Very much agree with ESMOD. Based on what you’ve shared, packing everything up and giving his possessions to his siblings seems like an overreaction. He’s being sh!tty, as a lot of teenagers are, but nothing (you’ve shared) that he’s done is unforgivable.

If rooms needed to be rearranged to make things more comfortable for everyone who lives there full time, I totally get that. But completely packing away everything he owns and relegating him to a bed in the basement is too far, in my opinion.

There are ways to make it clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable that don’t send the message that he is unwanted and unloved. When/if he finds out that you’ve essentially erased him from your home, it will make reconciliation a mountain to climb rather than a hill. Maybe your husband doesn’t care, but I can’t imagine a loving father allowing this.

I agree.  You and your DH are the best judge of what should happen next - not people on here.  Do what feels right for you.  
 

Felicity wrote:

Very much agree with ESMOD. Based on what you’ve shared, packing everything up and giving his possessions to his siblings seems like an overreaction. He’s being sh!tty, as a lot of teenagers are, but nothing (you’ve shared) that he’s done is unforgivable.

If rooms needed to be rearranged to make things more comfortable for everyone who lives there full time, I totally get that. But completely packing away everything he owns and relegating him to a bed in the basement is too far, in my opinion.

There are ways to make it clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable that don’t send the message that he is unwanted and unloved. When/if he finds out that you’ve essentially erased him from your home, it will make reconciliation a mountain to climb rather than a hill. Maybe your husband doesn’t care, but I can’t imagine a loving father allowing this.

I don't know, I don't think a 15 year old needs an iron man action figure or an animatronic dinosaur. They are only in his room due to laziness, not because he wants them. They were still not unpacked from a box from when we moved into this house LAST OCTOBER.

So yeah, the littles are getting his toys.

Our basement isn't a dungeon. Our 2 youngest share a room down there across the hall from DH and I. It's a normal house it's not like he'd be covered in cobwebs while he sleeps or be smelling mouldy concrete all night. It's just not his own bedroom. But he's not coming back so what the sleeping arrangements are is completely irrelevant.

1dad6kids wrote:

ESMOD wrote:

IMHO... 

I get the kid has been difficult.. and I get that he has not been at your place for a couple weeks.. but packing up his room after a couple of weeks and what appears to be pretty minimal effort from your DH to actually go see his son in person.. vs trying to handle his parenting via IPHONE... that seems hasty.. and also seems to be a big message to the kid that he is totally expendable.. that his dad will not have any problem turning his back on him at the drop of the hat.

I know that you got ticked when he wanted to blow off plans to take him driving.. but it seems like this has gotten way blown out of proportion.. and the kid is being painted into a corner.. and you are being way to quick to want to cut him out of your life.

I don't know why your husband would allow you to do this.. seems way too fast.

I mean.. if there is a  better arrangement for rooms in  your home.. where visiting kids would share or something.. that is something that could be considered.. but I don't feel like boxing his stuff up is going to do anything to help a possible reconcilliation.. you may not want one.. teens can be crap.. I get it.. but he is your husband's son.. he may resent you pulling the ripcord ... or maybe he is a crummy dad who really doesn't care much?

I mean.. the kid is responding to his texts to an extent.. why couldn't your husband try some midway situation... see if the kid would see him after school go have lunch together.. go for a walk in the park.. whatever.. something that isn't necessarily demanding an overnight.. but a way to break the ice and pave the way for it?

DH told SS15 if he was choosing to stay at his mom's he would be giving up privileges reserved for household family members, including a private bedroom. But that he would always have a place to stay.

I'm just doing the legwork, the plan was already in motion when SS15 said he wasn't coming back.

DH has tried to reach out to SS15 for a meeting, he refused. He keeps blaming anxiety and saying he's not ready. BM texted DH and said SS15 was staying with her indefinitely.

My DH is a very loving father, but he works full time and has 5 other children who live here and need him. He can't bend over backwards for a teenager who doesn't care.

I get that this is a difficult situation.. and the kid is not cooperating at this moment..  but I would hope his father would continue to work at this.  IT sounds like the blow up was over some things that in the end were not all that major.. teen trying to get out of plans he had made and shirking a chore.. certainly things he needs to understand are not going to be popular with his parent.. but not exactly things he would get the "death penalty" for.  And.. right up to this time.. he is doing ok.. having a nice meal with you?  It seems like the kid has gotten painted into a corner.. idk.. maybe with 5 other kids.. he is acting out due to that.. wants attention?  who knows.. but I think 2 weeks is quick to make such major changes in the living arrangements.

I do agree.. it's your and your DH's home.. you can arrange it as best suits the family.. but it feels fast.. and it feels that your DH needs to make more time for this kid right now.. is it always fair and equal with all kids?  no.. sometimes a kid is sick.. or has a mental issue or substance issue.. and it takes more family time and resources.. it is what it is sometimes.. certainly you don't have to do the chasing and working with his kid.. but he should be.

ESMOD wrote:

1dad6kids wrote:

ESMOD wrote:

IMHO... 

I get the kid has been difficult.. and I get that he has not been at your place for a couple weeks.. but packing up his room after a couple of weeks and what appears to be pretty minimal effort from your DH to actually go see his son in person.. vs trying to handle his parenting via IPHONE... that seems hasty.. and also seems to be a big message to the kid that he is totally expendable.. that his dad will not have any problem turning his back on him at the drop of the hat.

I know that you got ticked when he wanted to blow off plans to take him driving.. but it seems like this has gotten way blown out of proportion.. and the kid is being painted into a corner.. and you are being way to quick to want to cut him out of your life.

I don't know why your husband would allow you to do this.. seems way too fast.

I mean.. if there is a  better arrangement for rooms in  your home.. where visiting kids would share or something.. that is something that could be considered.. but I don't feel like boxing his stuff up is going to do anything to help a possible reconcilliation.. you may not want one.. teens can be crap.. I get it.. but he is your husband's son.. he may resent you pulling the ripcord ... or maybe he is a crummy dad who really doesn't care much?

I mean.. the kid is responding to his texts to an extent.. why couldn't your husband try some midway situation... see if the kid would see him after school go have lunch together.. go for a walk in the park.. whatever.. something that isn't necessarily demanding an overnight.. but a way to break the ice and pave the way for it?

DH told SS15 if he was choosing to stay at his mom's he would be giving up privileges reserved for household family members, including a private bedroom. But that he would always have a place to stay.

I'm just doing the legwork, the plan was already in motion when SS15 said he wasn't coming back.

DH has tried to reach out to SS15 for a meeting, he refused. He keeps blaming anxiety and saying he's not ready. BM texted DH and said SS15 was staying with her indefinitely.

My DH is a very loving father, but he works full time and has 5 other children who live here and need him. He can't bend over backwards for a teenager who doesn't care.

I get that this is a difficult situation.. and the kid is not cooperating at this moment..  but I would hope his father would continue to work at this.  IT sounds like the blow up was over some things that in the end were not all that major.. teen trying to get out of plans he had made and shirking a chore.. certainly things he needs to understand are not going to be popular with his parent.. but not exactly things he would get the "death penalty" for.  And.. right up to this time.. he is doing ok.. having a nice meal with you?  It seems like the kid has gotten painted into a corner.. idk.. maybe with 5 other kids.. he is acting out due to that.. wants attention?  who knows.. but I think 2 weeks is quick to make such major changes in the living arrangements.

I do agree.. it's your and your DH's home.. you can arrange it as best suits the family.. but it feels fast.. and it feels that your DH needs to make more time for this kid right now.. is it always fair and equal with all kids?  no.. sometimes a kid is sick.. or has a mental issue or substance issue.. and it takes more family time and resources.. it is what it is sometimes.. certainly you don't have to do the chasing and working with his kid.. but he should be.

Nah. I support DH in that he has done all he can to get SS15 back in our lives right now. SS15 stopped responding to texts and so has BM. He tried calling and FaceTiming and SS15 won't answer.

What would you have him do? Show up at the high school and publicly humiliate SS15? Show up at BM's and have her call the cops on him?

Wow, that was the wrong thing for you to do. PERIOD.

Kind of reminds me of a certain bm I know of. 
After she hooked up again with this dude who was her on and off again boyfriend for yearrrrrs, (even when he was married to someone else mind you & she too was married to someone else)---SHE moved into HIS home that HE owned along with her kids in tow.

HIS young daughter (only child)  had her childhood bedroom at her dads. It was her room since she was tiny.  Well, the 'certain bm' i know of' , packed his daughters belonging and put everything, including her bed,  in the basement. All because she wanted HER kids to have their own separate bedrooms.

That was just the beginning of how rotten that lady treated her.

1Dad I think I remember your story from awhile back; this is the SS who had all the issues with his swimming lessons right?  And BM got a divorce and hooked up with a guy or was it woman whose kid was in your kids’ class?  Not that this has any relevance, I just think I remember your story.
I understand how on here what is happening can seem like a gross overreaction to something that seems pretty benign, but I understand how after years and years and years of turmoil something as simple as this can make things bubble over and spew out. Death by a thousand cuts so to speak.