set up the day before we tippy toed with kindness. Just little things like saying hi and being friendly. Then at the rehearsal we walked down the aisle right behind SS escorting her. I took the third seat so my Mr and BM got the best views of their son's vows. And at the rehearsal dinner she came to us and asked if she could sit with us. 
Wedding day we got to the venue early so my Mr could do the Dad of the Groom stuff. She arrived after we did so I called her into the are the bride and her crew were in. 

Shockingly, it went really really well and you could see the tension leave SS's body when he realized we were making sure she wasn't standing too alone. Even the Mr's family, her ex-in-laws were polite and kind to her. 

Will we be getting together for fondue parties and wine tastings? no. Do I hate her, still no. But most importantly, my Mr realized the fire of hatred he had been keeping stoked has gone out. We won't be friends but we aren't enemies any more and that I think was the best wedding gift we could have given SS. 


I know my story is an oddity but for us it worked out the way it should. 

 
 

I'm so happy for SS and his bride that their wedding was drama free.   The kindness you and DH showed to BM was a kindness that returned benefits.  SS saw it and he was calmed by it.  

That said, past behavior being the most accurate indicator of future performance, do not overly invest in expectations of reasonableness from BM going forward.  Odds of that, are slim and none at best.

These types are who they are and most frequently never evolve beyond that.

At least that is the case in my experience.

My DW would take any element of other than unreasonable and toxic behavior from the opposition as them having changed.  That she tolerated zero from them for months or years drove them to keep a lid on their usual stuff.  BM being an empath and the kindest person I have ever known would disconnect their not repeating their usual manipulative toxicity from the reality that her heel on their throats made that happen.  When she would lift her heel, they would immediately revert to their usual historic behavior.  It broke her heart every time it happened, yet she continued to cycle between heel to their throats and kind trust that they had changed.  

After a few of these 1-2 year cycles, she finally retained clarity of what reality was and never again gave them an opportunity to relapse into their historic toxic manipulative attacking behavior.  We were all much happier when DW gained that clarity.

Except for the opposition of course. But then again, who cares about them?  Certainly not me.  
 

Rags wrote:

AgedOut wrote:

First, hi!
Second, make sure you're sitting down before you read this. 



All set?
It was one of the best weddings I've ever been to including my own. 
And BM?
I decided early on to kind of be nice to her because I knew she had no one from her side coming so she'd be alone. I put myself in her shoes and said "fark it, I'm being nice". And my Mr? He did the same. Weird? yes but worth it big YES. At the set up the day before we tippy toed with kindness. Just little things like saying hi and being friendly. Then at the rehearsal we walked down the aisle right behind SS escorting her. I took the third seat so my Mr and BM got the best views of their son's vows. And at the rehearsal dinner she came to us and asked if she could sit with us. 
Wedding day we got to the venue early so my Mr could do the Dad of the Groom stuff. She arrived after we did so I called her into the are the bride and her crew were in. 

Shockingly, it went really really well and you could see the tension leave SS's body when he realized we were making sure she wasn't standing too alone. Even the Mr's family, her ex-in-laws were polite and kind to her. 

Will we be getting together for fondue parties and wine tastings? no. Do I hate her, still no. But most importantly, my Mr realized the fire of hatred he had been keeping stoked has gone out. We won't be friends but we aren't enemies any more and that I think was the best wedding gift we could have given SS. 


I know my story is an oddity but for us it worked out the way it should. 

 
 

I'm so happy for SS and his bride that their wedding was drama free.   The kindness you and DH showed to BM was a kindness that returned benefits.  SS saw it and he was calmed by it.  

That said, past behavior being the most accurate indicator of future performance, do not overly invest in expectations of reasonableness from BM going forward.  Odds of that, are slim and none at best.

These types are who they are and most frequently never evolve beyond that.

At least that is the case in my experience.

My DW would take any element of other than unreasonable and toxic behavior from the opposition as them having changed.  That she tolerated zero from them for months or years drove them to keep a lid on their usual stuff.  BM being an empath and the kindest person I have ever known would disconnect their not repeating their usual manipulative toxicity from the reality that her heel on their throats made that happen.  When she would lift her heel, they would immediately revert to their usual historic behavior.  It broke her heart every time it happened, yet she continued to cycle between heel to their throats and kind trust that they had changed.  

After a few of these 1-2 year cycles, she finally retained clarity of what reality was and never again gave them an opportunity to relapse into their historic toxic manipulative attacking behavior.  We were all much happier when DW gained that clarity.

Except for the opposition of course. But then again, who cares about them?  Certainly not me.  
 

I don't know if she changed but that's a her issue not an us issue. We don't "like" her but we do tolerate her and since we will be sharing grandchildren it beat the hell out of us carrying the baggage of the past. 

Even my two sons & their wives said it was just a really great wedding. I'm okay with being a part of that!! 

Good for you! We took the high road, too, at SD's wedding (I got up and dragged DH with me to BM's table at the rehearsal dinner--it was only her and her father sitting there, and she was trying to get SS to join them, which he eventually did). I chatted up BM during the whole dinner.  
But we were still treated like . Mid-way through the reception, though, we had enough and took off.

So glad this worked out for you all!  

Last edited by MorningMia (10/31/2025 12:14 pm)