Step Chat - a safe place where stepparents can vent » DH has lost his dammmm mind: a poll

MorningMia · 8/31/2026 6:31 pm

DH came home from his last SD visit exhausted (as usual) but not quite as verbal (unusual, but I took that as ok). As I mentioned here, he described SD's & (large) family's cramped living arrangements, which sound awful (and hot) and the only other negative thing he said was that SD drinks a lot of energy drinks while breastfeeding.

Recall that he said before this visit that it would be his last. The visits have bothered him. The travel is tougher on him these days. And toxic BM will be moving to SD's property (in her own place) at some point. Because of their history and her toxic sludge dumped all over the skids, DH said he simply doesn't want to run into her or see her. He has also said that his relationships with his kids really aren't relationships.

DH is home for a few days and mentions, "Next time I go back." Then he mentions several times how cute the third (of four bios) grandkid is (all up to age of 5), how the grands all remembered him. I respond with my usual, "uh huh." A few more days pass and he is looking at different routes to yee-haw land.

As this is happening, we have been talking about moving to a different area (same state) closer to some of my family members, as we are all getting older. Although my family has always been more than welcoming of DH (and, at one time, of his kids, who rejected them) and consider him family, I felt like I sensed a strange resentment or annoyance in him about my family expressing excitement over us living closer to them. (Note: there has never been even slight conflict between DH and my family members.)

So, here's the the clencher: He's been home a week today and WENT OFF on me about the stupidest, smallest issue. One of the things he said was, "It always has to be YOUR way." That didn't even relate to the issue, which has to do with our cell service--nothing between us. I can't imagine the look on my face. I said, "WHAT? How is this MY way? We're working on resolving an issue that impacts both of us. What are you even talking about?" He became angrier to the point I told him he really needed to look in the mirror--his upset was way off the charts and wasn't in tune at all with the issue we were dealing with. He then said something like, "I've read about people like you." Nasty words, but the voice tone was the worse.

I left and went to the gym and then took a walk in the park where our old dog and I used to spend so much time--just the two of us--and I cried.

Call me crazy, but I feel like what I just experienced with DH was a huge relapse that appeared to "come out of nowhere." Early in our marriage, he had this guilt thing going with the skids and I was too often the scapegoat (for all of them...all of their unhappiness with the mess they had made). Once we went to marriage counseling, that all ended. Or so I thought. It was a very long time ago.

Something happened during this recent visit (he is usually very down and stressed from the visits; I'm thinking this time, he let whatever it was stay bottled up). I never dwell on what SD might be saying to DH or how the skids are held out like dangling carrots and cupcakes to him. I know how she operates--she learned from her mother. But something different occurred, something that has been bubbling up inside of him over the past week.

It isn't funny at all, because I will not go down this road again. I will not. We will talk about this (not right now), but if there is a hint of the two of us going back in time, that is a big nope. Anyway, I'm going to have a little fun with it and do a poll (honestly, though, I really am wondering about your thoughts).

JRI · 8/31/2026 7:38 pm

I'm not sure, most of the answers seem possible except you aren't crazy. The word "scapegoat" is going thru my mind. I sometimes think my DH irrationally blames me for how SD64 has turned out. You know, how if I'd given more time, emotion, money, thought, care over the huge amount I did, it would have "cured" her. Maybe his mind is searching for a reason why your SD's life isn't good (it can't be due to her character flaws or poor judgment) and you're the closest scapegoat.

Survivingstephell · 8/31/2026 7:59 pm

Didn’t you say he has dementia of some kind? My MIL had it and passed earlier in the year. This sounds so similar to how she would act and talk. For 10 long years I watched as my DH and his siblings would get all wound up from her. Looking back it was dementia. All of it.

Lock down the boundaries. Rally the troops and be upfront and frank about what’s going on. Yes it triggered you but don’t let happen again. You need help in protecting your sanctuary. Maybe a social worker needs to be brought in for guidance ?

MorningMia · 8/31/2026 8:55 pm

JRI wrote:
I'm not sure, most of the answers seem possible except you aren't crazy. The word "scapegoat" is going thru my mind. I sometimes think my DH irrationally blames me for how SD64 has turned out. You know, how if I'd given more time, emotion, money, thought, care over the huge amount I did, it would have "cured" her. Maybe his mind is searching for a reason why your SD's life isn't good (it can't be due to her character flaws or poor judgment) and you're the closest scapegoat.

This is what I mean by a "relapse." This is very old behavior. He could be thinking that her life wouldn't be a mess and he'd be closer to his grandchildren if he had simply not remarried. And I'm the one standing here in the imaginary way of that. ???

Last edited by MorningMia (Today 5:32 am)

MorningMia · 8/31/2026 9:03 pm

Survivingstephell wrote:
Didn’t you say he has dementia of some kind? My MIL had it and passed earlier in the year. This sounds so similar to how she would act and talk. For 10 long years I watched as my DH and his siblings would get all wound up from her. Looking back it was dementia. All of it.

Lock down the boundaries. Rally the troops and be upfront and frank about what’s going on. Yes it triggered you but don’t let happen again. You need help in protecting your sanctuary. Maybe a social worker needs to be brought in for guidance ?

He has ADD/ADHD. Jeez, I didn't think of this behavior being related to anything medical.
The thing is the scapegoating type behavior/misdirected anger (which was always step-related, so that's the direction I'm leaning; I could be off) is a behavior from long ago when there was all kinds of turmoil with the skids and BM.

It feels like something triggered a flare-up, for lack of a better word--and so close to the time of his visit with SD.

Merry · 8/31/2026 9:03 pm

Our stories are similar in some ways. If this were my DH, he’d be lashing out because his kids (not the rest of his family) are arseholes and my whole family is welcoming. He looks for similarities to show me how great his kids are or how bad my family is. And there is nothing. The few times he was able to twist things his way were ridiculous.

Over the years he’s been remorseful, stubborn, defensive, apologetic, angry, and blames himself or me. It changes by the minute when he’s faced with their nonsense. This, thankfully, hasn’t surfaced in several years. If he did start to go backwards, it would be pretty simple from me: I’m not going there again. He can turn himself inside out and upside down if he wants to, but I will not.

Once we SMs make it to the other side where there is peacefulness, nothing will drag us back to the old mess. We’ve exhausted all the “trying,” are done with all the excuses, won’t be invisible for someone else’s comfort while sacrificing our own.

I’m kinda mad for you.

MorningMia · 8/31/2026 9:26 pm

Merry wrote:
Our stories are similar in some ways. If this were my DH, he’d be lashing out because his kids (not the rest of his family) are arseholes and my whole family is welcoming. He looks for similarities to show me how great his kids are or how bad my family is. And there is nothing. The few times he was able to twist things his way were ridiculous.

Over the years he’s been remorseful, stubborn, defensive, apologetic, angry, and blames himself or me. It changes by the minute when he’s faced with their nonsense. This, thankfully, hasn’t surfaced in several years. If he did start to go backwards, it would be pretty simple from me: I’m not going there again. He can turn himself inside out and upside down if he wants to, but I will not.

Once we SMs make it to the other side where there is peacefulness, nothing will drag us back to the old mess. We’ve exhausted all the “trying,” are done with all the excuses, won’t be invisible for someone else’s comfort while sacrificing our own.

I’m kinda mad for you.

The similarities are interesting. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around someone being uncomfortable or angry because another family embraces them. I've wondered before if he felt like my family's treatment of him put a spotlight (in his mind) on his skids' poor behavior. That sounds like guilt and/or shame. I still feel like something happened during his recent visit with SD.

Yea, there's no way I'm going there again. Just not. I don't even know what to say now, so I'm not saying anything--and I'm usually at no loss for words! Glad I'm going into work tomorrow.

Mad--I'm not even "acting" mad. I am in that quiet, resolute, angry state. Something shifted.

Kes · Yesterday 12:01 am

I ticked "all of the above" but I definitely don't think you're crazy! It could be any of the reasons you cited, or another. My DH is motivated with his family members because he "doesn't want to be the bad guy" in their eyes. With regard to his family of origin - they all live in Yorkshire and we live in Suffolk, several hundred miles away, and I think his mother has always resented that.
After I had the massive bust up with SD31 in 2022, DH spent several years trying to bully me into making it up with her, but I stood firm. I suspect a similar dynamic is operating here with your DH. If I were you I would definitely want to know what he meant by his comment "I've read about people like you" - that sounds full of contempt. It certainly seems like he is having second thoughts about not visiting them any more.

seenthelight · Yesterday 2:17 am

I've voted none of the above. The nearest choices were the 'resentment of your family' and blaming your 'disengagement' but neither are correct because it's not just unfair, it's irrational to think like that. Your welcoming family can't change, why should they be blamed for being kind, and who really welcomes disengagement? It's a position that we are forced into. No-one chooses it willingly.
Making excuses or blaming others for skids bad behaviour doesn't make sense. They are adults apparently.

MorningMia · Yesterday 6:20 am

Kes wrote:
I ticked "all of the above" but I definitely don't think you're crazy! It could be any of the reasons you cited, or another. My DH is motivated with his family members because he "doesn't want to be the bad guy" in their eyes. With regard to his family of origin - they all live in Yorkshire and we live in Suffolk, several hundred miles away, and I think his mother has always resented that.
After I had the massive bust up with SD31 in 2022, DH spent several years trying to bully me into making it up with her, but I stood firm. I suspect a similar dynamic is operating here with your DH. If I were you I would definitely want to know what he meant by his comment "I've read about people like you" - that sounds full of contempt. It certainly seems like he is having second thoughts about not visiting them any more.

I hate to sound paranoid, but it feels almost like a "flip was switched" recently, and he's "back" to "wuvving" the daughter who he just a few days back said is like a stranger to him living a life he really doesn't think very highly of. If I were to take an educated guess, I'd say his heartstrings were pulled (grands--I get that) and SD did some heavy duty manipulation while he was there--perhaps she "wants to go back" to the way it was, wants a good relationship with him (without putting any effort into making things right). She and her mom used to say/parrot this in such a weird, twilight-zone way: "We need everyone to get along for the future--for weddings and grandchildren." But what they meant by "getting along" was, "We need Mia to get with the program, be left out, be ok with being treated like a doormat. Perhaps she can step into the role of Wifey2 while we respect no boundaries and try to rule your life." I'm telling you these people are creepy fanatic manipulative cult-type folks.

As for his comment about reading about people like me, well, SD is a licensed therapist (scary--no, horrifying--joke of the century). I wouldn't be surprised if she had a few drinks (her MO) and wanted to have a "heart to heart" with DH (I've seen this in action before) and outright told him that I have kept him from watching the grands grow up, from their lives, look at what he's missing, blah blah blah. He also sees them massively struggling (all their own doing), so there could be guilt there. And then perhaps SD "diagnosed" me, which she once did publicly (online) several years ago. God, that almost makes me laugh.

Our old marriage counselor, along with DH's sister and a good friend (or two) once said to him back in the day something like, "Your kids [will be] are adults and [will be] living their own lives. Why would you disregard your marriage to appease them?" (I'm paraphrasing. I don't remember the exact words.) And I'm almost feeling like we are back there again.

Oh, yea, he's not just having second thoughts. It was almost like he was ready to plan another trip as soon as he returned home--immediately following his mini-rant a week before about not continuing to do this . . . the one-sided effort, the financial part, the exhaustion part . . . with a person who doesn't respect him who also brings people over (SD's in-laws, who are onboard the BM train) who have zero respect for him, either.

My tolerance level for BS at this point in my life is so incredibly low that I might just say, "Ok, honey. You're right. People like me aren't good for you. Those wackos are, though."

I'm just letting all of this quietly gel right now and appreciate the feedback here. It's important.

MorningMia · Yesterday 6:23 am

seenthelight wrote:
I've voted none of the above. The nearest choices were the 'resentment of your family' and blaming your 'disengagement' but neither are correct because it's not just unfair, it's irrational to think like that. Your welcoming family can't change, why should they be blamed for being kind, and who really welcomes disengagement? It's a position that we are forced into. No-one chooses it willingly.
Making excuses or blaming others for skids bad behaviour doesn't make sense. They are adults apparently.

Thanks. That's the issue: None of this is rational or logical. In a sane world, none of it makes sense. He's feeding off of some kind of raw emotion right now. What triggered that is the big mystery.

Merry · Yesterday 10:46 am

I continue to ponder the irrationality of all this. Something had to have happened with SD. Some “we wish” scenario that ends with you being treated badly or some character assassination based on twisted lies.

But the “people like you”??? I’d have to know what he meant. Selfish? Narcissistic? Serial killer? Abuser? Betrayer? You’re not even close to any of those things. (I have to assume serial killer is not in your skill set.)

I’d keep my distance until I was sure I could have a calm conversation but still use the focused anger to your advantage.

Kes · Yesterday 11:32 am

MorningMia wrote:
Oh, yea, he's not just having second thoughts. It was almost like he was ready to plan another trip as soon as he returned home--immediately following his mini-rant a week before about not continuing to do this . . . the one-sided effort, the financial part, the exhaustion part . . . with a person who doesn't respect him who also brings people over (SD's in-laws, who are onboard the BM train) who have zero respect for him, either.

It seems that he flip-flops from one view to the opposite - is he easily influenced because it certainly sounds like it.
DH and my marriage has at last seemed to reach a stable point where he accepts I don't want anything to do with SD31, and he visits on his own. But I know that if he reverted to his previous stance that this would mean the end of our marriage. At age 68 I just need some peace, even if it means a lonely old age.

MorningMia · Yesterday 5:24 pm

Merry wrote:
I continue to ponder the irrationality of all this. Something had to have happened with SD. Some “we wish” scenario that ends with you being treated badly or some character assassination based on twisted lies.

But the “people like you”??? I’d have to know what he meant. Selfish? Narcissistic? Serial killer? Abuser? Betrayer? You’re not even close to any of those things. (I have to assume serial killer is not in your skill set.)

I’d keep my distance until I was sure I could have a calm conversation but still use the focused anger to your advantage.

"Irrational" is the word. I am leaning toward SD having said something, too. A "heart to heart" as she calls those talks, yet she repeats the words of her mother when she does that (I've been through it before). Sometimes I hesitate to think these things because I wonder if I use her as a scapegoat. But. Is this all a coincidence?

We had a calm conversation (that he started). He is stressing about a lot of things, but failed to mention his recent visit, which always stresses him out. He apologized and said he isn't feeling like himself (went on more about that). When I asked him what he meant with the "people like you" comment, he mentioned a few things I do that bother him, but they really didn't fall into the category of "people like you" or something he's read. I started laughing at one of the things (I cuss out the auto-prompts when I'm calling a business and can't reach a real person). This has to do with something other than auto-prompts.

It will all come out in time. It always does. Whatever this is related to, the result is not ok. We cannot go backwards.

MorningMia · Yesterday 5:28 pm

Kes wrote:
MorningMia wrote:
Oh, yea, he's not just having second thoughts. It was almost like he was ready to plan another trip as soon as he returned home--immediately following his mini-rant a week before about not continuing to do this . . . the one-sided effort, the financial part, the exhaustion part . . . with a person who doesn't respect him who also brings people over (SD's in-laws, who are onboard the BM train) who have zero respect for him, either.

It seems that he flip-flops from one view to the opposite - is he easily influenced because it certainly sounds like it.
DH and my marriage has at last seemed to reach a stable point where he accepts I don't want anything to do with SD31, and he visits on his own. But I know that if he reverted to his previous stance that this would mean the end of our marriage. At age 68 I just need some peace, even if it means a lonely old age.

Flip-flop is the perfect term. That is what it seems he has done. And, yes, he "USED" to be easily influenced back in the day. He was terribly manipulated by BM and the skids, especially SD--financially & emotionally. But he slowly pulled away from all of that. When SD (with BM's backing/plan) came up with a grand scheme to manipulate him into paying for her wedding (Before telling us she was engaged or getting engaged, SD suddenly said she wanted to clear the air with me and move forward after 7 years of silence...lol...BS), I didn't say a word to DH (separate bank accounts)--except I told him I suspected she planned on getting married--and I was shocked (in a good way) that he offered only a small amount (compared to the big picture). He said, "She hasn't wanted me to be a father for the most part before; why does she want me to be her father now? $$$" Our punishment came at the wedding.

Anyway, I felt secure that we had gotten past the manipulation, although I knew the grands would tug at the heartstrings and I've seen the attempts at reeling him back in from afar.

Yea, I'm with you. If we are reverting back to old days, I'm gone. Something WILL come out about his visit. I can feel it in the air. There is no way we are doing all that again. We could manage a no-conflict divorce, not that that is my end goal. But it's like the character in The Green Mile: "I'm tired . . . . "
I'm tempted to tell him to go take a long vacation somewhere and leave me here.

Last edited by MorningMia (Today 5:57 am)