I'm hoping your SS's behavior is only due to immaturity and that he will outgrow it as he matures.  However, this is similar to the destructive, manipulative behavior of my SD64.  She's been a manipulative liar since I met her 54 years ago.  She's never cared who she threw under the bus including her own mother and children.  All to get her way, to gain an advantage, get money.  And, my DH88, like yours, just wants to make her life better.   I understand his feelings and might feel the same if one of my bios were in that position, I don't know.

All of it is so incredibly frustrating for you @Tryingjusttrying. I am also outraged that SS texted such an inappropriate message that disregarded your and his relationship. I really hope you steer clear from this SOB- he's clearly drama, never going to have anyone's back and I don't think it will get better. Detach, disengage and don't give him a shiny penny whatsoever. Hopefully Daddio can stay in line but it is just hard to believe that these DH's cannot see how incredibly disturbed and horrible their wittle baby adult sons are. I struggle with this too when there is clear disrespect and mega behavior problems- all he can see is an innocent boy who's lost his way not the balding, overweight, large adult male who is pushing for dad's wallet. It's unbelievable. '

Also I really don;t like that your DH was erasing texts on you- its deceptive. 

Last edited by ImperfectlyPerfect (1/08/2026 2:26 pm)

Thanks JRI. You've shown us that these behaviors can last a lifetime. Every time I think maybe SS has changed, I see signs that he hasn't, and in many ways, it would be a lot easier to accept that and move on. But you've also shown that that's hard to do too. The problem is that you have a heart, that pesky little thing.

Kes, I used to think that the three of them were enmeshed, and they probably still are. I worked hard early on to get DH to disentangle himself from the triangle, and especially from BM. In the past, she would call several times a day demanding that dh straighten out "his son". Sometimes she would demand "meetings" in which she held court and aired her grievances. I persuaded dh that he was adding fuel to the fire by giving her attention. Once he stopped responding to her, she lost her motivation, and the calls stopped. But I'm inclined right now to let them text. Her texts are reminding dh that SS lies and is disrespectful to her, but when called out, he'll deny it. When I point out that SS can be duplicitous, DH dismisses me and chalks it up to the ongoing "bias" I have against SS. But it was clear in the texts that SS is duplicitous. The way he was like 'of course I didn't do it, mom, c'mon, what do you mean?' It was very slick.. Funny enough, DH didn't push back against BM at all when she called SS a 'liar', not even a little bit. That confirms that dh knows, yet he's going to gaslight me into thinking that SS doesn't lie anymore.

I agree, Imperfectlyperfect. We've talked a lot on the other board about why BioDs become disneyfied. I shudder at the thought of a balding man grabbing dh's wallet. That is quite a vision, but I can totally picture it because I can see my SS in that role. I can't be sure that dh was deleting texts, so I suppose I should give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

@Rags, exactly!! After I posted, that thought occurred to me. I think that if I was more like his mom, and yelled and had it out with him, SS would have been familiar with that and able to give it right back. Instead, I disengaged and maintained that, and that was something he didn't know how to handle. 

@Rags, thanks for the reminder. That's something you used to say a lot on the old forum - past behavior is the best indicator of future performance. Trying to decide whether SS has genuinely changed when he seems to be acting better, or whether it's just an anomaly and to remain cautious has left me anxious in more cases than one. But it can be so hard to decide, especially when the SK is a teen and subject to change. That comment by SS that his parents should get remarried already shows that he is still trying to exclude or erase me. DH wants to claim that if I still perceive hostility from SS, 'it's all in my head'. This incident has convinced me yet again that I have good reason to keep up my guard. The older SS gets, and the more it happens, the more confident I am in my own perspective.