@kas, I get what you are saying and I appreciate you sharing your experience. I really do think some teens respond better when they feel trusted and treated like young adults. The problem here is that SD13 already gets plenty of freedom. Honestly, probably more than most kids her age since DW and I try not to dwell so much on her. DW gives her space, lets her make choices, and only steps in when the behavior crosses a line.The issue is not lack of freedom. The issue is what she does with it. It is unsafe. DW struggles to ignore it. It doesn't affect me but DW is on my back about it.On top of that, she is extremely disrespectful. Not just to DW but to me too. DW can barely say a normal sentence without attitude coming back. We are not micromanaging her. We are literally just asking for basic respect and communication. Things like letting us know where she is, putting her dishes away, coming home at a reasonable time. Very normal expectations.I and DW are open to giving her more autonomy where it makes sense. DW just does not know how to do that safely when she uses that freedom to run off whenever she wants.Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Last edited by BlendedMess (12/01/2025 11:56 pm)

I've read a couple of books that may be helpful "How to talk so your teens will listen and listen so your teens will talk" and "Stop Struggling with your Teen"
Good luck, the teen years are challenging. Is there any other trusted adult that your SD could spend time with or even live with for awhile? Your poor wife is probably exhausted. What about boarding school?  I also highly recommend the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program. Maybe consider getting her a Big Sister. It does sound like she is desperate for attention and needs good role models.
 

Last edited by Meera (12/01/2025 11:13 pm)

Thank you for the suggestions @Meera, I honestly appreciate it. DW is definitely exhausted, and we’re trying to look at every angle, but it’s complicated. SD doesn’t really have another trusted adult she’d willingly spend time with, she goes to BD's house weekly. BD would not agree to boarding school. Counsellor assumed she struggles with feeling unwanted, so sending her away isn’t something DW would want to consider unless there was absolutely no other option. DW tries to include her after the counsellor said that, but SD finds it "annoying." We’ve tried involving counsellors, teachers, and other supports, but she shuts down the moment anyone tries to connect with her. I’m open to looking into Big Brothers/Big Sisters. It does feel like she’s craving attention, but she rejects every form of support the moment it shows up. That’s the part we’re struggling to get past.   

Last edited by BlendedMess (12/01/2025 11:57 pm)

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

I'm not sure how long you've known SD, nor whether you got along with her prior to her teen phase, but I just wanted to chime in to say that it's a lot more difficult to weather the bad times if you didn't already have a bond and history with the child. It sounds like you want advice for your wife, but make sure you have compassion for yourself too.

  Thank you for your words. I've known SD since she was 8 years old. She has never been pleased with sharing her mother with others - it's a ridiculous personal issue she carries. 
 

SD13 needs structure and boundaries and kids do need to face consequences for poor choices. She will not naturally respect rules without limits and failing to enforce discipline consistently can lead to worse outcomes later in life. I also understand your point that kids sometimes need to learn the hard way and that consequences must be clear and unavoidable. I do not disagree with that in principle.That said, some of the approaches are not safe or realistic in our situation. DW has a past CPS history that still affects how any situation is interpreted. Even though the files were cleared long before I came into the picture, anything that could be seen as harsh or neglectful could trigger a report. With two toddlers and a baby on the way, DW cannot risk something being misread. That is why escalating punishment to the extreme such as stripping her room to bare walls, involving police repeatedly, or publicly humiliating her is not something we can safely do. The first time SD13 ran away, she was gone until two in the morning. Police were called, and instead of focusing on SD13, they directed most of their frustration at DW. That experience alone shows how quickly things can escalate in a way that is out of our control.DW already confiscates everything for prolonged periods of time, she only gets her device back when she returns to her BD's house. SD13 is already making herself suffer. She refuses her room and refuses her bed that has been newly moved to the basement as her old room has been stripped for the nursery already. She personally chooses to sleep on a blanket on the basement floorboards. DW chooses her battles, and if SD does it out of stubborness or drama, DW and I do not give an ef. DW thinks adding more consequences on top of her own self-imposed suffering does not make her behave better. DW's goal is to enforce structure and discipline but also to keep her safe and prevent her emotional state from tipping into something irreversible, as she carries that worry atop everything else. I try to support her.DW has dragged SD to CBT before - did not go well. Every teen is different and SD13 is not the same as others, DW implies. That is why the methods have to consider DW’s past, the risk to the younger children, and the fact that piling suffering on top of suffering can be dangerous. We are trying to navigate the balance between firm consequences and keeping her safe. The LO's are kept away from her as much as possible throughout it all, of course.

SD is at BD’s this week, and honestly the break is needed. We are just trying to keep the peace while keeping everyone safe and functioning.