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1 of 1- Dahlia8448
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Bonkers BM decisions
Hi all, been a while but this has been building up. My partners daughter L (15) has been living with us since about February of this year to attend high school here.
L shows signs of being on the spectrum. Long story short other ppl have noticed and think so as well. The issue is that BM is in massive denial over it, to the point no one can do anything about it. Even their eldest daughter (in college) who is very smart and close to BM, has pointed it out and BM is still denying it.
The latest nonsense is L texting me/us about wanting a pet snake. I don’t mind snakes or reptiles, but they require special care and some live 20+ years! After discussing this with my partner, he is taking her to an upcoming reptile expo near us so she can really see what it entails as opposed to just rushing out to buy pets that sound “cool”, and no promises have been made.
Turns out that BM had told L she could have a pet snake if L “made a friend”! L really has no friends as she barely talks and has limited social skills….because she obviously has some kind of autism related issues!!!! L. also said that BM didn’t want a large snake in her home, which is why we have been pulled into this..trying to see if we will take on a large, long lived, special care pet to make L seem “like the other kids”!
It’s a no, as I’m not signing up to help take care of a pet in our home for the next 20 years just so BM can dodge the issue of her kid needing real help. L has also been coming home straight after school and falling asleep for 3+ hours most days of the week, which is also very concerning to me. That also means she has been missing assignments or being late on them AGAIN.
It makes me nuts and really worried. They fully expect L to go to college (she is very smart) yet they are ready to send her off into the world with little to no help, social skills, time management skills etc. I feel like I’m watching a train crash in slow motion. I have told my partner I am very worried, everyone has. But he is stuck trying to get through to BM that L needs help, and BM blocks it out or falls apart until it’s dropped again. I feel like there is a major blow up coming. Uuuugh.
- Kes
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Re: Bonkers BM decisions
I think it's a bit short sighted, DH taking SD15 to a reptile expo if getting her a snake is not on the cards. If he takes her, she may see that it's too much work, or more likely be ultra keen on getting one because of course all the people at the reptile expo will be very keen on snakes as pets!
- Dahlia8448
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Re: Bonkers BM decisions
Well I think it’s a good idea because honestly she will see what goes into it. And it’s not a “shopping trip”.
Also L will see that there are smaller snakes you can take care of, meaning that if she is dead set on it no matter what, then BM can have it at her house. It’s also emphasizing that pets aren’t just a casual purchase that you muddle through with, and yes there will be enthusiastic snake owners there but the expo also emphasizes education, as breeders are not keen when snakes are surrendered by people who bite off more than they could chew, as it were. And there’s no reason for her to not have one in the future when she is more independent. Learning about snakes does not mean an automatic pass to having one!
Last edited by Dahlia8448 (6/08/2026 11:11 am)
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Thread Starter- JRI
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Re: Bonkers BM decisions
Tough call. I'd be pro expo for the the reason it shows an interesting in SOMETHING. Going with her dad is good, too. Sounds like the more interaction she has with anybody is preferable to her being isolated. We had tons of pets (dogs, cats, mice, snakes, turtles, ducks, fish, horses, pigeons, hamsters, etc) over the years with our 5. It seemed especially good for our blended situation, I can't explain exactly why. DH participated with the boys with their pigeon fancy. Pigeon shows, taking them a distance then watching them come back, driving their pigeon fancier friends home, building a pigeon roost, etc. I participated with DD over our cats. Cat shows, etc
I wouldn't worry about being stuck with the snake. After all ours, the only long lasting ones were the dogs and cats. The others either flew away, died, were given to others or I don't remember. The more important issue for your SD, imo, would be encouraging some kind of interest. It's aggravating that BM is in denial.
Last edited by JRI (6/08/2026 12:40 pm)
- notarelative
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Re: Bonkers BM decisions
Going to the Expo with Dad and learning what the actual care of the snake entails is good, but I'm pretty sure I would not let them go alone. I'd be afraid Dad would cave and they would come home with a snake.
A snake be would be a hill to die on with me. I know it's what happens in the wild, but live feeding in my house is not happening. And I am not keeping a frozen rodent in my freezer.
BM says this child can get a snake at your house if she makes a friend. Does BM expect this child to walk up to someone and ask 'will you be my friend so I can get a snake?'
What this kid needs is a social skills group. Many schools have them. Dad should inquire there about one.
I'd be - if you get a snake you move back to BM's..
Last edited by notarelative (6/08/2026 1:09 pm)
- Dahlia8448
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Re: Bonkers BM decisions
I already told my partner I was not signing up to take care of a snake, if anything happened it was on him. So even if he does come home with one, it’s on L and my partner to deal with it!
It’s the friend part that makes me crazy. It’s taking friendship and turning it into a game to get prizes! In no way is it a good idea. I wish to the gods someone would chuck these daft ideas out the window and do as you suggest, actually tackle the real issues and help L, not make promises as a quick-fix that won’t do a damn thing.
If BM would just get real we could all move forward.
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Thread Starter- Dahlia8448
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Re: Bonkers BM decisions
Well, there is no snake. That idea has been shelved for now. Something better happened, my partner discussed seeing a therapist with his middle kid and she agreed.
She (call her L, f15) just will NOT discuss anything at all with my partner: her feelings, her needs, her hoped for the future, nothing. They went to get her drivers permit at the DMV and they got in line. L wanted to go and sit down, partner wanted her to stay in line with him and she could not deal with it. L did it but was on the verge of tears, and couldn’t explain why. L will not eat any food I make at all, and just wants steak or fried chicken. My partner told L that if she wanted something else to eat she would have to make it herself, which ends up being an egg sandwich. All of these things, and the fact that living with her is like living with a surly ghost, prompted this final push to therapy.
Apparently even BM is on board, thank the gods!!! I’m really hoping she does and they make some headway. I guess it took all of this to finallly put his foot down and insist. L is currently staying with BM for a bit. My partner was completely fed up and didn’t want to take it out on L, as she is obviously struggling and really can’t help it. Living with her was very difficult, it felt like tension all the time. Then feelings of sadness for L as it was blindingly obvious she needs help.
Now she may be on the road to getting help, and it’s great. I know it doesn’t mean instant changes or that it will go flawlessly, but now both parents are invested and that’s a hell of a lot better than before!
Wish us luck.
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