How utterly nauseating. 

When someone has a history of trying to create mayhem in your home and your marriage, they need to be cut off. . .permanently. What's the saying? No matter how many times a snake sheds its skin, it will always be a snake. Although I like snakes. Crazy BMs, not so much.
What is the matter with your DH?  

I guess my question is…is it just BM who is being inappropriate or do you feel your DH is too, or is being too friendly or accommodating? Have you seen all the texts? Does your DH try to hide them from you or delete them? Is he a “people pleaser” by nature? BM can do what she wants but she isn’t married to you. How’s HE handling this?

I'm not sure how old your SS is, as in the first post on this thread you said he's a teen, but on a previous thread you mentioned he's 10.  If he is indeed a teen, do DH and BM need to be in touch so much?  My DH didn't have much contact with BM when they were this age.  But I get the impression there's still a bond between your DH and BM - they seem to like texting each other etc.  However, there's little point you trying to stop him, he'll just do it on the sly.  I don't know if I'd want to be with a man who was still half in a relationship with his ex.  

Umm he outright lied to you about texting his ex, did he have a reason for why?

Damn. Your situation sounds a lot like the one i just left. Hiding texts, in-laws loyal to BM. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You aren’t crazy or jealous or whatever they want you to think in order to get you to “put up and shut up.” Both of those behaviors from a partner/his family are heartbreaking to deal with.

Since you have a child with him, i would recommend counseling. Both by yourself and together. Figure out if things can be made “livable” for you, one way or another.

Rumplestiltskin wrote:

Re Esmod’s post:

“but they should be keeping communication on task.. which it actually seems that they are doing from what you have posted.”

I’ve done a lot of soul-searching about the line between appropriate and inappropriate communication with exes, coworkers, etc. My SO used to communicate with his ex and it was primarily about the kids. But it was things like a 10 minute phone call every morning to tell the other how the skids’ breakfast went, talk about the day ahead, etc. Or 8 texts about adjustments to the “schedule” for *just that day*, or an hour long convo about whether one skid should be allowed to stop attending church, including discussion about what each of SO’s family members said to BM about it (she was friends with all of them). Then pics throughout the day of the skids. And don’t get me started about BM hanging out at SO’s house cooking (but it’s food for the KIDS!)

I guess it’s like art vs porn. You know it when you see it. But even then, one person’s art may be another person’s porn. All i do know is that in my next relationship, if there is one, i won’t hang around for years trying to get him to SEE my point of view. If it’s that different, i hope i have the courage to end things quickly, for everyone’s sake.

No.. I do get the over communication and enmeshed conversations.. like you describe are an issue... especially if the Exes are hanging out together.. (beyond being in a similar location for a kid's baseball game but sitting separately).

What this person is describing as the communication NOW... doesn't seem to be overly problematic.. beyond them both being "pleasant" with hello/goodbye type of stuff.. the messages are pretty relevant about the kid and not necessarily going to unneeded territory talking about the kid's breakfast plate..   Are the texts maybe more "civil" than OP would like. maybe.. but both parents may want to have any record of their communication come off as "nice" vs being demanding or curt. which they may think could hurt in court.

The biggest issue is that her partner appeared to try to skirt the issue with her.. not wanting to be honest.. THAT is what I would have the biggest issue with.  Do parents of a minor child need to communicate.. of course.  Is it a huge problem that they use niceties in their text.. "thanks.. have a good day".. no.. they may also feel being "nice" makes the other person more likely to be cooperative.. as long as their main focus is on a necessary child issue.. (not minutae).. then I think that should be expected.. but hidden is a problem.

Nachom0m wrote:

Last night we had a discussion over his deadbeat parents and our child asking to call/visit them (they haven’t visited in over a year,no phone calls, happy birthdays or anything since she was born and they live less than 10 min away) They are too loyal to BM & I told him to go no contact but he thinks it’s like feeding hatred into our child. After that I asked him if he was communicating with BM and he said no, I asked again and he said no. I got his phone and showed him the messages and then he wanted to explain. I told him I didn’t want to hear it. There was a 10 minute call in the conversation, they only talk about the child, but after all the crap she’s put into our marriage I feel like the messages should be kept parallel, no “good night, have a great day, naming the kid in a baby form”. I feel like this gets emotions involved. But now after he denied it I don’t even know what to do…

An analogy that comes to mind regarding DH facilitating and supporting his kid interfacing with his clearly waste of skin parents as not feeding hatred would be not keeping your child from playing in a malaria infested swamp because you want them to live swamps.  

Sure DH does not contact BM.  They are codependent and your DH needs her for his codependency hit.  
+

 

Last edited by Rags (11/25/2025 3:11 pm)

I 100% understand that they need to have communication. I've never asked for the child to be the " go-between". The hiding and enmeshed messaging is what made me upset. I put my foot down and told him that when I ask something is because I already know the truth, and him denying it made things worse. After all the havoc BM has caused HE (I know I can't control what BM says) needs to be parallel with his messages, 0 room for emotions to be involved no messages with hypocorism just direct "Hi, (child's name) needs whatever let me know if its okay" no wishing good morning or good night in order to minimize conflict. If he wants to know how his child is doing/feeling he can message or call him for that SS has his own phone he can be as amicable and loving with him and that is none of my business, our 7yo is capable of answering messages and telling my family how she is I'm pretty sure SS is capable of doing it too, so that is another thing he can stop engaging with BM for. As per his family he said he would talk to them which is something that I don't want. MIL had a short streak of coming over and she would make comments comparing me to BM or either everything she saw reminded her of SS, also telling me that the child was obese or had bad teeth as if I could do something, she sees BM regularly why doesn't she tell HER? I'm a mother too and no one has to remind me to be responsible with my child, even if DH is away for months, weeks, or days I will never fail my child. They are all just scared of her and that's why they act like her puppets. BM and DH were never married, she had another child and married the father then divorced and this year she's had a catwalk of men in front of her children. I think she was pregnant and engaged and then the guy broke up with her.  She has demonstrated that she is not capable to maintain stability. I'm not staying quiet anymore and will not tolerate bs from in-laws or BM.I can't force them to love our child, but I can keep DD out of the infected swamp. If this happens one more time I will be filing for divorce. 

Last edited by Nachom0m (11/25/2025 4:29 pm)

Nachom0m wrote:

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! while BM was married she moved 2 blocks away from in-laws if the child needed something they communicated it with DH. ,as I previously mentioned he is away a lot due to work. SHE DIVORCED THIS YEAR. NOW THAT SHE IS DIVORCED SHE WAS ASKING FOR HIS NUMBER. COINCIDENCE?👀 or I’m I tripping 👀

It is neither a coincidence, nor are you tripping.

BM is Z-ing out back to her historical script.

Buckle up.

Make sure that DH is crystal clear about the one more time and divorce is filed boundary.
 

Last edited by Rags (11/25/2025 5:52 pm)