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1 of 1- Dahlia8448
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Driving me nuts
Hi all
Just venting really…I feel bad because my partners middle kid (f15) is definitely struggling, and therapists are being looked into as my partner has had it as well. We will call her L.
L will not/cannot communicate her wants and needs very well, leading to endless frustration. L has been bouncing back and forth between here and BMs house this summer.
Her sisters are busy and going to various local camps and having fun, L has picked zero activities and has been at her mom’s house. Then she complains they don’t do anything. So she comes here, hides in her room all day, won’t/can’t eat anything I make, has to be prompted to do the same tiny, simple chores over and over again, then today we had to go to work, leaving her home. L called BM to come and get her, which is fine, but she didn’t bother telling my partner as she is supposed to, and he saw our Ring doorbell go off on his phone and called L to see what was going on, well she called BM to come and get her.
Fine, but she left the house with nothing done and didn’t bother texting my partner. L doesn’t say or do anything, nor has she picked one single activity to do, which she has free rein with, then mopes around and mopes from house to house.
I know she needs help and partner is on it, but it’s driving me up the damn wall and around the bend. It’s like living with a morose Victorian ghost. BM has no set schedule and lets her do whatever, so she mopes around all night and then sleeps/sits around during the day. It’s the saddest existence for a teen and it’s doing her no favors.
My partner has had enough as well, so it’s no good complaining to him, he’s in the same boat right now. BM is just focused on “she should make friends” while skipping over the fact L has zero social skills nor any desire to improve them. It’s absolutely crazy making.
Last edited by Dahlia8448 (7/23/2026 12:18 am)
- MorningMia
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Re: Driving me nuts
Crazy making indeed. Can your DH take the lead on getting her some help?
Sitting back and watching someone disintegrate before your eyes isn't the answer. You're right: it's doing her no favors--not to mention that it is a drain/drag on you!
How frustrating!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Dahlia8448
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Re: Driving me nuts
He is leading the charge, thank goodness. He is currently seeing which therapists will take his insurance. He also wants to start it this summer and have L see a therapist in person rather than via zoom, whenever possible. BM was resistant to there being an issue but now she is on board as well. Personally I’d have been at my wits end before now and trying desperately to get her some help, but I think some parents wrestle with fear and denial.
Anyway I really just came here to vent as it is a safe place. I’m not angry at L nor do I dislike her it’s just driving me absolutely bananas. What keeps my frustration in check is the knowledge she is a teen who needs help. BM and my partner just endlessly catered to L and chalked it up to “quirks” and other such things. Partner finally had it with the bs so he’s on it finally.
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Thread Starter- Dahlia8448
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Re: Driving me nuts
JRI wrote:
Is this the girl who wanted the snake?
Yes it is. Snakes and other things have been put on hold, as this is more pressing. Partner spent a frustrating time with L and it broke him. L is doing drivers ed. so before long he took her to get a learners permit. At the DMV he stood in line and L went to sit down. Partner objected and asked her to stand in line with him to get the permit. L stood with him but was near tears the entire time. Later in the car he asked what was wrong and L just cannot answer him. Any time he asks what’s going on/what would she like to do/what is she interested in doing she has zero enthusiasm or interest in anything and simply cannot answer. L can’t articulate what’s going on with her and it’s deeply worrying. It’s like she is locked in a box.
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Thread Starter- Thinkthrice
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Re: Driving me nuts
And as a landlady, good luck getting an apartment with a reptile. Not that i have anything against reptiles, but I find most people who have reptiles are just looking for attention and care not about their animal(s).
- ESMOD
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Re: Driving me nuts
Sounds like therapy would be helpful for her definitely... it's too bad her parents haven't tried to help her earlier.. 15 is well into having things formed in her mind.
As far as activities... with someone like her, maybe he needs to be more proactive with her on finding something to be productive with during the summer. She needs to be TOLD... not ASKED. She needs to be told that she WILL do something. That if she can't come up with that something then her father will pick a selection of options and she can choose from them. If she won't choose.. he will choose for her.
I get it's probably too late to do anything this year... but if it isn't.. I would think signing her up.. and enforcing her to go to something might be good.
It doesn't have to be "friend" making stuff.. she could do things like volunteer to walk dogs at the local shelter (if they allow minors)... or be signed up for a craft class.. sewing, pottery, jewelry making.
Dad also needs to do a better job at riding her to do her chores.... is there any way that the parents would work together on enforcing rules so she can't get out of things or consequences by going to the other house?
He probably should also have a talk with his daughter about life. My mom did when I was a little younger. She told me that my destiny was in my hands.. and that me failing to do the things necessary.. like schoolwork.. etc.. was only going to hurt me.. she had her masters... she had a job and my parents had a home etc... if I wanted those things.. I was going to have to make my way... and messing up as a teen could torpedo my chance at a good future.
- Dahlia8448
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Re: Driving me nuts
I agree that therapy was and is desperately needed. I really feel the denial was heavy here for far too long.
I think therapy is the first step as trying to “have a talk” does very little. L is trapped in behavior that, to me, indicates neurodivergence rather than just a “kid who doesn’t listen”. Partner has had so many “talks” with her it’s a library of speeches at this point. L is monotone, barely speaks or looks people in the eye, has sensory/food issues, cannot wear certain clothes, repeats the same behavior and speech tics over and over again, has no interest or excitement in 90% of things. Cannot make or keep friends, will literally hide for hours if the house is too full of people for example Thanksgiving. BM blocked any prior attempt to seek help for her as she lived with her primarily until this year. BM insisted she was “quirky” and that was that.
Now it is at the point BM can’t deny L needs help so partner is making moves. L did consent to go to therapy as well. THANK THE GODS.
Schoolwork itself has not really been the issue as she can do the work just fine. However L struggles so much with everything else it’s not going to do much good if she has all “A”s but cannot function otherwise.
Last edited by Dahlia8448 (7/24/2026 5:54 am)
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Thread Starter- MorningMia
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Re: Driving me nuts
He is leading the charge, thank goodness. He is currently seeing which therapists will take his insurance. He also wants to start it this summer and have L see a therapist in person rather than via zoom, whenever possible. BM was resistant to there being an issue but now she is on board as well. Personally I’d have been at my wits end before now and trying desperately to get her some help, but I think some parents wrestle with fear and denial.
Anyway I really just came here to vent as it is a safe place. I’m not angry at L nor do I dislike her it’s just driving me absolutely bananas. What keeps my frustration in check is the knowledge she is a teen who needs help. BM and my partner just endlessly catered to L and chalked it up to “quirks” and other such things. Partner finally had it with the bs so he’s on it finally.
Understood. Our marriage counselor back in the day was a huge proponent of third-party party views, like yours, as the third party is not going to have the biases, the denial, etc.--and he encouraged my DH to listen to other people (like me, his sister, friends). It IS extremely frustrating to feel like you are seeing something very clearly while others are ignoring it and/or denying it. Step situations are frequently so difficult; to have a step kid with issues makes it all the more difficult.
Glad your DH is stepping up! Hopefully, things will feel better for you soon.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.