Well done for being honest with your SO, and please don't blame yourself for wasting your time or for possible damage to your own kids - you tried to make it work - you didn't intend to hurt anyone. Motivation is everything.  None of us is the perfect parent to our own kids - I know that like you, because of marital issues with  my first husband, I wasn't present for my daughters in their teens.  I wish I could go back and do it over, but we can't.  I have talked to them and expressed my regrets of how it all happened. Be gentle with yourself in the weeks and months ahead - I hope it gets better for you now. 

Don't regret a thing.  Take it all as a huge lesson. Never date a guy with skids again! Breakups are hard and they come with alot of 'what if's'.  Your new 'what if' is... what if I can be happier? And you can.  And you will be.  I envy you, but applaud you.  You have got this, girl.  Happier times are ahead for you and your family x

Last edited by LifeIsTough (10/20/2025 8:03 am)

What’s crazy is that now he’s going to have to do what i wanted him to do in the first place. Keep the master bedroom for himself and give her a regular bedroom. I would have been ok with that and maintaining the status quo until the youngest skid drives and BM2 no longer has to come to his house for daily exchanges every other week. That was supposed to be the plan! And i know SO’s narrative will be that he’s this hero dad trying to save his baby and i was the selfish beeyotch who stood in the way.

SD28 (29 in a few months) hasn’t even come yet. 3 “move-in” days have come and gone and she gives an excuse every time. She called crying because she wanted a new vehicle. And not a car but an SUV so she can be “higher off the ground.” She didn’t ask to move states and live with him, he made it a condition of getting her the SUV. She is clearly not homeless a month after the date she told him she would be. I think he has just always wanted his kids home forever. She may not even come, but he shut down any questions i had about the situation. “Give her some space, don’t spook her!”

He wanted a house full of dependent adults more than he wanted to move forward and make a life with me. What sucks is that i took steps to get my kids independent so we could move forward and now i’m an empty nester alone in this house.

But that doesn’t suck. I know that. My kids are where they should be. It’s me who isn’t, mentally anyway. I don’t know whether to allow myself to grieve and ruminate for a few days or just try to forget all this. I want to at least take away lessons from this debacle but i don’t want to get stuck here.

I appreciate all of you guys.

Wow Rumple. That truly sucks. Im sorry you are going through this, but hey, at least its a clean break, sort of.

Dear Rumple, please do not beat yourself up over what might have been. The past is over and cannot be changed, accept that. Look to the future and make it the best you possibly can. Above all, be kind to yourself.

Sorry to hear this. I think he's really lost and just so overly enmeshed with his kids... It's all such unhealthy behavior.   We are all here to listen and help. Sorry it played out this way. What he's doing is nuts. I imagine he'll probably still end up on the couch... I don't think any of that will end "normal" over there when there's so much dysfunction.

Last edited by Yesterdays (10/21/2025 8:44 am)

@Rumplestiltskin, Sorry about the break-up. That never feels good. But it seems to me you made every effort to make the situation work. Your SO has some work to do on himself to make himself be a better partner. Too bad that he couldn't figure it out with you. His loss, I'm sure.

It feels like he was always a drain on you.. With constant worry hanging over like what dumb decisions he was likely going to make because he didn't respect your boundaries or consult with you about things that impacted you. He was always disrespectful in that way to not consider your feelings about things. This is your life too!! You shouldn't have to worry about this man child and his poor decision making and actions that is dragging you down with him. I feel like you will likely experience relief and eventually freedom to live a better life without the worry of his poor choices looming over. Because you won't be tied to it any longer. You can be free from him and all that comes with it.

I second what ESMOD said about gifts!

Winterglow wrote:

I second what ESMOD said about gifts!

Me too. I was wondering what’s that symbolic of, because generally when mature people break up, they want the other one to have some good memories, just like themselves, even though both understand that they can’t be together. You can break up, feel hurt, angry and even a bit petty in the moment, but ultimately you are still wishing that person well. Particularly when in your case it was his children that were the main obstacle (well, I know it’s not so clear cut, but that’s what he should be thinking).

So him demanding all these significant/symbolic things back- does that mean that all of his kindness/generosity/giving (material and immaterial) were transactional, calculated actions and only conditional on what he was going to get from you in return?
In his eyes, did the action of giving mean he was buying your compliance and subservience? Hence him getting sh!tty when you don’t just comply with his one-sided decisions?
Is there some narcissistic rage going on and despite your long history and good moments together he’s making you “pay”?

Either way, it sounds like good riddance of bad rubbish. Him and his ilk.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (10/26/2025 3:15 am)

Hugs
Nothing about this is EVER easy.
I was just telling my friend "sometimes it takes really painful lessons before I learn not to do that again", but this isnt one of those lessons. It just is a pile of suckage and Im so sorry you are going through this.