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1 of 1- NotYourAverageStepMama
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Need talked off ledge or validated
I am not sure if I need to be talked off the ledge or if I need to be validated, but basically there was something that happened when I picked SD up from camp yesterday that has me wanting to stop doing everything that I have been doing for SD.
To make a long story short, I went to pick up SD from camp yesterday and while SD was gathering her stuff SD's camp friend camp up to me and "said you are her real mom anyway." Totally out of the blue. I have heard things about this friend that I have already not loved which I first chalked up to the friend just being a rude child. I remembered how when cleaning SD's room last summer I saw something SD wrote that through her butchered spelling and not being good at writing I took as her saying she really misses her mom, but now because of the order of words I am thinking she wrote miss real mom instead.
Now I think most of you know that I treat SD as my own, I go out of my way for her and I treat her like DD, but if SD is going around telling people how I am not her real mom, then I am not interested in continuing all that for her because it feels like she is talking sh!t about me. Yes, I am not her real mom and I 100% know that, we have never told SD that I am or anything, but I do everything a "real mom" does for her when she is here and also put in effort when she is at BMs. Because of our work schedules and the way we run our households, I do more for SD then DH does and it has been that way for about 5-6 years now since my schedule has more flexibility and that is how it is with DD in some regards, but because DD is only 2 she requires more hands on care which DH and I are definitely 50/50 except sometimes someone doing more heavy lifting like a normal healthy family does.
Today is SD's birthday so obviously no conversations will be had today, but tomorrow I want to have a conversation with SD. I am torn about having it with SD and DH because DH is very protective of me and I don't want him or overreact or say something he shouldn't. I want to have a calm conversation and if she is basically talking sh!t about me to her camp friends then I am going completely hands off and she can have just her real mom do stuff for her because I am not going out of my way for a child that is ungrateful like that, I can put that extra energy into DD instead.
Am I overreacting or am I valid in my feelings? To me, if that is how SD feels then I seriously will go completely hands off and whatever DH can manage to do for SD is what she is going to get.
Which BTW it is almost 1 pm in BM's time zone and she has not sent SD a birthday message or asked to call SD for her birthday, nothing. So yeah, continue to praise the woman not reaching out on your birthday and makes you feel like trash because she prioritizes her relationship with men over you, yep.
- ESMOD
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
I am going to take the talking off the ledge side of things.
1. You don't know that friend.. and in a mean girl way.. she could have been saying that to somehow make SD (and maybe you) feel bad. She could have her own steplife situation... and have a HCBM who clearly tells her all the time that her dad's wife is "NOT YOUR REAL MOM".. so that could be reflecting in her behavior (the friend here).
2. The miss my mom thing.. yeah.. she probably does... it is her mom after all.. with all her faults.. I'm sure an 8 yo would miss her mom (whether she put real or not.. is kind of irrelevant.. re next point).
3. You know that you aren't her bio/real mother... so it is what it is there... it can be meant wishfully.. "wish you were her real mom".. it can be meant mean "You can't tell me what to do, you aren't my real mom".. or can just be neutral.. making a distinction between two women in her life..
My suggestion is to take her actions vs the use of a word into account when deciding how much to lean into raising her. She is, afterall, your husband's bio child.. he should be doing as much as possible with her and for her while she is on her visits.. even to the extent where he might do a little less with your bio during that time because he is in a sense trying to make up for his lost time with his older daughter. You can bias a bit to your own child... when he is doing things with his other child to keep things balanced in the home.
But, even if she knows you aren't her real mom.. doesn't mean that she doesn't.. (or won't in the future) appreciate what you do for her. and based on her existing feelings of being thrown away... I would try to be as kind to this kid as possible who is already saddled with a pretty crummy situation.
- NotYourAverageStepMama
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
I appreciate the response. I did think of that in regards to steplife with the friend and today on the way to camp I casually asked SD "so you said friend is an only child right?" SD said yes. Then I said "and are friend's parents together?" and SD said yes again.
I am not negating or saying she can't miss her mom, but I don't understand why the word real needs to be added there, she does not call me mom so the distinction feels like a dig.
I know I am not her real mom and never tried to say otherwise and again she knows and so does the friend because the other week I heard this same friend tell another girl at camp that I am SD's stepmom so the distinction has always been there.
When I said I do more with SD, I meant in terms of I do drop off of SD to camp and pick ups every day. My husband works a longer work day than I do so when I am dropping off and picking up DD from daycare, I am also picking up and dropping off SD from camp, it is around the corner. I also am the one who signs up SD for all the activities such as camp and then also dance class and soccer clinic. The sign ups for camp & soccer are at 8 am which my husband has already started his work day. The dance account is my login because DD already goes there for dance. Today is SD's birthday, I wrapped all the gifts for SD for many reasons 1. I am quicker at doing it, 2. I am better at doing it, 3. I have more free time, 4. I wrap the gifts for everyone. DH WILL help me if I ask him to without issue, but we have been struggling with DD's sleep and with SD here, we have limited time together as a couple so rather spend it doing something else.
Outside of bath time for DD, changing DD, and putting DD down, we do everything else all together really as a family unit. I did take SD over the weekend to get mani/pedi because DD just isn't mature enough to sit at a nail salon right now or DH would of went too, but he was trying to be nice for us both to go. SD comes to me about girl things not DH and talks to me about puberty in a round about way that I know what she is getting at if that makes sense. DH does spend quality time with SD, it is just about 1.5 - 2 hours a day that I am on my own with the kids all day because DH commutes to work/is still working when I am off work/haven't started yet and the rest of the time we all spend time together. Heck, we eat every single meal together as a family and we know she doesn't do that at BMs. It isn't like we are making changes to our routine and dynamic as a family when SD is here, she is just a part of the family unit like DD.
I have always been kind to SD, but I also don't want to be a door mat if she is going and talking sh!t behind my back because I don't have to do all the stuff that I do. Like I also made her something for her birthday because I make things out of resin and SD has mentioned a couple times how she really likes one of the things I make so I made her one. I also picked up crochet and yesterday SD and I were talking about what I am making with my first round of granny squares and she mentioned she would like me to make her a blanket which I like doing, but again if she is talking badly about me, I don't want to do those extras. If that makes sense.
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Thread Starter- JRI
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
I'm on the "off the ledge" side, too. But I totally understand how you feel when you're doing everything possible for a child, performing the Mom role to your best ability yet seeing a child yearn and miss an absent or incapable BM. I could write a book about all the Mom things our BM didn't do: failed to schedule follow up orthodontic appts, failed to address physical issues, never attended school appts or games, on and on, not to mention the drug use and volatile romantic relationships. My 3 SKs all lived here full time. I saw this yearning somewhat with the 2 boys, more so with SD. It was worst on Mothers Day when I was neglected yet SD went overboard for BM.
I don't know the answer, it's just human nature for the child to miss their parent doing the right parent thing. I feel so bad for your SD, the post you made yesterday was so poignant. I feel bad for you, too, doing your very best job and not feeling appreciated. Just continue to vent here and keep being that important person in SD's life. If you were my daughter, I would give you a hug.
- NotYourAverageStepMama
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
I am sorry to hear your stepkids went through all that.
I don't care about her missing BM, I know she will always miss BM and probably never see BM for who she is. What bothers me is that if she is going around talking about how I am not her real mom when I am her step mom so that is already clear, it feels like a dig using the word "real" in reference to BM with everything I do for her.
Thank you, it definitely isn't an easy role and you're right I don't feel appreciated with SD using the word real in reference to BM.
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Thread Starter- ESMOD
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
Sometimes kids are just literal. Is that your mom? No she is not my real mom... my real mom lives in X. She is my stepmom.
- dollbabies
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
I don’t think a 9 year old saying you’re not her real mom is rejection of you or an indication that she doesn’t value you.
I think this is just of describing her family set up, using the terminology she hears from her friends and classmates.
I would hate to think that this would affect your feelings for SD.
- Survivingstephell
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
Backing off might be ok but the number one rule of disengagement is to not announce it, just do it. We go into this with the best of intentions but skids have uncanny way of making things clear. I also believe stepparents can teach lessons rooted in real life that bio parents don’t. If she is disrespecting you then you can choose just how much you give her. Go ask your dad is a legit response. I also wonder if you aren’t over functioning for your husband. I’ve followed your story for years so it’s not like I haven’t witnessed the struggles.
- notarelative
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
dollbabies wrote:
I don’t think a 9 year old saying you’re not her real mom is rejection of you or an indication that she doesn’t value you.
This!
Not your real…
My thought is that it’s something heard, not felt. If SD at BM’s house mentions you positively, BM’s answer might include ‘not your real’. As to the friend, she may have heard this somewhere in her extended family.
It’s a phrase that surfaces in blended families, adoptive families, foster families. It’s a phrase you may hear frequently during SD’s teen years. Don’t let the phrase color your relationship.
- Rumplestiltskin
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Re: Need talked off ledge or validated
I had a friend in high school who lived with her mom and stepfather. When she would talk about her “real dad”, it wasn’t a compliment. You just sort of got the feeling he was a deadbeat. Given this BM’s actions, maybe “real mom” doesn’t mean to SD what it means to you.