First, welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.

Wow!  IMHO, the event you shared above is potentially the death knell of your marriage.  That your DH would do that is unforgivable IMHO.  I cannot imagine a Skidult having the balls to even make that request as it should have instantly resulted in her being proverbially decapitated by her daddy. Publicly and loudly in front of everyone present.  Though SD's request, DH's instant agreement, and his Reverand Bro's participation is proof that your DH's entire gene pool is shallow, highly polluted, and toxic.

I applaud that you put your foot down with your spineless DH.

I understand the experience of a marriage to a pleaser.  I was one for many years myself.  So was my bride of approaching 32yrs, at least with my IL clan.  I evolved away from being a pleaser due to a failed first marriage to a serial adulterer of an XW and an XIL clan who lived far above their means due to my XMILs long and very lucrative embezzlement career that landed her in prison and the whole XIL clan sued and held liable for repaying $Millions to XMIL's employer.

So, my tolerance of toxicity from my SKid's SpermClan and my incredible bride's family did not take long to reach absolute zero.  After a few years of caving to the toxicity of my SS's noxious SpermClan and her own manipulative family my wife came to the realization that enough was enough and she ended it and all of them.  Zero tolerance, immediate scorched earth response, and committed escalating abject misery brought to bear when they deviated from a state of reasonable behavior.  Fortunately, my SS was a toddler when we met and married. He was raised with limited exposure to the SpermClan and to my IL clan due to us living far from the State of SpermLand.  His mom and I are very proud of the man we raised together and of the man of character and standing in his life, profession, and community that our son is. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.

I truly hope that your DH grows a set, puts a hand between his legs, grabs a big handful, and puts his proverbial boot up the backsides of his noxious spawn and his idiot brother.  He is your DH, he owes you his unfailing respect, support, and holding anyone and everyone to treating you and your marriage together with respect.

Never forget to take care of you.    We do not owe anyone to set ourselves on fire to keep them warm.  

Last edited by Rags (4/14/2026 2:41 pm)

Like ImperfectlyPerfect, I'm steaming angry for you. I'm so sorry you have tolerated this for so long and to be utterly disrespected and humiliated by your husband and his family. 

Your fix? 95% certain, it will not happen. 5% if it does, it will not be followed through on.

I also have a toxic  situation with my most of DHs kids. I haven't seen two of them in over 8 years. The others are move civil and superficial.

THIS, I can say....if my DH ever did this to me....he'd be served with divorce papers the next week. This is BEYOND acceptable in ANY world.

Well, those responses aren't very encouraging. And we discussed the situation tonight and he agrees that it was all wrong, but he would not make the call. He said to wait until the weekend. WTF? I said, "Are you just going to let me bleed until it's convenient for both of you?" And yes, that is what he intends to do. 
I have to say, if I were reading this, I'd be shocked and indignant on my behalf too. And I'd think this marriage doesn't have a chance.
I'm not really prepared for singlehood. I'm just so shocked that everything was livable a week ago and now I feel like I would be out of my mind to spend what's left of my life with this arsehole.
Thanks for all your responses, though. 

IMHO, I think you need to figure out how to let this go.

Is it nice you were excluded? NO... but ultimately, this was HIS mother's funeral and her grandmother's funeral... the grieving get a pass to some extent here.

You don't have a great relationship with his daughter.. that was a given... Everyone was likely in a heightened state of emotion because it was the funeral of someone they cared for.. (mother/grandmother).  This kind of situation is not going to come up very often is it?  So, let it go.. if the balance of your marriage to this man has been good.. and his daughter's presence in your life now is minimal.. don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.. him acknowledging to you that he realizes it hurt your feelings.. but in the moment he was trying to reduce conflict for everyone.. not always the best decision obviously.. but what is done is done.  You can continue to be disengaged... but for the sake of your marriage.. allow that sometimes grieving people don't make the best decisions.. or that sometimes they just have to prioritize their own peace during a stressful time.  

advice.only2 wrote:

He’s been doing this to you for 20 years, he keeps showing you who he really is, it’s time you believe him.  If he ever makes that phone call he will resent you for the fallout, it’s not right, but he’s going to resent you for upsetting the balance of his world.  You need to start looking at this with out the rose colored glasses.  He doesn’t care about you or your feelings, if he did he never would have allowed this to happen.
 

  
Clearly if it's a pattern for 20 years.. it is likely to never change.. and It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about her feelings.. it's that the stakes of standing up to his daughter are bigger than upsetting his wife.. who.. yes.. has stayed for the last 20 years.. likely because in the end.. the balance of her relationship with him is good.. 

At this late date.. the likelihood of anything she wants him to do taking hold and making a change? is likely right around ZERO.. so by holding on to this position... there is not a lot of upside for her.  If he does it.. the daughter acts as expected and ices him out.. he will resent his wife.  If wife continues to "nag" him to do the right thing... he will resent her as well.. so.. her only real option is to just get some selective amnesia with this.

Sometimes we can be right.. or happy.. not both.  If this is such a big issue in her marriage.. then by all means... leave him.  But, forcing him to have some public reckoning with his daughter.. is either not going to happen.. or won't turn out well.. and will blow back on OP.. her best bet .. if she wants to stay married to this guy (assuming that he is otherwise a good partner).. is to just let it go.. disengage from his daughter and minimize her presence in her life.

StandingStrong wrote:

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

Well, those responses aren't very encouraging. And we discussed the situation tonight and he agrees that it was all wrong, but he would not make the call. He said to wait until the weekend. WTF? I said, "Are you just going to let me bleed until it's convenient for both of you?" And yes, that is what he intends to do. 
I have to say, if I were reading this, I'd be shocked and indignant on my behalf too. And I'd think this marriage doesn't have a chance.
I'm not really prepared for singlehood. I'm just so shocked that everything was livable a week ago and now I feel like I would be out of my mind to spend what's left of my life with this arsehole.
Thanks for all your responses, though. 

I’m not one to immediately advocate for divorce. I’ve been through my own 20+ year battle in the toxic step world.

Your other option is to do a complete disengagement from your DH’s family. Let him go alone and plan trips or events for yourself on those days. That’s what I did. I don’t go to weddings, funerals, family reunions, etc that involve DHs kids. Fun fact. DH’s kids barely know his family due to the BM controlling the entire narrative the marriage. So, I have wonderful relationships there. I go to those events. DH’s kids are never invited.

If you are going to stay in this marriage, you are going to have to take some control.

Wise words @StandingStrong
 

I agree with ESMOD's first post and Standing Strong.  I am disengaged from my SD31 and estranged from her since 2022.  I no longer go to anything to do with DH's family, including weddings, etc If you feel the marriage is worth preserving then I'd advocate total disengagement. If DH wants to know why, you can tell him it's because he doesn't make you feel safe in the presence of SD.  

"After a few years of caving to the toxicity of my SS's noxious SpermClan and her own manipulative family my wife came to the realization that enough was enough and she ended it and all of them.  Zero tolerance, immediate scorched earth response, and committed escalating abject misery brought to bear when they deviated from a state of reasonable behavior..."

I did think he might get tired of dealing with his own daughter's sh!t too. But it's 20 yrs now and I don't think my husband is as healthy as your wife. He has a lot of baggage from his marriage to this kid's mother, leaving the kid with the mother, and his childhood. And maybe me too, for all I know. I'm realizing right now that I don't know him too well -- like, somehow I know him less today than I did before that memorial. Or maybe I know him better and I just want to act confused rather than admit the truth.

I rewatched a film the other day, Jindabyne, because I specifically remember a part of the plot that I wanted to think about again in light of this situation: in the film, the wife learns something about her husband's character than she cannot forgive. It's a nuanced thing -- what she learned. (The film is based on a short story by Raymond Carver, the best short story writer ever! That's why it's a razor-thin nuance, but it still carries so much weight. Carver is magical!) Anyway, I feel like that's where I am. I learned something, we all learned something about my husband at that memorial, but I'm the one who cannot tolerate what I learned because it's about me and only me. He even defended my dog against an enormous pit bull like a gladiator once, but this...this is hard to unknow -- that he will defend anyone BUT me. Anyway, my dog died. He didn't even really save him from the pit bull. Hmmm. The things we tell ourselves.

 

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

I guess I should reiterate that I haven't been to ANY of his family functions in a decade. There is no backing out of something I'm not in. This was a special thing. Months before the memorial, knowing stepdaughter would be hysterical and high drama, I specifically asked my husband if he wanted me there. He said YES. I was INVITED. I shouldn't even have to ask if i'm allowed to be there, but I did. He was crushed about his mother. I wouldn't have said no to him right then because it would have felt petty. 
As for confronting stepdaughter at my mother-in-law's memorial, no, I am not that person. I would have looked terrible to everyone if I had done that and she would have been forgiven, but not me. That's also not who I am. I am most unlikely to attack you if you attack me. That's who I am. I don't like gutter sniping and I will hold my dignity -- whatever dignity they haven't already yanked out of me and crapped on. 
I do get a few of you saying I should forget about it. I would if I could. But it feels like I am inviting this treatment if I stay. No one can say, "She didn't know." I know. I wish I could unknow this about my husband, but I can't. He's willing to settle for crap and crumbs in his life and by an extension of him, I must be willing to settle too. But even in this setup, he's getting a lot more crumbs than I am. People PITY him for being between 2 such volatile women! Can you imagine???? No one feels bad that I am on the receiving end of a man essentially having an affair, albeit, with his grown daughter. 
A lot of people didn't really answer the question I asked: is my repair fair? It's not about what it fixes or does not fix. Is it fair to ask him to do this when he's horrified at the mere thought of telling his kid this? 
You know what it reminds me of? I have a hairless dog and they don't dig water. And as I lower her into the bath, I know she's terrified, but I have to laugh a little because I KNOW she's not going to drown and when she's in there, she will relax and feel better. But the fuss about putting that first toe in the water is HUGE! He's not putting her out of his life. Some of you who said my ask is outsized...really? I'm not asking for anything except for him to repeat to her what he is willing to say to me: she was wrong, I was wrong, this can't happen again. It's a small, very small request when you think that he agrees already what happened was not OK. I'm not asking for ANYTHING more than this boundary to be set, but I know what setting it means to him. I just need it. Any thoughts on the actual question? I asked? Remembering, of course, that he and I are super damaged from childhood in ways that make this a bigger deal than it might appear on the surface. Thanks everyone. This has been helpful so far.

In the normal world, your "repair" is fair. In toxic StepHell, it's a joke. Ask me how I know. While my DH never did what your DH did, he still "threw me under the bus" a few too many times for me to tolerate. That is why I did a total disengagement from his kids. And that has not fared well for DH. Recently, he asked me to fly to another state with him to visit SS. Even now...that answer was NO. He's now at the age, he will not travel alone. While it hurts my heart to not help him, he AND his kids have ownership in this. 

After your clarification of your invite to this event, it's clear you need to make modifications in your marriage, if you stay. That insult from your husband needs to be resolved; whether you can do that together or involve a counselor, it must be done. That event is not a "throw over your shoulder and forget" event. It's going to impact your relationship forever if you don't resolve it. I hope you can find a path to fix this.....but keep this in mind. It's nothing to do with his daugher and everything to do with him. 

Last edited by StandingStrong (4/16/2026 7:06 pm)

I was never completely denied permission to attend anything. (As if we need permission to be a spouse.)  But I was ignored. My contributions to conversations unwelcome or belittled. DH “didn’t notice.”  At one point I had a major meltdown, which led to DH at least acknowledging that I was in the room.

All the rest of the shenanigans that went on around me was not my problem to solve if it didn’t involve me. Two situations arose that did affect me. The first was DH backing out of a commitment to me because SD wanted him to do something else “urgent.”  The second was when I was involved in cleaning out DH’s sister’s apartment after she passed. The executor (DH’s brother) specifically asked me to. SD would have been welcome as well but she didn’t arrive until several days after we did. She just assumed everyone would wait for her.

That led to her estrangement. DH has repeatedly asked to discuss it, offered to participate in a counseling session with HER therapist to begin to work through it. She won’t do it, and he can only speculate what her specific complaints are. I’d love to see a bulleted list. Apparently her complaints go back to childhood.

DH was always afraid of losing her and thus complied with her ridiculous demands. He was more afraid of her than afraid of me. Until I made him pick his partner—her or me. If he picked me, it was 100%    full time. If he wanted me to go with him somewhere SD would be (his sister’s funeral for example), I was still his partner and he’d treat me as such. He did. I encouraged him to go see his kids without me, but has never happened. Not my problem.

Turns out he was right. He stopped jumping to her demands and she had no further use for him. So she’s estranged with no reconciliation in sight. DH says he’s never known her to apologize to anybody for anything. He said he’d apologize if he knew what to apologize for. He calls her cruel, and he’s right.

I’m not sure I’d insist on your DH having a conversation with his daughter at this point. But I would insist on a conversation with you about what a partner looks like going forward. Being discarded for her comfort is not it. Then if there is ever another time that you might be in her presence, he needs a reminder of your partnership status and THEN he needs to communicate that to SD. He needs to have a response prepared when SD tells him that she doesn’t want you to be in her presence or even look at her (so mature).  That no longer is acceptable under any circumstances.

And he needs to crawl through glass to show you how important to him you are. He hurt you deeply and he can’t expect you to just “get over it.”

Last edited by Merry (4/17/2026 11:12 am)

ESMOD wrote:

After 20 years of this dynamic.. .I would not be looking at it as "is my repair fair".. but is there any point? which is in your case.. almost certainly "no".  That doesn't mean you forget about it.. but you will have to figure out how to get past it for  your relationship's sake.  And I don't mean the relationship with HER.. but with your husband.

You are free to disengage from HER.. to decline any future situations where you will be together.  You know this was likely a "once in a lifetime" (is dad still living?) situation where you felt you needed to go to support your husband... but there are almost certainly very few other things that you will be in the same position.

It was a funeral... her grandmother.. his mother.. clearly you knew going in that the chance for drama was high... and i commend you for not calling her out in the moment which could have resulted in more blowback with other family.  But, forcing him to confront his child is not going to repair anything.. it will not teach her a lesson.. it will not be him standing up for you.. if he wanted to do that.. you wouldn't even be having this post here.  

Plainly.. he does not want to do it.  If he does it, it will be because you push him to do it.  Just like a child's "sorry" .. when they are made to apologize.. are they really sorry.. or just don't want to get in worse trouble.  From her POV.. it will just reinforce to her that you are trying to drive a split with her and her father.. and very likely he will at some point tell his daughter he only did it because "you" made him.  Is that genuine? is that heartfelt.. NO... so why go through some performative confrontation with this woman who you need to evict from your headspace?  When the only real result of this would be her to "hate you more" and your husband to resent you for making him do something he didn't want to do.. 

In short, where is the upside for you?  It's not like this is a person you need to deal with on a daily basis.. try to let it go.. the fact that he has expressed regret for the situation.. well.. that's probably the best you can get at this point.

I mean.. if this is the straw that broke the camel's back.. divorce him.. and I mean "do it".. not threaten with the threat.. because as it stands.. he doesn't want to do what you want him to do.. is that the end?



 

You nailed it ESMOD.

IMHO there is no need to deal with DH's failed family spawn other than to make it a hill to die on and crystal clear that she will have no presence in your life and if DH does not respect that boundary, neither will he. A very effective element of that is zero tolerance and scorched earth instantly and publicly when she plies her usual stuff and daddy does nothing about it.  If he will not step up and deal with her before you have to, then he can STFU and have your back.  Instant public humiliation for him as well is in order when he does not step up and shut down SD . IMHO.

I am fortunate that my SKid is a good man.  I am fortunate that my bride and I are equity life partners which included being equity parents to what turned out to be only a single spawn in our marriage.  Had my SS been one of those kids, I am completely confident that his mom would have ended him as a part of our marriage and life together before I would have had to.

An interesting happening in my IL clan is that my SIL is all butt hurt about my MIL's upcoming retirement party.  SIL is pushing boundaries that have been clearly stated by a number of others in my IL clan that her GF, that she blew up her marriage and family for, is not welcome at MIL's retirement party and that SIL's STBXH and STBXILs will be there and are welcome.  SIL is looking for the family to circle the wagons in her defense but just is not happening due to her choices and behaviors.  This may be the only time in approaching 32 years that I have seen the IL clan act in unison on anything.  Usually someone is always working to get allies for some attempt to undermine some other faction of the IL clan. This time, SIL is clearly not being allowed to play her usual woe is me crap and her cheat buddy GF will not have a place in the IL clan right now.  With how ticked everyone is at SIL, that may be the case for the foreseeable future.  It is interesting how when there is a collective boundary arrived at that the enemy at the gate has a much harder time than when someone will open a side channel for them to sneak in.

I wish DH would actually have your back and recognize that his place is at your side rather than sniffing after his failed family spawn.

Rumplestiltskin wrote:

In my experience, being the “boundary police” for your partner doesn’t work. Lord knows i tried it for almost 8 years. You end up either lied to, vilified, or both. You’ve set your own boundaries. She’s not allowed in your house and he sees her elsewhere. Another can be that you don’t go to these family events

As far as ESMOD’s advice, weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. How good is the rest of the relationship? How often does his family impact your relationship? Do you still love and respect him (i get that the answer may be no after he convinced you to go then ditched you.)

I left my relationship because the frequency of the shite sandwiches i had to eat was greater than the good that was left after all the stress, broken trust, and disrespect. If i could do it over i would skip the stress of trying to make him into someone he wasn’t.

@StandingStrong - If you are going to stay in this marriage, you are going to have to take some control.

Yep. This.  So many seem to be of the mind that they just go with the flow then get all butt hurt over failed parenting of failed family baggage by a mate, tolerance of toxicity from a mate's historic baggage, etc... 

If a mate has no plan, no spine, and takes no action to address the intolerable behavior they bring to a newer relationship in the form of their Klingon failed family baggage, if things are going to improve then it is up to the new mate to make that happen.  Whether their prior breeder mate likes it or not.  The mate bringing the baggage does not get to define life for their new mate, they do not get to define the new relationship, and they do not get to ignore their toxic baggage that baggage detracts from the best life of their new mate.  The partners should do that. However, if the one bringing the baggage chooses to not participate in the boundaries and standards of behavior and standards of performance, they get no say and the new mate makes the calls.  The one bringing the baggage does not control what their new mate will and will not tolerate regarding the baggage.  Regardless of what age and format that baggage may be.

Ideally the partners actually partner.  One should not have to set themselves on fire to keep the other one, and the other one's baggage warm.

IMHO of course.

I did say that.  Public correction certainly can be humiliating.  The correction needs to be immediate.  Being humiliated is a personal choice. As is tolerating or not tolerating unreasonableness from a mate's failed family baggage and tolerating or not tolerating a mate's failure to deal with it effectively.

Last edited by Rags (4/21/2026 8:40 pm)