If I cared, it would irritate me how rude and overt she was about it.  Since I do not care, I would have called her out about it in front of daddy.

"Wow DH, it must really embarrass you how rude your daughter is being to your wife." Instantly, in real time.

I think I would have taken the Belgian chocolate from DH and said  directly to SD, "I will very much enjoy this in the mornings during this winter. I might even make one for your father upon occasion so we can enjoy it together.".  Then dropped in a chipper clearly dismissive "Toodles" directed at SD as she flounced away thinking she had pulled something over on her daddy and on me."

Instant embarriassng humiliation is a great behavioral modification tool.  Directed at SD and for DH's edification.


 

Last edited by Rags (10/28/2025 1:33 pm)

She probably got it on the flight home and just didn't use it, I doubt it was even something she thought about.  She put more effort into the intentional snub.

Reading your story, it seems very obvious that it was deliberate and passive-aggressive, and I think you know that. But perhaps you have a seed of doubt? Unfortunately, when I'm in the same situation, I become full of self-doubt. I hope I can remember if and when it happens again that I can trust my instincts. Your SD and my SS doesn't have to carry a neon sign around their neck with the words, "F***ing with you right now". It's going to be subtle, of course. Otherwise they wouldn't get away with it with the DHs.

But I do wish that your dh and all dh's, including mine would call a spade a spade. Do you think your dh knew what SD was up to? I think that it's too inconvenient to confront it, so they let us take the fall over and over again. Sorry if I'm projecting, but dh does that to me. Maybe not consciously, but I get the sense that it's just too inconvenient for my dh to address SS's behaviors in a full way. So he'll turn a blind eye and let me feel uncomfortable. It's just an unfortunate side effect.

Aniki-Moderator wrote:

It is an intentional snub meant to leave you out, hurt your feelings, and throw in your face in front of your husband that you are 'unworthy' of her time, attention, and affection.

The old version of Aniki would have been hurt by that deliberate craptstic behavior and Mr. Aniki would have been both embarrassed and unwilling to call out an SD for fear of deepening the PAS and step-PAS.

Fast forward to now... DH would say "For us? We'll enjoy it." If it was pointed out it was just for him, he'd either ask what they got for me, hand it back and say he couldn't accept it, or say he'd take it to work for the guys to enjoy.

And me? I'd think it was deliberately rude and a poor attempt to try and hurt my feelings, but unsuccessful. Things like that only bother you if you let them. I moved past that and refuse to let childish behavior affect me on any level. That applies to everyone; not just skids. 

Don't fall for it, Meera. It's simply a cheap dig to try and get to you.

You have no idea how helpful your advice is. I already know that her behavior is petty and unimportant but somehow it still bother's me. Hearing the perspective of other's helps me get through my feelings. I love that your husband says "For us?" and "We'll enjoy it." 

Winterglow, In the past I have definitely thanked OSD on behalf of both of us for gifts she gave to ONLY DH. I rave on and on about how much we'll enjoy the gift. 

This time I was still recovering from the flu, brain-fogged and just didn't have the energy to respond much at all. OSD is an expert at playing the whiny baby victim but she is actually very capable which makes her more dangerous. She's the type that tells convincing lies about how she was "left out" or treated poorly. People often give her the benefit of the doubt, poor child of divorce, she's still so young, she's having a hard time ... blah blah blah.

She did crash her cousins wedding (Had a crying fit where she made it all about herself.) I think several family members did see through her charade and were bothered by her behavior. 

Rags, that would be correction without connection which doesn't really work, especially when you're already being portrayed as the "evil step-mother." I have no desire to discipline a grown-arse woman. 

Tryingjustrying, DH cycles through denial and knowing depending on the moment but ultimately, yes, he knows she's being a little sh*t. He doesn't address it to avoid conflict. 
 

Last edited by Meera (10/28/2025 8:03 pm)

Kes wrote:

Deliberate rudeness is a pathetically immature way to behave, and I would not drag myself down to her level by retaliating in kind.  For myself, I tend to accept that people are the way they are, but adjust my proximity to them accordingly.  

This is great advice and I completely agree but it is hard because it is impossible to avoid her. If it were up to me I would never see her again. DH of course wants to have a relationship with her and since she is now triangulating - playing nice with DH - while simultaneously intentionally snubbing me, I am left being the target of her bag 'O crap.

When she was a teen and early 20's she treated DH like dirt but now she is being syrupy sweet.

OSD is like BM in that she is a pushy, domineering force that imposes herself on others and unlike BM she is also fairly smart. She is a know-it-all that has no concept of deferring to wisdom. It's weird how similar OSD is to BM. Even weaponizing gift giving is something that BM did. 

I am more of a quiet introvert and I have no desire to insert myself into other people's business. 

Kes wrote:

Meera - your account of your OSD could have been written by me about SD30 - she is syrupy sweet to DH - whilst having been horrible to him in her teens and early 20s. She is pushy, domineering, a know-all and manipulative. Like you I am a quiet introvert. 

Ugh I feel for you. I have no desire to match SD's energy but one has to push back and have boundaries with someone like her to prevent her from taking over. It's exhausting. 

I have been there. Over and over. When this (and other) behavior continued into skids' adulthood, I was done. I stayed away from them as much as possible, SD was barred from the house, I didn't meet them anywhere, etc. 

Then DH had his health crisis. Skids came here and stayed in our home, and it was pure hell (silly me thinking they wouldn't act like untrained monkeys during a crisis). Shortly thereafter, at Christmas, SD sent up homemade bread and cookies. Since she and I had talked about this kind of bread, I honestly thought the bread was for me, so I texted her thank you and told her I would enjoy eating it. She apparently panicked and quickly texted DH to tell him the bread was for him. I was laughing, knowing I had upset her by "accepting" her gift that, once again, was for DH and not me. 

My motto: F these people. 

Yesterday my DD22 happily gave US a very nice gift. (valued at around $60) She is such a delight and she has a sparkling personality. Such a contrast to the diablas. I am so grateful to have a beautiful and kind daughter. 

Last edited by Meera (11/20/2025 10:54 am)

Oh, I don't expect anything but venom from her. I know on a conscience level that I shouldn't care or "nurse the hurts" but I still feel what I feel. That's why I'm letting off steam here. 

It's not a one time thing but a pattern of SD's weaponized gift giving to make sure they make a point of leaving me out. I tried to take the high road and gave them small but thoughtful gifts. I cooked for them, cleaned up after them. In return they reciprocate rudeness. I stopped trying. 

I would never give my Dad and Step-Mom a gift that would typically be given to a couple to ONLY my Dad, especially not right in front of my Step-Mom. It's just rude. My step diabla gives ONLY DH things like, 2 mugs, a serving bowl, or perishable foods. I don't say anything about it to SD but I still find it to be rude and in bad taste. 

I judge her as a horrible person, not just to me but in the world in general. The fact is she has many relationship problems due to her rotten personality. Her own friend groups have told her they can't deal with her anymore. Then she comes home and cries, poor me, "What did I do?" 
 

Meera wrote:

Yesterday my DD22 happily gave US a very nice gift. (valued at around $60) She is such a delight and she has a sparkling personality. Such a contrast to the diablas. I am so grateful to have a beautiful and kind daughter. 

My daughter and her husband are delights. When DH’s relationship with SD blew up, I found myself going quiet about my own daughter’s accomplishments, news, whatever so he didn’t “feel bad.”  Well, F that. I was too quiet for too long, and I’m not ever going there again. He can feel however he feels.

Rags wrote:

Meera wrote:

Oh, I don't expect anything but venom from her. I know on a conscience level that I shouldn't care or "nurse the hurts" but I still feel what I feel. That's why I'm letting off steam here. 

It's not a one time thing but a pattern of SD's weaponized gift giving to make sure they make a point of leaving me out. I tried to take the high road and gave them small but thoughtful gifts. I cooked for them, cleaned up after them. In return they reciprocate rudeness. I stopped trying. 

I would never give my Dad and Step-Mom a gift that would typically be given to a couple to ONLY my Dad, especially not right in front of my Step-Mom. It's just rude. My step diabla gives ONLY DH things like, 2 mugs, a serving bowl, or perishable foods. I don't say anything about it to SD but I still find it to be rude and in bad taste. 

I judge her as a horrible person, not just to me but in the world in general. The fact is she has many relationship problems due to her rotten personality. Her own friend groups have told her they can't deal with her anymore. Then she comes home and cries, poor me, "What did I do?" 
 

She has been told that people can't deal with her anymore. But have they gone into repeated ad nauseum detail on what specifically it is that they cannot stand about her?  Maybe they have but even if they have, she clearly does not listen since she cries about "What did I do?"



It may be time for her to face this discussion continuously until she adjusts her behaviors... permanently.
 

DH tells me about her friend group problems so I am uncertain what her friends say to her but I know that when SD comes back here, she pouts and whines about it. 

When DH attempts to address her behaviors, she immediately starts to wail and becomes so hysterical that nothing can possibly get through. Of course her hysterics is a manipulation tactic. She wants to keep everyone walking on eggshells around her. I think discipline has been too little too late with this one. They created an insecure wanna be alpha monster.