It's a funny thing about "letting go." I ask myself every so often: Where is that line about various situations? Sometimes, looking back, I get angry at times I "let go" when I shouldn't have. I get what you're feeling.

Your DH does not "have" to spend time in situations where BM is there (the meal). He has the choice to make different arrangements with SDs. Unless exes have a decent relationship centered on respect, I don't get why adult kids would insist that they get together as if they are all still a family unit (our marriage counselor back in the day had strong opinions about this). I can't imagine my siblings and I ever having pushed for our divorced parents to join us together for a meal--no matter the event or celebration; in fact, the idea of that would have made us laugh (in horror). . . but it would also have been out of respect for each parent. 

That your DH allows crap behavior from the ex would irk me, too. To me, it sounds like a power play on her part. I'd ask him to stop telling me about these incidents. Period. 

Lastly, DH here goes to see SD and family in another state. I haven't done this, but I have brought up the idea of me going with him but not going to SD's house--not seeing her--but instead doing my own thing and enjoying myself while they visit. Then, of course, he and I would have some time together to do what we wanted. If there is a next time, could you go with DH but still remain separated from the toxic ones? 



 

I call it "the original recipe" (old Kentucky Fried Chicken ad) when the SKs want to see the divorced parents together.  Actually, I understand it.  My dad died in WW2 before I was born so I understand that desire to see "them" together.  That doesn't mean I was happy whenever DH and BM met.  I totally get it and was very jealous of BM back in the day.  Mostly, I feared his love for his kids pulling him back to her.
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One day, I was cured of it after years of jealousy and vigilance.  Oldest grandson was in the hospital and when we visited, BM was there.  She needed a ride home so DH offered (grrr).  He is very witty and playful, but sometimes his jokes to too far.  I got in the car but when she started to get in, he locked the doors and laughed.  When she finally got in, the look she gave him would have killed.  At that point, I realized she was DONE with him. 

In your case, I'd just let it go.  BM's gonna do what she does and DH is wise to let it pass.  He showed up for his DD's event, that's the main thing, good for him.  Enjoy some quiet time.  Peace to all 



 

Yes, Kes, the resentment about all the resources, financial, emotional,, time, energy going to BM and the kids - it frosted me.  I have to say DH did whatever my bios required so I couldn't complain too much and their deadbeat dad was doing nothing   I guess the expectations were what bothered me most.  I didnt care about the required child support or even some of the extras, we did the same for his and mine whether or not it was legally required.  What got me was BM sending over bills with SD's luggage, ie, she was using the cash child support for whatever (not the bills) and expecting him to pay those too.  We eventually transitioned to paying the mortgage and utilities directly instead of giving her cash.  Well, that didn't stop her from whining for $, or sending her"sad" messages thru SD.  It's all an old nightmare now.  This was the type of thing that drove me crazy and made me question his commitment to me.  The truth was he was just trying to keep everybody happy and felt a deep commitment to his kids.

The last time that my DH was around his EX... I was actuually there.  And,I know what you mean about the snarky stuff they like to say... thinking they are at public events, so they think they are so clever and no one will call them on it.

Our situation was 10 yrs ago (yes... bliss of no BM for 10 yrs now).  It was his older daughter's wedding situation... she had a JP type ceremony and we went to lunch afterwards with everyone.   It was not a typical or formal wedding.. no rehersal dinners.. no reception etc... so just lunch... and the deal was everyone was paying for their own meals... his family... our family.. a couple other guests.  most were his family.. anyway..  
So, she pipes up that "isn't it the father of the bride's responsibility to pay for everyone's meal?"... I cut my eyes over.. and said.. well.. BM.. isn't it the bride's family.. that would include you too... you ready to pay up? she shut her mouth... and got beet red.  I knew she didn't have the money lol.

We did end up paying for our meals.. and the couple's meals.  Unfortunately, we really couldn't afford to pay for the whole group of like 20ish people (he was going through a very expensive court case fight against an ins company at the time.. we were running on fumes).. It's not like his family paid for anything either..it ticked me off.. she was just trying to embarass him.  

Kes wrote:

Over the years I've got quite used to DH going on his own to see his daughters, either a day trip (to London to see SD31) or overnight like he is doing this weekend, since SD29 currently lives in the south west.   However, it is rare that BM is involved, but this weekend was an event - a competition that SD29 is taking part in - to become "Bard of Exeter" for a year.  It was a long train journey down to Devon for DH yesterday and I thought it possible that BM would be there - although not likely as she and SD31 haven't been speaking since Xmas.  
BM was there, and was doing her thing where she "banters" with DH - ie makes fun of him in quite a nasty way, I suspect to try and impress her daughters.    He rang me first thing this morning and wouldn't tell me what she'd said so I imagine it was quite spiteful.  I wish he would push back on her and just tell her to stop doing it - he certainly wouldn't take it from me, but he says he lets it go over his head.  He is there for another day including a meal with BM, the SDs and a few friends of SD29.  
I have been aware of uncomfortable feelings - partly because of this and partly because Exeter is near where I grew up and feels like "my" place.  The places DH is visiting all have history for me.   I guess I will have to practice letting go, as I've had to do with so many things in the second half of my life.  

@Kes, this is so tough- yes you certainly would have a mix of emotions when SKIDs and BM are going to your places. It's also always an ongoing struggle because we know that these people are high conflict and we don't like them but it does feel like their is another world outside of you in this family (and there is). My DH recently met up with adult SKID, family and GSKID - I opted out and happily so but you still feel like you are Pluto orbiting further out in space. Hang in there- I am thinking of you. You and I know very well that if you would have attended they would have likely aimed all the horrible ugly stuff towards you. This is the healthier option and know that they likely will not appreciate your special places or know the secret stuff you know- in fact you can opt out to not share extra special stuff and that might make you feel a bit more steady, knowing they won't appreciate the little things, local happenings, etc.