I’m coming to some sad realisations today, undoubtedly aided by PMS. My perception of my SO (not living together, thankfully) morphed over the years from poor victim (married a gaping hole of need with a deadly illness diagnosed at birth, who saddled him with behaviourally and genetically disordered children as the last hurrah) to a weak parent (kids treat him like cr@p and damage his property) to a quietly resentful bitter man with a mask of passivity and pleasantness, who’s seeking out chaos and self-sabotage so that he can maintain the “poor me” stance.

Anyway, the other day he ended up with a serious injury from the extreme sports he occasionally dabbles in. Luckily, some strangers found him in the wilderness and called an ambulance. He called me as he was going into surgery and I was there to pick him up afterwards. Thankfully, all went well, but there’ll be a long period of recovery. He’s mobile, but severely limited in activities of daily living. Now, his kids are aggressive teens/tweens that abuse him throughout the day and expect to be waited on. They mostly survive on frozen/bagged food and get aggressive if their specific brands are not available. This has improved a little since my appearance on the scene, but only marginally.

We come back home, and kids show up briefly to assess the situation to see just how doped up their father is from general anaesthetic. A few minutes later they disappear  and I stupidly assume it’s because it’s a school night and they’ve gone to bed. An hour or so later, it turns out they used this situation to play computer games, which they’re currently barred from.  I find this situation heartbreaking.

The grandparents are also visiting and help get them off their computers. Predictably, they get destructive and after thumping some balls around the house, get into a physical fight, which predictably results with the younger one storming into the dining room where were eating and starting screaming at the father to sort it out. I cut him off calmly and tell him that tonight dad is the centre of attention since he’s very sick and deserves our kindness.

The little manipulative sh*t (my SO normally flits between defending him and yelling at him) then launches into a tirade that I’m always yelling at him and cutting him off when he’s trying to speak to dad normally (not true). I calmly reinforce that we’re happy to talk to him when he’s calm, but that screaming will never be responded to. He carries on and on while grands look down and don’t interfere and while my SO gives some weak response like “now, now, not quite true, but let’s speak about it later”. The steppo then goes into a sulky mode and sits at the table ruining the atmosphere and not contributing.


The sulky steppo comes out of his self-induced stupor and to celebrate all adults play a very boring board game he whips out. You can tell than no one is enjoying it that much - it’s late, everyone’s tired and grandma just isn’t grasping the complex rules. At this point I decided that despite my initial plan to stay over, I’ll go home, especially as his parents will be able to help if he needs anything.

Next morning  I come back to drive him to an appointment, well before the brats are leaving for school. They don’t even come out of their rooms to say bye or ask him how he’s doing. My SO is yelling down the corridor that he’s ok, not to worry about him and that he will be home soon. No one answers, even though I  hear they’re up. My heart breaks again about this sad situation.

Then,  my SO is stressing how he’s going to make their sandwiches etc (he can’t currently even shower himself), and that he won’t be able to ensure they get up and get themselves to school that’s a few minutes walk from home etc. etc., and that  will lead to refusal to go to school, because he’s too weak to fight them. He’s stressed out that I used up the last few slices of bread that’s the younger steppos’s favourite  for the dinner I cooked last night, and that now the steppo will refuse to eat any of the other five types of bread they have at home (the main ingredient of all of his meals). My heart is breaking again, because not only his kids don’t care about a brush with death their father had, but they’re using his objective weekness to abuse him more.

The following day I have a big milestone that was talked about well in advance : the last payment on my mortgage. I’m finally free and will be able to start living a little after slaving away for 20 years.
My SO is fully aware and texts to congratulate me in the morning. In the past he has mentioned something which made me think he’d surprise me with a minor celebration - a dinner somewhere nice or at least with a bottle of wine and some treats. I happen to finish work early and am excited. Messages from SO through the day are griping about his kids’ bad behaviour and using his current state to ramp up, disappear from home, skip school and ignore his calls.
I’m a bit disappointed by lack of enjoyable plans from him, but am determined to do something nice to celebrate my end of debt. I call him and he sounds harassed, saying that he’s been doing some work around the house, has the tween SS with him and not thinking of going out. I express my disappointment and that I expected him to do something to mark this occasion, and also that I thought he’d like to escape the chaos in the house and he pushes back again with the same excuses, but that he can come over to mine for a couple of hours later, if I so insist.

At this point I tell him I don’t want to do anything and he’s all confused and in a victim mode, because apparently he sent me congratulations via text and didn’t realise it was a big deal since he didn’t celebrate when he paid off his house. Mind you, this man is high up the corporate ladder and by no means poor. I’m now left with the feeling that this was his way of showing his resentment at my self-sufficiency, particularly as he had offered to pay off or lend me the small amount that was remaining (but actually never got round to it, even though I said I’d be happy with either).

I then think this through alone at home, with my pets, sadly noting that another big milestone I’m my life will be tainted by a cr@ppy boyfriend’s actions, like my both graduation events were (different boyfriends).

At this point I’m coming to a realisation that perhaps he wasn’t a helpless victim in all his life’s events, but that he actively participated in manufacturing and contributing to them. Chaos, disease, victimisation can try and flirt with any us, but ultimately it is him that gives them his number and goes into great lengths to maintain a relationship.

I have already disengaged from his kids as much as I can, but now I think I’ll have to go to dating on my terms only: if he needs to bring one/both to be able to stay over, then he’s not staying over. I’m happy to go out with him and then go back to each of our respective homes. I don’t really like going to his house (newly bought, but already holes punched in walls by kids, dirty hands wiped on everything and generally revolting), so if I do it’ll be when they’re not there. If he  wants to sleep in the same bed as me, he will have to get out of his victim mode and organise childcare (he has a large extended family, but his kids aren’t welcome anywhere for too long) or book a weekend away. If he can’t get out of his chronic victim state when his kids are present, then I don’t need to see him in their presence. If all this means we hardly see each other - so be it.

I’m certain if I left him, he’d be shocked and victimised all over again (“ how could she - after everything I’ve done! Everything is stacked against me!”), but I think subconsciously he craves a chaotic, pit of need of a partner so that he can feel alive. He has expressed to me in the past that he fears I’ll leave him because I have everything and I don’t “need him”.

My goal at the moment is to reinforce my boundaries and protect the life I’ve created for myself.  I can’t stop him wallowing in victimhood and self pity, but I don’t have to attend  the situations where he’s indulging in those.

Last edited by BanksiaRose (9/03/2025 5:48 am)