Welcome!!!
August fun facts https://www.almanac.com/content/month-august-holidays-facts-folklore
#cc6600
1 of 1- IntheBlender
- New member
Offline
Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
This is kind of related to step life and I have only one other person I really can talk to about this.
Over a year ago I started therapy to discuss how I am handling step life and eventually retired life and looming aging and disease. I started because based in history, DH will not take care of me. He may do a few things but he doesn’t pay attention to diagnoses and treatment directions and such. It’s like his freeze and flight kick in. I asked him to go on his own to therapy to see if he wants to even age together and how to handle his freeze/flight. That was based on advice from the therapist.
DH has not gone. That is his choice. I also made a few choices about setting up others as potential POAs and caretakers. And since I don’t feel like I can lean on him I’ve stopped leaning for most things. He is upset about this. I am getting told that I should change my boundaries and choices because “that’s not how marriages work.” This basically means I should cave and do what he wants.
I suggested this past weekend that what happened with OSS and YSS (see a previous post about DH freaking that his kids don’t want to spend time with him when that’s not what they said) and that could be part of his freeze and flight when things get uncomfortable and maybe he’d want to do counseling for that.
He came back with wanting only to go together to couples counseling because he doesn’t like that we are like roommates. (But the last time I did therapy he went to their office and tried to give him a letter with “his side” when he didn’t even realize I wasn’t going solely about he and I. He doesn’t know where this present therapist is.)
I cannot find anything about husbands who won’t do individual therapy but insist on couples therapy. It seems to me like he only wants to do couples counseling to get a therapist to tell me to do what he wants. I told him that we don’t do physical therapy together since we don’t have the same issues so I see no need to do psychological therapy together until we each have done our own.
Anyone ever had this situation? How did you handle it?
- JRI
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
I'd go, what do you have to lose. But first, I'd determine what's the most important issue: Steps? Age-related issues? Then I'd research to find a therapist who specializes in that area. You're doing better than me. My DH wouldnt go to couples so I went to individual which changed my, his and the 5 kids' lives. Good luck
Last edited by JRI (8/03/2026 6:52 pm)
- advice.only2
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
I live in this situation and have come to the realization a long time ago that DH and I are just roommates and that when it comes to my future, I will be doing everything on my own. The reality is I already pretty much do everything on my own. Like your DH my DH very much wanted us to attend couples therapy and I refused. We have done couples therapy in the past and it always revolves around the counselor giving me “ideas” of how I can better communicate with DH so he can “understand” and that I need to “give him time” since being in a relationship is “harder for him to process.” Yeah, f*ck all that sh!t! To me couples therapy is a racket based on people telling women to just take the subpar treatment and be okay with it, because after all “he’s still learning”. beeyotch please we’ve been in this relationship the same amount of time as each other, why is it harder for him to process than me! That aside I pretty much haven’t thought too heavily about my future other than to realize I will probably end up in a retirement home and have the caregivers there assisting me.
- Merry
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
It’s enlightening that he won’t do individual therapy but he will do couples’. To me, that sounds like he wants to use the therapy to change YOU. Has no intention of doing any work to figure out how to handle his own issues.
- Survivingstephell
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
So he doesn’t like living as roommates. What’s his plan for changing that? Did you put him on the spot? Force that awkward silence waiting on him to answer? You are still doing the work for him. Don’t rush to fill the silence anymore. Give him ample time to answer and when he can’t come up with one, tell him to get back to you when he has an answer.
You are changing the relationship “rules” on him, he doesn’t like it so he is testing how strong your new rules are. That’s why you go to therapy alone. You can’t change him , only yourself. He will be forced to adjust one way or another.
- BanksiaRose
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
My take on this would be that:
1. Therapy isn’t a panacea;
2. You could take the horse to water but you can’t make it drink;
3. If you locate a couple’s counsellor that’s strongly aware of women’s issues it might help;
4. The therapist would probably suggest individual therapy for him also;
5. It might do you both some good or he might see you and therapist as ganging up on him.
I’d personally go. What do you have to lose? Couples therapists usually say that they help people have a good marriage or a good divorce.
- MorningMia
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
I'd do the couples therapy with him. DH and I did that several years ago during the worst of the step situation. Doing that helped DH, I think, recognize the value of therapy, and he on his own chose to go to individual therapy himself later on.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- ESMOD
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
BanksiaRose wrote:
My take on this would be that:
1. Therapy isn’t a panacea;
2. You could take the horse to water but you can’t make it drink;
3. If you locate a couple’s counsellor that’s strongly aware of women’s issues it might help;
4. The therapist would probably suggest individual therapy for him also;
5. It might do you both some good or he might see you and therapist as ganging up on him.
I’d personally go. What do you have to lose? Couples therapists usually say that they help people have a good marriage or a good divorce.
I agree with your points 100%. Honestly, Therapy only is going to work if the person entering into it has some level of belief that it can work... and that it has value. You do in with someone that has a preset notion that it's just a lot of blabbering...and going to therapy is for the "weak" .. it won't help that person a bit.
Therapy can help US work through our feelings.. try to sort things out and learn to cope with difficult situations. It CAN help couples who are both open to figuring out new ways to communicate.. but I think that's actually kind of an outlier situation tbh..
I went with my ExH... he spent the session actively trying to look like an A$$.. Like when the therapist asked him what he said to me when I said something he disagreed with.. he replied "STFU B...." I can assure you, my EX was an immature jerk.. but he knew better than to talk to me that way. (maybe it was just what was in his head..lol?) He just had all these smart A$$ answers... and in the end.. the therapist basically told us.. that based on their session... they didn't see any point in the relationship continuing...either my EX WAS the uber/misogynistic/ jerk he was portraying..or he was too mentally stunted to want to try to make things work out anyway. They were like... honey.. he is not for you.. lol. Of course, we did stay together to try a little longer... till I found he had cheated.. then I told him.. DONZO! haha.
I think men can be really resistant to "exploring their feelings".. and they don't want to know about ours either.. and in the end.. someone that is willfully not meeting your needs... isn't "all in" on the relationship and not worth salvaging.
- Dahlia8448
- Member
Offline
Re: Counseling - alone vs couples - off and on topic
Some people like couples therapy because they either want their partner to do all the talking/work, or they want to hear the therapist tell them that they are right. I really believe couples therapy works the best if the couple in question are also seeing therapists individually and there is an honest desire to make their relationship better.
Beware of the partner who goes to therapy with you to “prove” something, or starts using TherapySpeak to “win” arguments with you. Proceed with caution.