I don't thing it's just about money but obviously, divorce is a very expensive process and if the men see a probabilistic mountain to climb before they would be awarded custody.. well, they cut their losses and don't go that route.

I think part of it is still the entrenched gender roles where the woman is often the primary caregiver to kids, so it often ends up following that they remain that after divorce.

Careers.. even when both work, it might be that men's jobs are less conducive to getting time off needed as a full time parent.

Also, in your statistics.. perhaps it's that the men that go all out have a real reason that they need to.. that their ex truly is not a good parent.
 

I think your statistics are probably ok.. it's that maybe the men that go all out win more often because they have kind of met some threshold of need/severity before they will risk that much to try to get it.

The guys that are just normal dudes divorcing normal women.. when both are "ok".. or in the balance of "ok".. no huge difference.. then the odds are stacked against them.

When the dude is really good.. and the woman has some real issues.. maybe those are the cases where guys feel it's worth it.

I also think it's tough for courts to make a call on which parent is "better".. they don't want to put in resources.. like one has more money so they are a 'better' parent.. so, women as the natural caregivers for most relationships.. well.. they usually end up getting an edge.. they were the ones to do the major caregiving for the kids.. so they end up getting custody.

Even as the spouse on the CP side, married to the CPBM with full physical and legal custody, a limited long distance visitation schedule for the NCP, and as a man, I recognize that the alienation industry is highly prejudiced against fathers.  In my SS's Spermidiot's case, it was well earned. No kid should have to be exposed to that POS even if he is their biological father.   Of his 4, my SS is the eldest, only my SS is a successful viable adult.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the convict.  My SS is also the only one raised by the mother. The other three were raised by the same woman, SpermGrandHag, who raised the POS Spermidiot.  Even with that, I see how brutal the process was towards the Spermidiot in my DW's battles to retain custody and protect our son. Even when the Judge was clearly biased toward the SpermClan and very frustratingly had no choice but to rule in DW's favor.  That was prior to the arrival of any of the subsequent 3 Spermidiot spawn.

I have friends and colleagues who have been destroyed in the process. Destroyed financially, emotionally, and parentally.  They were able to recover, have solid marriages and second families.  Though they basically lost their first family children.   Though one got custody when his XW ran off to sail the world (Joined the Navy) leaving three young girls on his doorstep.  Their agreement was for joint/50:50. She joined the Naval Reserve then shifted to Active Navy during basic training.   That was it. He took the kids, she went on to a navy career and had intermittent contact with their DDs.  

Another is a former employee who ended a marriage while on active duty after 10+yrs of marriage.  His XW could have taken half of his retirement.  He offered her $30K in cash in lieu of a share of his retirement. She saw the $$$ and agreed.  He got out with his retirement intact but lost his boys.  Interestingly, his XW is going through a second divorce. and has 2 young kids (6&8) with her second DH.  Her STBXH reached out to my colleague recently to write a support letter regarding their joint XW and her her history of alienation, etc...  My friend declined to write the support statement letter.  Until this coming August when his youngest turns 18 and ages out from under the CO.   He told me that as soon as his youngest is emancipated at 18yo and CS ends he will write the letter for her newest XH and he will drop her off of his cell phone plan. Apparently the STBXH intends to delay and be a PITA for another 6mos so he can take the letter from his STBXW's first XH to court. 

When her STBXH moved out he dropped her from his cell plan cut off all finances, etc... When her STBXH cut her from the cell plan, my colleague added her to his plan so she could easily contact him, and he could easily contact her.  Their eldest is 19, on the spectrum and the XW isolates the boys from their father.  He and I spoke last Friday.  He says that once his youngest ages out from under the CO and he is off the hook for CS or any further need to interace with his XW that he just wants a chance tell his sons his side.  After that he will leave the path forward regarding a relationship up to them.  He is not confident that there will be any relationship at all.

I understand that every divorce is at some level unique and at some level the relationship that any COD has with their parents is also unique.  But the preponderance of the evidence is that the system is severely biased against dads.  States apparently make money on that bias in federal money based on CS enforcement.

Last edited by Rags (2/16/2026 10:54 pm)