This makes me red hot angry for you- I totally understand how you feel- discarded, uncared for & left out to dry. I think a lot of us struggle with this baloney sandwich and I get it. 

My attitude ALWAYS with these toxic SKIDS what do I want out of this?

Getting your DH to state that to SKID isn't going to change her behavior and from what you wrote you just want to be stood up for (rightfully so). 

If you want to get rid of the DH I also get that- there is a profound loss of respect when this crap happens to us.

I am truly angry for you. I have to subject myself to some toxicity in the real near future and I just gave my DH a talking to and said you can NOT put your head in the sand if they behave disrespectfully. I am not 100% certain my DH will come to my aid - history he tends to ignore or "not notice" bad behavior. 
Stand strong and decide what you want. We all deserve better than what you experienced. What absolute garbage you endured. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (4/14/2026 4:06 pm)

A bad situation, I understand and share your anger.  Long term, do you want to stay with DH?  That's the bottom line cuz I doubt he's going to change and your SD won't, either.  Even if he calls, she will believe you're pressuring him, she might even be happy she's caused dissension, my SD would.  You've had a loss of respect for your DH, that's huge. I'm not sure there's a comeback from that.  I suppose you could put it all down to grief if you chose to.  Sigh....

Last edited by JRI (4/14/2026 8:00 pm)

I don't like playing games, but I'd be tempted to pack up enough clothes for a week. Not say another word about this throughout the week. When the weekend comes and goes and he hasn't done or said anything, I'd be tempted to silently put my suitcase in my car and go somewhere nice. Not answer calls. Nothing. Sometimes actions speak a lot louder than words. 

If we are being mistreated and plead to be treated properly, and there is no action as the jabs and insults keep coming, we are silently giving that other person permission or a signal that it's ok for them to keep doing what they've been doing (even when "doing" = ignoring the situation).  

I really hate this for you. What they did was cruel. 

He’s been doing this to you for 20 years, he keeps showing you who he really is, it’s time you believe him.  If he ever makes that phone call he will resent you for the fallout, it’s not right, but he’s going to resent you for upsetting the balance of his world.  You need to start looking at this with out the rose colored glasses.  He doesn’t care about you or your feelings, if he did he never would have allowed this to happen.
 

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

Well, those responses aren't very encouraging. And we discussed the situation tonight and he agrees that it was all wrong, but he would not make the call. He said to wait until the weekend. WTF? I said, "Are you just going to let me bleed until it's convenient for both of you?" And yes, that is what he intends to do. 
I have to say, if I were reading this, I'd be shocked and indignant on my behalf too. And I'd think this marriage doesn't have a chance.
I'm not really prepared for singlehood. I'm just so shocked that everything was livable a week ago and now I feel like I would be out of my mind to spend what's left of my life with this arsehole.
Thanks for all your responses, though. 

I’m not one to immediately advocate for divorce. I’ve been through my own 20+ year battle in the toxic step world.

Your other option is to do a complete disengagement from your DH’s family. Let him go alone and plan trips or events for yourself on those days. That’s what I did. I don’t go to weddings, funerals, family reunions, etc that involve DHs kids. Fun fact. DH’s kids barely know his family due to the BM controlling the entire narrative the marriage. So, I have wonderful relationships there. I go to those events. DH’s kids are never invited.

If you are going to stay in this marriage, you are going to have to take some control.

I agree with ESMOD's first post and Standing Strong.  I am disengaged from my SD31 and estranged from her since 2022.  I no longer go to anything to do with DH's family, including weddings, etc If you feel the marriage is worth preserving then I'd advocate total disengagement. If DH wants to know why, you can tell him it's because he doesn't make you feel safe in the presence of SD.  

"After a few years of caving to the toxicity of my SS's noxious SpermClan and her own manipulative family my wife came to the realization that enough was enough and she ended it and all of them.  Zero tolerance, immediate scorched earth response, and committed escalating abject misery brought to bear when they deviated from a state of reasonable behavior..."

I did think he might get tired of dealing with his own daughter's sh!t too. But it's 20 yrs now and I don't think my husband is as healthy as your wife. He has a lot of baggage from his marriage to this kid's mother, leaving the kid with the mother, and his childhood. And maybe me too, for all I know. I'm realizing right now that I don't know him too well -- like, somehow I know him less today than I did before that memorial. Or maybe I know him better and I just want to act confused rather than admit the truth.

I rewatched a film the other day, Jindabyne, because I specifically remember a part of the plot that I wanted to think about again in light of this situation: in the film, the wife learns something about her husband's character than she cannot forgive. It's a nuanced thing -- what she learned. (The film is based on a short story by Raymond Carver, the best short story writer ever! That's why it's a razor-thin nuance, but it still carries so much weight. Carver is magical!) Anyway, I feel like that's where I am. I learned something, we all learned something about my husband at that memorial, but I'm the one who cannot tolerate what I learned because it's about me and only me. He even defended my dog against an enormous pit bull like a gladiator once, but this...this is hard to unknow -- that he will defend anyone BUT me. Anyway, my dog died. He didn't even really save him from the pit bull. Hmmm. The things we tell ourselves.

 

ThirdChildSecondWife wrote:

I guess I should reiterate that I haven't been to ANY of his family functions in a decade. There is no backing out of something I'm not in. This was a special thing. Months before the memorial, knowing stepdaughter would be hysterical and high drama, I specifically asked my husband if he wanted me there. He said YES. I was INVITED. I shouldn't even have to ask if i'm allowed to be there, but I did. He was crushed about his mother. I wouldn't have said no to him right then because it would have felt petty. 
As for confronting stepdaughter at my mother-in-law's memorial, no, I am not that person. I would have looked terrible to everyone if I had done that and she would have been forgiven, but not me. That's also not who I am. I am most unlikely to attack you if you attack me. That's who I am. I don't like gutter sniping and I will hold my dignity -- whatever dignity they haven't already yanked out of me and crapped on. 
I do get a few of you saying I should forget about it. I would if I could. But it feels like I am inviting this treatment if I stay. No one can say, "She didn't know." I know. I wish I could unknow this about my husband, but I can't. He's willing to settle for crap and crumbs in his life and by an extension of him, I must be willing to settle too. But even in this setup, he's getting a lot more crumbs than I am. People PITY him for being between 2 such volatile women! Can you imagine???? No one feels bad that I am on the receiving end of a man essentially having an affair, albeit, with his grown daughter. 
A lot of people didn't really answer the question I asked: is my repair fair? It's not about what it fixes or does not fix. Is it fair to ask him to do this when he's horrified at the mere thought of telling his kid this? 
You know what it reminds me of? I have a hairless dog and they don't dig water. And as I lower her into the bath, I know she's terrified, but I have to laugh a little because I KNOW she's not going to drown and when she's in there, she will relax and feel better. But the fuss about putting that first toe in the water is HUGE! He's not putting her out of his life. Some of you who said my ask is outsized...really? I'm not asking for anything except for him to repeat to her what he is willing to say to me: she was wrong, I was wrong, this can't happen again. It's a small, very small request when you think that he agrees already what happened was not OK. I'm not asking for ANYTHING more than this boundary to be set, but I know what setting it means to him. I just need it. Any thoughts on the actual question? I asked? Remembering, of course, that he and I are super damaged from childhood in ways that make this a bigger deal than it might appear on the surface. Thanks everyone. This has been helpful so far.

In the normal world, your "repair" is fair. In toxic StepHell, it's a joke. Ask me how I know. While my DH never did what your DH did, he still "threw me under the bus" a few too many times for me to tolerate. That is why I did a total disengagement from his kids. And that has not fared well for DH. Recently, he asked me to fly to another state with him to visit SS. Even now...that answer was NO. He's now at the age, he will not travel alone. While it hurts my heart to not help him, he AND his kids have ownership in this. 

After your clarification of your invite to this event, it's clear you need to make modifications in your marriage, if you stay. That insult from your husband needs to be resolved; whether you can do that together or involve a counselor, it must be done. That event is not a "throw over your shoulder and forget" event. It's going to impact your relationship forever if you don't resolve it. I hope you can find a path to fix this.....but keep this in mind. It's nothing to do with his daugher and everything to do with him. 

Last edited by StandingStrong (4/16/2026 7:06 pm)

I was never completely denied permission to attend anything. (As if we need permission to be a spouse.)  But I was ignored. My contributions to conversations unwelcome or belittled. DH “didn’t notice.”  At one point I had a major meltdown, which led to DH at least acknowledging that I was in the room.

All the rest of the shenanigans that went on around me was not my problem to solve if it didn’t involve me. Two situations arose that did affect me. The first was DH backing out of a commitment to me because SD wanted him to do something else “urgent.”  The second was when I was involved in cleaning out DH’s sister’s apartment after she passed. The executor (DH’s brother) specifically asked me to. SD would have been welcome as well but she didn’t arrive until several days after we did. She just assumed everyone would wait for her.

That led to her estrangement. DH has repeatedly asked to discuss it, offered to participate in a counseling session with HER therapist to begin to work through it. She won’t do it, and he can only speculate what her specific complaints are. I’d love to see a bulleted list. Apparently her complaints go back to childhood.

DH was always afraid of losing her and thus complied with her ridiculous demands. He was more afraid of her than afraid of me. Until I made him pick his partner—her or me. If he picked me, it was 100%    full time. If he wanted me to go with him somewhere SD would be (his sister’s funeral for example), I was still his partner and he’d treat me as such. He did. I encouraged him to go see his kids without me, but has never happened. Not my problem.

Turns out he was right. He stopped jumping to her demands and she had no further use for him. So she’s estranged with no reconciliation in sight. DH says he’s never known her to apologize to anybody for anything. He said he’d apologize if he knew what to apologize for. He calls her cruel, and he’s right.

I’m not sure I’d insist on your DH having a conversation with his daughter at this point. But I would insist on a conversation with you about what a partner looks like going forward. Being discarded for her comfort is not it. Then if there is ever another time that you might be in her presence, he needs a reminder of your partnership status and THEN he needs to communicate that to SD. He needs to have a response prepared when SD tells him that she doesn’t want you to be in her presence or even look at her (so mature).  That no longer is acceptable under any circumstances.

And he needs to crawl through glass to show you how important to him you are. He hurt you deeply and he can’t expect you to just “get over it.”

Last edited by Merry (4/17/2026 11:12 am)

ESMOD wrote:

After 20 years of this dynamic.. .I would not be looking at it as "is my repair fair".. but is there any point? which is in your case.. almost certainly "no".  That doesn't mean you forget about it.. but you will have to figure out how to get past it for  your relationship's sake.  And I don't mean the relationship with HER.. but with your husband.

You are free to disengage from HER.. to decline any future situations where you will be together.  You know this was likely a "once in a lifetime" (is dad still living?) situation where you felt you needed to go to support your husband... but there are almost certainly very few other things that you will be in the same position.

It was a funeral... her grandmother.. his mother.. clearly you knew going in that the chance for drama was high... and i commend you for not calling her out in the moment which could have resulted in more blowback with other family.  But, forcing him to confront his child is not going to repair anything.. it will not teach her a lesson.. it will not be him standing up for you.. if he wanted to do that.. you wouldn't even be having this post here.  

Plainly.. he does not want to do it.  If he does it, it will be because you push him to do it.  Just like a child's "sorry" .. when they are made to apologize.. are they really sorry.. or just don't want to get in worse trouble.  From her POV.. it will just reinforce to her that you are trying to drive a split with her and her father.. and very likely he will at some point tell his daughter he only did it because "you" made him.  Is that genuine? is that heartfelt.. NO... so why go through some performative confrontation with this woman who you need to evict from your headspace?  When the only real result of this would be her to "hate you more" and your husband to resent you for making him do something he didn't want to do.. 

In short, where is the upside for you?  It's not like this is a person you need to deal with on a daily basis.. try to let it go.. the fact that he has expressed regret for the situation.. well.. that's probably the best you can get at this point.

I mean.. if this is the straw that broke the camel's back.. divorce him.. and I mean "do it".. not threaten with the threat.. because as it stands.. he doesn't want to do what you want him to do.. is that the end?



 

You nailed it ESMOD.

Rags wrote:

If he will not step up and deal with her before you have to, then he can STFU and have your back.  Instant public humiliation for him as well is in order when he does not step up and shut down SD.

So your spouse should be publicly humiliated for the behavior of an adult child? If that's a need, the marriage is already over. 

You can't control the behavior of an adult. You can tell them what is behavior you will/will not tolerate. I guarantee you that if I pulled that public humiliation BS on Mr. Aniki, I'd better be prepared for the single life. If we can't have a rational discussion, the marriage is done.

@Rags, you said, "...instant public humiliation for him..."
Now you say, "The intent is not to humiliate."
You're contradicting yourself. 

Unless you're in a relationship where public humiliation is agreed upon and you're into it. Otherwise, not good.

Agree, intentionally humiliating one's partner or ex-partner is not a good strategy, in my opinion.  It shows you up to be not adult, to be an angry child taking vengeance.  I do not like the term "failed family baggage".  I would not describe anyone in these terms, no matter how much they've hurt me.   In March, DH and I hosted his brother here for a weekend.  This chap had really made me feel unwelcome at a family gathering some years previously, and as a result, I'd had no contact with him until March of this year.  But he came, he was charming (well as charming as someone with ASD can be), and we bonded over a few things.  
On Good Friday, I went with DH and we painted a room in SD29's flat in London, and I cleaned her toilet which was badly scaled.  She was re-letting the flat as she's in Exeter for 2 yrs doing an MA.  She was very gracious in her personal thanks to me, and I now feel less anti-her than I did.  This still doesn't apply to SD31, from whom I've been estranged these 4 yrs, but hey ho.  
There are still some folk that I would never want any contact with ie NPD BM and her daughter, SD31.  But I do not consider them "failed family baggage" - a horrible, demeaning term.  We are all just people, struggling to live good enough lives, aren't we? 

I returned this week to a therapist who has seen my husband off and on for many years. She also saw us as a couple about a decade ago. 
She told me my approach is spot on. She said do not change a thing, that is exactly the correct repair for the situation, that repair being: a 3-way call with stepdaughter and husband and me, I remain silent, but he tells stepdaughter 1. your request to exclude ThirdChild was wrong, 2. I should not have agreed to it, 3. I will never exclude ThirdChild again, 4. so don't ask again for ThirdChild to be excluded. 
Of course, it still hasn't happened and I haven't even seen him today -- he's hiding out in this giant house somewhere, I can feel his sh!t energy draining mine. 
Thanks everyone for all your thoughts -- I am reading your comments, but find responding a little awkward on this site.

Rags wrote:

I did say that.  Public correction certainly can be humiliating.  The correction needs to be immediate.  Being humiliated is a personal choice. As is tolerating or not tolerating unreasonableness from a mate's failed family baggage and tolerating or not tolerating a mate's failure to deal with it effectively.

Rags,  Time and place.. the context is important.  This was his Mother's Funeral.  I'm quite certain his "emotional quotient" was just about as raw and ragged as possible at that moment.. he had just buried his mom.. many might be a bit numb and not really thinking straight.. and nothing good would have come from his wife making a scene over the fact that his daughter (that she does not have a good relationship with.. and it has been this way for decades).. asked that she not go to lunch.. maybe because she was being mean-girl.. or maybe because she also was upset after losing her mom and didn't want to spend time with someone she didn't get along with either?

Given that they aren't in close contact with the daughter socially.. it feels like it would be a big stick to use against a situation that is very unlikely to repeat itself because OP can clearly opt out and she can even point to this situation as the reason WHY she refuses to engage when it comes to his daughter.. 

and.. if the balance of her relationship and life with this man have been good.. then sometimes we need to accept that not all is good.. that good people do things that we don't like.. and if it isn't a common situation now and going forward.. we have to figure out how to live with it having happened.. and perhaps without a nuclear threat.