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1 of 1- fmsl
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Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
Like most people on this site, I have no where else to turn. I am devastated and completely alone. Does anyone know of any anonymous help for someone married to a high functioning autistic/narcissist husband?
I've been married for 20 years. I have been in survival mode since year 3. At first, I thought I was dealing with a highly controlling man with a very short fuse. After several years, I thought SD was the problem in our relationship because every time we dealt with her it was nothing but high conflict and frustration over SD's strange behavior. She lived with us full time, starting at age 5. She's now 23 and living with BM. We only see her once ever year or two. When we saw her last year, I had a huge realization after learning about autism and I am convinced poor SD23 is no doubt undiagnosed autistic. She has all the signs and looking back, while we were raising her full time, she had all the signs her whole life. Regrettably, I just didn't know what it was back then. She did the constant tongue chewing/rolling, repetitive movements with a blank stare, rapid eye blinking, etc. DH tried to beat it out of her. If only I knew...I would have been so much more sympathetic and supportive!
As if that's not enough guilt and shock to deal with, I have been learning about adults with undiagnosed autism. Never in a million years would I have thought I am married to a high functioning autistic man who presents as an extreme narcissist as well. He has said and done so many awful hurtful things to me over the years, both in private and in public. When he's not making me feel terrible with the few words he speaks per day, he is behind a closed office door or sitting on the couch staring at the tv. I am so empty and exhausted from the years of abuse and neglect. I just want to know (or have hope) that there's a chance I can separate myself from this mess someday. We have BD16 so I can't really make any major life decisions for 2 more years. I've survived for 20 so I think I can hang on for 2 more.
BD16 is the one who exposed both of us to autism. Three years ago, she insisted that we get her tested for it. We haven't seen any signs of autism with her but she believes she doesn't "think like other people do." So she went to the library and checked out books to see for herself. I was curious and read her books. She may be slightly on the spectrum but it was glaringly obvious to me that SD23, DH, AND DH's nephew all are full blown autistic. DH has turned a blind eye to any mention of it. There's no way this "perfect" man could have any mental health problems in his family.
Is it possible to have so many ASDs in one family?!
Is it possible for me to escape living in a daily nightmare of heartbreak and operating in survival mode??
- fmsl
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Re: Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
BTW, I'm not new here. I became a member of this group back in 2011, when it was under a different website.
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Thread Starter- Kes
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Re: Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
I can identify with you, my first husband diagnosed himself with autism in his 40s and his was quite pronouned. He didn't say much, and was emotionally abusive to me for much of our marriage. He didn't speak to me for 2 years towards the end, and would walk out of a room if I walked in. This article was a lot of help to me to understand what I had gone through - Married with Undiagnosed ASD - Why women who leave lose twice:
- fmsl
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Re: Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
Thanks Kes! It helps to know I'm not the only one. Did you end up leaving?
I think during the next 2 years, I will be doing some serious consideration for leaving, if possible.
Also, thanks for the article!
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Thread Starter- Kes
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Re: Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
Yes, I did leave him after 24 years of marriage - he actually passed away in 2020. It didn't help much, knowing he was probably abusive because of autism, but it did explain a lot.
- ESMOD
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Re: Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
Honestly, if you are with someone that is abusive, it doesn't really matter the "why".. the "he can't help it"... it doesn't make it any easier to be in the situation.
I do think there is a bit of danger in self diagnosing ourselves or others though. It feels like it's kind of almost something younger people want to have... some mental issue.. that they can use to explain poor behaviors... or just to make them feel unique or special in some way... I mean there are so many "signs"...but just because you have those signs.. it may not even mean you have that disorder. And, we often look for some reason for someone's actions.. when they just may be a plain old jerk.
But in your situation, I would be seeking out legal counsel now.. even if you determine that now isn't the time to pull the trigger. I would also think about your BD in that she probably knows how bad your relationship is... and living in that kind of environment can do it's own kind of damage too... so in the end, staying may not be the answer.. but that's a decision you need to make for yourself. But, understanding what you are likely to walk away with legally.. it's important to start that investigation... and collecting of evidence.. and starting to possibly put a little money aside if at all possible too.
Because, unfortunately, just because you file for divorce does not mean a quick or easy settlement. As my SD is finding out almost 2 years into a contentious proceeding where she has spent a lot and her EX has spent probably as much as he has been ordered to give her (ole cut off nose spite face behavior.) and she still hasn't gotten any more than some child support.
- BanksiaRose
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Re: Recognizing Autism after it's Too Late
I’d agree with ESMOD that regardless of the reason for your husband’s cruel behaviour, the result of how it hurts you is just the same…
And to answer your earlier question whether it’s possible for multiple family members to have ASD or some traits - absolutely. Fragile X is the main reason for autism, which means it’s a genetic disorder travelling via the X chromosome, so it makes sense.
And in regards to your child and staying in this abusive marriage for another two of her formative years - what do you want her to learn from watching you?
Last edited by BanksiaRose (8/01/2026 2:06 am)