Glad you had a good visit. I think he senses he's more able to be free and be himself and be comfortable when he's at your house.

My kids father has a way of trying to control our kids, who are now 17 and 18. He tries to monitor what they do and where they go.. Always tries to be in control of them and I feel that it is overall very stifling to them. I feel that they are more comfortable at our house when they come visit because we allow them some more freedom and choice making.

When they were younger I think at least it made a bit more sense to follow along with what the parents wanted in some situations. But as they got older my ex still tried to be in control of all aspects of their life. Now as they are getting older I think they are finally starting to realize that they should have some more freedoms. I think they are starting to realize that their dad is acting controlling and in some ways manipulative with regard to how they are treated.

I've been trying to tell them that THEY have control and a say in things now that they are older. It still takes a while for them to realize.

I recognize though that in your situation all of this is much harder because of the fact that you live much farther and see SS infrequently. It makes that control issue much, much harder and near impossible. I've always been amazed at the grace of which you've handled your step son, though. In many ways that must feel comforting to him. Because, for me, I've always felt that the kids would feel good knowing that they have someone in their corner looking out for them, in a situation where here is so little freedom or control with the other parent. I think he knows this about you and your husband, because you've been the constant, reassurance for him.

Back in the day, when SS was young, it would take until Saturday morning for his to relax and enjoy being with Dad. His mom was a very good mom but he knew how much they disliked each other and he'd stress over it. 
It sounds like your SS feels freer at Dad's, not that he isn't loved at BMs, just that BM may be overloading him w/ pressure. . 

I have this feeling that when your SS turns 18, BM is going to lose her grip on him. And that's putting it mildly. She will, of course, blame your DH for showing SS what a real family looks like, one where you're not put on show all the time, where you're not there to prove a point, where promises are kept, where you can just BE, where results aren't the be all and end all, etc.


He's going to be hungry for independence. She is going to hate that.

@StandingStrong - Yes, I have been working hard to take care of me and put the needs/chaos/demands of SS, BM, and DH out of my brain. It has been quite refreshing to free up that brain space each day. It's still not perfect but much improved.