Great video. Thank you so much for sharing it.

The one sentence that was so clear and powerful to me. "Disrespect is not a reflection of our worth, it is a reflection of their character."  Yep, people, have character.  

For people of true quality and character it is often hard to truly gain clarity on seeing low quality and low character people as what they truly are. That is not how we think.  We invest heavily in believing that people can change, they are or cannot possibly be as bad as they have behaved in the past, etc...

Even when clarity is gained quality people carry a large amount of burden related to those of low quality we want far better for and from.  I think this is what much of the burden my SS carries is about.   He knows that the SpermClan are people he is supposed to love and respect. He also knows that they are not respectable and that as much as he loves them, they do not reciprocate in a way that does not cause him pain and is a burden to his life.

This is why I have always hoped for a meteor strike on a SpermClan family gathering that my SS is not at. That way they evaporate, and he can formulate them into something that will not be destructive to his life.

His mom, my DW, has adapted a similar model for her BioDad and his family.  She never met him. My MIL's first DH/DW's BioDad was killed in a single car vehicle accident while my MIL was pregnant with my DW.  The details are that he was stoned out of his gourd on Heroin, not wearing a seat belt, and ran the vehicle into a ditch.  His BFF was riding with him, had his seatbelt on, and was uninjured.  BioDad was ejected then the car landed on him.  Her closest childhood friend/family was her 1st cousin on BioDad's side.  They were exceptionally close as young kids and teens.  Then adulthood progressed and the Unicorn Cousin sadly showed the basic behaviors of that side of DW's family.  Lying, stealing, etc... It broke DW's heart when her person chose to take advantage of DW.  

My MIL waffles between the fantasy of the love of her life first DH and then terror of how she likely would have turned out had he survived. She sees his brother and his wife who are people clearly beaten by their life choices and wonders if he had lived if she would be like them.

Yep, character and respect matter.  We must hold those in our lives accountable for earning our respect with their character and their behavioral choices.  The challenge is, the feelings always seem to get in the way of reality.  IMHO of course.

MorningMia wrote:

I have one of Brene Brown's books. Now I'm going to have to take it off the shelf and revisit it. 

My husband hates when I say (about situations with others), "I'm not explaining myself!" (Interestingly enough, he normally suggests that I not only explain myself, but also hit back, although he never suggested that when it came to his kids.)

One of my favorite come-backs at things like eye-rolls, heavy sighs, or even rude words is, "Is something wrong?" or "Why would you say that?" It stops people in their tracks. Asking why is like magic. I'm not a pro at it (my tendency is to ignore, at least the first time), but when I do it, it's very effective. 
 

I like... "It must be miserable to live life from that perspective."  Then ignore and move on.  Though I will not tolerate toxic. Scorched earth is something I have no problem applying to the toxic.  I ignored and tolerated that for far too long.  When I first made my stand, it cost me a good career at a great company after 8yrs. But I survived and went on to thrive in a different industry with several outstanding companies.

Fortunately, I thrive on change and have a pretty developed sense of adventure for whatever is next.  And I won the bride lottery.   Though I do worry that my wanderlust and career transitions have had some adverse impact on her.

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

That's so tragic, Rags, that your DW's dad died the way he did. Her cousin who slowly transformed into a toxic person, I think that Brown explains that with her insight that if we don't stand up to disrespect, we normalize and internalize it. Brown made it so clear to me how important it is to really recognize and define it, and then draw boundaries around it to protect yourself. I think you've tried to remind us of that a lot here, although I wasn't always ready to listen. 

@MorningMia - I want to read her books now too. I can see how it would work to ask someone 'why' if they're acting disrespectfully. It is non-confrontational too, so I could imagine having used that on SS even as a teen. It could be too late now with SS. He doesn't stay with us anymore, so I only see him in little doses, at least so far. I dread the summer when he's on his school break. But I like the tactic of asking "Is something wrong?" for the future. It says 'I see you' and it also shows that you're not going to let it pass, you're going to hold them to account.

I love it! 
 

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

That's so tragic, Rags, that your DW's dad died the way he did. Her cousin who slowly transformed into a toxic person, I think that Brown explains that with her insight that if we don't stand up to disrespect, we normalize and internalize it. Brown made it so clear to me how important it is to really recognize and define it, and then draw boundaries around it to protect yourself. I think you've tried to remind us of that a lot here, although I wasn't always ready to listen. 

Tjt - My way is not the only way, or even necessarily the best way.  I think in large part it is due to my first marriage where I was all in and my XW was not in at all.   I knew who I was and for some reason I lost track of being the person my parents raised and that I liked being.  I embraced my ILs as my family.  They turned out to be so morally bankrupt and bankrupt of character that I committed to myself to never again tolerate anything but being respected and that those in my life will have no choice but to behave appropriately.   I also made the inviolable commitment to myself that only parents would ever be called mom and dad and only my brother would be my brother.

I won the parent lottery and for some reason I was of the mind that when I married, I would embrace my ILs as my family.  I did not abandon my own family, but I did abandon the incredible example that my parents are as parents and as equity life partners.  Never again.  And for every minute since my divorce (approaching 36 years ago) I have not broken that promise to myself.  I have made mistakes and not been my best for my bride, my marriage, and myself upon occasion, but I recognize when I fail and I make every effort to not repeat those failures.  Nothing that is a deal breaker or a gross violation of our life together, but mistakes none the less.

I find that boundaries and rules are the foundation of quality relationships.  Some relationships are just organic and don't require stated boundaries and rules because those in that relationship are quality people who recognize that quality relationships require that they behave in a manner or quality.  For those who do not have that foundational characteristic, rules and boundaries have to be set and enforced without exception.  Which makes things far easier than trying to navigate a never-ending cycle of random behavioral issues and disrespect.

Just my thoughts of course. And what works for me.

Rags wrote:

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

That's so tragic, Rags, that your DW's dad died the way he did. Her cousin who slowly transformed into a toxic person, I think that Brown explains that with her insight that if we don't stand up to disrespect, we normalize and internalize it. Brown made it so clear to me how important it is to really recognize and define it, and then draw boundaries around it to protect yourself. I think you've tried to remind us of that a lot here, although I wasn't always ready to listen. 

Tjt - My way is not the only way, or even necessarily the best way.  I think in large part it is due to my first marriage where I was all in and my XW was not in at all.   I knew who I was and for some reason I lost track of being the person my parents raised and that I liked being.  I embraced my ILs as my family.  They turned out to be so morally bankrupt and bankrupt of character that I committed to myself to never again tolerate anything but being respected and that those in my life will have no choice but to behave appropriately.   I also made the inviolable commitment to myself that only parents would ever be called mom and dad and only my brother would be my brother.

I won the parent lottery and for some reason I was of the mind that when I married, I would embrace my ILs as my family.  I did not abandon my own family, but I did abandon the incredible example that my parents are as parents and as equity life partners.  Never again.  And for every minute since my divorce (approaching 36 years ago) I have not broken that promise to myself.  I have made mistakes and not been my best for my bride, my marriage, and myself upon occasion, but I recognize when I fail and I make every effort to not repeat those failures.  Nothing that is a deal breaker or a gross violation of our life together, but mistakes none the less.

I find that boundaries and rules are the foundation of quality relationships.  Some relationships are just organic and don't require stated boundaries and rules because those in that relationship are quality people who recognize that quality relationships require that they behave in a manner or quality.  For those who do not have that foundational characteristic, rules and boundaries have to be set and enforced without exception.  Which makes things far easier than trying to navigate a never-ending cycle of random behavioral issues and disrespect.

Just my thoughts of course. And what works for me.

I know that boundaries are important to you and I'm sure you've given that advice lots of times before. Maybe I'm just more ready to hear it now, but these videos have made it very clear to me why it's important and what I can do to enforce them.

Unlike you, my parents were abusive and terrible models. It's no wonder that I ended up in a situation in which one of them is attacking me and the other is holding me down to make attacking me easier. I don't even know why they made those choices, but I do know why I tolerated it. That was just how I grew up. So yeah, childhood sets the tone for life. But I do think that inherent dignity in everyone is there to hold on to and protect if one wants to.

Tryingjusttrying wrote:

SteppedOff wrote:

Brene Brown ❤️ So much!

Did you post about her before? I just listened to another video by her and she said, "I won't set myself on fire to keep someone else warm" or something like that and it it hit me that I read that before on here. I guess great minds think alike! lol.

Anyway, I'm listening to everything I can find and even ordered a book. It's like having a surrogate mom who's imparting her wisdom. It's been edifying.
 

Hi Trying…
I do not recall if I have previously posted about Brene Brown, but certainly have posted using her solid counsel.

I have a bookshelf full of her books and watch and read anything I can…her principles are the best I have ever been exposed to and have become invaluable and successful moving through life. She has many videos online. Have fun discovering!

“There will be times when standing alone feels too hard, too scary and we’ll doubt our ability to make our way through the uncertainty. Someone, somewhere will say, ‘Don’t do it. You don’t have what it takes to survive the wilderness.’  This is when you reach deep into your wild heart and remind yourself, ‘I am the wilderness.”” Brene Brown