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1 of 1- MorningMia
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Stages of Steplife?
Are we nuts for ever thinking (or hoping) that things remain the same, that we get to a place of being settled with all the step crap and it will stay that way?
DH has not said a word to me about whatever truly triggered him before getting so nasty with me once he returned from his last SD visit. He's been kind to me ever since then, but something is different. He acted very indignant about another of his family members asking about his visit with SD and asking how SD is doing. He insinuated that they wanted "dirt" on her, so he just replied, "She's good." He acted oddly defensive.
A little while ago, I hear him obliterating our packing tape. Finally, I go to the other room and ask what he is doing. Oh, he is packing up a care package for SD with items from our home (remember our security cameras once captured him giving her a rug and cash in our driveway). He assured me these were things he bought and that have sat in storage. Of course, the box is taped up like Fort Knox, so I take his word for it.
It makes me wonder about stages in all of this:
For us, Stage 1 was "honeymoon." While there were noises from BM, everything else was fine. I thought everything would be fine.
Stage 2 was shortly after we married and all hell broke loose. For 2 years.
Stage 3 was counseling and setting boundaries and getting back on track.
Stage 4 was me setting even stronger boundaries after we gave the skids another chance and it was met with horrible behavior. Then a really long peaceful period interrupted by just a few lashings (the wedding being one of them).
Rebound or relapse when DH got sick.
Stage 5 Done. We are in agreement that skids are not allowed in our home again after the horrendous "helping" visit when DH was ill. I finally disengage like never before. It is peaceful. I thought we were staying there. It's been 3 years.
NOW...What the hell is this?
DH came home angry from his visit--anger directed at me.
DH is angry at the relative who asked about SD because they are looking for dirt on her.
DH is packing up crap in a big box to mail to SD.
I knew the grands were going to be used as dangling carrots. Now there's a whole batch of them. Is it the sheer numbers that have gotten to him? Maybe. But there is something more, something else going on, and he's not talking about it. I do know that SD is in deep st re: finances. Her own doing.
Something inside of me is shifting. It's not like this is huge or all-consuming. But it is self-preservation and the unwillingness to go backwards. I am actually looking for better-paying work at this point. Just in case.
It will be interesting to see what Stage 6 might be.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- JRI
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Re: Stages of Steplife?
It's financial. SD either overtly or implied financial distress and the poor little children's faces imprinted it on him. And, your DH, like mine, implied that you were holding him back from helping her.
Last edited by JRI (9/13/2026 12:21 pm)
- MorningMia
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Re: Stages of Steplife?
JRI wrote:
It's financial. SD either overtly or implied financial distress and the poor little children's faces imprinted it on him. And, your DH, like mine, implied that you were holding him back from helping her.
I agree 120% with your first two sentences. Looking back, it's always been financial (except for early-on desires for full control of our lives, which was likely finance-related, too). As for your last sentence, it would have been SD implying or outright stating that I was holding him back, and the guilt resurfaced in him. (That would have been a conversation she and her mother would have had before his visit.) JRI, I think you are onto something here.
SD was always an obedient BM cheerleader and flying monkey. I had a feeling she would become a mini-me as well. Maybe that day has arrived.
Last edited by MorningMia (9/13/2026 1:02 pm)
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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Thread Starter- JRI
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Re: Stages of Steplife?
My DH isn't strong and/or realistic enough to tell our SD "I don't want to hear your never-ending problems that are mostly your own fault", or "I'm tired of giving you money that you'll waste anyway", or "I don't really want to talk to you or see you, no offense". So, it's more convenient to use me as a shield or an excuse. It's especially useful now that I'm handling all finances due to his oncoming dementia. The unspoken message is "I'd give you plenty of $ to solve all your problems, SD, except SHE won't let me".
- ESMOD
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Re: Stages of Steplife?
Stage 6... I guess is the stage where he has to figure out where HE wants to be in all of this.
Stage 5 was mostly for "you"... you were done.. the boundary that they don't come in the home.. perfectly reasonable. IMHO.. but he wasn't "done" with his child.. hence the current visits.
So stage 6 is where he lives in the current reality.. but may not always LIKE it. And like people who are forced to accept something they may not necessarily like.. or be comfortable with.. they can be mad at the person who set those boundaries. He is mad at the situation.. he likely wishes he could make everyone happy.. that you would accept his kid.. but he does know that you can't.. for pretty good reason.. but that still doesn't make him happy with the situation. Like a lot of people.. he gets mad at you.. because he doesn't want to take ownership of things that brought you to this point.
- MorningMia
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Re: Stages of Steplife?
Stage 6... I guess is the stage where he has to figure out where HE wants to be in all of this.
Stage 5 was mostly for "you"... you were done.. the boundary that they don't come in the home.. perfectly reasonable. IMHO.. but he wasn't "done" with his child.. hence the current visits.
So stage 6 is where he lives in the current reality.. but may not always LIKE it. And like people who are forced to accept something they may not necessarily like.. or be comfortable with.. they can be mad at the person who set those boundaries. He is mad at the situation.. he likely wishes he could make everyone happy.. that you would accept his kid.. but he does know that you can't.. for pretty good reason.. but that still doesn't make him happy with the situation. Like a lot of people.. he gets mad at you.. because he doesn't want to take ownership of things that brought you to this point.
This above in bold. What is very strange is that he was at a place where he was ok with seeing his kids once or twice a year, almost as if out of some sense of obligation. Never even seemed to enjoy the visits. Then after the visit before this one, he said that was his last one. He KNOWS his kids do not respect him. His son-in-law is cold to him. His daughter's in-laws are nearby and act like jerks. Then there is BM.
He knows the skids do not acknowledge his existence publicly (I mean, that one in itself would do me in). To continue with this, in my view, is groveling. To grovel to them AND get mad at me is insane--and going not one, two, or three steps back, but about 20. He honestly hasn't fully been himself since he returned from that last trip. It's as if some crisis occurred, some jarring incident. He has seemed eerily out of it. Unless he had some sort of nervous breakdown that happened to coincide with visiting his daughter. WTH.
Me? I'm going away next weekend. Without him.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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Thread Starter- ImperfectlyPerfect
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Re: Stages of Steplife?
Sorry you are going through this @MorningMia- definitely SKID is after $ and...your DH is not looking at himself but deciding to project all this stuff onto you. Stay neutral, firm and then yes to going on a peaceful weekend without him. Sorry you are going through this...