Dahlia8448 wrote:

We have my partners middle child (call her L) 15yo F staying with us and going to the local school here. (A long story!)
Anyway, so many things come to light when a kid is actually living with you as opposed to just weekend stays.
L had to pack up her clothes etc to move over here, they only live half an hour away so it is not a trek, come to find out no one bothered to pack up a coat for her. We live in a very cold state, and she is expected to walk to school (10mins) so it’s another trip back to get her coat.
L was also expected to finish extra homework this weekend, she struggles with online work so her mom kept the tv off while she worked. L sat there zoned out, didn’t get it done, BM didn’t bother to check and instead complained that she (BM) didn’t get to play her video games, instead of being upset her child couldn’t finish the work. My partner checked later and found out it hand t been done.
L has had a clicking sound from her jaw for months now whenever she eats, like you can hear it across the room. I’ve asked about it, was told “it’ll be taken care of”, BM never had it looked at so my partner made a doctor appt for her.
It’s a million little stupid, asinine things like this that feel like being pecked to death by a duck. If my partner confronts his ex, he gets nonsense stories or guilt trips/tears. With L now living with us, he’s starting to see the truth of things, and take control of more issues. I feel this will be good for L.
I guess I just want to say that no matter how long it takes, truth and consequences eventually come to light, and while I want to sometimes scream, the truth coming out in a way that helps the kids is a very good thing.

It is a very good thing.  Facts are important and they far more often than not are the antidote to toxicity from the shallow and polluted end of a kid's gene pool.  That side does not like it, but it does work when applied within a zero-tolerance model.  Rather than tolerating the nonsense stories or guilt trips/tears from BM DH might consider going zero call and all MFW app on her. No communication where she can easily turn on the tears, or apply guilt trips, or tell bull-nonsense stories.

The jaw click sounds like TMJ to me.  I had it at one point.  It faded on its own for me.  I hope that is the case for your SD.

I'm glad that L is getting a better experience than she has had, that your DH is gaining clarity, and you are seeing improvement in all of it.

Take care of you. 

Good luck with this! Your SD is lucky that she has responsible adults caring for her. I'm just SMH. 

The BM in our lives (in the past) hid MANY things from DH and was an expert at teaching the skids to hide and lie as well. It's amazing how many people are taught to get through life like that. And, yes, it all comes out eventually. Or most of it. 

I have to say: I’m constantly blown away by how little these teens do/know how to do. 15yo put away wet towels in the closet, (!!) (WHY), pretended she was in the bathroom to my partner when he asked about her homework progress…for 3 hours, yeah ok totally.
  He told me I should tell her not to put away wet laundry. I just turned around and left the room. Yes I know communication etc etc, but it’s been quite a week and I wasn’t in the mood to say painfully obvious things without losing my temper…it feels like talking to toddlers and it’s a teenager!! It feels like the equivalent of “ok, now when you hold a knife, don’t hold the pointy bit!”
    Jesus take the wheel, and drive daft kids into Remotely Sensible Town. I still feel it will improve, as it’s early days yet, and at least she’s not 24/7 with someone who doesn’t teach them jack anymore.

JRI wrote:

We had this stuff, too, when my 3 SKs moved in one at a time.  SD had braces but BM didn't always take her for the adjustments.  OSS had some kind of leg Injury that needed stitches.  Dental care had not been routine. The fog of time has thankfully made me forget a lot of it but I felt like I was starting from scratch, .not continuing their current care. 

The depravity and levels of pathetic that the shallow and polluted end of a COD's gene pool can propagate is mind numbing.

We were fortunate that our CO was long distance, DW had full physical and legal custody and visitation was fixed.  If missed, there was no make up of time, rolling foreword, etc... Use it or lose it.  One thing, of many, that stood out was how the health and safety of the kids (SS, his three younger half sibs by two other baby mamas) was less than an afterthought for that side of my SKid's gene pool.

Dental care... never happened for the three  younger half sibs.  Injury... rub dirt on it and get on with getting on.   Though when something would happen with SS when on SpermLand visitation DW's phone would ring with a call from SS at the behest of SpermGrandHag.  It never was direct. It was always some circuitous rambling that took several calls, a ton of mind-boggling iterations and us grilling them in a Q&A until the core reason for the call was arrived at.  The one incident of many that is permanently burned into my brain was a call when SS called to ask "Grandma wants to know when my last Tetanus shot was?"  Then the back and forth commenced.  DW refused to continue to speak with SS on it and instructed him to have the Hag call her.  Not on SS's phone but on the Hags' phone.  That is a long story for another day though.  It took several calls for it to surface that the SpermClan was camping at a lake, and SS got a rusty fishhook stuck in his thigh while swimming with his sibs.  DW and I were on a weekend trip to Cape May on the shore. The hag railed that we had to immediately drive home and provide her with the date of SS's last Tetanus shot. Nope.  No concern over getting the hook out of SS's  leg or getting him an updated shot. Just committed avoidance.

Last edited by Rags (1/16/2026 12:56 pm)

Rags: I’m totally on board with consequences! I just wish everyone else involved was as well. My partner has reached the end of his rope and is calling out the lame excuses, which is helping. I understand teenage “brain farts”, but I also think helping to fix the mess they made is the best learning tool. No yelling or threats, just “ok, now you will fix/help fix the mess you left, the rest of the world will not step in to be your personal maid”!

  BM does next to nothing re teaching them how to do anything, and I don’t get it at all because in the end, it just makes her own life harder as well.

Dahlia8448 wrote:

Rags: I’m totally on board with consequences! I just wish everyone else involved was as well. My partner has reached the end of his rope and is calling out the lame excuses, which is helping. I understand teenage “brain farts”, but I also think helping to fix the mess they made is the best learning tool. No yelling or threats, just “ok, now you will fix/help fix the mess you left, the rest of the world will not step in to be your personal maid”!

BM does next to nothing re teaching them how to do anything, and I don’t get it at all because in the end, it just makes her own life harder as well.

In my experience, those who engage a kid to participate and learn end up being the go-to people in that kid's life for the long term.   The best example I have is my parents.  They are the go-to GPs, home base, and actively engaged by their kids/GKs/GGK in our family.  My SS considers my parents to be his home base and only truly recognized GPs out of the nearly countless GPs, GGPs he has had in his life.  He has zero to do with his SpermClan and those GPs, nearly nothing to do with my wife's family, and is highly engaged with my parents and my family.  My parents and my family have never considered him anything other than theirs.  He is theirs. They are all his.  Period. Dot.

My niece and my nephews are the same way with my parents. Highly involved, call regularly, and call back when mom and dad regularly reach out to them.  Their mom's parents and SParents have never been particularly engaging, and the kids invest commensurate to the investment that their other GPs/SGPs make.   Even my brother's kids', partners are super fans of my parents.

Kids are smart. They know who their REAL people are.  At least the ones who have not submerged themselves into the toxic Kool-Aid on the noxious side of their gene pool if they are cursed with one.