The one thing that may be harder than actually doing it alone is doing it alone when you supposedly have a partner.

IMHO, in the situation you describe your focus has to be protecting your own DD from your DH's first family baggage. Sadly this includes BM, your SS-10, and even your ILs.  This poor kid (SS-10) is wallowing in the pool of his BM who is using the kid as a cash cow and a manipulation tool against your DH, you, your DD, and has assimilated your ILs as her proxies.

You mentioned that DH loads a debit card for SS.  Why is he giving the kid money directly?  If that is the case. 

With these types of highly manipulative failed adults and parents on the blended family opposition side a court order with a CS order element is the best tool for managing the whole situation and the best weapon to keep the idiot parent in the opposition under control.  

Unfortunately, it is often not possible to effectively defend the SKids from the toxicity of their custodial parent in the blended family opposition..  

For sure your DH needs to stop providing BM with any funds beyond the COd CS.  His participation in paying for SS's dental care should be only in the form of direct payment for the dental services made only directly to the dental office.  No more giving BM cash other than in direct CS payments to either the Child Support Enforcement office or via direct payroll withholding.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you and your DD-7

Nachom0m wrote:

I believe wanting a divorce doesn't come from me being a solo mom, it's rooted in the fact that I feel sort of guilty. Guilty because I think that DH might be a better parent to him if me and DD weren't here.  ,,,,, I guess overthinking its taking a toll on me. 

Why would you feel guilty about the parenting failures of your DH and his former breeding partner?   Yes, I agree that you are overthinking, and it is taking a toll on you. Make no mistake, it is also taking a toll on your DD.

IMHO it is time to cut all financial input to BM to $zero other than what DH is court ordered to pay in CS.  BM should not be calling for a Cent. Ever.  CS, and CS only.  Any payments beyond CS have to be clearly defined in the court order and paid directly to the provider of whatever service DH is court ordered to participate in.  No negotiable instruments go to BM beyond the CS.  Even CS should have to vector through the State via payment to the CSE office or via direct payroll withholding.  That way, there is zero need for any interface with BM other than to arrange visitation travel.

While with these types it is nearly impossible to completely limit interface to only necessary elements, it is far better to cut them off as much as possible and keep them on a very short lead tied to their porcine nose rings than to let them run amok through our lives, marriages, and the lives of our unrelated children.

Unfortunately, a divorce will not free you from this. Your DD shares half of her gene pool with that sh!t show and will have interface with them via her father.  If your marriage is otherwise good, I think going zero tolerance on your DH for any interface other than with your SS, and only via COd CS may provide you with the separation you need to at least minimize the sh!t show of disfunction that your DH seems bent on maintaining with his failed former breeding partner and all of his associated baggage.  Your SS will benefit if his time with his father is as isolated from BM as is possible.  DH will not be a better father to SS if you are gone.  If anything, DH will be a far worse father to your DD if you are gone.  You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

1. He takes him to the DR, but there's only so much an individual can do if both of them are not on the same page about their child's health. 

2.He works away and comes 2-8 times a month, it always feels rushed but we manage to at least go out to eat or take a small road trip if time allows it. He then spends time with SS before he leaves for work again which is usually a Sunday. 

3. We are not his "dirty little secret" they all know we exist. When DD turned 1 we threw a big party for her and DH invited all his family members despite them not making an effort of getting to know her prior. They also attended to our wedding. They know where we live and SIL who lives 2 houses away from MIL'S home has my phone number they just chose not be around. MIL did get a streak where she visited regularly, but it didn't last long. We talked about this and the best decision is to keep them away because we are never winning this battle. They all enable BM's behavior although has gone as far as accusing MIL of hitting the child and getting police involved, she also shows up to their homes and makes scenes and she still had the audacity to move 2 blocks away from them LOL.