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1 of 1- FloralSM
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Dementia
Hi everyone! Good to see a lot of you from steptalk! Thanks Aniki for this websit.! I have come to use steptalk as a comfort over the years so I’m glad we can all still be in contact.
I am now living rural with DH and our 3 little ones (DD5 DS2 and DD8months). Absolutely loving it. We live 7 hours drive from BM and the skids and the drama has amped down 150% as we now are not there.
Our care is once a month when we make a trip down to see them for a weekend and a 6 weeks a year in holidays.
Anyway my post is about my mum. She is showing early signs of dementia and it’s rattled me a lot. I am VERY close to my parents. I talk to my mum every day on the phone and we just have that relationship.
In the past 12 months I feel like I’m losing her and in a way forgetting what she was which I think is really what I’m finding hard.
She’s declining her regular social gatherings, irritable, and says odd things. She is slow and gets overwhelmed with appointments and dates on her calendar. I can’t call her anymore and say ‘hey mum, what are you doing next week?’ She will get all flustered and anxious. She sometimes forgets where she is and think we are somewhere we aren’t. It’s really sad to see someone I have always relied on to be there for me, not be there for me mentally anymore.
The other day I had all 3 of my kids (3 under 5) in a trolley food shopping and I saw a young woman pushing a trolley of food and her mother pushing her baby in a pram behind her. I got so emotional and started crying because my mum can’t do that with me anymore.
Anyway it’s just a new hurdle I’m experiencing. I feel guilty for moving so far from my parents now, but it was the best for my family and I know my parents support me, I just feel bad when my mum says she keeps forgetting she can’t pop over and see me anymore. She’s seeing a psychologist which I think will help her for the mean time.
- Kes
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Re: Dementia
The way you mention your parents - it sounds like your Dad is still around so at least your mother has some help. Both my parents and my exH had dementia before they died so I have some experience of it. At some point I stopped talking weekly on the phone to my Mum as she couldn't manage it any longer. It's possible to manage quite well as long as you and your Dad make adjustments in your expectations of her. When talking to her, it's best not to correct her and try and put right things she says - just go along with it. Eventually they may need extra help or for your mother to go into a care home. It is possible for people with dementia to stay home - some neighbours of ours kept her mother at home with them - but it is a lot of hard work and they had carers in twice a day.
I would suggest that you make the most of the times while your Mum can still have a conversation. Long term memory is the last thing to go so it's good to look at old photos etc with them as they can still converse about those.
Last edited by Kes (11/30/2025 1:35 am)
- MorningMia
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Re: Dementia
Congrats on your new surroundings! We lived 8 hours from HCBM; had we lived any closer, I'd still be single--or married to someone else. lol.
I, too, moved away from my mother after living very close to her for 14 years and being "that person" who she could rely on. I was working with my siblings to make arrangements for them to step in, as her health began to decline. Like your situation, it was best for us to move--and especially for my career (it was literally an offer I couldn't refuse). Living near my mother (widowed--her 2nd husband) had hit me hard financially because of the location and the lack of opportunity there. There comes that time when you know that you have to do what is right for you. And I know it's difficult. And it comes with a lot of guilt.
Like Kes said, it sounds like your father is with her, right? In my situation, I told my siblings it was time for them to step in within 3 months of my move, and my brother did, thank God.
I eventually "lost contact" with my mother because of her severely declining health. She often would not answer the phone and she stopped using the computer. I'm wondering in your situation if you can visit with your mother virtually, on camera?
Also, has she been diagnosed with dementia? I don't know much about it, but I do know that there are some effective medications available, especially during early stages.
Best of luck with this situation. I know it's difficult.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Aniki-Moderator
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Re: Dementia
My mother had dementia. Dad was her main caretaker I was his biggest helper. Another sister also helped, but did not live as close. Oldest sister out west was unable to do anything other than call semi-regularly. Both brothers lived closed but were in denial about the severity of her condition and did eff-all to help. Their idea of helping was to take Dad to lunch once or twice a year while I stayed with Mom. 🙄
Please don't feel guilty. You parents would want you to live your best life. She's seeing a psychologist and she has your dad, which are good things. There have been advancements with some medications and more and more places have senior daycare available. Please ask your father to make sure she gets a full medical workup as there are other treatable conditions that can cause dementia, like thyroid, tumors, vitamin deficiencies, and infections. 🙏
- Yesterdays
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Re: Dementia
My mother in law has dementia. She has gotten quite cranky and irritable the last couple of years. She tends to repeat the same things over and over to us when we visit. It's gotten harder to help her. She's in a retirement home which provides 20 meals, bus trips, excursions and activities etc. What we help her with is groceries and visits and shopping. We like to buy her things that she can't lift on her day trips, like milk, water Powerade, yogurt etc. One thing I have considered also is that we could probably order her groceries online through Walmart or Instacart, etc. The difficult thing for us is she is very picky. She hyper fixates on things like milk expiry dates. She often gets emotional as well, crying and upset about things and getting overwhelmed.. Often saying that she has too much to handle, but it is just a small thing like her lamp lightbulb burnt out. Things are just getting harder for her.